ATUHOR'S NOSE: To be clear, this is a total shitpost. It's a remake of one of the first fanfics I wrote back when I was a lOlRaNdUm xD teenager. Happy 20⅙th anniversary to the original Battlezone the Fanfic. (Story ID 977710 if you really wanna dig it up, though it's long been deleted and only exists on the Wayback Machine. But it does exist on the Wayback Machine.)
...Criminy I've been writing fanfic for over 20 years. I guess that'd be more impressive if I'd been writing fanfic the entirety of those 20 years rather than taking multiple multi-year breaks but it's still a lot even so.
Bob aggressively dabbed his way through the infinite plane of geometric figures and made it about half a screen before a random tank shot him again.
"Damn it why does nothing I try ever work I just want to go to the volcano and drink some lava!"
He respawned inside a pyramid this time and decided his next move would be aggressive pirouetting.
... "Damn it!"
Three days of aggressive dance moves later, Bob's luck would finally, finally turn around.
As he attempted to aggressively electric slide past the random tank that had spawned near him today, already resigned to having to die and respawn once more, he noticed something very curious.
He wasn't dead yet.
He paused and looked at the tank, wondering if maybe it was malfunctioning. Its cannon didn't look particularly bent, and its treads didn't seem torn. It just... wasn't moving.
"Hello? Are you not planning to murder me today?"
No response.
Bob approached the tank cautiously. It definitely wasn't moving.
In fact, on closer inspection, its hatch appeared to be open.
Knowing an opportunity when he saw one, Bob rushed the tank and climbed into the hatch as quickly as he could.
Slamming the hatch shut behind him, Bob looked around the interior.
It was pretty tiny. It only took him about twelve seconds to confirm that he was alone in here, even with the dim light he had to spend eleven of those seconds adjusting his eyes to.
He checked the hatch for a lock, secured it firmly, and looked over the tank's controls to figure out how to drive this thing.
It turned out to be actually surprisingly simple, so he quickly rotated the tank, aimed it toward the volcano, and blasted full speed ahead.
Five minutes later...
"Who the hell stole my tank, I was literally just taking a piss!"
To Be Continued...
"... Hey, just to check, we're in a non-canon end gag bit right now, right?" Bob asked.
The fact that he was able to ask this question was proof enough, but he wanted to hear it from my voice personally. Yes, Bob, this is a non-canon end bit.
"Cool. You're not gonna add a gratuitous gender exploration arc in this one like you did with that other decades-old story you came back to mostly as a joke?"
Truthfully I had considered it, but no. Bob's just a guy, and it's funniest if his entire personality is gags. There's no room in that to develop a gender identity subplot. Though maybe I'll arbitrarily say he's transmasc, just for fun.
"Wouldn't that prevent me from asking this kind of question?"
Only in canon.