Shoumei (Proof)

by Yui Miyamoto

(AU) Kyouya distances himself from the rest of the bunch only to have Tamaki track him down ten years later.

Fandom: Ouran High School Host Club / 桜蘭高校ホスト部
Title: Shoumei. (Proof.)
Pairing: Tamaki + Kyouya
Rating: PG-13
Description: (AU) Kyouya distances himself from the rest of the bunch only to have Tamaki track him down ten years later.

Disclaimer: Hatori Bisco owns Ouran, but I love the characters too much.

In the pure white fog, Tamaki's walking away without knowing that I'm right behind him.

Uncharacteristic of me, I call out, "Tamaki!"
He finally glances back listlessly, but even from far away, it's faint enough to hear, "I've got to get somewhere."

I huddle in a corner in agony, cowering at the horror of discovering my black wings are splotched with blood. In a helpless state, I stare at him with a broken voice.

I have no sense of what it all means….

He peers over his shoulder with a ruthlessly: You were the one who didn't need me first.
The statement violently pierces me in half from head to toe.

Gasping for air, I choke myself awake in bed. Blinking into the darkness, I hit my chest and jerk from side to side, gulping what little air I can breathe.

I don't even know what I should understand. Him in reality? My subconscious self? The guilt over my impassivity?

"Kyouya…" he whispers soothingly, leaning so close I feel his bangs on my skin, the heat pulsing from his palms to my cheeks. "…when will you ever believe me?"
He pushes loose strands away from my face, but I'm too exhausted to move.

I can't tell if he's real or not. I've had this nightmare too many times…

Against my better judgment, I reply back, "You used to be mine."
I feel the essence of myself squeeze out with every syllable.

Long ago, I knew myself. Or so I'd thought. Then you came along to destroy all that with your presence.
But I was wrong. No matter what I'll give, I won't ever win.

He quietly watches me that I almost reach out, convinced that it's just for me. Capricious as his wild ideas, I believed you and then you gave up while I pretended that it meant nothing.
I close my eyes.

When dawn pokes my eyes through the windows, from the cabin window, I see her give you a non-plussed response, but her lips slightly curl up with you melting at her acknowledgment to your little show. The closer you two become, I have no place to belong anymore. Unreasonable as it appears to my own head, like that nightmare, I'm probably the one at fault.

Always elusive, I wondered why I followed you. Why do I subjugate myself to this open display of disgrace for all to see? There's no mistake that I'm in the wrong, the stupid one who never questions anything aloud, lest I show a clue of my weakness.

And then I'll hear myself yelling in between our muted feud. You always have to be at an advantage, on the cliff of your own pedestal that I secretly adore.

I really did until you hurt me.
Not so much with words, but these little things, petty as they were, to needle me. I hate it, but it keeps the illusion alive, our connection in this tortured state.

For if I ever cry out for real, it is my loss. I lose everything and you won't care about it.

It's just the way with you.

*/*/*/*/*/

/"You used to be mine," I repeated from my dream.

Tight-lipped as I was, tiredness voices my pure thoughts aloud. Coughing, I hope no one heard.
They conveniently didn't.

From a distance on this lazy afternoon, our group was playing and teasing each other by the lake as I turned the page in my book. A few minutes later, I decided to lie down and put the book over my face, irked to move because I was too disturbed that my armor was tarnishing. Even if it was a dream, I let my guard down.

But I opened my eyes with the peeking light from the sides in a cloud of blurry darkness.

How long did I plan to continue this? Did I really expect I could push reality aside?

Before Haruhi arrived, you used to bother me a lot more. Open my world and then drop me. Of course you don't realize your kindness carves my sanity and my jealousy is the oni I pretend to never become.

I heard their laughter and tried to comfort myself that we were all together before the graduation timer ran out. The countdown seemed faster with every day passing between us.

A light wind lulled me to slumber once more and though my book fell with a thump on the floor, my body clicked to its off-switch. Strangely enough, there's shade anyway. I smirked at a heartwarming dream this time: Tamaki running his fingers through my bangs.

Where do you get your magic? Sentimentality only powders the heartache.

You wouldn't do that for me. Or at least, not anymore. The fissure in in my chest dug further, but I denied that it was even there.

"Kyouya, stay with me."

I woke up as the day erased into navy blue. Everyone's inside and there's a blanket over me./

Shoumei. (Proof.)
by Miyamoto Yui

Twelve years later…

"Why did I suddenly remember that?" I run my fingers through my hair as I shake my head.

It's probably because the sky is too beautiful to be true like that summer by the cabin…

"There's someone here to see you, Sir."
I nod my head and continued to look at the final designs, but pull on my crisscross-colored necktie as soon as my secretary leaves. Fingering one particularly lovely one, I smile a bit.

