Well hello there... It's been a while, but here I am back again. life has not treated me too kindly in the last months and so I am a little nervous about this fic as it's the first thing I have written in a long time. In saying that I will warn you that nasty comments will not be tolerated, it is part of the reason I stopped posting for so long. If you do not think this fic is for you then kindly move on and find something that is more to your liking.

'Come on Selina' Harry all but begged 'please go to sleep' he had been pacing the living room for the last half an hour rocking the child in the his arms in an attempt to get her to go to sleep, but to no avail. It didn't help matters that he'd had the day from hell at work; he was tired and had a headache forming behind his eyes. Nor did it help matters that his husband had conveniently locked himself down in the basement claiming the need to finish a potion that needed to be sent out the following morning, leaving Harry with his contrary daughter who was giving a new meaning to howling like a banshee.

'Please Selly' he said softly 'you go to sleep for Papa no worries, what does he do that I don't?'

The response was another piercing scream. Harry huffed out a breath and continued his pacing. A familiar twinge settled in his gut at the thought of his husband being able to so effortlessly put their daughter to sleep.

It seemed where parental abilities were concerned Severus was indeed the expert, funny how things changed Harry thought wryly as he rocked with a bit more fervour and began to hum a tune. He always thought that when it came to children it would be he who had the knack for dealing with them, he'd been more than a little shocked and perhaps a touch put out when it became evident he had very little skill in dealing with trials of raising a child.

The more Selina cried and wailed the more frayed Harry's nerves became and he could feel himself slipping, his heart raced, his ears rang from the high pitched sound emitting from his daughter. Footfalls on the stairs had Harry turning his head to see Severus coming up from the basement a look of concern on his face.

'Want me to try?' he asked softly coming to stand beside Harry and placing his hand on his shoulder

'Can't do any worse than me' he replied shortly, allowing his husband to take the sobbing bundle from his arms and place her on his shoulder.

'Now she stops' Harry said bitterly 'screams the house down for over 30 minutes so you'd think someone was being murdered and as soon as you take her she stops'

'She doesn't always settle for me either' Severus said in an attempt to reassure his husband.

'I'd like to see that' Harry quipped and exited the living room through the double doors that led out to a back porch. Tears pricked at his eyes and he roughly wiped them away. Refusing to allow the sickening feeling in his gut to consume him. He stared at the night sky for what seemed like hours, before moving back into the now empty living room.

He walked quietly up the stairs and came to a stop outside his daughter's room where he could hear Severus singing to her softly. Allowing himself to glance into the room, the sight should have filled him with love and happiness, made his heart swell to see such a beautiful sight; instead it filled him with anger and resentment. Turning on his heels, he went into the room he shared with Severus and packing a small bag, disappeared in a flash.

The hallway of Grimmauld place was in darkness, the frigid air settled its icy fingers around Harry and he gave small shiver. He dumped his bag at the foot of the staircase and walked down to the kitchen. It too was in darkness, Harry waved his wand and the sconces on the wall flickered to life. It had been a long time since the dark and musty home had housed any inhabitants.

Kreacher had gone to live at Hogwarts after the war over ten years ago now. Harry himself rarely came here anymore, the memories it held often to painful to endure, tonight though it seemed the house and its memories matched his mood.

He set the hob alight on the old stove and fished around in the cupboards for the tea bags. In the process he knocked the kettle from the bench, as he went to pick it up, bumped the tea canister and sent it crashing to the floor, loose tea leaves spreading like liquid over the floor. Making to get his wand from the table, he straightened and whacked his head on the open cupboard door above him.

'Sodding, fucking bastard' he howled, punching the offending door so hard it felt as though every bone in his hand had shattered. Something in him snapped and his felt his magic erupt as though it had lain dormant for many years. Glass, crockery and wood splintered, smashed and exploded around him, old copies of the Daily Prophet rained down around him like confetti.

