Summary: Harry Potter lived in his personal hell hiding and suppressing his own emotions to survive. One day he met a certain snake and since then he was set on a different path, diving deeper into the darker parts of his soul. Never again will Harry be a victim of someone else's whim but some secrets yet remain uncovered, out of his control. Lack of emotions and strong intuition can aid in wielding the rarest of magic, while other sacrifices still have to be made.
[Slow Burn with eventual HPLV. Other warnings include: Past Child Abuse, Mind Control, Character Death, Suicide. Also, Nagini is not a maledictus. For more tags you can check the story on AO3 (link in the bio)]
Fear. Abandonment. Loneliness. These feelings overwhelmed him. Silent footsteps resonated with his loudly beating heart. He was lost and helpless. Moments stretched for an agonisingly long time until everything went green and he woke up.
Harry Potter lay in his dark cupboard breathing heavily. He had this dream again. As long as he remembered, this dream always repeated once in a while. He hated it. The dream didn't make sense to him but all the emotions he felt while dreaming were so real he couldn't quite shake them off for some time afterwards. And such strong emotions weren't something he liked to deal with especially now when he started to put so much effort every day in trying to hide his true feelings or more so, trying to not feel anything at all.
He was seven years old and it was almost a year since he finally realised how futile were his previous attempts to gain any love or care from his family. He might have realised it long before but only recently he started to consciously accept the fact that no matter how he tried he would always be just an unwanted burden for them.
They're never going to love me.
At first, it was a sad and bitter thought but as the days passed it became his mantra, something that gave him strength. He was convinced now that his relatives won't suddenly change their feelings about him no matter what he did so eventually he saw no point in trying too hard to please them. Whatever they made him do he did only to survive because he was in no position to outright refuse. He thought of all the assigned chores as the means to earn food and roof over his head. Granted, it wasn't much as he was scarcely fed once a day or even went days without food and his roof was limited to a small dusty cupboard. But he didn't want to be kicked out or placed somewhere worse, so he couldn't actually complain. At least now he resigned to his daily routine without any delusions that him being a good little boy would somehow help him earn praise or love.
He lost hope to ever become a part of the Dursley family and truthfully he couldn't even think of any reason as to why he even wanted to be considered part of this family in the first place. They were nothing alike and the more he observed Dursleys the more he was certain that he didn't want them as a family either. What good would bring him love from the people he despised? If receiving love from such people meant to turn into a fat moron like his cousin Dudley, then he was glad he didn't receive any. And if he couldn't get something he didn't even want, then it shouldn't hurt.
He saw clearly that these people were the primary cause of his misery, they made him weak and rubbed it in his face every day. He refused to let them hold any power over him anymore. And in order to do this, the only option was to use his weakness to his own advantage. Dursleys, in essence, were very simple people, and like all simple people, they were easily manipulated. Harry knew they wanted him miserable noticing that whenever he showed any enjoyment in doing something it was immediately forbidden and he was forced to do things he didn't like. The idea was to show opposite emotions from those he felt and subtly rearrange everything. It was a small step but it was one thing he could truly take control over in his life. At first, it was difficult, he had to put a lot of effort into hiding his true feelings and lying, but it got easier with time and especially when he learned to rarely feel anything. It started to become an entertaining game, he was curious how far he could go with this. To think that he could be free of any emotions and control everything he displayed with just a thought excited him to no end.
That's why these awful dreams bothered Harry so much more now than ever before. They were sticky and always brought him one step back. But he could deal with them. He knew he could.
By the age of eight Harry learned how to play around with his emotions quite effortlessly and it finally brought the desired result he anticipated.
Petunia was of an opinion that Harry disliked the garden and always made up work for him outside no matter how pointless or bizarre. And that was exactly how Harry wanted it. He hated staying in the house longer than necessary, preferring to be exposed to the sun in a broad area instead of suffocating in his small and dusty cupboard. Even during winters being outside was better, he could cope with cold as long as he was moving while cleaning the road from the snow. It gave him an opportunity to look up at the sky and just enjoy his own company, for Dursleys were a lazy bunch who rarely left their warm places at the house. Dudley and his friends often bothered him though, but spending much more time outside and being more agile than his fat cousin Harry knew where to hide and how to run there fast. If he was lucky enough he could even sneak out to the public library nearby entertaining himself with the stories of other worlds, much brighter and happier than the one he was living in. He also took it as an opportunity to learn. Dursleys forbade him to go to school at some point when they realised Harry was smarter than Dudley. They even went as far as to arrange his documents to be homeschooled so teachers didn't raise any questions. It was something Harry never predicted at the time and didn't think of hiding but apparently good marks were the sign that he enjoyed school way more than he should. And he did enjoy studying so whenever he had a chance he tried to make up for the missed classes and learn probably even more than he should at his age.
