BART IS FALLOUT BOY

By WileE2005

DISCLAIMER: The Simpsons are trademarks and properties of Matt Groening and Disney, through the acquisition of 20th Century Fox. This is based off the 1995 episode "Radioactive Man," written by John Swartzelder, being an alternate take on the story, and is simply a work of fanfiction.

Springfield, Whatever-State-It's-In was abuzz with the fact that a Hollywood movie studio had come to their city to film their new blockbuster movie based off the Radioactive Man comics. Action movie star Rainier Wolfcastle, star of the McBain movies, was cast in the lead role of Radioactive Man, and the movie crew was holding auditions at Springfield Elementary School to cast a local boy in the role of Fallout Boy.

Bart Simpson was particularly excited about this, as he was always a big fan of the Radioactive Man comics and had read virtually every issue. He spent quite a bit of time preparing for his audition. The first afternoon auditions were being held at the school, Bart, wearing a towel as a cape, leaped up to the rest of the boys practicing their line for their audition and dramatically called out "Watch out!" as he pointed towards Principal Skinner's office, where the auditions were actually being held. The rest of the kids looked in that direction and gasped. But then Bart continued, "Radioactive Man!" Not minding the little joke Bart added to his rehearsal, the other boys began applauding and congratulating Bart on his performance. "Thank you," Bart said. "Thank you, thank you. It's all in the delivery." Then he continued with his acting, "'Now is the winter of our discontent…'"

The other boys gasped again, and Ralph Wiggum, being the dim boy he was, cried out "Oh no! Run!" and ran out of the line. But the other boys, including Nelson Muntz, Lewis and Wendell, applauded Bart again as he took a bow.

Behind them around the corner, Luanne Van Houten was straightening her son Milhouse's hair. "Mom!" Milhouse whined. "Don't make me do this! I don't wanna be an actor!"

"Nonsense," Luanne told him, ignoring his complaints. "You're going to be great! Now take off those glasses, so they can see your beautiful eyes!" She removed Milhouse's eyeglasses to reveal his unusually tiny eyes.

…

A little while later, the auditions went underway in the principal's office. Principal Skinner, the movie crew and Lunch lady Doris were having Nelson try out. Doris read the lead-in line that Radioactive Man would say: "'At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?'"

"WATCH OUT…" Nelson began shouting.

"Next!" the movie director interrupted.

Disappointed, Nelson folded up his script and started to leave the office. On the way out, he noticed a small mirror, pointed at his reflection and did his usual taunting laugh. "Haw-haw!" But then his expression changed as he realized, "Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party…"

Just as Nelson was leaving the office feeling glum, Ralph Wiggum entered, not holding a script, as he apparently did not know what he was supposed to do.

"'At last the world is safe,'" Doris flatly said, "'eh, Fallout Boy?'"

"What's for lunch tomorrow?" Ralph asked Doris.

The director put his hand to his forehead and announced, "Next!"

Oblivious to what was going on, Ralph continued asking Doris, "Chicken necks?"

Frustrated, the director began, "We're NEVER going to find…" But then he noticed Martin Prince sitting outside the office on a chair, whistling and waiting to meet up with a friend of his who was trying out for the part. The director exclaimed, "Wait a minute. That child has the exact qualities we're looking for! He's perfect! What is his name?"

The female executive answered, "I don't know. He just came along with one of the others. He didn't sign up officially."

"Oh, forget him then," the director said. "It wouldn't be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full." Then he turned to the door and called out, "Next!"

Sure enough, it was now Bart's turn. He entered the office with a confident look on his face and his script rolled up. Lunch lady Doris prompted him, "'At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?'"

Bart tossed his script to the floor, pointed upward and dramatically said "Watch out, Radioactive Man!"

The director, producer and female executive smiled. "Brilliant reading," the director exclaimed. "Again!"

Bart did his performance a second time: "Watch out, Radioactive Man!"

"Fantastic!" the director said with an even bigger smile. "One more time!"

Bart inhaled and boldly said "Watch out, Radioactive Man!" once more.

That did it. The director stood up and gleefully announced, "Congratulations, Bart Simpson! You're our new Fallout Boy!"

Bart couldn't believe what he was hearing. He gasped in awe.

"That's what I'm saying to you," the director continued, "as you're perfect for the part! Come with me."

