"Would you give him up if I could come back?"
She heard the question but there was nobody to reply to. It was just not fair.
But then, nothing about this was fair.
Recently, she had been trying to cut down on talking to herself out loud. She hated the way it made her feel. It wasn't so bad in the privacy of her home. But sometimes, to her horror and embarrassment, she caught herself mouthing words when she was out among other people.
No, that was not gonna happen to her. She would not become the crazy lady of the neighborhood if she had anything to say about it.
When, at some point, she realized that the reason for that was not so much insanity as loneliness, it made her feel better. For all of five minutes.
She was not lonely! Moreover, she was no longer alone. She may be alone physically some of the time and entirely by choice. And yet, the habit formed during those months of mind-numbing desolation was hard to shake.
"You are not Jack," she informed the empty room. "You are not even Jack's spirit. Jack has given me his blessing. You are just some mean, nasty part of my own psyche which hates me being happy. The lousy self-destructive part of me."
…
"Don't tell me you are nervous, Greg."
"I am not nervous! Where did you get such an – Okay, I am a little nervous. Your whole family will be there."
"Boo-hoo! The Woods in force! I assure you, there'll be no hostilities there, just a nice old-fashioned family Christmas get-together."
"Janet, please understand. It's been years since I had to... to undergo this kind of scrutiny. Back then, that thing... meeting Francine's family... it was brutal."
"This is my family, not Francine's. They are gonna love you. But even if – "
"Aha! So you think they won't!"
"As I was saying, even if... In the highly unlikely event that they don't... So what? They don't make my decisions for me. The only person you need to stay on the good side of is me."
"And boy, is that ever a full-time job..."
"I beg your pardon? Ah, whatever. Hey, I know just how to allay your fears. My sister's bringing her girlfriend! Imagine all the excitement? Nobody's gonna have any energy left over from that to take you apart."
...
Soon upon arrival at the Wood family home, after the bustle of greetings, introductions and rapidly forming first impressions died down, there came a lull. Everybody was waiting for the rest of the clan to show up, which meant Uncle Daniel and Aunt Marie, as well as cousins Chuck with wife and two kids and Maisie with boyfriend.
Mrs. Wood busied herself with the final preparations in the kitchen. Her husband went upstairs to have a lie down and a nap to conserve energy for the lengthy and arduous family reunion.
The younger generation settled down for a schmooze.
Greg and Jenny gravitated towards a corner of the living-room.
"Jenny, I am deeply indebted to you."
"Not at all. I don't know if you've noticed but nobody tells Jannie what to do. Not even me. All I did was give her a gentle prod in the right direction."
"Not all that gentle, from what I heard."
"Sometimes it takes a cattle prod. That's the only kind that will work on her."
"I was led to understand it involved medieval torture and extracting promises under duress."
"I didn't happen to have a cattle prod handy. But you give me too much credit. She would've gotten there by herself eventually. Although not before tormenting both herself and you within an inch of your lives."
"Don't know about her but I was very close to that point."
"She wasn't exactly having the greatest time, either. It might've been even harder on her, craving something that could be hers for the taking and yet denying herself."
"Did you say craving? Wow."
"Believe me, I know my sister. I could tell how she felt about you even as she was trying her damnedest best not to. If you ask me, she took that whole grieving widow schtick way too far. Sometimes Jannie just doesn't know when to stop."
"By the way, where is she? I haven't seen her in a while."
"Probably off somewhere flirting with my girlfriend. Hey, Greg, take it easy! She can't help it. She's hardwired that way. It doesn't mean a thing."
"It must run in the family. Here you are flirting with me, and I know for a fact it can't possibly mean a thing."
"Was I flirting? I wasn't aware. Must've picked up a few things growing up around Jannie. Look, what she is doing with Kate right now is the same thing I am doing here with you. Er… that came out wrong."
"Which is what? Making an assessment of whether we are up to the mark?"
"Not even close. We are both perfectly capable of making up our respective minds, so we don't need each other's seal of approval. More like extending a welcome to the family."
"My goodness! I am not sure your sister wants to take it that far."
"Doesn't matter. Whether she wants to make it official or not, you are now officially part of this family, Greg Halliday. Deal with it."
"I've dealt with worse, believe me. I am honored."
"Kate and I don't have the option of making it official, and yet she's definitely one of the family. At least, for as long as she is with me."
"That's a curious thing to say for someone in a committed relationship."
