Ok... there will be only one more chapter after this one. I did use the dialogue between El and Tia from the latest episode of OC but everything else I wrote. Hope everyone enjoys! Comments and reviews always welcome.
Speaking His Truth
Elliot's head was pounding. He already had the coffee going and some bread in the toaster. He heard Tia rustling in his bedroom. He had already folded the blanket from the couch and put it away.
She had slept in there… and he had slept on the couch. It wasn't wise to send her back to her hotel room so late at night, so drunk, no that wouldn't have been the right thing to do. So, he offered his bed, without him in it.
He remembered… some of last night. It was a little hazy. The feeling of nostalgia was strong, old times in Italy… catching up on more than just cases. Tia letting her feelings be… prevalent.
One part he did absolutely remember was how much Olivia's face had been in his mind. How he… said he was in love. It was the first real time he said it out loud.
You never forget the first time you say something like that and its real and from the place it has been buried for twenty-three years, no matter how much Grappa was involved.
He'd said it in so many ways before, so many bad ways, at the wrong times, to the wrong people… not loud enough… not clear enough.
But he had been afraid… afraid if he finally spoke his truth… it might not be her truth as well.
But there were things… things that lead him to believe it could be hers.
Showing up for him.
Showing up like she always had, no questions asked. Showing up at Wheatley's trial, showing up for Eli… showing up to work with him even after all the things that went down going under for the Albanians and the radio silence… again… then showing up to help take down the brotherhood.
He didn't deserve for her to show up for him… he wouldn't have blamed her. He kept his expectations of just how much she'd let him in low because he didn't deserve it.
But…
The way she'd let him still grab her bicep… the way she let him in her personal space like they hadn't missed ten years of it… the way she… she took his hand in the hallway of the task force… how comfortable she seemed in his apartment with his mother… the way she took his hand in his in the car looking for Eli… and how she looked at him. Unwavering… deep… how nervous and… unsettled in an adorable way, she had been when he asked her… as his friend… to come with her son to his place for Christmas.
God, how unbelievably beautiful she looked in that green dress on the street on Mother's Day. How her son who he hadn't met yet, already knew who he was.
He felt himself shiver a little at the thought of what all that could mean.
Even though he would never forget what he told Tia, he was kind of hoping maybe she would. Not that she was going to spread it around that he was in love with someone, but still… a confession like that… it still made him nervous that it was out there. The actual words… even if it was only just one person he said them to.
Yes, he did blurt I love you to Liv in front of his children, but everyone, including her, had basically pretended like it never happened. Yes, he did show up at her apartment, drugged and told her about the one line in that letter that was his, which basically told her the same thing… and again, they moved on from it like he hadn't just shared part of his heart with her.
And when she confronted him outside the courthouse about how he was treating her, he realized… he realized she couldn't see it. Or didn't want to. Not because… maybe she didn't feel the same, but because he was never clear. Never clear with her.
He had never clearly chosen her. Even though he had been choosing her since the day they met. She couldn't see it… or believe it.
He had told her she meant the world to him, and then told her to back off.
He had told her it wasn't her business as to what happened between him and Angela, when all she was trying to do was protect him and his children.
He had given her that damn letter that made her believe she meant nothing to him, but at the same time in a parallel universe it would always be her and him.
His emotional short comings had been giving her whiplash. He had really done nothing to prove to her how he really felt about her. Said nothing in the right time, and right moment, to her to show her.
As he was buttering his toast as this realization was coming to him, he saw Tia out of the corner of his eye walking out of his room.
"Good morning…" he said with a little smile.
She sauntered over to where he was. "You have any aspirin?" she asked, clearly just as hung over as he was. He smirked and moved to get out something for her head.
"I've got… Advil… and… coconut water…" he said handing her the two. "It's my mom's… it'll do the trick."
She took two pills and the water and tossed them in her mouth.
"You want any toast?" he asked knowing both probably needed something more than toast to help their stomachs, but it was all he had. He would have maybe made some eggs, but… he didn't want to lead her on more. Making breakfast for someone… a woman… a woman who slept in your bed, albeit without you, and had feelings for you was… well very personal.
Besides, he didn't have any anyways.
But she shook her head and hummed as she swallowed.
He moved to the coffee pot knowing she would want some.
