It was a hard mission.
Every mission was hard.
Every time a soldier collapsed to the ground, Ahsoka felt her heart quench. She hated that the clones were being killed, and that her childhood consisted of running across battlefields, fighting for her own life.
She hated the constant exhaustion and fear and the horrible stench of death that tended to linger in the aftermath, sometimes for hours at a time.
Her limbs ached, new blisters on her hands from her lightsabers. She was dehydrated and hungry, though she knew the slop served in the mess hall wouldn't fill the emptiness in her stomach. She needed a real meal, and a hot bath, and a proper night's sleep.
Those luxuries would have to wait.
For now, there were wounded men who needed help to get to the medbay. There were reports to write, and equipment requests to make. The aftermath of a battle could be just as exhausting as the fight itself.
Across the bustling hanger of blue and gold armoured soldiers, Ahsoka made out the form of her Master. Anakin was walking with a limb, his trousers scorched and torn. He looked barely human, with ash and dirt covering his face. He was moving carefully, like it hurt to breathe.
"Good work today, kid," Rex patted her shoulder, his armour coated in filth that would take hours to scrub away.
"You too, Rexster," She nodded in acknowledgment, then jerked her head in Anakin's direction. "Any idea what happened to him?"
Rex followed her gaze, sighing, "His squadron had a rough time clearing that outpost. One of the guys said it was booby-trapped with a bomb. No casualties, probably thanks to the General."
Always playing the hero.
She glanced around for Obi-Wan, knowing he would have better luck than her at getting Anakin to see a medic, but her Grandmaster is speaking to Cody with his brows furrowed.
Sighing, Ahsoka dragged her feet across the durasteel floor. Rex slipped away, too many tasks to allow him to waste time mingling with his Commander. She was on her own for this, and Ahsoka dreaded it.
"Hey, Master," she said, just before she came to a stop in front of the elder Jedi. Still, Anakin was startled at her voice, tired eyes lifting from where he was fiddling with his mech hand. Some of the wires were exposed, likely causing him some discomfort and annoyance.
"Snips," he nodded briefly, already returning to fiddling with the wires with a servodriver that was usually kept on his belt.
Ahsoka noted he wasn't in a cheerful mood, but she was determined to try anyway.
"You need to go to the medbay." She said, using a somewhat gentle tone to begin with. "Kix's orders."
She knew Anakin held a healthy amount of fear for the medic who was fiercely enthusiastic about ensuring the Jedi were looked over after every rough battle.
Even if she was lying about the orders coming from Kix, snitching to the medic was her backup plan if Anakin downright refused.
She watched his jaw tense, the cogs in his brain turning.
"I'll go in a minute," he ended up saying, putting the servodriver away.
"He sounded pretty insistent when I spoke to him." Ahsoka said, furthering the little white lie. "Threatened to hunt you down if you didn't turn yourself in, and you know he's serious."
Anakin just frowned, "And what exactly did you say to him, Padawan?"
If she had hair on the back of her neck, it would've stood up.
Ahsoka tried to keep her expression calm as Anakin challenged her. He was always like this after missions like this. He would hole himself away and refuse to eat or sleep as he sulked about everything that could've been done differently.
Ahsoka wasn't the only person concerned with his health. Obi-Wan had voiced his worry that one day Anakin would get himself sick by carrying on like this. The man would work himself to death if he could.
"I didn't have to say anything." Her eyes dropped to his leg, "It's pretty obvious that you're injured."
He stared at her, and Ahsoka jutted out her chin. He could try to intimidate her all he liked- she wouldn't let him walk over her like this.
"As I said," he began, his tone gravelly, "I'll go later."
He brushed her shoulder as he walked past, headed out of the hangar but not in the direction of the medbay. He would probably go to the bridge or his quarters and let infection fester in his leg until he was septic.
That's what had happened in the past.
"Why do you do this, Master?" Ahsoka called out as she followed him, feeling anger boil under her skin. The hanger was marginally quieter now, but there were still a lot of clones lingering to start work on repairs. "You act like you're invincible."
"Leave it, Ahsoka," Anakin called back, his own Force-presence simmering with frustration.
She jogged in front of him, cutting off his exit. "I don't want you to die, Anakin. Is it a crime to care about you? We're supposed to watch each other's backs."
With every word, Anakin's eyes darkened. Ahsoka was too riled up to stop.
This was months of resentment that had been building. Ahsoka was tired of watching her Master neglect his health. The effects were obvious. He'd lost weight, and moved slower when sparring.
He rarely saw her whilst they were on leave, and when he did see her, it was only to put her through exhausting training simulations with the clones firing stun bolts at her for hours on end.
She was fed up.
"You don't eat right or get enough rest, you don't let anyone treat your injuries." She gestured to his arm, "Hell, you'll fiddle with that thing all night instead of asking for help. You're impossible!"
There was a crowd forming, clones from both the 501st and 212th watching from a distance to witness the argument. Ahsoka was vaguely aware that this wasn't the time or place for a screaming match to break out.
"Ahsoka-"
"No," she cut him off, "I'm tired of worrying about you, Master. I'm scared that one day I'll find you dead in your quarters and it will be your own fault."
"Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad!" Anakin challenged, "Maybe then I wouldn't have to fight in this stupid war! I wouldn't have to accept that my Padawan could die at any second! I wouldn't have to sacrifice my life and the lives of others for no logical purpose!"
Ahsoka was stalled for words.
She breathed hard, Anakin's words repeating around her skull.