And with that, the director and producer led Bart out the front doors of the school to the huge crowd of children awaiting to hear the news and announced to them, "Ladies and gentlemen, meet America's new Fallout Boy!"

Bart just grinned and took bows to the cheering kids. But girls with cameras began to crowd Bart, but he didn't mind. "I'm all yours, ladies!" he announced, enjoying the attention.

But then local attorney Lionel Hutz pushed the girls aside, saying "Out of the way." He caught sight of Bart and said, "Bart, baby, remember me? Lionel Hutz, your new agent, bodyguard, unauthorized biographer and drug dealer… uh, keeper-away-er."

"Charmed," Bart smugly said as he shook Lionel's hand.

Bart posed for a few photos for several of the girls and let them hug and kiss him quite a bit. But after a few minutes, Lisa showed up on her bicycle and said, "Come on, Bart! We gotta get home and tell Mom and Dad the big news!" She handed Bart his skateboard.

Bart groaned a bit and said, "Aw, OK. See ya tomorrow, girls," he said, getting on his skateboard and following Lisa home.

The girls all sighed wistfully but began screaming in delight and running after Bart.

Lisa noticed and said, "Oh no, Bart! What do we do?"

Bart had an idea. "Quick, let me lead! We can take my special route I use to lose bullies and people like Skinner!"

So, they did, which included riding through a very large, empty and abandoned sewer pipe, over some railroad tracks where there wasn't a crossing, and through some tight woods. They were able to lose the other kids through this little journey home, and among arriving back at the house, Lisa and Bart rode into the garage, where Lisa jumped off and locked her bicycle, and she and Bart ran into the house with Bart clutching his skateboard.

But Bart and Lisa were surprised to see Homer and Marge unboxing some neat luxurious goods they had just purchased, including a fancy motorcycle, a retro-style jukebox, a fancy old lamp, new skis, a jacuzzi suit, a large big-screen TV and surround speakers to go with it.

"What's with all that stuff?" Bart asked.

"Let me guess," Lisa flatly said. "You found out."

"Absolutely!" Homer gleefully said. "Now that Bart's a star, we've decided to start living in the fast lane!"

Lisa was skeptical. "But what if Bart's not a success? How can you afford all this?" she asked.

"Relax," Bart assured her. "With me as Fallout Boy, what can go wrong?"

"Oh no? What about that time you were the 'I Didn't Do It Boy?'" Lisa reminded him.

"That's different," Bart said. "This is real Hollywood show business. I'm in the movies! It's not just some cheap-o gimmick. So, don't have a cow, Lis."

"Mmm… cows," Homer said in his usual pleased manner, followed by a bit of drooling.

Lisa grumbled in slight annoyance.

…

The next day, in Bart's bedroom, Bart was admiring himself in the mirror and working on making his hair look as it did on Fallout Boy in the comics. He grinned at his reflection and practiced another exclamation. "Gee whilikers, Radioactive man!"

Lisa entered Bart's room and chuckled. "You know," she began. "My enjoying seeing you miserable is one thing but seeing you happy makes me feel happy inside as well."

Bart was touched. "Aw, thanks, Lis," he said, hugging his sister.

But as they hugged, a couple of movie crews member entered the room with high-powered movie lights, making a noticeable dent on the top of Bart's doorway. Homer followed them and poked his head into the room.

"Guess what, kids?" Homer announced. "They're gonna pay us $50 a day to film some of the movie here!"

"We'll run that cable through here," one crew member said as he was setting up a light and began knocking an opening through Bart's bedroom wall with a pickaxe.

"Careful, now," Homer instructed the crew member.

The director poked his head into Bart's room and said, "Oh, Bart? The talent coordinator wants to rehearse your lines with him and go over some of your part."

"Sure thing, director, baby," Bart said, acting like a smug big-shot and walking out of the room with a confident smile.

Homer noticed the director. "Hey," he told him, "didn't you direct Unnatural Discretion?"

"Well," the director said, "yes I did."

But Homer pinched his nose in one hand and fanned the air with his other, exclaiming, "Hoo-whee! Whoo! Oh! You know, I never walk out of a movie, but, yecch!" The director was clearly not amused.

