For anyone reading this story, just for everyone's information. I don't know where I'm going with this. So far what I have planned is a PMC getting access to Hell and thus, more clients and of course some fancy shit. Hilarity will be common and ridiculous scenarios even more so. The story will mainly follow the OC I made for this story and his interactions with the various characters in Helluva Boss and if I'm willing, maybe even Hazbin Hotel. Have a great day, and enjoy this pilot fanfic chapter of the pilot episode. Yay!
The city is dark and unwelcoming. The skies are covered over by a thick miasma of blood red clouds and the sound of the clogged streets below the demonic buildings are like the screams of the damned. Why wouldn't they be, traffic jams are the worse things to go through, especially in Hell. The only thing worse than this would have to be sitting down in a meeting with an "associate" company.
A fairly tall imp walks up to the front of the desk and starts the meeting. This imp is Blitzo and he recently just started a company fairly similar to my own recently with the exception of it being way way smaller. Anyways, after being nagged at by my bird friend to assist his dear "buddy", he eventually won me over and now I'm here listening to this pretty hilarious but terrible meeting. "Alrighty, I know business has been a bit uhh slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, I'm not naming any names here, Moxxie."
The imp named Moxxie looked rightfully pissed about that remark, reminds me of one of my lieutenants. Apparently he is a cracked gun nut but also an amazing songwriter and singer. "So does anyone have any bright ideas on how to get business drumming up again."
"Oh oh, sir, how about a car wash." That is Millie, according to her file she is the wife of Moxxie and has quite the strong arm. Her personality is honestly quite lovable but it does kind of bounce around a little. And really, a car wash in Hell, I don't think anybody is going to care about that. Except maybe my company.
"Millie, we are in Hell, the only people who would even remotely care about having their cars washed are those damned soldier wannabes outside the city." Well fuck you too buddy. "Oh, what about a billboard." The man has stars in his eyes, creepy.
"I went over your books, you guys don't have enough to buy a billboard, let alone rent one." Might as well get into this conversation, and now he is looking at me, great. "Yeah, yeah, really helpful kid." What the hell did he just call me. "Did everyone here forgotten what service we provide." Blitzo then proceeds to play clips of the employees of IMP killing some folks. "I did not forget, I already knew what service you provided, I'm only here to help get you guys back on track with the funds you currently have which frankly isn't much considering how much you spent on some TV ad to run for 3 hours straight!" I stated clearly "On a channel no one watches mind you." Thank you Moxxie for adding that tidbit.
"Uh hey, excuse me. What's obnoxious about a super fun jingle alright. It's a fun distraction when an advertisement is spitting bullshit." Can't argue with Blitzo on that. "People love musicals sir." I wouldn't take it that far Millie. "Exactly Millie, and we are basically doing a musical." I tried to make my statement "I wouldn't take it that far Blit-" "Shut, are you really going to crush my musical dreams here and now like my father. Because right now, all I see right now is my dad's asshole, crushing my dreams of who I truly am inside." Moxxie exclaimed "Sir, you are just being ludicrous now." Blitzo responded "You too Moxxie." Millie then told us "You both trying to crush his dreams boys." She then leaned into Moxxie "Man, and I thought I knew you Moxxie." "How could you support this newsboy Moxxie, and after I made you Employee of the Month." Blitzo pulled out a portrait with a terrible photo of Moxxie with 'Employee of the Month' stamped on a small brass plate on the bottom. What the hell is this place.
Moxxie then stated quickly "Alright, sorry, sir, but a jingle is not comparable to that of a musical theater. Nobody likes the jingles." Millie than stated "I liked it." "Do not, do not agree with him in front of me," Moxxie trembled. I quickly stated "Sorry Moxxie, but an entire private military would think otherwise. Sorry to burst your bubble." "Ha, forget what I said earlier, I love those wannabe soldiers." Well Blitzo seems to have an easy switch.
Blitzo then plays the commercial on the TV.
"Hey there, I'm Blitzo, the O is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P. Are you a piece of shit who got sent to Hell, or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else."