"I know. Most people pledge lifelong devotion, a happily ever after… I am too much of a realist. Those happily ever afters often fall apart at first sign of trouble."
"Janet told me you gave her some advice regarding me along the same lines."
"That I did. What was holding her back, other than Jack's memory, was all that pressure she was putting on both of you. Once she was able to relax and settle for taking it one step at a time, it became easier for her to take that first step."
"I wonder, does Kate know your views on the subject?"
"She knows very well. Look, I am fully committed to Kate – meaning that as long as I am with her, other people don't exist. And I do mean other people. I've dated men in the past, and I haven't entirely sworn off them. I just happened to fall for Kate."
"Why do I feel strangely comforted by this last part?"
"Cute. I am well aware that at some point in future we may drift apart, or meet other people, or simply outgrow each other. I sincerely hope that time never comes. But if it does… we'll both just have to move on."
"It is a very down-to-earth way of looking at it. But then, you must deal with a lot of ugliness in your line of work and get to see human nature at its worst. It has to have a sobering effect on a person."
"You may be right. Jannie and I are lucky to come from a happy marriage, but I did learn very early on that life wasn't always like that. Only you know something, Greg? It isn't just ugliness I see in my line of work. I also get to see the beauty of human nature at its best – empathy, and loyalty, and self-sacrifice, and perseverance in the face of impossible odds, and yes, love… What do you think gives me the stamina to carry on?"
"Jenny, I apologize if I am staring… I've never met anyone like you before. Oh no, that came out wrong. I didn't mean – "
"Relax, I know what you didn't mean. You've got too much class, or my sister wouldn't be with you."
"Thank you. What I mean is that you are a remarkable woman. Not that I would expect any less of Janet's sister. And not that she hasn't told me how remarkable you are."
"Of course, she has. She likes to brag. "My sister the big scary lawyer."
"Not her exact words but she did brag. She is no end proud of you. And I don't blame her. In fact, she didn't do you justice. She neglected to mention how stunning you were."
"Hmm... Who is flirting now, Greg?"
"Lady, if you think that was me flirting, you haven't seen nothing yet. Anyway, I've already told her I was in love with you."
"With me? Didn't she find it a bit confusing?"
"Not in the proper context. It was after she told me about the part you had played in getting us together. Once again, I am forever in your debt."
"Great, we've circled back to where we started. Wait till Jannie starts yapping at you over some trifle and then tell me how grateful you are."
"Been there, done that, still grateful. Now, let me ask you a question on an unrelated subject. Do you know your parents' plan in regard to... er... room assignments?"
"Is that what's bothering you? You can relax. Our folks are also realists. In fact, Mom's pretty freethinking for her generation. Dad used to be a big stickler for proprieties, but that wore off with time. After all, they did accept Kate and me, and that was a much tougher proposition than any mischief you may get up to with Jannie." Jenny's eyes lit up with an eerily familiar impish spark. "Besides, this house isn't exactly a mansion. Once my uncle and cousins arrive, we'll be lucky if we aren't crammed four to a room. What, you never been to a half-Italian family Christmas before?"
...
In the den next door to the living-room, a different conversation was unfolding.
"What do you think our better halves are up to, Janet?"
"Last time I saw them, they were having a heart-to-heart in the living-room. If I know my sister, she's giving poor Greg the third degree."
"Is that what you think? No offense, but I may know my girlfriend better than you know your sister."
"I won't dispute that since you spend a lot more time with her than I do. But what do you mean?"
"Jenny's the last person on earth to find fault with your guy. She's too open-minded not to give everybody a fair chance. I don't know your parents well enough to speak for them but Jenny's definitely Team Greg. Which doesn't mean she won't mess with him a little. Just to keep him on his toes."
"Kate! Jenny does not – "
"Are you sure? Take it from me. She's a master messer when she's in the right mood."
"I'll have to take your word for it. Whenever she's with me, she's too busy straightening me out to mess with me or anybody else."
"She does feel very protective of you. And she absolutely adores you and is insanely proud of you, but that's a foregone conclusion."
"I know, Kate. Likewise. I am so lucky to have her."
"You are both luckier than you know. See, Janet, I am an only child. Ever since I met Jenny and she told me about you, I've been fascinated by the amazing sibling relationship you two have."
"You got that right. Not all siblings are the same way. And being an only child – I can't even imagine how lonely that must feel."
"Well, that's the hand I've been dealt. It's up to me to make the most of it."