His breathing was ragged and his vision clouded by the stream of tears falling from his eyes. He slid down the front of the lower cupboards and held his head in his hands great wracking sobs echoed around the kitchen and into the empty halls of the house.

Draco found Harry still slumped on the floor, head in his hands when he entered the kitchen of Grimmauld place. 'Been spring-cleaning?' the blonde asked by way of announcing his presence.

Harry looked up his red rimmed and his left hand swollen and bruised and considered Draco for a minute 'Something like that' he answered hoarsely. 'What are you doing here?'

'Came to see if you were all right' Draco said plainly 'and before you ask Uncle Sev, didn't send me, I dropped over to yours to borrow a book and he told me what'd happened. I deduced that this is where you would scamper to'

'Well now you can report back that you've found me and I'm fine' Harry said snidely

'Don't be a prick' Draco snapped 'Severus didn't send me I came here of my own accord'

'And now you can go' Harry bit out

'What and leave you to wallow in your own self pity when you should be at home with your husband and daughter' Draco countered

'A daughter who hates me and a husband who thinks I'm useless' Harry replied acerbically

'Grow up' Draco snarled 'Your daughter is 10 months old and wouldn't know the meaning of the word hate, and as for your husband he worships the ground you walk on'

'What the hell would you know' Harry raged, his stomach clenching painfully. 'You've got no idea what goes on'

'I know that you're jealous of a helpless baby and your husband' Draco said calmly 'I also know that it's tearing you apart trying to deny it.

'Fuck you' Harry raged, any further retort died on his tongue, he knew Draco was right, he knew the feeling in the depths of his soul was envy, envy that his daughter preferred her papa over him, that they had a bond he would never have, envious of her little face lit up when Severus entered the room.

Envious of the excitement in his husbands voice when Selly first pulled herself up to stand holding onto the coffee table, envious that he had been at work heavily involved in a case at the time and had missed it. Severus had offered to show him his memory of it, but it wasn't the same.

Envious of how easily Severus had made the decision to close his potions shop and start a mail order business from home, so he could be there for Selina and allow Harry to go back to the Ministry full time. Envious that something as simple as putting his daughter to sleep seemed beyond his capabilities, that the sense of failure only deepened, etched itself further beneath his skin and made its home. Draco was right and he was ashamed, so deeply and utterly ashamed of his actions of his thoughts and his words.

'I understand how you feel' Draco said gently, coming to stand closer to the spot where Harry was leaning against the cupboards.

'How could you possibly understand' Harry bit out fixing the blonde with a hard stare.

'Because I felt exactly the same way after we had Noah' Draco admitted

'I didn't know that' Harry said quietly

'It wasn't something I wanted to admit to' Draco replied

'What did you do?'

The former Slytherin held out his hand, after a moment Harry accepted the offer and let himself be pulled to his feet. In silence they walked up the stairs and into the drawing room. Sitting on the worn sofa, Draco crossed his feet at the ankles and watched as Harry took the armchair opposite tucking his legs beneath him.

'I spent most of my life as I imagine you did jealous of those who came from loving homes and tight knit families. I swore that if I ever had a family of my own they would always know that I loved them and they were wanted. I was in the middle of my training when Nev fell pregnant with Noah, not the most ideal time to start a family, but I was determined to make it work. Then just after he was born I was offered that job, Nev encouraged me to take it, and he had his business at home and could make it work. That first year of his life I missed out on so much or saw it after it had happened the first time. I would come home from work and he'd be asleep, then Nev and I would argue because I complained about not keeping him up a little bit longer so I could see him. If I picked him up he would cry and I would be wondering what I'd done wrong, Nev would take him and he'd settle in an instant, I wanted to punch something, to scream'

'I feel like that most of the time' Harry said quietly 'what changed?'