The producer saw what was going on, cleared his throat and suggested to Homer, "I've got an idea, Mr. Simpson. Why don't you get something to eat from our food truck?" And among hearing that, Homer instantly ran off in a blur to stuff his face. "Mr. Simpson?" the producer asked in surprise.

…

A while later, Bart was going through the script with the director, producer and talent coach. Bart noted, "You know, I thought Fallout Boy's origin story was different. According to Radioactive Man issue #88, Fallout Boy, a.k.a. Rod Runtledge, got his powers at a radioactive experiment demonstration when he absorbed the rays from a xeno-ray machine while holding onto Claude Kane the Third, a.k.a. Radioactive Man, who was hanging onto the machine and took much of the blow that led to Rod absorbing the rays instead of frying him."

"Well… yes, but…" the director stammered, "this is more or less a reboot, and we wanted to go a different direction, hence Rainier Wolfcastle playing Radioactive Man. Plus, we've already started production, so it's too late to go and change Fallout Boy's origin."

"Fair enough," Bart said. "Your idea of the origin story sounds cool anyways. And at least this version of Rod doesn't need to wear glasses, either."

…

A couple days later, in downtown Springfield, shooting had begun. Crew members were setting up scenery and lights along the streets and lots. Lisa and Milhouse both walked around the lot together, looking for Bart, to see how he was doing with his first day of shooting.

Milhouse pointed to Lisa, "Look, there's the star! Rainier Wolfcastle!"

Sure enough, Rainier was going over his lines with the talent coach. "Up and atom," the coach instructed Rainier to repeat.

But Rainier repeated in his thick Austrian accent, "Up, and, at them."

"Up and atom," the coach insisted.

"Up and at them!" Rainier said.

"Up and ATOM!" the coach said, getting frustrated.

"Up and AT THEM!" Rainier exclaimed, with a little more emotion.

The coach thought that was somewhat of an improvement and said, "Better."

"C'mon," Lisa said as she pulled Milhouse away. "Let's go find Bart."

As they walked off, the director approached Rainier and said, "OK, Wolfcastle, time for you to get into your Radioactive Man costume. We're ready to shoot."

"Up and at them!" Rainier exclaimed as he got off, somewhat annoying the talent coach.

After a bit of searching, Lisa and Milhouse found Bart Simpson, wearing a light-yellow T-shirt and his hair slicked back in a 1950s style for his appearance as Rod Runtledge, Fallout Boy's secret identity. But Bart just stood their staring into space as Lisa and Milhouse spoke to him…

Lisa waved and said, "Hey, Bart! Looking sharp!"

"Gee, Bart," Milhouse said in awe, "what you're doing is so cool. I would never have the guts to be able to be an actor like you."

Then Bart suddenly exploded in a fiery blast. Milhouse and Lisa yelled in fright, "BART!"

Some crew members ran up to the kids as Bart's body parts were raining down. "We didn't do anything!" Milhouse tried to explain. "We just wished him well!" And with that, Bart's severed head, revealed to be a fake dummy with electrical wires coming out of his neck, landed right in Milhouse's hands, causing him to scream in terror.

A technician picked up the Bart dummy head by the wires and exclaimed in annoyance, "Stupid dummy wasn't supposed to explode yet!"

Lisa and Milhouse sighed in relief. Then Milhouse pointed over towards Evergreen Terrace, where they could see Bart with his slicked-back hair and Rod Runtledge clothes riding a bicycle, and said, "There's the REAL Bart."

But just after saying that, a van with "X-RAY" on its sides swerved around, trying to avoid Bart, but to no avail. The van hit Bart on his bike and stopped, with the side door sliding open and some kind of X-ray machine falling out of the van and right onto Bart.

"BART!" Lisa and Milhouse screamed in fear once more and ran up to him. But Lisa noticed something was off, and she grabbed Bart's hair and stretched up. Sure enough, the latex mask snapped right off the head of an older bald Estonian dwarf. "Hey, you're not Bart!" Lisa exclaimed.

"No, I'm just Bart when he gets hurt," the dwarf explained and let out a pained groan.

It turned out they were just filming part of the movie, and the dwarf was Bart's stand-in. The director, sitting in his chair, told the crew, "OK, let's get the real Bart over here, under the x-ray truck."