"The couch ok?" she asked, and when he turned to look at her, she motioned to where he slept last night.
"The couch?" he asked, suddenly nervous. "Nah I sleep there all the time, it was fine." He said. "Coffee?" he asked as he began to pour her a cup.
"Espresso…" she said quickly, and then smiled remembering their conversation the first time he offered her coffee in his apartment. He mirrored her smile and set her cup down in front of her.
"There you go…" he said.
He moved to pick up the pretty much empty bottle off the counter. He huffed out looking at the very little bit of clear liquid still in the bottom.
"I've never had this much Grappa in my life." He said moving it to the recycling and setting his cup down in the spot next to hers.
"I'm Italian… and I'll never drink Grappa again… ever… that's how much I had." She said putting her hands up.
"Well, we were celebrating." Elliot said opening the fridge to grab some strawberry jam before moving to sit next to her.
"Yea, and we had a good time…" she said pausing, "I think…" she added and looked at him as he sat.
He could feel a little bit of something like… tension in the room. He knew she felt it too.
"You don't remember?" he asked, testing to see if maybe she really did forget what he confessed to.
"No, I do… I remember some things… the important parts… I guess… yea." She said eyeing him as he moved his toast and situated himself.
Uh oh… he thought. He opened the jam and kept his hands busy, so he had an excuse not to be looking at her. He knew she wasn't going to let this go.
"Except her name…" she said, stilling, keeping her eyes locked on his face. He quickly said in panic, "Who's name?"
Like he'd ever forget her name. Like he'd ever forget who he was in love with. Like he could ever forget her. He could feel Tia's eyes burning into him, begging him to look at her, so she could make for sure that what he said to her last night was real. He was really in love with someone else and it wouldn't be her. Wanting to solidify that truth just once more… just for her own sake.
He finally looked her way as he spread the jam on his toast. Her eyes said it all.
"You said… there's… a woman you're in love with." She said… her voice soft and a little hesitant. He wasn't sure if she was buying his performance of not remembering but the subtle way she slowed the last part of her words made him think maybe she was. Or maybe she was testing him… watching him as closely.
He broke her eye contact and set the knife down. He could feel the electricity that even the slight mention of Olivia sent through him. He looked back at her, and there for a moment… he saw it. He saw Tia hoping he'd tell her he was drunk… that there wasn't anyone really… not really… or that maybe she was the woman he was talking about.
And he couldn't do that. He couldn't say anything now. Now in the light of the morning, no Grappa… and Tia, who he could have had many things with now, sitting across from him with that look in her eyes.
He just couldn't… say anything. But he also couldn't not say anything. So, he went with covering up his feelings once more. He was good at it by now. Or at least sad enough that people would back off and not push him about it.
"I did?" he said, his voice short. He couldn't say more than that otherwise… otherwise it was all going to spill out of him. He was going to profess his love for Olivia to Tia for the second time but this time it would have been a damn breaking. It would have stormed its way out and spread over everything… taking out everything in its wake.
And he couldn't do that to Tia.
He broke the scrutinizing way she was looking at him. She knew. She saw the sadness there, beneath the exterior of what he was putting up. Feigning no memory was a thin veil and she saw through it.
He went back to his toast, trying in vain to keep it together, to not fall apart all over this woman who had helped him in so many ways. But she was still watching him, and he couldn't take another second of her seeing just how heavy this was weighing on him, of the torture of keeping this inside him and what it was doing to him.
So, he started to open his mouth to try to say something… anything, so she would stop looking at him like she was, but her demeanor changed, and her hand came across his forearm like it did last night, except this time, this time he felt compassion.
Like she understood. Like he didn't need to explain further, she understood. He was in love, and to ask him about details would be cruel. To push him to tell her who it was would crumble the foundation of him and she couldn't do that to him.
He sighed knowing she wasn't going to ask him anymore. And she seemed comfortable, or at least ok with this knowledge.
It was settled.
He was in love with someone else. She was happy for him.
"Love shouldn't be complicated…" she started, and he looked up at her meeting her eyes.
"Love affiars… yes…" she almost laughed, and it brought a small smile to his face. "They can get messy… but love…" she said pausing again to make sure he was really hearing her.