"I don't know if I've always been as good a sister to Jenny as she is to me. I moved away from home and was pretty much out of her life when she was just thirteen. I know she took it very hard. I still feel guilty about it. I owe her so much I'll never be able to pay her back."
"Believe me, Janet, she doesn't require or expect any payback."
"You know how many times she's dropped everything to rush to my side when I needed her? In most cases, before I even realized I did. I just wish I could reciprocate in some way."
"Jenny's not one to let on that she may need help or support. Even when she does."
"That's what I am talking about. We've always had this dynamic – me leaning on her and her being my rock. Even when she was just a young kid. I've never had a chance to be there for her, for a change."
"She has no doubt you would do so in a jiffy. Now, do you want to mess with her a little?"
"What? How?"
"How do you think? Come on, it's all in innocent fun."
"First off, Jenny's not gonna buy it. She knows – "
"She knows what? That you don't swing that way?"
"Well, there's that." Janet looked mildly embarrassed. "And also, that I would never do anything like that to her. Correct me if I am wrong, Kate, but I believe you are a great partner to Jenny, and I'd like to think I am a half-decent sister to her. Let's not mess with that."
"You are not wrong. Too bad, though."
"Besides, what about poor Greg? I don't want to give him a heart attack. Jenny may see right through it but he won't."
"Trust me, he's not gonna have a heart attack. Really, Janet, you are surprisingly naïve about certain things. Men love this kind of stuff. If anything, he'll just get extra turned on."
"Perfect, that's just what we need under my parents' roof."
Kate glanced at her in that disconcerting way of hers – an open, direct look and a subtly suggestive smile.
"Something tells me you are one hell of a screamer. Are you?"
Janet blushed.
...
A screamer. Was she ever.
Getting used to being with a new man in her life hadn't been easy. She had not expected it to be.
Although she had yearned for him for months, although she could barely contain her own arousal, although all that insanity in the elevator should have made it feel more natural, it still felt at times like diving into icy cold water on a chilly day.
She couldn't have found a man more different from Jack in this respect if that had been her purpose. Sometimes, when he touched her gently, as if afraid to break something precious and fragile, she found herself biting her lips in frustration and longing for Jack's rough handling. For goodness' sake, Jack would be all over her by now! She would be crushed in his arms, hauled off to bed or a table or a wall, whichever was handy, and filled with his impetuous passion, so that there would be nothing for her to do other than relinquish all control, all power and drift on the waves of almost unbearable pleasure.
But Jack, to his dying day, had remained an overgrown teenage boy. All vigor and stamina, zero subtlety. He had not believed in foreplay. He had had no use for any techniques of arousing and pleasuring his partner. Neither of them had needed those.
During those early days when they were still living in Apartment 201 and when she was new to sex, she had at times felt it was just a bit too much. Jack had been overly possessive and almost obsessive. There had been times when she wanted to tell him she was not his sex slave. But before long she knew she wouldn't have it any other way.
Greg, on the other hand, was a mature, sophisticated lover. After Jack's unbridled, uncontrollable lust, he was all subtlety and restraint. He would walk up to her from behind and gently, almost ceremoniously, lift her hair from the nape of her neck and cover it with delicate, deliberate kisses, as if each kiss was a delectable morsel to be savored. He would touch her lightly with the tips of his fingers, driving her to the heights of ecstasy. He would murmur words of love in the softest, barely audible whisper – and ignite in her a fire she had never known before.
She never would have believed any man capable of giving her pleasure even more intense than that she had experienced with Jack. Until this exquisite, tantalizing torment…
The thought of her ecstasy being broadcast all over her parents' house was uncomfortable and mortifying. Better abstain for the couple of nights they would spend here. She had no doubt Greg could control himself. The question was, could she?
...
"I knew it. You are a screamer. Here's a thought! Ask him to gag you. He might love that."
"What?! Why would he want to do that?"
Kate gave a roll of her green eyes, not unlike the signature Wood eye roll. "Oh Lord, Janet, don't tell me you are a stranger to the delights of bondage games. You are so much a woman of the world in every respect that I thought – I am making you uncomfortable, aren't I? Okay, let's change the subject."
"I think it's time we rejoined them," suggested Janet with a little sigh of relief. "They might be wondering what – " She caught herself in time. That was a dangerous road to go down with Kate.
"Let's," agreed Kate. "So, where do we stand on a little harmless messing?"