The scene changes to an unlucky sinner who seemed to have been given the death sentence in Ohio for murdering his wife after she fucked a delivery man and being caught by a jogger who saw him hide the body. Apparently this jogger is most certainly dead, intel did confirm that.
The scene changes to Blitzo again as he is preparing a portal to the living world. "Well lucky for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, we can now help you take care of any unfinished business, by taking out anyone who screwed you over when you were alive." The jingle the plays.
If you don't know the jingle, look it up right now, it's catchy as all Hell. HAHAHAHAHA. Kill me.
The jingle ends when Moxxie accidentally shoots a kid who walked in front of the intended target. A doctor and 2 nurses rush through a set of double doors with the child on a hospital table. "Doctor he is not responding." "Cold water, stat!" One of the nurses proceeds to throw a bucket of cold water on the kid's head, doing absolutely nothing but making a bump. "It didn't do anything." "Damnit, I'm not going to lose another one." The doctor hands the 2 nurses pairs of defibrillators and they also place them over the child's body. "Clear." The kid takes a big gulp of air as the hospital personnel look upon in disbelief "Holy shit, that actually worked."
Outside the operation room, Moxxie, Millie, Blitzo, and a tall "human" were sitting on a bench. The "human" wore a faded navy blue coat with a maroon undershirt. Along with brown pants, black leather riding gloves, and combat boots. The figure also wore a brown leather newsboy cap along with a white sack hood with black hole for the right eye with a white pupil and a black X pattern over the left eye along with a jagged zig-zag pattern over the mouth area.
The doctor enter the waiting area and said "He appears to be in stable condition however he is going to need surgery, so what kind of insurance provider do you freaks have." The figure quickly stood up and exclaimed "I didn't come here to pay for your guys' insurance, fuck this!" The figure proceeds to pull out a sawed-off 12 gauge shotgun before shooting out the window where a black Soviet-era Hind Gunship flys by and the figure jumps into the open side doors. The Hind then turns to fly off away from the city and into a shattered tear that appears in the sky before disappearing . "Damn, we could've gotten paid by Appalachia Hunter Company. Well looks like you clowns still have to pay up, what is your insurance." Blitzo who just gotten out of his momentary shock turned towards the doctor and exclaimed "What the fuck is insurance!" The glass next to the one shot out by the figure breaks as the trio of imps are thrown out along with the hospital table with the kid as they fall from the building.
The advertisement then ends with what would be later known as one off the greatest jingle quotes in history.
"Kids die for Freeeeeeeee!"
"Better than ours I'll admit"
"I'd like to go on the record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch was supposed to give us the right info on the target, it's very simple."
I intervened "Moxxie, I'm pretty sure you didn't expect the kid to walk in front of you." Loona agrees by saying "See, even bag boy agrees with me, so go sit on a dick Moxxie."
Moxxie yells clearly getting irritated "You sit, on a, um, uh, d- uh, do your JOB!"
Blitzo intervenes saying "Hey, stop that, we don't blame our screw-ups on Loona" Blitzo walks over to Loona and begins rubbing the side of her face. "She didn't do anything wrong."
Moxxie responds in disbelief saying "Are you kidding me sir, she's awful." "I wouldn't go that far but she is a tad bit. . . difficult." I stated truthfully as various flashbacks goes through my head.
Loona is sitting at the front desk reading a magazine called the Hellhound Monthly Apple Edition when the phone rings. She picks it up. "Hello I.M.P." Millie on the other end responds "Loona, I've been stabbed, call Mox-" before being immediately cut off by Loona slamming the phone.
Blitzo is hiding a present behind his back walking up to Loona who is talking with the tall figure before interrupting and presenting the present "Happy Adoption Anniversary Loonie. I gotten you a little something." The tall figure goes to say something nice when he is cut off by Loona "Oh how nice of your-" "Is it a cure for syphilis?" "What?" Blitzo taken aback responds slowly "Ah- uh..." Loona grabs the present yelling before throwing it to the ground "Then I don't want it!" From the box, a swarm of spiders emerge before climbing up both the figure and Loona while Blitzo somehow escapes outside the window "Raah" "Sorry, I gotten you spiders" "God damnit." The tall figure makes a statement in disbelief "That spider just did a backflip!"