"That's different." She said. And she held his gaze. In that moment he really did feel something more for Tia. She saw him. She knew him… and knew enough to see where his heart was. Knew it had always been there and accepted that. No judgement, no desperate need to try to sway him, no hurt feelings. Just acceptance.
She looked down and then back up at him as if to make sure there wasn't one ounce left of the bit of sadness she felt that he wasn't for her was gone because she really did mean the next thing she said to him.
"I'm happy for you."
They spent one more second in this little moment of the two of them being honest and real with each other without many words before she flipped the switch back to being the coy, slightly seductive cop she had always been.
"I booked a fight by the way…" she said taking a sip of her coffee.
He watched her. He wanted to hug her and tell her thank you… tell her he was sorry and that she deserved to be happy too, but instead he just sat there knowing this would be some of their last moments together.
"No reason for me to stay… is there?" she finished and then looked up at him in the way she did… that coy smile curling the corner of her mouth up.
He felt a tingle in that moment to maybe actually say something to her… to acknowledge what they had in Italy was special… she was special, but his phone rang.
And just as quickly as he built the confidence to say it, he felt it wash away. So, he answered his phone instead.
It was a restricted number, which could mean anything.
"Detective Stabler…"
Tia sat back in her seat and leaned her head into her hand as she rested her elbow on his counter. She knew the moment was over… they were over. She'd always remember him, know he was a friend, but it was time to move on.
"Teddy Silas." He said and his whole demeanor changed.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
The next day or so was a blur. Booking Teddy… his conversation with Bell. The idea that the OC might be over… for real this time.
It was a lot.
He checked his watch. It was only a little after six and he was sitting in his apartment alone. All these events flashing through his mind.
He took a sip of the wine he had poured for himself. It was a dark red, bold and layered. With hints of currant and a smokiness he couldn't quite put his finger on. The aroma of it was intoxicating in itself, filling his nostrils before its taste could even touch his tongue. And even though it was a bold wine, there was a… lightness to it… an underlying softness… smooth and warm going down.
Tia's last words to him rang in his ears.
"Hey… whoever it is you're in love with… she's a lucky woman…"
He sighed and leaned back.
He couldn't keep doing this.
He couldn't keep being afraid anymore. If anything, Tia had helped him see that. He didn't want to live like this anymore. Especially since the task force was all but disbanded already.
He loved Bell. Loved her in a best friend, partner, she has my back, kind of way and it hurt to know she didn't tell him about this. It hurt that she felt like she couldn't… or maybe didn't want to.
And Jet… he felt like she was his kid. Looking out for her, and constantly being surprised by just how amazing she was really made it feel like she was one of his kids.
He couldn't imagine not seeing her or Bell every day. Doing this work with them. Just like how he thought he couldn't be a cop anymore without Liv by his side. Tia made him realize he could. And at first it was unnerving and weird, like he was betraying Liv even more by going back to the job he abandoned when he abandoned her.
But it opened an opportunity. He wasn't her partner now. They weren't in the same house. This was an opportunity. There wasn't anything anymore keeping them from each other… except themselves.
They were back in the same world, and the same continent… the same city.
Both single.
Nothing stopping them.
He got out his phone and opened his messages.
Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was the thought of losing another squad, or maybe it was the visit from Tia and the Grappa and the words they shared, but he was feeling bold.
It was time he was clear.
Clear with his feelings, clear with his intentions… clear with her.
No mixed messages, no whiplash.
Just truth.
His truth.
He opened the string of messages they had been exchanging as of late. They had been keeping in touch. A text here and there, a few phone calls. He had been at least vigilant about that and so had she. He didn't want radio silence between them even though work kept them both busy.
But it had been a minute since they had seen each other though.
He felt that ache that usually came with thinking about how long it had been since he'd seen her. And ache he knew well… one that use to be all but debilitating. But now that the option was there to see her, it was a little more subtle. Still though… it was an ache he should have done something about sooner.
He took another breath. No… he wasn't going to live in the past. He was going to live in the present and before he lost his newfound boldness he started typing.
Hey Liv… you busy?
He set his phone down and waited. It could a few minutes… it could be hours. He hoped he wasn't interrupting her on the job, but he knew if he was, she wouldn't ignore him for long.