...
"Oh, there are you guys! We were just about to send out a search party."
"Why didn't you?" Kate and Janet emerged from the den, arms tightly around each other and blissful smiles on their faces.
Greg stared at them with a complex expression, as if uncertain as to which one out of a mix of conflicting emotions he should be feeling. Jenny looked amused and slightly annoyed.
"Had fun, you two?" she asked.
"No kidding!" Kate's eyes opened wide in mock amazement. "Jenny, your sister is really something! I never would've thought – "
"Okay, enough!" snapped Jenny. "You and your brilliant jokes, Kate."
Kate turned to Janet with a triumphant look. "See? I told you she wouldn't buy it!"
"What?! I told you that!"
"Watch it, Kate," said Jenny through her teeth.
"Why, whatever do you mean?" asked Kate innocently.
"Nothing. Just watch it, okay?"
Kate shrugged nonchalantly and turned to Greg. "And how are you two faring here? Keeping things harmonious?"
"Very much so. Janet, your sister is a fascinating young woman."
"Didn't I tell you so?"
"Sure you did. You just forgot to mention gorgeous."
"Did I now? I trusted you to notice without my prompting."
"Well, I mean, of course I noticed. But nothing has – "
"Relax, Greg, I didn't mean to imply – "
Suddenly, all four stared at one another – and burst out laughing.
"I take it, everybody's gotten well acquainted with everybody else," said Mrs. Wood entering from the kitchen. "Girls, Uncle Daniel just called to say they were on their way, the whole bunch of 'em. Any volunteers to help put dinner on the table?"
...
After the noisy and lavish Christmas dinner, everybody miraculously managed to find a place to retire for the night in relative privacy.
Janet had been rummaging in the old bookcases in the den and dug out a dusty tome. While Greg was preparing for bed, she sat in an armchair with her nose buried in the book.
"You gonna read all night?" inquired Greg. "What's so absorbing?"
"It's classical poetry. Oh Greg, it's so beautiful! It speaks to me. Just listen to this:
Oh how, as years on us advance,
Our love is gentler, our caring purer…"
"Hang on a second. "As years on us advance"? This speaks to you? You are a young whippersnapper!"
"It was written in the mid-19th century, Greg. Back then, a woman my age would've been a crone."
"And a man my age would've been… long dead, having passed in his dotage." He chuckled. "Well, we won't be planning any trips back in time then. Speaking of which, are you planning to come to bed any time soon?"
"Sure. I'll just read for a bit longer. It's so good it's hard to tear myself away."
"From old poetry? I would understand if it was a whodunnit. Okay, now I am intrigued. How does it go?" He tried to read over her shoulder.
"Wait, I'll read it to you from the top:
Oh how, as years on us advance,
Our love is gentler, our caring purer…
Shine on, shine on, daylight's farewell glance!
The last love's sunset, may thou endure!"
"Thou?! What is this, Shakespeare?"
"It's translated from some old Slavic poet famous for his lyric verse. Not that I could ever pronounce his name," she chuckled. "Listen on and don't interrupt." She got up, leaned against the window sill and recited with feeling:
"A shadow's obscured half the heaven's light;
Yet yon, towards the west, a radiance doth wander.
Linger, oh linger, thou day of the night,
May this enchantment stay on longer!
Our vigour's gone, our blood may run slow,
But tender passions still show no weakness.
Oh this last love, this farewell glow!
Thou art, all at once, both bliss and bleakness."
"Okay, I kind of see your point," conceded Greg. "It does have a certain... er, cadence to it."
"Cadence. You mean, you don't have a clue what it's about."
"Give me some credit. I got it all right. Come here." He sat in the armchair and gently pulled her onto his lap. "The last love, eh? I gotta say, the idea of being your last love… I could live with that." He buried his face in her hair as his hands began fluttering all over her body.
"Greg, no, please!" she breathed out. "I am sorry... My parents are right down the hall... and the rest of my family. I won't feel comfortable..."
"So, that's what the sudden passion for ancient poetry was all about. You were hoping to bore me to sleep with it, right?"
She blushed and nodded.
"Okay, I understand. Lucky for you, I am not twenty years younger. You might not have found me quite as docile back then." He held her to him and rocked her. "You little whippersnapper you… You may well be my last love, you know. As for me being yours, I wonder."
Her head resting on his shoulder, she stared into space and wondered, too.
.
June 12, 2022