'Nothing for quite a while, it nearly tore Nev and me apart, he asked constantly what was wrong if he'd done something wrong. After a particularly bad day I found myself in a similar situation to you, Noah was fussy and I thought I would help Nev out by trying to get him down for his nap before Nev got home 'Draco confessed

'It was a mistake for me to even try, it had been a long day, I was out of sorts and no matter what I did Noah kept on crying. By the time Nev came home I was at the end of my tether. He could see I was struggling and offered to take him for me, within seconds he calmed and ten minutes later he was asleep on Nev's shoulder. Instead of being thankful for the help, I waited until Nev had put him down and proceeded to complain like a spoilt child who'd been denied a sweet about the unfairness and injustice I felt I'd been subjected to'

Harry could only nod in response, tears streaming down his face. Draco's words resonated painfully.

'It takes a lot to get Nev mad, but I managed it that night' Draco said guilty I thought he would hex me to another world he was so angry. When he suggested that perhaps I was jealous of him and Noah, I stormed out and spent the next three days at the office. I was coming back from visiting a client one afternoon and I saw a family walking along the alley, they had a son about Noah's age. I was envious of what I saw, they looked happy and content and here I was sulking in my office like a three year old. I realised Nev had been bang on, I was jealous of him and Noah, jealous that my small son preferred Nev to me, that they had something I didn't. I went back to the office, clocked off and went home. I bared my soul to my husband, told him everything he had said was true and I wanted to make it right'

Several minutes of silence ensued as Harry let everything he'd heard sink in. How Draco had felt was how he felt everyday. It had seemed easier to ignore it and pretend it wasn't there as opposed to admitting the reason behind his ire. Like Draco he didn't want to wake up one day and find Severus and his daughter had gone because of his actions.

'Is that why you resigned from the law firm?'

'Yep' Draco nodded 'I haven't looked back since'

'Do you still feel that way?' Harry ventured

'Sometimes' Draco admitted 'nothing like I used to, but on occasion I'll feel a twinge, then I remind myself of what I've got and how close I came to losing it all and the feeling ebbs'

'I never really wanted to go back to the ministry full time' Harry said quietly 'Sev seemed excited for me to return to work and I didn't know how to tell him otherwise, now I'm not sure I want to be there at all'

'What do you want to do?' Draco asked

'Quit the Aurors and take up my art again' Harry said honestly 'spend time with my family, build a relationship with my daughter, love and appreciate my husband'

'Seems like a solid plan to me' Draco gave him a small smile

'I didn't mean to be such a prat' he said sadly and the tears began to flow again.

'You're not a prat' Draco said kindly coming to Harry and pulling him into a hug 'you're human and have flaws like everyone else'

After the tears had dried, Draco demanded a stiff drink for all the emotional turmoil Harry had subjected him to. One drink turned into three or four more and before either of them knew it, it was the very early hours of the morning. Not wanting to wake their respective husbands and children, they dragged each other up the stairs and collapsed into bed. When the sun rose over the buildings outside, Harry had a plan in his mind and for the first time in a long time felt the crushing weight begin to melt away.

Kingsley Shacklebolt looked from the parchment on his desk to the man sitting in the chair across from him. 'Are you sure this is what you want to do?'

'Positive' Harry said without pause 'I should have done it ages ago if I'm honest'

'You'll be sorely missed' Kingsley said

'Thank you I will miss all of you too'

'Nothing I can say to change your mind?' the Minister said an element of hope in his voice

'Nope' Harry said with a grin

When he entered his home later that day, it was to find it in silence. Harry set the box of his belongings from his office on the hall table and walked into the living room. He was about to head down the stairs to the basement when a noise from the kitchen had him changing direction. Severus was sitting at the table eating a sandwich and reading a book. He looked up when Harry came into the room.

'Hello' Harry said his voice almost a whisper

'Hello' Severus replied 'are you alright?'

'I will be' Harry answered 'is Selly asleep?'

'No she's down in the basement making a potion' Severus said without missing a beat

'Never too early to start I suppose' Harry chuckled lightly

'She is asleep' Severus answered 'went down about 20 minutes ago'

'Can I talk to you for a minute?' Harry asked sitting down across from his husband and forcing himself to look into those obsidian orbs.