Moxxie enters the reception area with a piece of paper that says AMC Training Regime while Loona is at the desk watching a video on the computer about a military blockade outside of Imp City "Uh um e-excuse me, Loona, but did you fax me an ad for the military drills for small men ran by that tall guy who comes here" "No" "What, w-why would anyone send me this?" "Come on, you know why."
Loona and Millie are inside the break room where Loona is rummaging around the fridge. "Whoever left the fucking, avocado salad and bigass chocolate bar in the fridge, I'm taking it because I have the worst hangover right now." Millie questions Loona saying "Why would you drink on a work night?" Loona snaps back after finishing the bar and the avocado salad "I'm hungover from this morning dumbass." Moxxie and the figure enter the break room and Moxxie questions Loona "Isn't that my lunch?" "You know what, I can't take this assault right now, I need to blow off some fucking steam!" Loona kicks the avocado salad container into Moxxie while the figure stands to the side of the door worried as she runs out. Millie questions the figure on why he is worried and he responds "She is about to have the worst stomach ache from that ration bar." Outside, Loona runs towards a imp mother with a baby carriage and she kicks the carriage out of the mother's hands and walks off before collapsing holding her stomach.
Blitzo, Moxxie and the figure are in the reception area next to the water dispenser as Loona yells from the receptionist desk. "Hey Blitzo, that clingy rich asshole is on the phone, says it's important, wants to talk to you." She lowers as she adds "Sounds a little DTF-y." Blitzo throws his cup in embarrassment yelling "Oh it was one time. If I haven't slept with that privileged asshole, this company wouldn't have access to the living world." "You what?" "Please don't remind me!"
Not too long ago in the past
Blitzo is seen sneaking away from a bed where an owl like figure is sleeping in. "Got the book, got the book, got this stupid fucking heavy book." Blitzo makes his way over to the balcony before trying to careful get down with the book only to fail spectacularly once over the ledge and fall to the courtyard cursing. In the courtyard, the mistress of the house is discussing business with her associates and friends over cakes and tea before being rudely interrupted by Blitzo landing on the cake, splattering it all over the table's occupants. Blitzo is now in a tight spot, he needs to say the right thing or his chances of survival will plummet even further. "Sorry, I fucked your husband. Oh, hey newsboy, didn't recognize you with that fancy getup. Mmm, nice cake."
Back to flashback present
"BLITZO!" "I HEARD TOU ALREAD-" The scene changes suddenly to Blitzo in his office on the phone while the tall person is going over some papers, grumbling from time to time. "So, what can I do you for this time Stolas?" The person Blitzo is talking to is a tall owl humanoid figure with a white face and 4 red eyes with no pupils. This demon is even taller than the bag-headed figure by a good foot or 2. Dressed in royal attire and speaking with a refined voice, this demon radiates an underlying power. "There is a political candidate up on Earth causing trouble for my associates. He is trying to convince people global warming exists." Blitzo cuts in quickly "Doesn't it?" Stolas responds while laying back on the couch with the phone close. "Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here." "Well yea that makes sense." "Do you know what happens when I'm lonely Blitzy." Blitzo's eyes widen as he pulls away the phone from his ear, cursing, while the figure across the table from him grimaces. "God fucking damnit." "When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red * of yours! * your * and lick all of your *! Before taking out your * and * them with more teeth, until your screaming , like a fucking baby!" Blitzo in shock, ends the call before cracking the cellphone in half. Placing it on the desk, he crushes it with a rotary phone before stuffing the pieces in a blender and blending it before handing it to Loona who proceeds to eat it as if this was normal. "Eat this, and you know that garbage truck that goes to the incinerator outside of town." "Yea." "Shit in it!" "Yes, please incinerate that phone."
Done with flashbacks, to the present we go.
"Look, point is, Loona is a valuable member of our family. And we don't get rid of family." Loona looks at Blitzo as he says that and gives a slight smile. "We are not a family sir. You are the boss. We are the employees." Moxxie looks like he is going to blow a gasket. "You treat her like she is some sort of troubled teenager. She is more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!" When I first came here to monitor the company, I wondered if this was a common occurrence. And I can say with confidence that it is. "That is offensive, without homeless people, I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life." Blitzo walks up to a window before slamming his head into it. He stares down into an alleyway where a homeless imp is leaning onto an armored truck that 3 armed individuals enter before driving off suddenly causing the imp to fall back onto the cold floor. Blitzo waves at the man before closing the blinds.