Yes, it follows its original's quite well.

"You look good, Owner."
That voice…

I calmly lift my head and maybe my eyes open a millimeter too wide, but that boy who embodied sunshine itself is now his own exquisite universe.
He grins at my reaction.

No, I refuse to be suckered again by your gravity.

"Tamaki."

"Kyouya~!"
And diving back into old patterns, he proceeds to hug me and ingratiates his body against mine, the cheek-to-cheek closeness that's almost too far for him. He stops but his arms linger over my shoulders.
I don't return the gesture nor do I move from my place, onlooker that I always am. Feeling his breath on my skin, I thought he'd cry and not for laughing's sake.

"I missed you. You did a good job hiding from me."

Pulling away, he slaps my back.
"Your turn!"
"What makes you think I don't know?" I adjust my glasses and fix the files on my desk, all seven hidden under the design sheets.

"I haven't been hiding from you. I've been here the whole time."

Let's be honest now. You have other distractions that push me from your thoughts. I should hope so after all these years.

He strolls over to the windows and peers down the busy sidewalk. He pushes his index finger on the cold glass surface.
"Why don't we go to that café over there for a bit?"
"You think I have time to idle around?" I scoff while penning some notes before he interrupted my morning.
"No, but make time." He turns to me with a gentle plead.
Dismissing it, I counter, "Aren't you busy? Especially at this time of the year?"
"I make time for breathing spaces." He walks towards me. "I haven't had that for a while though…"

I only carved mine when I broke away from you in order to save what was left of 'myself'.

"Sure." I commit flimsily.

Yeah, I'll play along. For now.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

Being one of the top cafes in the city, a human wall of people is already waiting half an hour before opening time. We walk to the end just as an employee eyes me. Stunned, the boy starts to approach us to breach the line when I cough so it'd force him to think twice. He's distressed on what to do when his manager icily scolds him to take over the hosting.
Standing in the heat, Tamaki takes out a towel and invades my space to wipe my forehead, face and neck. "I know it's popular, but maybe we should go somewhere else."
"No. You were looking forward to it, weren't you?"

The manager waits in awe as I clench my jaw when Tamaki finishes and gives a satisfied smile.
"Please follow me." The mustached, muscular host bows and gestures for us to follow him.
I lightly nod and we're ushered to a separate table in a room that doubles as an intimate conference room.
Only, this one has a grand piano situated in the middle with the perfect angle facing the street.

"Hmm?" Tamaki glances from side-to-side.
"I'm a long time customer," I smoothly reply as we sit.
The other tables are far from one another, each a corner with an interesting theme. Seated at 'Rose', I smirk as our waitress cheerly greets in a light pink crinoline dress, "Oh, Mr. Ootoya! You're early today. How are you?"
Piqued, my intrigued companion tilts his head as he pleasantly watches our interaction while being handed the elaborate menu. Already prepared with his order, he's even more amused that I don't even ask for what I want. The waitress already knows.
"Seems more like top patron to me," he snickers while tapping his chin with his index finger.
I unfold the napkin and place it onto my lap, but Tamaki looks at me without shame or discretion.
"Yes?" I place my hands on the table and he takes my hand, turning my wrist to examine the ring on my finger. "You didn't invite me."

He lets go just as I'm pulling my hand away.

Uncomfortably, music plays in between us as the waitress comes back with our tea. Tamaki pours it for me as a rock band plays a ballad on the speakers:

Looking from side to side,
I try to make sense of what is going on.
With my head in my hands,
what's the point of this distress?

I love you but you
never give me a glance.
I want to believe this will turn
from fantasy to reality,
but you become more and more distant.

Maybe I'll get it when I'm older and settled,
but for now, this is the issue
I can't overcome.

Why do people torture others like so?
Did I give my power away?
Are you asking me to love without being loved?

Empty and full makes no sense to me.

I've thought endlessly and
just want to sleep it off, but
you keep me alive.

You're keeping me alive.

I wish I knew your magic
and then maybe
I'd be able to get away.

By the end, Tamaki stirs my cup and samples a bit before handing the cup back to me. "I hope I remembered."
I deliberately drink it from the place his lips touched, but close my eyes and nod. "Your only talent in our club was to mix the drinks right."

Cozy from a few sips, I end up gulping the whole cup before the pastries are even served.

"Why were you looking for me anyway?"
Ting! The cup scrapes against the saucer.

"Of course I wanted to see how you were doing."
When he pours the tea again, he almost grabs my wrist, but I smoothly pull away. He stares at me gravely.

"Why did you-"
And that's when Tamaki pushes my sleeves halfway up my arm. He gasps and shoots me a panicked look.
"When…what? Why?"
I yank my arm back, fixing my sleeves. "I don't need to answer your questions."