'Of course'

'I was a real prat last night and for that I am sorry' Harry began

'Yes you were' Severus said blandly as much as he loved the man across from him he wasn't about to excuse his behaviour whatever the reason.

'I was jealous' Harry stammered 'I was jealous of you and Selina and instead of addressing it I chose to ignore it and hoped it would go away'

'I see' Severus said quietly 'Is it something I did to make you feel this way?'

'Not directly' he said 'it was my own insecurities that caused this'

'What insecurities?' Severus asked

'About how everything came naturally to you, and for me I had to fight every step of the way'

'No one said parenting is easy Harry'

'In my eyes you made it look easy and I ballsed it up. I saw how she settled so easily for you after screaming the house down and it made me feel sick. I watched you rocking her to sleep and I felt angry and hurt that I couldn't do something as simple as put her to sleep and I was ashamed'

'Harry listen to me' Severus said moving his chair closer to his husband 'I do not have it as easy as you think I do, I don't always have the upper hand where our daughter is concerned, she can be contrite and down right stubborn when the occasion suits her. I have paced the living room floor and just about every other floor in this house in a sometimes-futile attempt at getting her to close her eyes. Last night was no easy feat; after you left I put her in her cot, she lasted 10 minutes before she woke crying. I tried every thing I could think of before I realised she had given herself a belly full of wind after all the howling she'd done. Once that was sorted, she settled no problems'

'I really am ashamed of myself' Harry said

'I imagine you are, but you certainly aren't the first person to feel envious, I am no stranger to it' Severus admitted 'I was wrought with jealously when you were pregnant with Selly'

'What do you mean?' Harry asked astounded

'You carried her inside you for 9 months Harry, felt every movement, every kick, while I could feel them to sometimes it wasn't quite the…

'Same thing' Harry finished for him 'That's how I felt when you offered to show me your memories of her standing, or smiling for the first time, it just didn't feel the same as it would if I'd been right there when it happened'

'How long have you felt like this?' Severus asked

'Since I went back to work full time' Harry replied 'It seemed as though I was always busy and had no time for anything else. I would see you with her and it would tear me apart that I didn't have that, I didn't want to believe I was jealous of my own daughter and husband'

'Neither did I, neither did Draco when it happened to him'

'You know about Draco?'

'Who do you think he came to when everything fell apart?'

'Same person I should have come to' Harry whispered

'Exactly' Severus smiled 'now what are we going to do about you feeling more secure?'

'I've already done something' Harry answered

'And that would be?' Severus asked quizzically

'I resigned from the Auror corps this morning, I am going to take up my art again, maybe do a course or two work my way up to commissions or something'

'If that's what you want to do then I will support you every step of the way'

'Really you're not mad I quit?' Harry questioned

'Not at all, in all honesty I am very glad you have quit, you weren't happy your heart wasn't in it anymore'

'No it wasn't' Harry admitted 'handing in my resignation to Kingsley was the easiest thing I've done for a long time. I know what I want Sev, and it's to be here with you and our daughter'

'Sounds good to me love' Severus smiled, pulling Harry onto his lap and giving him a soft kiss. It was turning into something more promising when a noise from upstairs halted any further thoughts.

'I'll go' Harry said and headed up the stairs to his daughters room. 'Hello my sweetheart' Harry crooned as he entered the room to see his daughter playing with her feet.

'Dad, dad' she babbled a delighted smiled breaking out when she saw Harry

'You are such a clever girl' Harry said as he lifted her out of the cot and held her to this chest, inhaling her scent. Little hands made a grab for his glasses as he laid her on the change table to see to her nappy. Severus stood in the doorway and watched with a relieved heart as his husband attended to their daughters needs.

As the years passed the twinges Draco had spoken of ebbed and flowed like the tide, it wasn't easy and it took some time, but as was also pointed out, Harry only had to remind himself of what he had and the feeling dissipated. When their second child was born 3 days after Selina's 3rd birthday and he watched him grow there were no twinges only love and appreciation.