But still… waiting when you are ready to jump… is hard. He got up and took a sip of wine and decided to fiddle around in his kitchen to keep his mind occupied and before he even made it to the sink to wash the few dishes left from the other morning with Tia, his phone buzzed.
He quickly opened the message.
Hey El… actually just getting out of work at a decent hour for once. What's up?
He felt himself smiling as he read the message. He could tell she was in a good mood. Normally if she was busy or bothered by something the texts were short. A few words. But when she was in a good mood, or tired of doing paperwork, they were longer.
He typed back his response.
Can I call you?
He waited, feeling a little nervousness bubble in his stomach. They had conversations recently over the phone, and it was always a little awkward at first, but before he knew it, they were right back where they use to be. But instead of it always being about a case, it was more personal. Asking each other how they were doing, and yes work would slip in there because they always worked better together than apart, but most of the time it was just checking in with each other.
None of those conversations yet had ended in what he was going to propose. Text seemed to be easier for her, but for him, he wanted to hear her voice. He could tell more about how she was feeling if he could hear her voice.
He watched as the little dots bubbled up and down and disappeared, then came back and disappeared again.
She was unsure.
Maybe even a little nervous. Her indecisiveness as to what to text him back with was starting to make him feel a tad on edge. He needed to get this started. He couldn't wait anymore now that he had decided this for himself.
It didn't need it to be everything, and it didn't need to be all said tonight, but he needed to start. He didn't want to wait anymore… he didn't want to keep sitting in his apartment alone, having a drink… alone… thinking about her. Not when he could be telling her… seeing her… being with her.
He waited… no little dancing dots anymore.
He felt a little panic… just a little, start to sneak itself unwittingly under his skin and then his phone buzzed.
Sorry… elevator. Give me a few minutes and I'll call.
He felt relief roll over his body. She hadn't been unsure, just in the elevator.
He grabbed his glass of wine and headed out into the garden to await her call. He needed a breath of fresh air to calm his nerves and he just… liked it out there. It was quiet. Still surrounded by other apartments, bricks and windows, but quiet.
He sat holding his phone in one hand as he took another sip of wine with the other.
Finally, his phone rang. It had only been a few minutes like she said, but it felt like hours. He let it ring three times, not wanting to seem too eager before he answered.
"Look at that… only quarter after six and you're out the door." He jested.
He heard her chuckle.
"Perks of being a Captain." She said.
The sound of her voice had already put him at ease.
"A well-earned perk." He said and he could feel her smile through the phone.
There was a moment of just them breathing and he could feel it. This… this thing between them was real. There was never any doubt in his mind how he felt about her, but in this little moment, he could feel it from her too.
And just as if on que, he heard her clear her throat. That had always been their thing. When it got heavy between them. When it might crack them wide open, one of them would change the subject… break the eye contact… clear their throat.
It used to kill him. To keep all of it hidden away. To have to say silently what neither of them could stand to speak out loud because it would crush them.
And the time in between when he first came back to now it was just as torturous. But now… now that he was ready to be open, ready to lift the weight, it was kind of adorable to know she was a little unnerved still.
"What about you? No crime to organize tonight?" she asked after another few seconds of just listening to each other breath.
He laughed at her little pun, and then felt the ache he felt earlier after talking… well kind of yelling at Bell.
He wanted to tell her about what was going on at work. He wanted to share his pain over losing this task force and his fear of where he might end up, but he didn't want her to think what he was going to ask her was about him. Because he needed her shoulder to cry on.
He had done that so much lately that it even made himself feel sick about it. One more thing to lay on her, make her absorb some of his pain so he didn't have to feel so much of it. He didn't want her to think this was the only reason he wanted to talk to her.
This was about them. This was about him finally stepping up, ready to be the man she deserves… if she wants him.
"No… no crime to organize tonight. All the mobsters must be taking the day off." He said.
She laughed at his comment, and then it was quiet again. He could feel her leaning into telling him to have a good night, and he couldn't let this phone call end any other way than how it should.
So he swallowed and said, "You have plans tonight?"
He knew he took her by surprise because she kind of stumbled over her words for a second.
"Uhh… um actually… no. Noah is at a dance convention this weekend, so… I'm an empty nester for tonight." She said.
That made the smile cross over his whole face. Not just because she was free and told him she was free, but because she said empty nester. His mind flashed to Tia saying lonely bird, and it warmed him that Liv picked those specific words. They had always been so in sync.