After a year or so of this seemingly acceptable lifestyle Harry suddenly had another reason to dislike the house. There he had nowhere to hide. He was trapped and as much as he tried, in the end, he couldn't escape his uncle's wrath or Dudley's notion of fun receiving beatings after beatings for no particular reason.
While Harry accepted that he was an unwanted and unloved child, while he made peace with the idea that Dursleys were just people he had the misfortune to live with and while he thought the chores weren't absolutely unfair, the beatings were something he couldn't understand. For this Harry hated Dursleys. And that was saying a lot, considering he even allowed hatred to find its place in his heart. He tried to chase it away as he usually did with all his feelings but it was proving more and more troublesome with each day. Petunia didn't harm him physically but he resented her as well, for she was a silent witness of abuse who just threw some bandages at him afterwards with a look on her face clearly saying Harry deserved it.
Ever since it started Harry took the beatings silently, he knew if he cried they'll enjoy it more, but inside he was seething with anger. One day… he always thought about one day when he'll become stronger and then… He imagined that every kick and every punch he received were not directed at him but the other way around. These thoughts made everything more bearable but just slightly because all the pain still remained with him. The only thing that actually made everything better was that somehow he could heal very fast. Vernon was very careful not to hit him in the face after Petunia tremendously complained about Harry's inability to work in the garden — she couldn't stand the idea of the neighbours finding out something that would shake their perfectly normal image — and so Harry could hide not only his bruises but also the fact he was already healed the next day. He knew Vernon thought it was his duty to keep Harry's bruises and scars fresh, so the longer Harry faked pain hissing here and there, struggling to walk or just cringing the more pleased his uncle looked and the more reason to laugh Dudley had. Harry found such embarrassment a small price to postpone the next painful experience, so he acted accordingly.
One day Harry sat in the shade of trees doing his usual summer work. As he already tended the garden at the front he was told to do the same in the backyard so it would look presentable too. Which meant a lot of useless work for Harry as no one has ever done anything there and no one ever will see the result of his work either. He didn't mind though, it left him plenty of time to be away from Dursleys. The work was trivial and distracting enough from the contempt he felt for his so-called family. Lately, he had a lot of hateful thoughts about them and he didn't like it because it meant Dursleys still held great power over him and his feelings. He wanted to be freer, more clever and less influenced by the situation he was in but he couldn't help it. No matter how grown-up he acted he was only ten, still a child, who never in his life had any real example on how to properly deal with emotions despite considering himself quite an expert in this area. Plants calmed him down, he liked even the ones that were poorly grown or almost dead, they somehow reminded Harry himself and as he carefully pulled out every damaged plant and put it in the pile he'll dispose of later he entertained himself with a thought of performing a burial ritual, bringing his fallen comrades to peace and wondering if ever someone will do the same for him.
His musings were interrupted by a strange whisper.
"You are not my Master."
Turning around to see who was talking to him, he saw nobody there. That until he looked down and was met with somewhat contemplating yellow eyes of an enormous black snake. Harry stared stunned. He couldn't believe that snakes like that could be found here on Privet Drive but what shocked him even more, was how intensely it assessed him as if trying to figure him out. And then it spoke again as if to confirm Harry's suspicions that it was indeed her who spoke earlier.
"But how odd, you do feel like my Master."
"You speak," Harry managed to utter struggling to remain calm so he wouldn't be overwhelmed by fear.
"You are the one who speaks." Somehow the snake sounded surprised.
"Well, of course, I speak but so do you." Harry was a little baffled, his fear subsiding.
"But you are the Speaker," snake insisted and Harry frowned. This was getting nowhere.
"Yes, I noticed. We both speak. But how is it possible?"
"You are a Parselmouth, although it is impossible."
"Why so? And what is Parselmouth?"
"Parselmouth is a human wizard who has the ability to understand and speak Parseltongue — the language of snakes." Harry caught a glimpse of pride in the snake's tone. "It is an inherited gift and the only known Parselmouth left in the world is my Master."