"While we are on the subject of 'family'. Can you please stop finding me and Millie outside of work." Millie puts her hand on Moxxie's should and says "Oh sweetie, it's not that big a deal." "I'm sorry honey, WHAT!" "Wait, this shit happens to you guys?" Moxxie looks flabbergasted. "Really sir, even the guy who monitors our company from going into the RED!"
Blast from the Past: Part 3, Dangerous Trees
The area is open and various concrete and metal buildings are located orderly around the area. Trucks and armored vehicles are moving around across the concrete and helicopters and gunships are parked orderly along the side of what appears to be a runway near some hangers. Next to what appears to be a command structure, a tall figure is standing by the entrance along with a slightly shorter individual. The tall figure in a sack hood looks down to the other man who upon further study is wearing a black balaclava and white ski goggles along with other assortments of clothes in a black and white style with red highlights. The man is also wearing various military equipment such as a rucksack, plate carrier, and he is even sporting an AK-styled battle rifle with a black and white color scheme.
"So, Lieutenant Micavich, when is the estimated time for us to receive the cargo from Spetsnaz as per contract?" Micavich looks up to his superior before looking down into a clipboard before stating "Spetsnaz will come with the contract supplies in around 3 days. They will drop off the supplies at the Appalachia Forward Operating Base Delta-5 in Kuwait. From there we will take the supplies and transport them approximately over 500 miles of risky terrain and various territories belonging to different warlords, terrorists, PMCs and the like." The tall figure takes a deep breath before saying "Are any of the roads viable for transport? I'd rather not go through multiple adversaries just because we crossed roads they often use." The lieutenant flips some pages to a map and he points to various points of interest and roads on the map. "There are many trails and back ways that we can use, however some areas are more monitored than others so we are going to most likely get into a fight. I can however guarantee that these 3 groups can be avoided if we use the Range Gate without drawing suspicion." The figure gives the lieutenant a card before saying "Done, use this card when you have the convoy prepared to leave through the Gate. Also, you are authorized to have air support ready if you need it and Battle Tanks and APCs are available to you if need be." The lieutenant salutes the figure before walking off.
The figure heads inside and halfway across the room he notices a blur in the corner of his vision go behind a desk. He stares at the desk before moving onto the elevator. After going to the top floor, he goes into an office room before grabbing a mug and laying back getting ready to take a sip. He then hears steps behind him and he hears someone whisper "Like your place, mind if I stay here for a bit." The figure spills his coffee before yelling loud enough for the entire base to stop and hear. "BLITZO YOU MOTHERFUCKER, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BASE!" "You seem a little busy."
Snap back to reality
"Blitzo, I'm going to be straight with you. Please don't do that again." "What, something wrong there champ. Maybe some activities that you want to keep secret." This imp really gets on my nerves sometimes, I can't focus because of his damn antics. "Yes, there are many activities and secrets that I kinda need to keep secret from the public." "Yea, like what? Do you have a baby wiener like Moxxie here." Oh dear god, dear god, dear god, dear god, dear motherfucking go- "Sir, what you say and how you act is completely INAPPROPRIATE!" "Moxxie dear, calm down, your going to have a panic attack." "I AM CALM!" Moxxie begins to whimper while Millie is comforting him. Sometimes Blitzo is just fucking unbelievably hard to deal with.
"Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside work hours." Blitzo then starts making suggestive actions with his hands before straightening out, that fucker. "So don't judge me." I judge you heavily Blitzo. I have no idea why Stolas wanted me to watch over your ass in the first place. "Oh I do judge you sir, quite a lot actually." "Mox, he's our boss." "He's not mine." "Fir-" Millie goes to say my name but is interrupted by Blitzo. "No no no, it's fine Mills, your husband and this newsboy are just. How do I put this without being offensive?" I see that little grin. "Retarded." Fucking knew it.
