Hi, this is going to be my fanfiction ever! I've been toying with the idea of writing my own but I didn't have the courage to do it. I'm already working on the next chapters; and no matter how hard it will be for my ego, I'll do my best to complete it. I think it will have between 10 - 15 chapters. I love dramiones, I'm 100% team Draco + Hermione. I meant to write a more human Hermione, one that has grown up and isn't that sure if her goals stay the same. She's looking for her new version and also enduring PTSD symptons. I'll explore topics such as depression, suicidal thoughts, trauma, friendship, selfhealing and more.

I don't own J.K Rowling characters or anything but the sheer sadness of this story.

Chapter 1

Scared. Tired. Demotivated at best. Alone in the Black Mansion on a Saturday night. Hermione Granger found herself pondering her life decisions for the last ten years. Having reached her thirties and barely accomplishing anything wasn't what she had envisioned for herself when the war ended. Going through Hogwarts and passing her exams with straight Os didn't feel as it should have been. Since that she had gone through studying charms, potion making, rules and mental healing. After achieving some of her life goals, she returned to study in the muggle world. She had graduated as a psychologist. After the war, she tried to come back to restore her parents' memories but they had died in a car accident a week before she returned. Harry had been with her when she found out the news; and he had carefully returned to her 'home' while she could only mutter: 'they died without remembering me'. She came out with the conclusion that it was the best. At least they didn't die remembering the girl they left behind. Ruthless enough to do something so despicable like erasing their memories without their consent.

She threw herself into the political world life; but got stuck on a dead end job in the Law Enforcement department created to help magical creatures, muggleborn wizards and human wolf citizens to acquire basic civil rights. She did achieve that Wolfsbane was successfully brewed and distributed among them freely and in great conditions. However, discrimination was a daily day subject. Her most ambitious proposal was turned down by the Wizengamot five years ago without the possibility to talk about. What was so revolutionary about introducing a schooling system before Hogwarts? What was so damn wrong that pureblood, halfblood and muggleborns find themselves learning about the world before even being part of a house yet? Why was muggle knowledge so frowned upon? Maths, science and muggle history were a valuable part of the world's knowledge too. Maybe kids would have music, art and philosophy workshops too. Possibilities were endless. Well, they weren't at least for the Wizengamot bigots. Harry said: "Be patient Hermione, the world is not ready for all these changes yet but they'll be ''. But five years have passed and nothing has substantially changed so far. She was running out of ideas.

Anyways all she had now were regrets of projects that didn't happen, financial and work related goals that weren't met. It was all she had apart from her failed dating life. Since the war ended, coming back to Ron was not only awkward but also sad. They went through so much sorrow and sadness. They were so young and so broken. Hermione wondered if she would ever have the time to actually think or feel in love with anyone else. Everything has happened so fast since fourth year. Wearing a dress and dancing with Krum in Yule Ball or even being part of Rita's gossip seemed like the life that someone else had. Losing her parents, Fred, Lupin, Tonks and Dobby, among others, it was too much. 'Everything happened so fast' - she thought - 'Bellatrix torture, Malfoy desperate eyes, saving her, Dobby dying, coming back to Hogwarts, killing Voldmort, losing her parents, breaking up with room, years of studying, working and therapy that never felt enough'. Crazy night stands weren't deep committed relationships. But she couldn't afford more emotional drama. Muggle with no faces, no background stories. Being anonymous for a day. What can be wrong about that?

The Weasley family was disappointed but they soon got over it after Ron married Pansy Parkinson three years after. They met in a war survivors' group. They were crazy about each other and they were expecting their first child. It was very strange at the beginning especially because Pansy was crazy jealous towards her until she understood that there was nothing for them set for the future. They only shared one kiss after killing an horrocrux, no more, no less. Mrs. Weasley won't drop the idea of making her an official part of the Weasley family by trying to set her up with George or Charlie every Christmas Party.

Sitting on her couch with her cozy mug in her hand, a soft blanket and her thoughts. Black Mansion was so immense. Harry was generous enough to have given the state when he accessed and renovated the Potter Manor. She had carefully improved the once gloomy place by changing the lurking pale brown walls and the dark paintings with while walls and flowers. Her dear Crookshanks died several years ago and she couldn't bring herself to buy a cat. She bought a dog instead. A beautiful energetic over the top life-bringing blond golden retriever. She had this idea after she watched a stupid American film that having a dog would make her feel less alone and depress. At least having a big dog will give her a real and concrete reason to wake up in the morning, doesn't it?

Black Manor's garden used to be a ruthless forest completely forgotten for almost 30 years before a whole team came to work on it. Looking like a small sunflower field, this garden had its own forest, lake and pool. It was her favourite part of the Mansion now. She usually spends all afternoons after work with Hailey the golden. Reading books under the nice and fresh eucalyptus trees. It was almost seven o'clock. She must head to Muggle's London to visit her muggleborn psychologist who decided to give fair treatment to both muggles and wizards. Mrs. Ana was enrolled in rehab programs for coping with the reminder of hate criminals and death eaters. She had not only been her most confident doctor since she was nineteen. She had shared with her valuable information by the time she worked on passing her laws and was a motivated advocate of defending human rights. Hailey looked disappointed for leaving the garden, but luckily she was allowed to visit Ana with her sometimes. It was nice to see other patients interacting with Hailey which is the earthly figure of happiness. Now, it is a possibility but it used to be something she couldn't do on her own. Hermione Granger going from work to home. How predictable, wasn't it? It was Harry who actually bought her for Hermione's 25th birthday. Although most of her friends were disappointed to see her single, Harry was the most supportive of all. His relationship with Ginny didn't take off as they had expected. Ginny eventually joined the Harpies and now she travels the world playing Quidditch with his boyfriend Jake. Harry is still the most eligible bachelor of the year, soon to be the youngest Minister of Magic ever according to the 'Cosmopolitan Witch Magazine'. Although she knew that he was happily enough working full-time as a Head Auror.