Two crewmen in red Radioactive Man T-shirts and hats dragged the moaning Estonian dwarf out of the opened space on the bottom of the "X-ray machine," holding the rubber Bart mask in his hand. Then the real Bart entered in his Rod Runtledge getup and said, "Hey Lis. Hey Milhouse. I get to be crushed by a truck! Cool, huh?" He wiggled under his place under the x-ray van and machine, then felt something under his back. "Hey," he told the director, "I think I'm lying on a broken bottle!"

"Beautiful!" the director exclaimed as a cameraman was preparing to start up the movie camera. "Use it! OK, Fallout Boy origin scene, take one!"

A crew member held a digital slate in front of the camera, reading "Scene 221, take 1, roll 17." He clapped the slate and got out of sight of the camera.

"Action!" the director called out as the x-ray machine started up and began beaming green rays of light at Bart's head.

Then Rainier Wolfcastle, in his Radioactive Man costume, ran in and "lifted up" the van with the help from hydraulics out of the camera's view. "Up and at them!" Rainier exclaimed.

Bart got up and shook hands with Rainier as he said his line, "Thanks for the help, mysterious stranger! Say, I think those x-rays gave me superpowers!" He made a muscular gesture as he said the second half of his line.

"And, cut!" the director announced. Rainier let go of the van and scratched the side of his mask. "That was perfect!" the director exclaimed. "Let's do it again." The van was then lowered back down on its' wheels as Rainier took his place.

"Well, OK," Bart said. He got back down under the "x-ray machine" and asked, "Uh, these aren't real x-rays, are they?"

"Good question! We'll check into that," the director said, gesturing to a crew member. Then he continued, "OK, x-ray machine to full power, take it from 'Jillikers,' Bart, and… action!"

"J-j-jillikers!" Bart stammered as the x-ray machine started up, but this time the green rays of light beaming from the machine was making Bart's skeleton visible.

…

A little while later, Nelson Muntz, Martin Prince and Ralph Wiggum watched as two crew members were painting black cow-like spots on a white horse. An animal handler was walking another horse already painted with black spots and wearing fake cow horns, a strap-on udder and a cowbell, and its' tail twisted up to be shaped like a cow's tail.

"Uh, sir," Martin asked, "why don't you just use REAL cows?"

"Cows don't look like cows on film," one of the crew members explained. "You gotta use horses."

"What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?" Ralph asked.

"Uh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together," the crew member said.

Homer approached three "teamsters" leaning against a truck parked not too far from the Simpson house and asked the men, "You guys work on the movie?"

One of the men, holding a drink and smoking a cigar, said, "You sayin' we're not workin'?"

"Oh, I always wanted to be a teamster," Homer said in awe. "So lazy and surly. Mind if I relax next to you?" And he ran next to them, yawned and stretched out his arms, and leaned against the trick. The teamster with the cigar saw that and stretched his arms out as they yawned as well. Homer cracked his knuckles, grunted and groaned as he stretched out some more, and slumped down so he was resting against one of the wheels. The three teamsters then copied that action. And soon all four of them were groaning and yawning and stretching together.

In the director's trailer, he and the producer were doing some business work when police chief Clancy Wiggum and mayor 'Diamond Joe' Quimby entered. The mayor was about to speak, but Wiggum gestured not to interrupt the producer's cell phone conversation.

"Oh, here he comes," the producer said to the caller on the phone. He then turned to Quimby and asked, "What is it now, Quimby?"

"Nothing, nothing," Mayor Quimby said. "…only the, uh… city has just passed another tax on, uh, puffy directing pants."

"But I don't wear puffy pants!" the director exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

"I meant a, uh, tax on not wearing puffy pants," Quimby corrected himself.

"Oy!" the producer groaned as he palmed his forehead, exasperated at the idea of such a ridiculous expense they had to spend another part of their budget on.

"I'm sorry," Mayor Quimby said, trying to sound sincere.

…

Bart was busy with the movie shoot for the next few days, so Lisa and the other kids didn't get to see him very much. Bart was initially really enjoying it, even if he had to get up really early each day for preparation and then shooting. He enjoyed being a movie star, playing a character in his favorite comic book series, no less. But there soon began to be a few annoyances to go with it…

Sure enough, a time came after a few days when Milhouse and Lisa were allowed to visit Bart in his trailer. Lisa knocked on the trailer door, with a star on its' front reading "BART SIMPSON."

"Who is it?" Bart asked.