The waitress brings our pastries and we eat without exchanging words. All the while, the hair on my back stands on end. I can feel his panther-like gaze peering into me.

/That morning, I got in early and just happened to be opening the windows when I looked down below at the fall leaves peppering the cream-colored walkways like a pretty canvas print. But from one end of campus, he ran after her as she quickened her steps.
Of course he caught up and as he took her hand, he kissed it. I couldn't hear them (thankful that the windows were thick), but she hit his back. I went about my business as if I'd never seen their exchange.

I knew it was only a matter of time that she too would give in. Everyone did.

Half an hour later, he found me.
"Why are you brooding around here?"
"Hmm?" I pushed my glasses up.
But instead of that idiotic grin, he put his hand over mine and slid behind me.
"What?" I backed away and deftly continued to do calculations inside the accounting notebook.
He grabbed my wrist and pulled my jaw, forcing to face him.

You always take and leave me nothing but the dust of your essence.

"Stop being mad at me already."
"You must've misread something. I'm not upset over anything." I flinched and pulled my jaw away. "Stop grabbing me, Sudoh."
Glaring at him didn't translate though. He gripped on even tighter.
"I'm not warning you again."
But he gave me a beautifully pained smile.

Was I the cause for such an expression? Surely not.

"I'm not-" I began, exasperated, but he blocked me and pinched my chin.
"You never smile at me anymore."

You're everything I don't want to be, Tamaki.

Smoothly, I stepped away and put my notebook down to calmly adjust my collar. Though I found myself shouting inside, I placated it from permeating to the surface of my skin. I shouldn't have kept up the charade because it was only a little more to endure until high school life dyed my memories.

Besides, I have to think beyond you. There's money to make that isn't my family's. Or defeating my father in his game. And evading my sister's affection in order to grow up.

Yes, I need to learn to stop using you as my drug, dependency to hit it up whenever I need my dopamine fix. To feel good in this mess.

Tamaki, as always, wouldn't stand for it. How he defied logic all together was a strength I never possessed even if we're equally stubborn.
He kissed me, proceeding to undo my buttons as I fell back onto the table from the impact. I pushed him away but he held onto my arms, pressing his lips to mine despite everything.

"Get away from me! Have you really gone crazy?!"
Holding my arms gently, he stepped back in defeat. "If it means to keep you, then yes."

Pure lunacy.

I simply blinked at him.

Don't put this one on me! Weren't you the one who broke it off first?

Becoming colder in split-second lapses, I swam deeper into my inner disorder./

"I let this go on for too long, didn't I?" He walks away and circles to the piano at the center. The fisher knowing how to deftly capture with a solid net, it is a low blow.

"Now, you feel like playing?"
I've been waiting but you forgot about me while you were flirting with Haruhi or whomever you needed for your family name to expand its business. The worst thing is that you naturally do it!

/Turning away after his confession, I crossed over to put the notebook into the locked desk with the map outlining where I would build my sweets area. Having created a new side business, I never let them know it was mine. That it represented my single line of happiness.

This is Tamaki to me.

Raising my head, I exited the door and left the Host Club corridor in dignified despondence./

Switching addictions, I delved into business ventures to push Tamaki away only to have him run after me anyway. And now here he's sitting down at the bench I cleaned once a week before going home.

The other customers begin to stir in his direction, commenting that they hadn't known about the impromptu performance. My staff wait for my cue, but I subtly wave them off.

Let him be.

He begins to play and I shut my heart so that I won't hear his feelings and let them storm in as they always have. Onwards, he continues to shave away at my icy exterior at snow cone speed. I'm melting farther, forcing myself to lose all feeling.

Stop...stop...all you do is take what's left of what I thought was me.

"It took so long because this song is only for you," he comments.
I hear it clearly. All conversation stopped the moment his fingers lovingly caressed the keys.

I apathetically take out a card and begin to sketch, much to my chagrin. He's still inspiring me.

And he continues to play until my ears bleed. How much I longed to hear you, but I needed to block it or else I'd always search for it.
Of course, nothing since then came close to satisfaction in my current reality.

Fingers dancing, my hands halt in mid-space, my drawing only half conceptualized. I run out of words to express my anguish as he squishes his feelings into my mouth until I cough up his sorrow, the memories he implies but never directly tells me.

You're trying to fill in all the spaces where you and I didn't meet…

Jumping from high to low, the melodic melancholy encircles my entire body until I'm stunned, taking away the very ability to breathe.

I quickly slip the card into my inner pocket and get up to walk over to him.
He looks up, the serious line on those lips with the strength of his straightforwardness peels and kills my heart right then and there. Even as I faintly see the tears interspersed with sweat, I could no longer look away.