"Does immaturely insulting people make you feel better about your sad single life." Blitzo runs up to Moxxie and gets up in his face, smiling like the damn prick he is. "It actually does." Loona finally decides to speak up but what she says doesn't exactly help this already tense situation. "The only reason you have a wife is because you are easy to manage." Now Millie is seeing red, she yells at Loona and flips her off. "No he's not you BITCH!" "Hey, don't talk to Loona like that, she is sensitive." None of this arguing is making the situation any better. "Yes I am!" "You guys are all fucking assholes." Who the fuck sa- oh it's the kid Moxxie shot, fanfuckingtastic.
"Oh shut up kid, your lucky to witness this." Blitzo is quick to respond to the kid. This whole meeting has led me to my final verdict on this company. Even though I received many pointers before hand that alluded to my verdict, I still waited to see if the would prove me wrong. Spoiler alert, they didn't. "God, why is your guys' company such a fucking mess." Moxxie looked up at me with eyes that screamed 8 hours of useless sleep. "Save me from this hell please." Blitzo grabbed Moxxie by the shoulder, pulling him in before saying "Sorry, no escape here, anyways, let's go back to talking about my outfit." Loona makes it known that "Nobody was talking about that." Blitzo who doesn't care responds, stating "Which is why I'm trying to get the ball rolling. So my outfit, it's good, right?"
The kid refusing to be ignored gets up from the table he is on and removes the cables strapped to him from the hospital monitor. "It's been a literal hell pretending to be paralyzed so you fuck shits wouldn't kill me. But now I want that. I want death." God this kid sounds as squeaky as a damn rubber ducky that sounds like it was a heavy smoker for the past 20 years. The kid points towards Blitzo before stating "You, are a selfish greedy clown. And I'm a kid, we are supposed to like clowns, even the creepy ones." Moxxie tries to talk the kid down but the kid simply turns to him and says "If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass I would rip out your spine and ask you some shit." This kid clearly has problems. Millie being slightly offended on how the kid was talking to her husband tries her hand at bringing the kid to heel. However the kid takes the information on Millie being married to Moxxie as a joke, laughing before saying "That's your husband, I figured you for a slut, but I didn't know you needed dick THAT bad!" The faces this kid makes shouldn't even be possible on a child. They almost seem predatory and condescending. Where the hell is this kid learning all this shit talk?
The fucker turns to face me, looking like he is ready to burst a maniacal laugh. This kid has got something for everybody apparently. "What the fuck are you supposed to be? Some lanky excuse for a scarecrow? You look like one of those poor poor boys who had to work in the mines and factories in the old days. Bwahaha, I bet if it was the 1870s, I would be with my Pops watching you get your arm tore of by some machine you decided to fuck around with. Get a better hat, yours is shit anyway just like the kids who wore them oh so long ago." This little shit did NOT just disgraced my fucking cap! I bet this excuse of an abortion doesn't even have another hat style beside a boring ass baseball cap! FUCKER DARES DISRESPECT CLASS! The imps grab onto me as I reach into my coat to pull out my hand cannon. They do a fine job actually keeping me from properly aiming it to pop the kid in the head.
The kid looks to the final member in the room who hasn't received shot yet from this diaper stain. "And you!" "What, what about me?" "Nothing, I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person." This kid is truly a piece of shit. He is nothing like the kids back in the company. They may be crazy but they aren't suicidal or full on shits like this little bastard. Everyone in the room is just pissed off by the kid right now. Blitzo ends the short silence saying "Wow, kid, you really are a piece of shit."
"I say we shoot him here and now. I mean we are in hell, he has nowhere else to run to." "Mr. Talls, I understand this kid pissed you off with his weird sense of class. You have a great choice in hat style. But I don't think we can off him just yet sadly." Blitzo talking like almost a reasonable person is a sight to behold, and also a little scary." Loona who was busy looking at her phone gets a message and tells us some of the best news I heard all day. "Oh shit! Guys, I just got a message from our client. Apparently he was the right target after all." The kid shocked by this change of events exclaims "Me!" whilst pointing towards himself. "They really wanted us kill an actual kid." "That's what they are saying Blitzo." Blitzo takes a deep breath before saying "Well Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god. M , you may release Reaver now." Millie and Moxxie who were still holding my arm let go. I pull up the hand cannon before releasing a shot towards the kid through the chest. The force of the bullet causes the kid to fly to the wall before dropping onto the ground dead.