"It's Lisa and Milhouse," Lisa called. "May we come in?"

"Sure thing," Bart said.

So, Lisa and Milhouse entered the trailer and were amazed by what they saw. Video arcade games! A candy vending machine! A Squishee machine! All for Bart!

"Wow," Lisa said. "I'm duly impressed!"

Bart stretched out his arms and legs while wearing his Fallout Boy costume and said, "Yep… or it would seem. Generally, it's pretty awesome, but it does have a few drawbacks. Like for example, I had to get up at 5:00 AM just for makeup, though I will say I do like how the blush brings out my cheekbones." He let out a sexy growl at his reflection in his dressing mirror, and then turned back to his sister and friend to continue, "And sometimes it gets a little repetitive with all the numerous takes we have to do. I mean, don't they realize I'm practically a one-take wonder?"

Then the director came up to the trailer doorway and said, "We've got to do the 'Jiminy Jillikers' scene again, Bart."

"But we already did it," Bart protested. "It took seven hours, but we did it. It's DONE."

The director explained, "Yes! But we've got to do it from different angles, again and again! And again and again and again and again and again!" As he said that he made framing shots with his hands all around the room, and then yanked Bart out of the trailer.

"I'll be back!" Bart called to Lisa and Milhouse.

"Take your time!" Milhouse said as he got started on one of the arcade games.

…

That evening, the film crew was watching the dailies of that day's shoot in the editing shack on a flatbed editing table. The scene took place in some kind of wooden fortress in the water, with Rainier as Radioactive Man and Bart as Fallout Boy hanging upside down from swings inside a large wooden cage.

"Ach! I can't believe Silly Sailor beat us both up and imprisoned us in his floating aquaworld!" Rainier said.

"Jiminy Jillikers!" Bart exclaimed.

"Tut-tut, now," Rainier scolded Bart, "there's no need for profanity, Fallout Boy."

As the producer and director were watching the footage, the producer said, "Everyone in town has been gouging us silly, but it's worth it. It's all up there on the screen."

"Yes," the director added. "That Bart is going to be big. Gabby Hayes big!"

…

A couple days later, the movie crew came to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and set up for a big scene. Lisa and Milhouse watched from a rafter as on the side of the reactor corridor, Bart as Fallout Boy, the director and other crew members, a cameraman and several lights were set up. Inside the corridor, Rainier Wolfcastle as Radioactive Man was bound and sitting on a platform surrounding a big metal column, and below him were a bunch of wooden furniture props with small torches wired underneath them.

"OK, listen up, everybody," the director announced over his megaphone. "This is the hardest, most expensive scene in the movie, and we only get one shot at it, so we have to do it right." As he explained the scene, Rainier had green glowing ropes bound to his wrists and ankles. "Fallout Boy will untie Radioactive Man and pull him to safety moments before he's hit with a 40-foot wall of sulfuric acid that will horribly burn everything in its path!" The director gestured over to a gigantic vat of boiling sulfuric acid, with two crew members ready to pull the hoist that would tip the vat over. "Now that's REAL acid," he warned, "so I want to see goggles, people!"

Rainier watched nervously as several crew members and the director donned special protective goggles. "Real acid?" he asked uncertainly.

Bart let out a nervous gulp as well. But he was also excited, since he loved living on the edge.

"OK," the director announced. "Roll film… tip the acid vats!" The two crew members over at the acid vat pulled the rope hoist, and the acid began pouring out. "Action!" the director called as Bart took his place, and the furniture underneath Rainer ignited in flames as the torches activated.

Rainier attempted to loosen the binds, and he said his line, "Only Fallout Boy can save me now!"

Knowing that was his cue, Bart leaped right over the railing and onto the platform Rainier was tied up on, announcing "Up and atom!"

"Jiminy Jillikers!" Rainer exclaimed. "Good work, lad! But, er, where is the anti-nullifier?"

As the acid drew nearer and Rainier got a little more anxious, Bart said, "Oh, that! I wasn't able to get to the Containment Dome. My mom sent me to my room to punish me for not being home by supper. But it was in my room where I made an important discovery! Hold still while I untie you…" As he said that, he was trying to untie Rainier.

"But the sulfuric acid…" Rainier warned Bart as he quickly whipped on his own pair of goggles.