'How could you leave me?' I'd wanted to say.
'Why didn't you trust me?' he'd throw back.

All in all, pressing aching fingers, where do our feelings really meet? Isn't this intensity just some teenage fantasy that will eventually subside with time?

Won't we erode anyway?

But to me, this is one of many eventual deaths on the way to adulthood. I shouldn't hope-

The notes fade away into soft quietude. His gasping interrupts the mesmerized hush. Unashamed, he begins to sob before me.

I hate how honest you are. I have no power to help that.

Out of the temporarily spell, customers clap loudly and he bows, pretending it's all planned. The staff lead us to my inner office in the café, the same one I leave from every night. But Tamaki does not ask why or how we are here.

When I pull him through the threshold with my back towards him, as soon as the door closes, he grabs my waist. Tamaki squeezes me, his forehead pushing onto my back for support.

"What do I have to do for you to choose me, Kyouya?"

This is the End Game, don't you see?

"Nothing." I smile wryly. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"Kira Bakery belongs to you, doesn't it?"
"I just manage-"
"Bullshit. What is this office then?"
"As I was saying, I manage this branch." I look up to the ceiling.

When did I start to lie so perfectly to you?

"Fine. But I want you to know that I buy from here often."
"I only came here because of Honey-sempai's sweets marathon." I chuckle at how we made a whole event for cake. They just didn't know it was sponsored by me.

He shakes his head and quivers. "Do you know I've often bought from this shop since high school?"
My head points to the ground and then at the hands holding onto me tightly. Squinting, I'm glad he can't see my expression.

"I bought them because they always made me smile, like a surge of energy just for me. Then, one day I asked to speak to the pâtissier and she said the owner was the one who approved them. She said that even he'd even come late at night as long as I had something new to offer. That's why the menu always changes."
"And…?"
"Yours. It's yours and you kept it from us. From me."
"Just another investment. So what of it, Tamaki?"
"Damn it, Kyouya…" He pulls away and forces me to face him. "…even now you won't admit it?"

I flash him an acidic look and his expression softens, shocked into silence.
Gritting my teeth, I will my tears not to drop as far as I can help it.

We watch one another. Appearing unmoved, I default to my usual, indifferent mode: Why are you wasting my time?

I've crushed firms without a blink of an eye and flatly threw out partners to the street who wanted more than a dalliance, but I've never seen hope physically disintegrate before my eyes. He can't look me in the eye any longer and concedes, simply kissing my cheek in disappointment.

"Au revoir."

Averting myself, I read the shipments for the new seasonal line-up for my seven (strategically placed) pastry shops. I emptily peruse the document, but I don't hear the door click at all.

/Tamaki blew into my ear.
"What?" I asked sharply, holding my ear in irritation.
But he gave me a naughty sideways glance and smirked while waving at me. "Ohayou, Kyouya."
"Che." I dismissed his flirtation.

It was too early in the morning, especially since I wasn't fully awake though I conducted myself placidly as always.

He proceeded to gingerly hugged my shoulders from behind and sweetly said, "Are you okay?"
"What do you want?" I pushed my glasses with my middle finger and gave a dismissive glimpse accompanied by a grimace.

Unexpectedly, he chose this moment to give me a low-toned, "Can't I be kind once in a while?"
A live wire on the loose, the jolt ran through my body. Only he could inspire such a reaction out of me.

He soon broke out in a wide playful grin that even I couldn't read.
"I want that." He pointed at a French pastry from the pamphlets lined up on the table in the middle of our club room.
"Hmm?"
"My mother used to buy me those."
"Any particular reason for that one?"
"I know I lived there, and I'm sure you already made a trip there too, but I can't tell you how much that meant to me. The first time I saw a pastry, it looked like a jewel with all its fruit on a crown of sweet flaky crust.
And I shared it with my mother. It isn't anything special, but whomever made it, I felt its power spread from their creation to me and Mother.

It sounds silly, but we were happy."

And for a second, I saw him become lost, looking around and landing his eyes on mine once more. His lips spread into a rare exquisiteness that I couldn't resist from melting. I knew without a doubt, in his innocence, he was genuinely smiling for me.

I had hoped it was because of me too…
…for that was the time I knew I could no longer deny what I purposely pushed away from my heart.

"Here. Read this carefully."
"What's this?"
"Your best picture angles, gestures and stories. I calculated that if you use modified versions of this set of, shall we say, 'selling points', we'd make a bigger profit during lunch sales compared to after school or even special functions."
Still holding me, he began to giggle into my ear as his whole body radiated a warmth that slowly enveloped me like freshly baked bread.
"You mean you've actually made these notes for everyone?"
"Of course. Who do you think I am?"
He studied for a moment, but I went back to jotting things down in our club notebook.