You know, I'm pretty sure there is something to learn from this. We are out here to go far beyond what is possible and by doing so we have a business in Hell. With the help of our company associates, we have been a successful contractor for the past 1000 years for those living on Earth and those in Hell. IMP is just another one of our new associates and we will assist them with any issues they may encounter along the way. And if you think we are going to care about your opinion on our choices of approach and association well you can simply screw off, write us a bad review, whatever, just know that this is Hell and honestly nobody is going to give a shit about what you say. Oh fuck, I forgot, dead kid.
While I was going on my mental monologue. We were able to take apart the kid and stuff his body parts in a bag. Apparently, Blitzo seen this as the best moment to grab us and pull us all together into a hug. "You know, even though this kid was the target, and frankly a little shit, we should still give him and his mother the respect they deserve for their loss, Reaver, portal please."
In the living world on a news network, a mother is crying over a badly drawn picture of her lost son. Then suddenly a bloody bag falls into her hands as she cries out in surprise as she and the reporter look up to see the IMP employees and Reaver look down from above in a fractured portal. Firnen yells "Have a great day bitch, your whole family is full of terrorists. See ya later!" The portal comes together and disappears into thin air.
"So, Reavs, are you going to be available this weekend?" Blitzo asks, playing around with his fingers.
"I should be available, but it depends if our contract to Spetsnaz is finished by then. My forces in the Middle East are getting hit more frequently by all the warlords and factions over there." Reaver responds while swiping with a tablet. "But it's only a delivery run, a small one at that with not much in terms of high-profile supplies so we should be able to complete it before the weekend hits."
Blitzo responds while pulling out a horse toy "Excellent, well you can text me if the contract is complete. It's just that M decided it would be nice if we all had a nice dinner together or something like that. And since you helped me and my employees actually setup this whole thing, we thought it would be great if your fun ass was to come over, even if you are the head honcho of a full on PMC that operates in both the living world and Hell."
Reaver responds with the zig-zag marks on his sack hood turning up into a smile before moving as if it were a mouth. "Well ain't that nice of you all. I mean usually I'm just a guy talking about how a lot of things are shit with your company. But I will admit it is fun when guys invite me on a job. You remind me a lot when I used to go on missions with my old squad when I was younger and that was when my old man was in charge of Appalachia. Ahh, remember that Blitzo."
Blitzo starts to grin before saying "Heh, yeah. Me and the royal birdies would worry over your sorry ass when you return with all those cuts and bruises. But you would just look up to us and say that you were fine and always ready to play. Oh those were some good days. So when are we going to let M know that I well uh actually know you?"
Reaver sighs "You let them know whenever, I already have my plate full for the next few days dealing with some folks and now I'm the clock less I miss a free meal."
Blitzo looks away "I suppose."
In the distance, a helicopter is seen approaching the building IMP resides at before lowering in front of the building. "Well there's my ride. We'll talk later. I'm going to have to meet some birdies within the hour on a change of checkpoints. Take care Blitzo."
Blitzo looks back to Reaver walking through the glass doors towards the Hind gunship. "Take care kid."
The computer is beeping, the controls are fried, and the only thing blaring through the speakers was "Pull up, Pull up, Pull up." A crew member yells through the noise "What the hell is happening?" Reaver is seen looking pissed and yells "Who the hell is flying this thing?" From the speaker, the sound of the pilot who sounds a little young yells "Sorry sir, I wanted to try and do a backflip." Reaver's single white pupil narrows to a pinprick as he mumbles "Oh my fucking god, CARL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
BOOOOOOMMMMM
Thank you for reading this. I understand that the writing style is a bit over the place and I plan to revise this later on. It may be a few chapters before we move onto the next official episode. I plan to make some chapters with Reaver and the members of IMP that are separate from the canon. Anyways, I hope you have great day and until next time.