She picked a red leather jacket to go over her while t-shirt and jeans and she stepped outside her home to apparate with Hailey. Hailey loved to apparated, it was as if she was driving the car on the road with the window open. They happily strolled in the muggle street. Hailey stealing all glances while she hid herself under her cap and sunglasses. It was almost the end of summer, it was a truly wonderful day.

She stopped on her tracks to stare at the window of a muggle bookshop when suddenly, Hailey broke free from her leash and jumped into an unknown person who was leaving the bookshop. Waving her tale and asking for her attention, she tackled this stranger and started to lick his face. Hermione gasped in horror while bending to grab the leash and asking Hailey to stop.

The well-dressed stranger started to laugh and said: "I bet your dog is happy to see me as you". She knew that voice. She froze. "Your dog is really cute, I thought you were a cat person as you're bookish and an annoying know-it-all'.

She raised her eyes to meet Draco Malfoy. What was he doing here? In a Muggle bookshop for Merlin's sake! She couldn't get over how nice he had become after the war. Working so hard to make amends, devoting himself to work for the Auror department next to Harry. They had become great friends and she has to deal with him even in birthday parties now. He even made amends to heal the relationship he had with the Weasley family and she thought last time they shared a social gathering that he had started to make friends with Ron. They even went to a Quidditch match together! But she couldn't. Everytime she was assigned to work as a consultant to the Auror department she struggled. She couldn't forget all those years and he hadn't apologized to her… not that he hadn't tried. She had managed to show him off to her office that day. He came as always wearing his best black suit carrying a knowing look ready to say everything that was left and he started:

"Granger, we need to talk. This past few months working together has helped to gather the courage to say that I'm deeply sorry. Nothing can…" - he started with those ice cold eyes full of emotion and pain. He seemed so troubled and so truly ashamed. It was unbearable. So she quickly cut him off:

"Malfoy, you didn't need to come to my office. We were children, I guess we did what we were able to do in those times. It's all left behind. If you are kind enough, I'm really busy now." - She couldn't take her eyes off of that empty document she was pretending to write. It was too real, too painful, too soon. She wasn't ready to leave everything behind. Malfoy left with a half smile looking haunted and defeated and said: "Good afternoon Granger".

The nightmares still haunted her. Malfoy was one of his main characters in what she likes calling "the haunted house episode". Bellatrix madness, Malfoy Manor… His eyes looked so broken. Draco looked defeated looking how she was tortured she saw him screamed something like "no, stop, make her stop", but his mother silenced him and she could only imagine what she was reading on his lips- Malfoy, she corrected in her head. Her eyes were locked on him while she was on the Manor's floor. He still had the mark on his arm and it was a daily reminder of everything she wanted to forget. It felt unfair for her to try to ignore him so badly.

Her train of thought was cut short when Malfoy finally managed to escape Hailey's face's licking breakout. Great! Even her dog loved him. Loyal animals people said they were. She can perfectly imagine Hailey licking Volvemort's face if she had the chance…

"What's her name, Granger? Why don't you control your feral beast?" - he said while patting and gently caressing Hailey's ears. He seemed so at ease happily patting her. It was such an unexpected sight. Who could imagine Draco Malfoy enjoying her golden's affection?

"Sorry, Malfoy. Everything happened so fast. I got distracted watching the window and Hailey can be really enthusiastic about other people. "- Hermione answered awkwardly. "What are you doing in muggle London?"

" Hailey is a sweet name for such a sweet girl" - he looked at Hailey and without stopping his patting he frowned and looked at her - "Granger, you know I live in muggle London. At least since I moved from home. Too many memories. I actually came to the bookshop to fetch some books for the research I'm working on. But you cannot ask what it is about. It's top secret. If I tell you, you'll have to work with me again". He finished with a sassy smirk.

Hermione shuddered: "I'd rather not know what it is about."

Malfoy slightly offended: "I know you die for working with me, someday you won't be able to resist my charm".

"You wish, Malfoy" - she answered angrily - "now we have to go or we'll arrive later to see doc…" she stopped before it was too late. Telling Malfoy where she is going? What was she thinking?!

"Doc as in muggle 'doctor'"- asked Malfoy concerned.

Hermione thought that he really looked interested in her well-being but she didn't have the time to really explain what a psychologist is and what it was for.

"Nothing to worry about, I don't want to be late to my appointment. See you around Malfoy" - she cut him off. He almost looked disappointed and intrigued.

"Bye Hermione, bye Hailey. Hope you bring her to those boring ministry meetings we have every Friday. It will give me something to look forward to '' - he replied - "And you owe me a new suit" he said and disappeared into the crowd.