"So this makes me an unknown one then," Harry smirked but then stilled as the snake's words sank in. "What do you mean by a human wizard? And you say it is inherited. Could it be that your master and I are related?" He stumbled a bit at the last word.
He lost hope of having a real family a long time ago, however, the thought of someone out there who might be related to him and who is not a Dursley made a tiny way for hope to slightly open up again.
"You are a human wizard. My Master is the last one left of his family line and he never intended to continue the line with his own heirs."
"But how can I be a wizard?" Harry deliberately ignored the other topic shoving aside the last remnants of hope he had. It made no difference. He knew already that family along with love was not something he could ever have.
The snake looked at him puzzled. "Why are you even asking this?"
"I am not a wizard. There is no such thing as magic."
Even though he resented Dursleys and despised everything that they were, he couldn't shake this conviction off. It was engraved in him too deeply with all the bruises and scars.
The snake seemed to understand something as she looked around the area of strikingly ordinary houses and then again at the boy. "Nothing strange ever happened around you, human child?"
This made Harry pause and remember. Of course, strange things happened. It seemed like they always happened around him, but he was too distracted by beatings afterwards and his own hatred towards Dursleys to think about the possibility it was magic. After all, magic can't be real, can it?
But now that he could focus and actually think about it, wasn't this entire dialogue with a snake also strange? Wasn't it indeed magic?
Harry quickly discovered that the snake couldn't harm him because he was the Speaker. After learning more about Parseltongue he finally understood why she called him like that and paying more attention to his pronunciation he was able to distinguish that he indeed wasn't speaking English, every word sounded more like a hiss than an actual speech, but concentrating on it too much gave him a headache so he just spoke to the snake as it came naturally to him. He also learned that the snake, Nagini, as she introduced herself, couldn't lie to him and when he noted that he couldn't lie to her either, she dutifully explained that Parseltongue was simply not a language of lies. So Harry took advantage of this asking Nagini all sorts of things, he was hungry for information about the magical world and himself. He wasn't expecting to actually find out much on the last matter though, but when Nagini learned his name she seemed to recognise it and at some moment he even thought she'll attack him forgetting that it was impossible. Seeing her strong reaction Harry demanded an explanation and she obliged telling him everything she knew concerning the name of Harry Potter. The more she talked, the more she calmed down, but for Harry, it was the opposite.
So he was considered a hero in the magical world, surviving the killing curse and somehow vanquishing the Dark Lord — Nagini's Master — when he was just one year old. And after that, he was put here, with the Dursleys? Without any knowledge of being a wizard and even suffering for it all these years. Like hell Dursleys didn't know about his magical origin, otherwise, they wouldn't be so fixated on the conviction that magic didn't exist. He always thought it was odd for them to be so opposed to magic with all the books and films that existed about imaginary worlds and with other people hardly ever reacting to the word magic so violently. He came to a conclusion, they just didn't want him to be engrossed in any kind of childhood fantasies because he didn't deserve a happy childhood, or it was just their way to remind him that nothing and nobody will help him magically escape his misery, but now he knew. He was sure they wanted him to never pay attention to any magical display he might accidentally show, they've beaten him up for greater impact and till now it actually worked.
All these years he was going through his personal hell while the rest of the magical world did what? They celebrated, enjoying peaceful times and cheering for the Boy Who Lived never the wiser that their hero might as well already be dead. Harry understood all well now that he wouldn't have survived if it wasn't for the magic that healed him every time. No normal child could actually endure such pain that came along with starvation and exhaustion from labour, of that he was certain. And this was another proof Dursleys knew he wasn't a normal child. Oh, they called him freak and abomination all the time, but he took it as an insult, not the actual indication they thought of him as someone entirely different from them.
"Muggles," Harry spat the newly learned word with disgust. They were just ordinary people, they were the ones who are supposed to be miserable, not Harry. His eyes burned with unshed tears but he didn't cry, he forgot how to cry years ago, he was angry more than he felt sadness or pity for himself. He was angry and he finally welcomed hatred he tried to block recently. He didn't think it gave any power to the Dursleys anymore, they would never hold any power over him now that he knew he was the powerful one. His hatred wasn't directed at Dursleys alone, he felt resentment for the wizarding world as well. The fact no one ever showed up to check on him was beyond his understanding. He could have accepted it if he was just an ordinary child nobody knew about, but according to Nagini everyone knew him, everyone cherished his name and there wasn't a day without a grand story of little brave Harry Potter being told.