Bart noticed, and at the last second, he swiftly put on his goggles as well, just in time for the huge flood of sulfuric acid to rush over them and crumple the metal column.

As Rainier and Bart were swept among the rushing stream of acid, Rainier exclaimed, "My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

Sure enough, the acid burned a hole through the wall of the nuclear plant and sent Rainier and Bart headfirst into a trailer. They both made painful noises in reaction to the burning acid as the bottom halves of their costumes burned away.

Back in the power plant, the corridor was a wreck, with the walls and doors crumpled and stained a sick green, burnt and mangled furniture props amongst puddles of acid on the floor, and a couple of the movie cameras also wrecked. A cameraman, the producer and the director surveyed the damage.

"Ehhh," the producer uncertainly said, "what do you think?"

"Ahh, let's just use it the way it was shot," the director said, shrugging it off. "That one shot cost us a million dollars, and it came out adequate enough. Remember that the editing stage is where it all comes together!"

"Where's the producer?" Krusty exclaimed, holding a Styrofoam coffee cup and wearing the sailor mate outfit he was wearing as part of his role in the film as Silly Sailor. "I want to talk about this coffee!"

…

After Rainier and Bart were treated for their burns, the Simpson family stopped by to see how Bart was doing.

"Oh, Bart!" Lisa exclaimed as she hugged her brother. "I'm so glad you're all right!"

"Ow! Quit it," Bart said, and Lisa released her grip. "That scene was no sweat for me," he continued. "You know I love to laugh in the face of danger!"

Lisa was now flipping through Bart's copy of the movie script. "Phew," she sighed. "At least you don't have any more dangerous stunts after this."

"Typical sister intuition," Bart said as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh, my special little guy!" Marge gushed. "I'm just so happy seeing your dream coming true…" She dabbed the happy tears at her eyes with a tissue.

"Yeah," Homer said. "And he's making us rich, too! He's finally paying off!"

But Bart and Lisa weren't really amused to hear that.

…

The Radioactive Man movie shoot continued over the next few days, and while Bart had fun acting several of the scenes and getting praise for doing so well, the annoyances were starting to get to him.

A scene was being filmed at the Springfield Waterfront where Radioactive Man and Fallout Boy capture Silly Sailor and his henchman and save Gloria Grand. Bart lifted up a fishing net containing Krusty and two other clowns with the aid of an underwater hydraulic system, as Rainier Wolfcastle was carrying the actress playing Gloria, suspended by wires, and being lowered back to the ground to make it appear as if Radioactive Man were coming in for a landing.

"…the effect of the nullifier wore off shortly after Silly Sailor tied me up in that abandoned reservoir." Rainier spoke his line.

"I was so worried for you," the actress said as Rainier's feet touched the ground, and Bart simulated having just placed the clowns' fishing net onto the dock with his super strength.

"Cut!" the director called out, and some stagehands ran onto the scene to help the clowns out of the net. "That scene went beautifully and was the best of the three takes we've done!"

"I could easily do a great job in just one take," Bart muttered, "but everyone else needs multiple takes to perfect it and get full coverage."

The cameraman moved his big movie camera closer to Rainier and the actress as another stagehand removed the suspension wires from the two. As this happened, the director continued, "This next shot will be easy, as it's just a dialogue scene between Radioactive Man and Gloria, only for Fallout Boy to interrupt at the end."

Bart glanced at his copy of the script again as a couple of stagehands got some ropes ready. "Excuse me," Bart asked the director, "but can't we also film a shot during that conversation where it cuts away to me tying up Silly Sailor and his henchmen? It'll add a little action to what's otherwise a mushy talking scene."

"Sorry, Bart," the director said. "We're still far into production to make such a change. Besides, when we cut to the next scene of you telling Radioactive Man and Gloria Silly Sailor's confession, the audience will see the clowns already tied up, and that will be perfectly adequate."

"Yeah, about that line," Bart added as he held up his script. "What I say does go on for some time: 'Radioactive Man! Silly Sailor just confessed! He told me the whole plan! They got their orders from some maniac called Dr. Clownius! Just wait until you hear… we don't have much time!' I think maybe we can condense it a little, like start it with 'Radioactive Man, Silly Sailor just confessed the whole plan!' How about that?"

"The line in the script is just fine as it is," the director insisted. "We also don't have much time for improvisation."