Maybe dying wouldn't be so bad.
"You don't mean that…" she said quietly.
Anakin stiffened his jaw, "You have no idea what this war is doing to me, Ahsoka."
"Enough," Obi-Wan appeared, stepping between the two Jedi as a physical barrier. "Both of you, this is not a discussion to be having in front of the men."
Anakin looked like he wanted to argue, but a sharp look from his former-Master made him spin off his heel. Ahsoka held her breath as he stormed out of the hanger.
"Nothing to see here, men," Obi-Wan said to the clones, "You're dismissed."
They scattered like bees getting smoked out of their hive. Ahsoka tried to take some calming breaths as the hangar doors closed behind her Master, finally averting her gaze to Obi-Wan who looked at her with an unimpressed frown.
"You know better than to argue in the hanger, Ahsoka," he chastised.
Her eyes widened, "Me? What about the fully grown Jedi Knight who just stated that he thinks this war is a pathetic waste of time?"
"I'll speak to Anakin later," Obi-Wan put a hand between her shoulder blades, ushering her in the direction of the hanger doors. "I know you meant well, but you must be mindful. We are here to set an example for the clones."
"He's going to get himself killed, Master," she gritted her teeth to restrain herself, "You've said so yourself. When will he realise that?"
"I agree that Anakin's behaviour is dangerous." Obi-Wan nudged her in the direction of her own quarters, "But it is not your responsibility to challenge your Master in public like that. I'd like you to meditate on your actions."
"Why am I getting punished?"
"It is not a punishment, my dear," Obi-Wan's smile was wry, "It's simply a chance for you to reflect on your feelings and how they correspond to your actions."
Anakin found his Padawan on the bridge.
It was late in the night cycle.
After fleeing the hanger in shame for allowing himself to admit such deep fears in front of Ahsoka and his own men, Anakin had returned to his quarters.
Obi-Wan wasn't far behind him, staying quiet as he treated the burns to his leg and encouraged him to get some rest before attempting to make amends with his student.
He hadn't meant to lose control like that.
Ahsoka looked up to him as a figure of strength, she didn't need to hear how he was terrified of the war continuing like it was.
He just wanted it all to end. The fighting, the chronic exhaustion, the impossibly high expectations. He supposed he didn't realise how badly he was neglecting his health, and the type of impression that put on his easily influenced student.
After Obi-Wan finished his lecture, Anakin allowed his former-Master to give him a sleep suggestion.
It felt so good to enjoy some proper rest, even if his bunk mattress was uncomfortable and his leg still ached like kriff.
When he woke up, it was close to 0300. There was a sensation at the end of his bond with Ahsoka that Anakin couldn't shake off. He knew an apology was due, so he set off to find her.
The bridge was almost empty at this time of night. In hyperspace, only a few clones worked quietly to ensure the cruiser remained stable on the flight back to Coruscant.
The lights were dimmed, the blue rays of hyperspace casting shadows across the viewing platform where Ahsoka was stood.
Anakin joined her, leaning his elbows on the railing.
"I used to like doing this when I was younger," he said, his voice breaking the silence. "Obi-Wan would sometimes take me on short trips just to calm me down."
His Padawan glanced in his direction, quickly returning her gaze to the viewpoint.
"It's one of my earliest memories." She said, her voice quiet. "Master Plo let me sit in his lap on the flight from Shilli to Coruscant. I remember the blue streaks, and then seeing this huge, grey planet in front of me, the biggest thing I'd ever seen."
They continued to look out of the viewpoint for a while longer. Anakin could feel her contemplation, her guilt for their argument earlier. Anakin didn't want her to feel guilty.
She feels responsible for you, Obi-Wan had told him, just as you feel responsible for her.
"Tell me you didn't mean what you said, Anakin."
He looked at his Padawan, noticing the shine in her eyes.
"Not all of it." He replied, his voice a bit gravelly. "I want this war to end, just as much as you do. I don't like the thought that you could be taken from me in a heartbeat, which is why I push you in training like I do. I don't like how many clones are dying for a cause that they didn't even choose to be a part of."
"We didn't choose this either." She said, her voice cracking as she looked down. "If we weren't Jedi, we wouldn't have to fight."
He nudged her arm, "If we weren't Jedi, I wouldn't have a little sister."
Her smile was small, and she sniffed to reign in the tears that threatened to spill, "I'm sorry for getting angry at you, Master."
"Hey," he tilted her chin up with two fingers, forcing her to look at him, "I'm sorry for pushing you to the point that you needed to get angry with me, Snips. I know I'm difficult at times, but that's not a burden for you to carry, okay?"
"I'm scared of losing you," she admitted, her eyes shining brighter, "I don't think I can do this without you."
This meaning the war.
This meaning her Padawanship.
This meaning the lifetime of servitude to the galaxy that lay ahead of her.
Anakin knew that nothing he said could quell that fear, so he pulled Ahsoka into his chest. She immediately wrapped her arms around his waist, pushing her face into his tunic.
"I'm not going anywhere, Snips," he assured her, "but you can't live your life in fear of losing others. It'll only cause you pain."
He was speaking from experience.
When they were back at the Temple, he would take the time to work through this issue with Ahsoka. He would try to figure out why he was so bad at accepting help, and she could focus on releasing her fear into the Force.
They would get through it together, in time.
For now, he squeezed Ahsoka tighter.
"Let's get you to bed, little one. We'll figure everything out later, when we're home."