It was already getting dark when Harry finally calmed down. He told Nagini about his life and why her story evoked such strong emotions in him. While listening Nagini hissed angrily appalled at the fact that filthy muggles could do this to a magical child and get away with it. So much talking started to make Harry a bit exhausted as he wasn't used to it. But he wanted to ask Nagini more questions. At this point she didn't have much more to tell Harry about him, so he asked to tell more about her and her Master. Harry listened quietly finding Nagini's hissing voice to be very soothing.
Nagini was a very devoted snake. Most of her life she lived by her Master's side and she couldn't imagine any other purpose in life other than to serve him. Being connected to him in a special way through the Familiar bond she instantly felt when Voldemort was defeated. For her body, it was immensely stressful so it fell into hibernation to prevent any mental or physical damage. Years passed in such a state and when she finally awoke she knew her Master was gone but not entirely. She couldn't possibly understand what exactly happened but she couldn't just rest and pretend nothing happened either. As she had a special link with her Master, Nagini knew there was just one thing left for her to do — search for her Master, never stop until she found him and aid him in any way she could.
It would have been impossible for her to survive through such a long hibernation and a search mission if she was an ordinary snake. But as she was a very important snake to her Master, he made sure she was well protected and immune to any hardships she might experience. The only things she couldn't really cope with were simple tiredness and boredom. Although she had magical abilities of her own, magical transportation was not one of them. She had to slither all the way through villages and towns with just unyielding resolve and faith that she was going the right way. All the while she was very attentive to her surroundings, listening to conversations and making a grasp of what happened to her Master piece by piece.
When she finally found a tiny trace that felt like her Master after almost a year of this tiresome journey she was thrilled.
"But turned out it was just me," interjected Harry, remembering the way Nagini greeted him.
"Yes, it was just you," Nagini confirmed not able to hide her disappointment.
"Do you hate me?" Harry asked. "For being the one you found and for… what I did to him?"
Nagini was silent looking carefully at Harry and after a while, she seemed to come to a conclusion.
"No. I do not hate you. I hated you before. But back then I have not yet realised that you were just a hatchling causing my Master's demise. And as now I know what you have been through up until now I am convinced you deserved none of that, let alone any hatred from me. And I do honour you as the Speaker and you do smell like my Master," she seemed to contemplate something. "It feels like I have the same link with you as with my Master."
"Really? How is it possible?"
"I do not know. But for me, it means I cannot hate you. More so I feel obliged to serve you as your Familiar. Not so strong as with my Master but still."
Harry was surprised by this confession but it made him pleased. Not once had he someone on his side. And even if it was only a snake Harry was happy. And it wasn't just any snake. The prospect of Nagini leaving in search for her Master weighed on him after the story she told him. He couldn't possibly hope that such a proud and devoted snake would stay with him, a mere boy, who of all people was the one who caused her Master's defeat. But now he saw his future much brighter.
"Good," he replied. "I would like you to stay with me."
Nagini looked somewhat scandalised.
"You know I can oversee my incline to serve you if I do not completely agree with you. I am not your Familiar technically."
Harry disguised his disappointment with a heavy gaze. Nagini held the gaze but shortly seemed like she was about to sigh if she possibly could. Bowing her head slightly she reasoned, "Well, that might actually be for the better. I do need some rest and you can also help me."
Harry was about to nod excited at the prospect, they could mutually help each other and he saw no reason to refuse. But he suddenly jerked hearing a loud bang of the back door slamming. It was dark save for a small street light, but the fact that Harry was just sitting there, all the work long-abandoned was plainly obvious.
"What are you doing here, boy?!" shouted uncle Vernon, his steps closer with each second. Harry froze and was about to tell Nagini to hide but Vernon was already there grabbing him by the arm.
"You freak! You think you can just laze around here!" His angry red face was right in front of Harry's. He didn't see the snake looming nearby. "I'll teach you a lesson, boy!" To amplify his point he kicked Harry in the stomach. Harry steeled not making any sound, he had worse. Vernon seemed to realise they were outside. Even if it was just a backyard where nobody was around, he still had enough sense to not attract unnecessary attention. He started dragging Harry to the house but he never made it far.
Everything happened so fast.
One moment his uncle was painfully holding him and the next Harry saw him shake violently. A huge jaw closed in on Vernon's neck, blood instantly splashing and the previously threatening body falling just like that. Vernon was thrashing around on the ground for several painfully long minutes and then he fell silent, dead.