Among hearing Bart let out another groan, Krusty reminded Bart, "Yeah, don't you remember when you worked on my show, 'I Didn't Do It Boy'? That's show business for ya!"

Bart sighed heavily and said, feeling a little glum, "After this shoot I'm going to my trailer."

…

After that, Lisa managed to find Bart walking back to his trailer. He had his eye mask off and a weary look on his face.

"What happened today, Bart?" Lisa asked, concerned.

"Ehh, the same old stuff," Bart said. "We have to keep doing multiple takes of one scene from a few different angles, because there is often only ONE cameraman available. I tried recommending we have a couple extra camera workers on the scene, but they disagreed with me. They won't even take to some of my other suggestions to improve the shoot and/or my performance." He sighed. "I can't believe this. I'm finally starring in a movie based on my favorite comic book, working alongside Rainier Wolfcastle and Krusty the Clown, and I feel all weary. George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess."

"Cheer up, Bart," Lisa replied. "Just try to focus more on the bright side of things. I mean, you're working alongside Rainier and Krusty, playing Fallout Boy. You've got it made. What more could you want?"

But Bart just miserably looked up at the sky.

…

That evening, the director and producer came up to Bart's trailer. "Bart?" the director called. "We're ready to shoot the climax! Bart?" He knocked on the door fairly hard and called again, "Bart! Are you there? … Oh, never mind, I'm coming in!" He opened the trailer door and glanced around but was surprised to find that Bart was nowhere inside! He gasped.

Over at the Simpsons house, the director and producer had rang the doorbell, to which Marge answered. They asked if Bart was there.

"Last I saw, he went up to his room to be alone for a bit," Marge said. "It has been a couple of hours, so maybe he's ready to film by now."

The director and producer went up the stairs. Lisa heard them from her room and accompanied them. The director pounded on Bart's bedroom door and called, sounding a little exasperated, "Bart! We're ready to film the climax scene! We need you on the set in half an hour!" He waited a bit, but there was no answer. "Bart!" he repeated as he knocked again.

After several seconds of silence, Lisa asked, "Bart?" and gently knocked on the door. "Are you doing all right?" A few seconds passed, and Lisa shrugged and opened the bedroom door.

Lisa, the producer, and the director all gasped in shock to find the room empty, the closet door open with nobody inside, and the window open! They knew right away that Bart had escaped out the window.

"If anything happens to Bart," the producer said with great concern, "we're ruined!"

"Don't sweat it," Lisa assured the movie men. "I know my brother all too well, and the places he'd go for some alone time. His room is his number one alone spot, but I know the others. So just leave it to me." She walked into the bedroom door and closed it in front of the director and producer.

"OK," Lisa said to herself. "Bart's not in his room. That means he must be in his number two alone spot." She carefully climbed out the open bedroom window onto the nearby branch of the big tree in the backyard. Then she made her way right to the treehouse and climbed into the entrance. Sure enough, she found Bart sitting in a corner still in his Fallout Boy costume, looking kind of glum. "Bart!" she cried out, feeling a little accomplished that her hunch was right.

Bart looked up and said, "Hey, Lis… I was hoping if someone found me in here, it'd be you."

"Oh, thanks, Bart," Lisa said, happy to hear that.

Bart sighed again and said, "I guess I'm not cut out to be a star. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I didn't learn from that last time."

"But Bart," Lisa replied, "it was your dream! Well, just recently, but still."

"That was then, this is now," Bart countered. "It's a sham. You get up on that movie screen pretending to be a hero, but you're not. The real heroes are people like firefighters, paramedics, and Krusty being himself."

"But what about those trying to cure heart disease or wiping out world hunger?" Lisa asked.

"Lisa, they haven't cured anything," Bart said. "Heart disease and world hunger are still rampant. Those do-gooders are all a bunch of pitiful losers, like you and me."

"Give them time," Lisa tried to assure Bart, "and they'll make a difference. And if we give you enough time, I'm sure you'll reconsider all your glum and be more than willing to continue making the movie."

Bart moaned as he thought about the prospect, and then he and Lisa heard an approaching helicopter. They turned to the direction of the sound and saw a helicopter carrying a small older gentleman on a rope ladder. The copter dropped off the man in the treehouse, and Bart and Lisa gasped when they got a good look at the figure.