"You're the crux of this organization. You always need to be in the best light."
"But that means you'll be viewed a bit-."
"That's fine as long as we work together." I couldn't look him in the face as I made more penciled modifications.

Let them say what they want. In this time-limited circumstance, as long as it is us, I don't mind. I learned our freshman year what you brought to me in talent and integrity was worth more than gold.

Maybe…just maybe worth my soul too.

"Why do you always let me take the credit?"/

Well now, it's over. Officially, we've finally given up on one another.

Yet, I don't feel relieved at all.
Instead, my core's cracked into a thousand shards.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

It's been five days since then, but I'm not exactly sure. Everyday mixes together so it seems short to my broken soul and long to my confused mind. But I can count on my stoic face to see me through.
Like always, no one notices I'm committing mental suicide.

Rolling up my sleeves, I briefly glance at the light scars and shake my head to dust off those spiderweb thoughts, weaving to occupy an annoying space in my mind. I sigh and calmly breathe in.

This kitchen is where perfection lives in all its impurities.

I continue to mix the batter, taking the soft echoes of my movements as signs of breathing. This is one of the things that sprays solace in an otherwise headache-inducing lifestyle. Everything, after all, is business to me. Never mix personality with personnel and the colors can never come undone, erased, or thrown away.
They'll stain everything.

I distanced myself from you knowing I'd become greedier than I already was. And life as I knew it would cease to be amusing.

"If my staff saw me, they'd send me to the hospital to be checked by a professional," I ponder aloud and smirk.

Dipping a teaspoon for a wisp, I lick the batter. The sensation tickles my tongue and my mouth instantly widens. "Perfect."

Sitting in my seat as soon as I place it into a pan and into the oven, I take off my glasses and wince while pinching the top of my nose.

The designs in my head become blurry.

Each of these pastries that customers compliment daily are created from all the ingredients I asked a professional to use for each of the members. I try to dry and bake what I envision, but somehow Ruki-san understands what I want. She has ever since I've been in high school.
Haruhi's is a fairy cake in the shape of a rose with vanilla buttercream frosting. Honey-sempai's came from an olive oil-coconut layered cake with pineapple curd as well as Mori-sempai's brownie meringue cake with blueberries, matching their gentle yet hard natures. Kaoru and Hikaru's cakes are of course a chocolate cake layered with mochi appropriately named for Heaven and Hell.

And his…Tamaki's is a mix of raspberry and strawberries with a rare cheesecake. Simple yet explosive. Ruki made it bloom into something so beautiful that it practically became our staple product, especially its limited edition runs along the years. It's a yearly hit and has been number one on the national and international rankings for a quite a long time.
I take out and leaf through my master book with mechanical pencil sketches and pictures until Ruki enters the kitchen. She points at "Astronaut", the name of Tamaki's signature cake. I've been staring at this page for a few minutes that I'm surprised it's already midnight.

"I don't know why but everyone asks for this one," she tells me and I smile back.
"That's good."
"No, you don't understand. I've made many cakes for you, but when people taste this, they always walk out with smiles."
"Yes, that sounds about right," I reply back.
"Oh?"
"The inspiration is the sun, you see?"
She nods and says goodbye.

Since she's the last employee to leave for the evening, I'm left to my own usual devices. This time, however, I crumble. I rip my beloved book, the entropy of the inside finally makes its way to the scattered floor. And being one who is too tired to even conjure up tears, my blanche-faced self reflects back from the steel counter mirror.

This is what you are to me. You are that happiness I could never accept or ingest for myself.
That's why I hated being around you. You made me think I wanted more and when I finally accepted it, thinking it was okay to visualize a life beyond our positions, I was wrong.

The gorgeously packaged fantasy I deluded myself to believe in included you.
You were the single proponent in what stirred me to rise in the morning and go on the journey to school. It carried on until I made myself the best candidate for heir and dropped it. It even lingers on as I compete with my brothers and become independent of my sister.
Even now, long after our separation, I'm still fighting to keep myself alive.

Tamaki, I love you more than the blows my pride could ever take.

Rip! Riiiip~! Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiip! I continue to tear pages of my life and throw them to the ground. Dry-eyed and unfeeling, I see my miserable expression on the counter once more.

I knew exactly why I got irritated with you then. I thought, even in an illusion,

"Here you're the King and I'm the Shadow King.
I am Mother and you are Father.

In my dream, we belong together. I'll never say so though."

Glancing at the jagged pieces of paper in the room, our time has run out and set free. I have to let you go or else I'll never move on from here. I've used too many years on you already.

During graduation, I kept repeating to myself, "I need to slip out graciously and gracefully. Things can never stay the same, especially with you."

