And Now It's Over. But Maybe Not.
By: MusketeerAdventure02
Summary: Bode contemplates his past, present … and hopes for the future.
Bode hung up the phone, then slowly made his way further out into the yard.
Curiously, he noticed that his hands were shaking, and that his body hurt from head to toe. He reached for his chest where his heart beat erratically; pounding in sync with flashbacks from today's events, his mother's beseeching pronouncement, and just now Gabriella's pained voice.
Massaging his neck, rolling his shoulders – arching his back, he felt today's climb down into his bones. He was weary.
"No one can say that this was easy." Cap told them after the rescue. "It wasn't. It was tough going … and you all did good." It felt great to hear the praise.
Because it had been a long, hard day… hot, precarious, and dangerous. Full of twists and turns no one could have anticipated.
The rescue was a success and everyone made it back safely. Work, don't worry. Wasn't that the motto?
Most were inside the barracks at this late hour either resting, or patting themselves on the back for a job well done. Word was that Kristen, their rescue, was going to be okay. So, the aching muscles, the uncertainty… it was all worth it. They had saved a life.
However, being inside with the others, alongside all that euphoria felt claustrophobic to Bode. He needed to get out where he could breathe and feel the fresh air; get himself together.
After his talk with Gabriella, he needed some solitude. He needed a break from the disappointment in her voice, a break from the guys … a break from being an inmate… just for a moment.
So out here in the yard, he sat very still at the picnic table, took a deep breath then exhaled so completely, he felt empty. No, he felt hollow, alone; bereft. He was at yet another crossroads in his life and as par for the course, did not know what to do.
Shivering a bit, he rubbed at the goosebumps erupting on his arms. It wasn't even cold out here, so he knew this sensation meant something other than the obvious. It always did.
Leaning forward, he placed his forehead down on the table and tried to concentrate. Wooden splinters pricked at his skin. He needed to concentrate on how to move forward.
Closing his eyes he traveled back in time to when he was a little kid – maybe six or seven and got his first glove and ball for Christmas. Chuckling softly he recollected the joyous leap into his father's arms and could see his dad's eyes light up, pleased with how excited he was. He got the goosebumps then, astonished at how gloriously happy he was and wondered how Santa knew just what to bring him.
Eventually, down the road, that happy moment would lead to a winding journey toward injury, pain … addiction and the end of long held dreams. His set future of college and perhaps a career in professional baseball … vanished.
Sitting up straight, he studied the sky and noticed how black it was. Not a star out there, as far as he could see … and recalled painfully how dark the sky was on that night. How there was no light to guide the way. Riley … sitting next to him – confused, angry, hurt … hysterical. He, unable to talk her down. Her frantic behavior at the time, uncharacteristic … frightened him.
And then it was over.
Vague memories of standing outside the fiery wreckage of his car assailed him … hands burned and bloodied – shivering; his emotions out of control … screaming Riley's name over and over and over and over again, unable to reach her through the flames – goosebumps painfully sprouting all over his body. That moment of indecision leading to the end of everything. Life as he knew it … over.
His fault.
"Don't come back… don't come back…" The echo of his father's words bombarded his senses, so he covered his ears to tamp down on the barrage of their meaning – cutting, accusatory … devoid of feeling. But it was no use.
Those words were always with him, underneath everything he said or did or tried to accomplish. Just like Riley, who never left his side, who waited and watched from the edges of his life. He could not shake loose from it. And did not want to.
He should have never come back here. Found some way to escape, before it all swallowed him up.
But things had changed.
Frowning, he let his father's words, and Riley's essence drift out into the darkness. He needed to think. What to do? Where to turn?
Because now, his mother needed him. She said she needed him here, at home. She needed his help. Bode shivered again, balled up his fist and struck the table. The force of his frustration shook the foundation and stung his hand. The noise it generated was loud, harsh and splintering.
Striking the table again, he could not believe it. Already his temper, his fear was rearing its ugly head. This wouldn't do. She needed him to be steady, strong – his actions and deeds beyond reproach. Someone she could count on.
Rubbing his hand to sooth the bruise he could feel forming, Bode knew deep down that, this person his mother imagined was not who he was … who she believed him to be.
Climbing up the side of that cliff today with Jake and Eve by his side … saving people was who he wanted to be. It felt strange to be on that piece of rock again. It felt easy, freeing … like he was eighteen again.
Incredibly he remembered every nook, every hold; his feet were sure – his hands steady … his mind focused. Just like old times. Jake at his side, counting on him to get them out of jams so he could then race to the top and raise his arms in victory. Eve laughing at them the whole way up.
He got goosebumps back then too. Excited, content in the company of friends who knew him… understood him, loved him – like family.
But those moments were over now. Lost in the past; never to be recovered. They couldn't go back … could they? Could he?
Just like Gabriella. He needed to let that go. Let her go. She didn't need his baggage. He didn't need his baggage. What he needed was to stay focused; figure out a way to be the man his parents needed him to be … the man Cap needed him to be. He could sense Riley nodding in agreement just out of reach.
Standing between Jake and Gabriella was not a good idea. He could see that now. Like Jake pointed out earlier … what was it that he could really offer? His friendship would only cause her grief.
Bode stood to his feet and stretched his arms above his head until he could hear his shoulder's pop. He was tired, exhausted. Lights out was coming soon. Sleep was what he needed.
Maybe the answers to all of his worries would come to him in sleep – in the form of dreams; so that when he awoke in the morning all of the solutions would be waiting.
Maybe his mom's condition wasn't as bad as he thought. Maybe there were ways he hadn't thought of yet where he could step up, give CAL Fire his best and prove to himself and everyone else he had what it took. Parole was what he needed to strive for.
Maybe Gabriella would forgive him for the way he let her down. Maybe … maybe…
And then there they were… standing side by side in the dark – waiting for him it seemed.
Hesitant in their bearing. Jake, reluctant … defiant almost, arms crossed – ready for a battle if need be. Eve – eyes warm; always the mediator between them. Riley … drifting in and out of focus – silent, cautious, wary of her place.
Bode stopped in his tracks to study them closely. And for a brief moment they were all kids again; gangly, full of life, fearless – the future way out on the horizon. Nothing could hurt them.
"Well this is a surprise", he breathed in, and felt air fill up his lungs – that hollow feeling dissipating bit by bit.
"We come in peace." Eve chimed out from the shadows, smiling; glad they were together again. Hoping it would last.
Thank you for reading.