"Mickey Rooney!" Bart and Lisa both gasped.

"Hi, Bart," Mickey Rooney said, his voice full of energy and cheer despite his 75 years of age. "The studio sent me to talk to you, being a former child star myself, AND the number-one box-office draw from 1939 through 1940."

"Wow, spanning two decades!" Bart joked.

"How'd you find us?" Lisa asked Mickey.

"Uh, they tapped your treehouse phone," Mickey said as he pointed to the string-cup phone. A wire had been tethered to the center of the string and led to a surveillance van. He continued, "Bart… listen, you can't quit this movie. I've seen your work. It's good; very, very, good! Van Johnson good."

"I know I'm good," Bart replied. "But I'm just the little guy in all this. No offense, Mick. Movie stardom is just so hollow."

"Hollow?!" Mickey asked. "The only thing in show business that's hollow is the music industry."

Lisa nodded and commented, "I couldn't agree more."

"Come on, Bart," Mickey urged the superhero-costumed boy, "You have to do this, if not for yourself, then for the movie-going public and for the foreign markets that are more important than ever nowadays."

Bart began to think among hearing that.

"And finally," Mickey concluded, "do it for me… the Mickster."

"Hmm…" Bart thought some more. Finally, he smiled and said, "OK, I'll go back. I'll focus more on the bright side of it all, like Lisa said," to which Lisa beamed. "I just need to hit the hay early and catch up on some sleep, and I'll be all set to film in the morning."

Lisa and Mickey Rooney grinned among hearing that.

…

The next morning, Bart eagerly ran back to the movie set, back in his normal clothes but with his hair still styled like Fallout Boy's. He found the concerned-looking producer and director, and proudly told them, "Gentlemen, I got my confidence back, and I'm refreshed and ready to resume filming the movie!"

"Sorry, Bart," the director glumly told him. "We're shutting down production."

"Jiminy Jillikers!" Bart exclaimed in shock, a force of habit he picked up from saying it so many times during production of the film. "Why?!"

The producer explained, "It's not you, Bart. We're glad you had a change of heart. But the people of Springfield has been gouging us of much of our budget. We now have only a thousand dollars left."

Mayor Quimby stepped up and told them, "Uh, there's a thousand-dollar leaving-town tax."

The director, producer, and Bart all grumbled annoyedly at Quimby's one last opportunity to get some money from the movie people.

…

Hours later, all of the sets had been taken down, the equipment loaded into the trucks, and the townspeople all gathered at the town square and watched as the movie crew drove away back to Hollywood. Homer Simpson sobbed at this. "Now we have to return the luxuries we just bought and go back to being nobodies!" he cried.

Marge was also disappointed, but reminded her husband, "Homer, try to calm down. This must be especially hard on our Bart."

Mickey Rooney walked up to the citizens of Springfield and scolded them, "Well, I hope you're all satisfied. You bankrupted a bunch of naïve movie folks. Folks from Hollywood, where values are different. They weren't thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story… a story about a radioactive man, and you slick small towners took them for all they were worth."

Everyone else began to feel sorry for themselves. Homer started crying even louder, knowing that he was part of the crowd that got the movie canceled and realizing how selfish and greedy he had been. "We're greedy monsters!" he bawled.

Otto Mann sniffled and dabbed away a tear. "Should we give them some of their money back?" he tearfully asked Mayor Quimby.

Quimby blinked back tears and insistently said, "No."

The helicopter from Hollywood returned overhead, lowering its' rope ladder, and its' pilot called down to Mickey Rooney through a bullhorn, "Hurry, Mr. Rooney! We got a disenchanted little girl in a Jell-O™ pudding commercial."

Feeling more upbeat again, Mickey said, "I could play that," and he grabbed the helicopter's rope ladder and flew away with them over the horizon.

…

The next day, back in Edna Krabappel's classroom at Springfield Elementary School, Milhouse turned over to Bart's desk and asked, "So, Bart, I hope you're not too disappointed giving up all that glamour and coming back to school, huh?"

But Milhouse was surprised when the figure turned to face him, and he recognized the Estonian Dwarf's eyes through the latex Bart Simpson mask he was wearing again, along with his older-looking arms. "Quiet!" the Dwarf rasped. "Maybe I can get my citizenship."

END