"You wanna grab a drink?" he asked.
EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO
He met her at a bar he didn't know, but she had been there before and promised there'd be something there he'd like.
He used to be just a beer guy. And even really not much of a drinker. But his move to Italy had opened his eyes to other things. He had become pickier about his coffee and his suits… and because of how alcohol was served with everything in Europe, his pallet had expanded.
He was excited when she told him yes to meeting him with very little hesitance. And then even more so when she actually showed up. Not that she'd leave him hanging, but she could have changed her mind and texted saying she got called back in.
But here they were.
He sat across from her at a table listening to her describe the latest case they were working on and how her new detective was doing. He played with the glass of Belgium beer in his hands that she had picked for him as he listened.
He couldn't keep his eyes from moving over her lips as she talked. Her hair had been up in a loose pony, her bangs over some of her face, but a few minutes ago she had pulled at the hair tie holding her beautiful chestnut hair and let it flow over her shoulders.
He gulped hard and clung to his glass to keep his hands from running his fingers through it.
They had talked about his kids, his mother… and Noah. He told her about the case they just broke, and the new info about Teddy and Pearl. And by the second glass of her wine, they had gotten to her work and new detective Muncy.
And he sat there, looking at the woman sitting across from him, who really… was the love of his life. He was enamored with her.
"Sorry if this is boring you El…" she said and placed her hand on his wrist. He realized he hadn't said anything in the last few minutes because he had just been so swept up in looking at her and the sound of her voice that he forgot to react to her words.
But her hand on his wrist and her voice calling him El sent a spark through his skin and buzzed in his mind.
He could count on one hand the amount of time she called him El and had touched him in a way that wasn't stopping him from attacking someone since he'd been back.
And now here she was, calling him El, and touching him while they sat at a bar and caught up. Not because his son was missing or might be booked for murder, or because a madman from prison was still trying to play the puppeteer.
It was because she wanted to.
Because she felt comfortable doing so.
He looked up into her eyes, and they were soft, her lips were pulled up into a lopsided smile.
"Not at all…" he said and smiled back at her. He held her gaze for a second, and he could feel it. Them… their complicated relationship and all the weight it held. He knew she felt it too, and when she finally broke the eye contact and began to pull her hand away, he knew this was his moment.
He quickly stopped her, placing his right palm over her hand on the table. When she didn't pull away, he pulled her hand into his and moved his glass to the side so he could take her hand in both of his.
She swallowed, not sure what was going on, but she was letting it happen. He could see things spiraling in her brain. She looked… nervous… and a little flustered at having her hand in his… and a little… panicked.
He left his apartment tonight not sure what he was going to say. There were so many things he wanted to… but he didn't need to say them all… not yet anyways, and he figured he'd just play it by ear. That the right words would come to him.
And in this moment, he knew what he wanted to say. The panic on her face told him he knew what he needed to say. He could say anything, and he knew she was worried he'd tell her something… bad… tell her… he met someone… or was transferring somewhere farther away… or worse… leaving her again… maybe for good this time.
He realized every time she saw him, she looked at him like it might be the last. He had left before with no word, and what was keeping him from doing it again? He needed to make sure she undoubtedly knew that would never happen. Ever again.
"Liv…" he said, trying to slow his heart rate, wanting to get this out and get it right. He noticed her lips parted slightly and her breathing picked up. It was the moment of truth, and she knew it.
"I'm not going anywhere… I could never…" he said, and he paused because he felt it. He felt the damn breaking and he didn't want to just unload all of this on her all at once because she was still Liv and still a flight risk and would have every right to run.
He shook his head, because she was looking at him like she still wasn't sure, and he could feel tears start to threaten his vision and being reminded of just how much he made her believe she wasn't worth sticking around for was cutting him deep. He could see it in her face, the doubt… like she wanted to believe it, but to be safe… she didn't… she wouldn't let herself.
He cleared his throat. "I'm not going anywhere Liv…" he reiterated.
"Ok…" she said and slowly pulled her hand from his.
He sighed and looked back into her eyes.
They were guarded. She had put the wall back up. Seconds ago, she was comfortable Liv… she was friendly… even flirty Liv, talking about cases and detectives and her son and touching him and now… she was closed.