Kneeling on the ground, I pound my feelings into the tiles even as the sides of my hands become bruised.

Tears are useless in your realm.

I watch as colorful ink transforms into black and white sludge. These photographic memoires begin to break at my invisible high-pitched screaming.

Why must I continue this way? Monochrome absorbs into all my fingerprints, leaving traces everywhere. But you don't care how you've tossed me around. I'm sure it's all a game to you and I realize that I have to wake up.

Why did we start when it should have stopped?

Whispered closely to my ear, the ease of your words sliding into the canal. Is it innocence or seduction? I've always wondered over your motives, especially when I start to lose my breath.

Dreams bleeding into reality.
Only you remain intact inside my chest.

Your voice keeps haunting me: "What do I have to do for you to choose me, Kyouya?"

A sparkle in our lies…

/With dulce de leche buttercream and chiffon cake on the ground, Honey-sempai walked into the club room and started to clean up the cake. We watched him as he hastily swept everything. And then he slapped both of us.

"Why are you wasting all the effort everyone gave for your own selfishness?!"

I glanced at him, frustrated at myself for losing my cool and pushing Honey-sempai to this point, but Tamaki nodded his head easily. It was that expression I hated: That humility that took the impact even if it wasn't necessary.

Or rather, wasn't warranted.

At the sudden outburst, everyone trickled one by one to view the commotion. Their sunny demeanors all flipped over. More than concerned, anger and resentment flickered in the air. It really was true that parents affected their children's attitudes. We really were Mother and Father.

But why was I named 'Mother' in the first place? Why had I accepted it?

"Let's go find other sweets to eat," the twins commented in unison and looked at the other cakes on display.
Mori-sempai eyed us severely and Honey-sempai's back, and then grunted before going over to Honey-sempai.

With the tip of her pinky, Haruhi swiped a bit into her mouth and her expression alone said how delicious it was.

Of course, it was the prototype I'd made in his image after all. The one I'd personally baked, but put it among the entries to be used on our last day of being in the Host Club.

I knew I'd lost, but ignored the signs. I hated to give up.

Tamaki relentlessly stared at me from across the room. After all, I'd slapped his hand from stealing the very cake that encased all my feelings before we both smashed it to the ground…/

"I know what that flavor is."

Standing up and turning around, I find Tamaki picking off the floor strewn with a decade of notes, colored outlines, and photos. He then leans on the chocolate mint-colored counter across me with his arms and legs crossed. Usually, I would numb myself, but I'm enraged though my face conveys a slate of disinterest.
"Whatever you're selling, I don't want it." I take my pan out of the oven and place it between us to cool.

"Wow. No reaction whatsoever even though I snuck into his building."
But I'm not going to give into the ploy. "If I lose profit from you dawdling here, I'll have security escort you out, Suoh or not."
"Why are you so antagonistic towards me? Don't you know how long I've-"
"I don't give a damn."
"Kyouya!"

"Are you going to take this away from me too?" I glimpse at the unadorned round cake between us.
"Take what away?"
"Once, I gave you space to occupy my mind, but no longer. I've moved on from your stupid notions that-"
"That what?" Cupping his hand over my watch, my sleeves fall and he attempts to kiss the burn scars on my arm.
"You! When will you ever give up?!"

Pulling my arm away from the wildness emanating from his being, I snap. "Do you really think that we all could've lived out our lives as friends? That we'd all be together until we died?"
"Yes, I do. Why don't you?"
I start to walk away when he sighs loudly. "I never thought you were a coward!"

I don't care what you call me. It's all for your amusement anyway.

He sniffs, pointing directly at my new creation. "Without a doubt, I know that flavor is the new variation for 'Astronaut'!"
I mock his acute assessment. "You're so full of yourself, Suoh."

"I chased after this taste only to discover it had everything I liked. You don't want to know what I did to meet your pâtissier to give me a hint of why it was unlike any other flavor I'd ever experienced.

I'm telling you now that I came every single day for ten years without fail so I know! Whether you deny it or not, I know this flavor is completely yours!"

You're always astute at the times I don't want you to be…

Resigned, I solemnly look him in the eye to tell him the truth I've constantly avoided to face all these years. "This is the only one I know how to make."

This is the only image of you I have left so don't ruin me. Don't tear it away!

But it seems no matter how far I've run, I'm still the loser between the two of us…

"Stop using me as an excuse as to why this, whatever we have, is breaking down. I'm not some fragile glass candy holder that will break from the pressure. Give me some credit, Kyouya." He runs his fingers through his hair. "But you…you can pick from me whenever you feel like it because from the beginning, I freely gave you that privilege.

Why do you refuse to listen to me? I'll give you anything."

