ATUHOR'S NOSE: I forgot that this is a crackfic and Battlezone has no canon plot, I can literally just make shit up.
Bob drove determinedly in the direction of the volcano, despite all indications that this would not be particularly interesting.
After passing forty seven hundred thousand million cubes, as well as equally many pyramids and slabs, and blasting tanks the whole way, it occurred to Bob to actually check whether the volcano looked any closer.
"I think... it's maybe two percent closer? Only about two thousand hundred thousand million more cubes til I get there!"
Indeed, it seems he had estimated accurately, as after spending only eleventy hojillion years on only forty-nine repeats of this monotony...
he was here.
He drove the tank up the volcano's slope. He parked it at the rim of the volcano's crater.
He descended, carefully, into the caldera...
It was very hot.
"Wow, it's so hot!"
Probably on account of all the lava.
"The delicious tasty lava..." Bob's mouth watered with anticipation, and it immediately evaporated due to how hot it was.
Suddenly he realized he had no container with which to collect the lava.
"Uh. Shit. Not even a glass bottle?"
I know this is a throwback to my early-00s writing, but it's still a Battlezone fanfic and not an Ocarina of Time fanfic.
"You sure? HEY WAIT A MOMENT —"
Listen, quit worrying about the fourth wall, this isn't remotely serious.
"But how are we supposed to distinguish between the real story and the non-canon ending bits‽‽‽‽‽"
Simple. The real story is canon, and the non-canon ending bits aren't.
"This is silly! I'm gonna go drink lava now!"
And Bob upended the entire volcano and chugged all the lava in one go.
"Delicious!" Bob said incineratedly. "I've finally accomplished my only life goal! I am so satisfied right now! And I got to die horribly in the process, so I don't even have to worry about what to do next!"
The End, I Guess?
"... oh, is that the whole story?"
Yeah.
"Seems kinda abrupt."
It is a crackfic. It was never gonna "make sense" or "be particularly coherent" or "not be absolutely ridiculously absurd in literally every way". I had to make you up whole cloth just to have any characters at all.
"Still. Shouldn't there at least be like a boss fight guarding the lava?"
Maybe. I don't know how to make that make sense.
"Oh, fair. HEY WAIT A MOMENT —"