He knew this would be hard. He knew it would take some time, but he didn't have any time left. He had wasted so much and that was all on him. He couldn't waste any more. And it killed him to watch her close herself back up right in front of him. He did that. He was responsible for her to need to do that.
She was clearly uncomfortable now, and if he didn't push her just a little, she'd make sure to never give him this opportunity again. Never to open herself up to the possibility of more pain.
He was going to let the damn break. Fuck it.
He opened his mouth and the only words he could say.
"Liv I love you…"
Her jaw dropped. Just like it had the first time he said it, but this time it was him and her. Just the two of them, and he was saying it to her. To her.
He saw the shock in her face, and then the flash of pain as she dropped her eyes down to her drink and placed her hands on the table.
She didn't believe him, just like she didn't believe him during the intervention. He almost didn't believe it himself. Not that he loved her but that it fell out of his mouth like it did. She thought he was being cruel to her now saying it again.
"I'm in love with you…" he added. She needed to know this was different than before. This was real, and true and him being the most honest with himself and her than he ever had.
She shook her head, and he could see the tears filling her eyes. She looked up at him and bit her bottom lip to keep it from quivering.
"I can't do this…" she whispered because it was all she could make her voice do, and she got up and threw some money down on the table and started to bolt to the door.
He felt his heart shattering into pieces. She was running.
And for a split second he felt the weight of them crush him and in the second after she disappeared out the door he felt like succumbing to the depths of his despair, but then he remembered.
She may still be Liv, and still be a flight risk, but… he could go after her.
She had run from him in their past and he couldn't do anything about it. He couldn't chase her, he couldn't go after her, he couldn't… choose her.
But now he could.
Now… he was.
He shot out of his seat and ran out the door of the bar after her.
"LIV!" he shouted as he turned to find her marching down the sidewalk almost a block away and she stopped, still facing away from him bringing her hand to her face and the other to her hip.
Her body language looked like she was defeated. As she started to turn to face him, he could see the tears she had finally let fall.
He barreled his way to her. On a mission to prove to her, he was here and going to stay and wanted her. Wanted only her. He was in love with her and had loved her all his life. He'd do whatever it took to prove that to her.
He was a few steps from her when he spoke again, "I'm not going anywhere…" he said clearer and more determined than he was before in the bar as he closed the distance, grabbing her arm and pulling her into him as his lips met hers for the very first time.
And it was everything.
It was searing and sensual and just… perfect. It was everything he'd ever imagined it would be to feel her lips with his, and yet nothing at all like he'd thought. It was better.
And she hadn't jerked or pulled away, she hadn't ripped her mouth from his and punched him in the face. She was letting him kiss her. She was letting him surround her and he took that as an opportunity to move his free hand up along her jaw and into her hair to gently hold her to him.
He could taste the salt on her skin from her tears and moved his thumb up over her cheekbone to wipe them away.
He felt her lean into him a little and then she slowly pulled herself back, breaking their contact.
He stood there holding her arm tight, rubbing his thumb along her bicep, his other hand still on her cheek and in her hair.
Her eyes were glassy… her breathing was just as erratic as his was as they both tried to catch their breaths.
He saw the heat in her eyes as well. She did feel the same way about him. He could feel it vibrating all over his body. And as they stood there, the world spinning around them, only the sounds of their breathing echoing in his ears, the only question was… would she let herself.
Would she let herself feel about him the way he felt about her.
There was no denying it now. He told her he loved her, was in love with her, and had kissed her to prove he meant what he said. Now it was up to her. She could feel about him the way he felt about her, she could love him… but would she let herself.
He was waiting. Waiting for her to say something… do something…
He desperately wanted to kiss her again. Every fiber in his being was screaming to pull her back into him and just bury his soul in her. But he needed to know if she would let him.
"Liv…" he scratched out.
She blinked and a tear slipped out and fell down her face as she backed up from him. He let his hands fall from her arm and face as she created space between them.
Her fingers moved up to her lips and she rested them there for a moment. Like she couldn't believe what had just happened. That her lips had actually touched his. That he had actually kissed her.
Her breathing was still heavy, and she finally broke their gaze and her hand slipped down over her heart as she shifted in front of him.
"I have to go…" she whispered.