It's then I realize what I'm truly up against: I can't drag you down with me. You're meant to shine like you always have.
Try as I have, I don't have the confidence to keep you to myself.

Dangerously, my jealousy spilled and slowly consumed everything: Over your affection for Haruhi, the possibility you two could have what we couldn't, and that openness I took advantage of, the one trait I stopped short of even if we were equal rivals on every other front.

I take a step back. "Tamaki, I apologize for using you."

His eyes widen a little in alarm. I thought he stopped breathing for a second too.

"When I was younger, I never wanted to let my guard down. After all, everyone around me was in it for themselves. As kind as you were, that vein of doubt grew until I could no longer control myself, so I cut it off. I cut you off from myself.
But even then, I still saw you come. The security cameras of my shop showed you coming in every single day. I logged in whenever you visited so that you'd always receive a fresh batch. I made sure my staff had something spectacular to give you.

It was to thank you for playing your piano. For seeing through me.

But for the last several days, I realized I've got to take responsibility that I can't live up to the image that all of you have in your mind about me, especially you.
I never wanted to disappoint nor hurt you, but over and over, I did and still do.

I pretend to have everything in control, but I just manage myself and my life well. But there are times I can't keep up with everything. Even myself.

As you said right now, I can't keep taking it out on you. I can't use you as my…"
I can't finish my sentence.

I have no claim over you and you don't need to protect me anymore.

Before I could think to turn away, you run through the torn pieces. They fly away as you wrap your arms around me, stamping me to the wall and kissing me before I take my next breath.
Shaking my head, I push your shoulders, but the more you insist on your way. Holding my forearms, I wonder when you came to overpower me.

"Yes, you can. I can take it." You crush your hand over mine and place it over your heart. "We're weak apart, but together, we're indomitable.

Let yourself trust me. I've never once doubted you, even when you pushed yourself away. Do you know why?"
I shake my head.

"What starts out as a simple idea blossoms into a miracle inside your hands. Including me.

After what happened with my family, it was you who pointed out my true value. Not as a business commodity or the heir to this perceptualized status system, but as a human being.
You always know how to get the best out of me. You listened to all my complaints, whether I said them aloud or not. And you always gave me the accolades when it was you who cemented the plans.

Without you, I'd always think I was nothing.

That's why I let myself go whenever I'm with you. You accept all my dumb faults."

Other people see us as one thing and we see ourselves as another. Just how many people live inside this one body?
How many do we believe in and how many do we let die from our insecurity?

"That's why I'll never give you up. But I've let you wander long enough." He pulls on the apron and my blouse, licking my skin until I can't feel anything else but him.

"So give in already, Kyouya."

Maybe this is why we kept hanging on for one another. Back then, we couldn't voice what attracted us to one another. In any case, I have come to understand that's the mystery of meeting your other half before you're ready to accept 'yourself'.

As I look at him, whatever happens from here, I know there's no other way but forward.
"Fine."

Hours later, sitting on the floor against the wall, I embrace and observe him as he sleeps.
"Trust me," he mumbles.

I whisper into his ear, "Yes."

Thank you…
Leaning over to kiss his ear, he smiles as my bangs tickle his face.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

Three years later in some sound-proof manshon in Kichijouji…

"Because shamelessness isn't a problem,
I want to come closer to you.
You're my honey pie
And I need a bite.

Can't say it aloud,
Don't want to scare you off,
But obsessions make one hungry
And you're on the menu…"

Tamaki stops singing, biting his lip and dancing as he whips his latest creation in a steel bowl. Swinging his head, shoulders, and hips this way and that, there's an indescribable smile on his face that makes me my chest flutter no matter how long we've been together.
He doesn't notice I'm there, but I'm smirking all the same. And of course, he doesn't know that this subconscious flirting is one of the reasons why he drives me absolutely mad with jealousy, yet it's the same trait that makes him absolutely tantalizing.

Traces of sun run through the windows while he smoothly moves from one end of our kitchen to the next with finesse. He then takes the wooden spoon to his lips, licking it with the tip of his tongue. "Mmm. Needs a little more bitterness."

He sprinkles some cacao powder and laughs.

When he turns around as he's singing into the spoon after pouring the batter into a pan, he winks at me. "'Morning."

He makes me coffee as I sit down on a stool by the kitchen counter. When he's done, he sits in my lap and watches for my reaction.
"So how's it today?"
He nods to himself while answering his own question. "It's perfect, isn't it? Of course since it's made by moi~!"
One eyebrow raises through my sleepiness, but my bemusement gives my answer away.

You never change.

Tamaki fixes my tie and accidently hits my nose. I wince but he leans over and kisses it. He remains seriously watching the knot while unfazed about what he's done.

