And Now It's Over. But Maybe Not.
By: MusketeerAdventure02
Summary: Jake contemplates his past, present … and hopes for the future.
Feeling unsure, Jake peered down at his cellphone and studied his contact list … finger hovering, ready to connect. Gabriella's name sat prominently at the top along with her smiling picture prompting him to call and reach out.
He could hear her now, laughing at his indecisiveness. "Take the leap Jake", she would say, "Just do it."
But instead of taking her advice and diving all in … he balled up his fist and watched anxiously as the screen dimmed and then powered down into black. His moment to call, to ask how she was, to say, "I'm proud of you; I love you", was lost.
Pressing the phone to his forehead, he could not fathom this weakness. Where was all this angst coming from? What was his problem anyway?
Shaking the phone in frustration, he let out a harsh grunt, and then placed it down next to him on the bench. Concentrating hard, he stared intently into his locker. Everything there was orderly, organized … in its place. His jacket hung, just so. His shoes arranged, straight and precise. All of his hygiene products were lined up systematically by size, shape and color. Pictures of Gabby, Vince and Sharon; Eve … his family – all perfectly aligned. The space between each, exactly two inches apart. This forced order … structure gave him comfort.
If only his life could be so neat and tidy.
Jake rubbed at his eyes and groaned softly. Sitting here, alone, in front of his locker – he could literally feel the weight of silence. Its cloak so heavy, he could not get up from beneath it.
It was hard to believe that just an hour ago, this placed was filled up with noise, chatter and sublime chaotic relief.
But now the firehouse was quiet. The crew was either bedded down in quarters or home with family and friends. Content they had made it safely through another day, another crisis. He thought of each man, each woman – the green probies, Manny and his crew … of their toughness, fortitude; heroism.
He could not have asked to work with a better group of people. This was his family. This was his life … right? He had worked so hard for this, given everything. Not waited in the wings and stolen it, like Bode suggested.
The accusation that he would benefit from Vince and Sharon's pain hit hard. Jake swiped at his face and could feel his hands shaking – so gripped them tight.
It had been a rough day. A long day … made longer by a difficult, precarious rescue; being the one in charge; Eve hurt … and Bode. The list could go on he supposed.
A sudden flashback of Eve, her body – unmoving, lying at the bottom of the cliff caught him off guard. He reached for his chest and found it pounding one hundred miles an hour. What if he had made the wrong decisions today? What if something terrible had happened to Eve? She could have died in that fall. It was his call to cut the line. It was his call they all climb up together; no matter the risk. It would have been his fault if …..
In that moment, back at the site, before panic set in, he had wished Vince there. To have Vince there to make the hard choices, to take on the burden of leadership, to prevent him from being the cause of disaster, a failed rescue … a death.
But in the end his training kicked in and everything worked out. Eve was okay, the rescue was going to recover, and the crew was all safe. He and Gabriella were … what?
Somehow the dynamic between them had shifted and he couldn't wrap his mind around when the change occurred, and why or how it was happening. Bode seemed in the mix, but he sensed something else.
Jake stared down at the phone again, but refrained from picking it up.
He wanted, no needed to talk. Gabby was his sounding board; his comfort, his friend. He loved her. Of all the people she would understand about today. She would get how frightened he was, how worried he was for her, how being in charge felt like a gift and a curse at the same time.
But he couldn't pick up the phone. Why not?
Covering his face, Jake took a deep breath … held it in – then let it all out, slow and steady … shuddering.
In the shadows he sensed Riley watching him and shivered. Goosebumps broke out on his arms, so he rubbed them vigorously to stave off the chill she inevitably brought with her.
Always Riley came to him in moments like this. Moments of uncertainty, indecision … fears. Riley, who stood quietly, frowned slightly and tilted her head in just that way to make him feel admonished. The overriding guilt he felt in her presence was a mainstay.
He could not escape her.
His part in her death was an all-consuming despondency that engulfed his every move, every relationship, every decision … everything. She haunted him every chance she got. And he did not begrudge her the scrutiny, only welcomed her – in the hopes that one day, that would be the day she would forgive him and leave in peace.
Leaning forward, he placed his elbows on his knees and sighed with regret.
"I'm sorry", he said aloud… hoping she would hear him this time, forgive him, understand him. He should have told her he didn't lover her like that. They were friends … it wasn't serious … they were just having fun – they were just kids. He hadn't realized she was really in love with him until he was much older, until now. Now that he knew what love was all about… that it took work; commitment – trust.
And then without warning, before he could grow up and understand – she was gone … his fault. Vince and Sharon – devastated … his fault. Eve hurt and confused … his fault. Bode, missing in action … his fault.
"Yeah Bode", he thought aloud with some level of irritation. Back here in Edgewater – a man now; someone he didn't know or recognize. Someone who had obviously gone through hell and now was trying to make up for missteps; mistakes he knew nothing about. Mistakes that led to incarceration.
But today, it was like going back in time. They were eighteen again, climbing up that cliff … no baggage, no agendas – no secrets … living their best lives.
Just like old times.
He and Bode, side by side; having each other's back since first grade – on the playground – the ball field – sharing dreams; fighting each other, pushing each other to be the best at everything. The competition between them had been fierce, endless and satisfying.
Massaging his neck, Jake felt today's climb deep down in his bones. He was so tired. A hot shower hadn't loosed the knots in his muscles, or eased how weary he was. Pats on the back from the crew hadn't lifted this malaise; the rescue, Kristen – safe and on the mend hadn't improved his outlook.
And he couldn't bring himself to pick up the phone and reach out to the person he said he loved.
What he wanted was to feel the way he did earlier today making his way up the side of that cliff with Eve and Bode by his side… confident, unafraid … fearless.
How was he to get that back? How?
Riley stood silent as ever in the corner of the room. Somehow she seemed to have all the answers. "I know", he sighed out; voice tinged with sadness. "I know."
Abruptly, with a sense of new found energy coursing through his body, Jake stood to his feet, stuffed his phone deep down his back pocket, grabbed his jacket from the locker – and then slammed it shut – shampoo, deodorant and shower gel clattering about in disarray.
Making up his mind, he sprinted from the lockeroom.
He would go see Eve. She would know what to do. Always she was the glue that kept the three of them on point. Maybe she could work her magic now… reverse time; be the mediator.
Moving swiftly, he found himself racing from the firehouse – bit by bit, a sense of urgency overwhelming him… Riley following softly in his wake.
Thank you for reading.