It's things like this that make me ponder what possessed me to ever separate from you.

When he finishes, I glimpse up, trying to cover my mouth, but he takes my glasses from my face, puts it on the table next to us, and touches my cheeks. In the blur, I see him grinning from ear to ear.
"What are you smirking at?"
My lips are sealed.

But he embraces me, touching the back of my head. "Kyouya...?"
"Yeah?" I hug him back, folding my hands on the small of his back.
"Thank you for existing. I wouldn't know what to do without you."
"What brings this up?"
He shakes his head.

"Honestly, living without you, I didn't know what to do either." I pull away, giving a grin.

He gives me an astonished expression. Unable to hide it, his whole face scorches like a furnace. Even his ears and neck are affected.

This blushing. It's mine. I own it.

"What?" He mumbles cutely.
Mr. Shameless is actually embarrassed as I continue to stare.

"Nothing."

This is proof enough for me.

Chomp.
Out of nowhere, he bites the tip of my nose.

I bursting out laughing so hard tears are dripping from my eyes. It's this spontaneous craziness that spurns me to torture-er, tease him.

But after watching me for a minute, he grabs my waist and lifts me up to the counter, hugging me again as I rest my chin on his shoulder. I smell nothing but confectionary sugar and fruit from his skin and shirt.
"Why'd you suddenly feel like making a penna cotta with pomegranates?"
"Don't you know?"
"Hmm…" I tap my lower lip. "Not a birthday. The closest is the Twins'. Not our anniversary either."

It's still too early for my brain to function. I only came out because I heard you singing.

"The first day we met."

I take a deep breath and pull back, bringing his hands to my face to cover my eyes.

Not my best self and I hated him then, but looking at his joyful self now, all I can do is smile and be grateful. Have I really mellowed out?
"Why weren't you intimidated?"

"We appear different, but I knew from the first time I saw you, we're reflections of one another."

From the intensity of your gaze, I know you mean it with all your heart.

"We breathe the same soul."

I reach out to pinch a piece between my fingers and taste it, trying to hide how moved I am. But as always, he's as candid as ever, taking my finger and sucking on it.

"Ah…"
"What?"
He blinks his eyes and I finally see the tears. "When I ate all those cakes, this was what I truly craved all these years."
"To me, I missed the sunshine all that time."
"Didn't you know that the sun lives off the strength of its core?"

Pressing his palms to my cheeks, that smile's power overwhelms me while touching forehead to forehead.

"I will always need you…
After all, I was always yours.

Who do you think started that whole thing about us being Mother and Father, anyway?"

My eyes close halfway as I feel the heat on my eyes when his tongue burns my mouth when he kisses me…

Years from now, don't get upset with me when I ask you how you were strong enough to believe we were meant to be.

As if reading my thoughts, he replies in between kisses, "The only reason I could play the piano again was because I wanted you to hear me. Then or now, I rarely play for anyone else.

If I do, you're the only one I'm thinking of."

Owari. / The End.
-
Author's note: It took me a while to decide if I wanted this in their current high school timeline or an alternate universe type where they did not end up staying in touch. It started out from cake, Tamaki, and Kyouya's inner dilemma. After all these years, it suddenly popped up when I was singing on the way to work and suddenly wrote in my notebook. It expanded to the point that I obsessed over it even on vacation.
Lately, my anxiety attacks came back. I don't know if I'm disappointed at myself, but I'm glad I don't scratch myself anymore. I pondered if Kyouya would go towards that extreme (being Tamaki's equal) because of his stoic nature. So this is the result of all happy highs and depressing lows.
Of course, I couldn't end it angsty because it's Ouran and in my mind, next to Syusuke in Tenipuri, Tamaki is the other flirt that never fails to make me snicker, giggle, and cute me out all at the same time.

Don't ask me why, but I'm such a diehard Kyouya and Tamaki fangirl, but honestly, I have never decided who I enjoyed as seme or uke because I like both in either role.
However, I wanted a more mature version of themselves with a deepening of their feelings, which still makes them giddy, frustrated, lovable, hopeful, and crazy for each other.

But while writing this, I truly wonder how I get through the tangles. I don't write in a linear fashion. I write whatever part comes to mind and then rearrange it so that it's all comprehensible into one flow.
When I was younger, it came in a sequence, but these days, as I said before in another fic, I write various scenarios and extract what I think will work best. I'm not quite sure which method works for me after all this time, but I hope, like the others, this fic will endure to connect to readers years later.

And Advanced Happy Birthday, Kyouya~! *luvs*
(Happy Thanksgiving too!)

From one heart to another, with love,
Yui

Los Angeles – 11/19/2022 10:07:03 PM
Tokyo – 11/20/2022 15:07:03 PM