Notes: Just a quick one-shot that popped into my head when I read a joke so here it is.
Timeline: AU/AR timeline. Harry's sixth year.
Location: Hogwarts
Harry Potter, under his trusted invisibility cloak, followed Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape. Of course, they had no idea that he was following them.
The evening was going from great to amazing as every second passed. Inviting Katie Bell to go to Slughorn's Christmas party with him was an inspired choice. She was all over him, completely enamored by his charm and it looked like he might be getting lucky later on. Dean and Ginny were having problems which were fun to watch. Seeing Hermione dodge McLaggen was entertaining. And Slughorn making Snape extremely uncomfortable was hilarious. The icing on the cake was Filch catching Malfoy trying to gate-crash the party and Snape having to rescue him.
As Snape pulled Draco into an abandoned classroom, Harry got extremely excited. He was finally going to see Snape lay a verbal smackdown on Malfoy.
He crouched down to the keyhole of the door but couldn't see anything. Fortunately, he could hear what they were saying through the keyhole.
"… cannot afford mistakes, Draco, because if you are expelled…"
"I didn't have anything to do with that…" Malfoy tried to explain through gritted teeth as if he was in a lot of pain.
"I hope you are telling the truth as you are already suspected of it," Snape said angrily. "Foolish and clumsy boy that you are. You could ha…"
"That's not what you said yesterday when you were..." Malfoy interrupted.
"Quiet!" Snape snarled. "I won't have my authority questioned. Last night…"
"My father…"
"Tell me, Draco, what will dear Lucius do?" Snape asked sarcastically.
There was a pause as Snape waited for Malfoy's answer. Harry pressed his ear closer to the keyhole, he wasn't sure what he was hearing.
"Nothing," Malfoy said quietly.
"Exactly," Snape said curtly.
Again, there was a pause again. Harry was about to step back thinking that the conversation was over when Snape said softly. "Come closer."
"No."
"Why?"
"I can't." Malfoy sounded as if he was in a lot of pain.
"What is wrong with you?" Snape asked.
Again, there was a pause for a good ten seconds before Malfoy said. "Professor, my butt hurts. Please help me." The strain in his voice was evident.
No way. What the actual fuck? Harry thought as he pressed his ear closer to the keyhole.
"Can I have a look?
"Yes."
Harry heard the unmistakable sound of the zipper being pulled.
"Where exactly does it hurt?"
"My ass. Around the entrance. Please, Professor, you have to help me."
"Well first off, I'd say your problem begins with calling it the entrance.…"
"Please help. My ass hurts"
"Take off your trousers, Draco, and put them next to my trousers on the chair. I'm going to give you a prostate exam." Snape said huskily. "With my penis."
"Wait… what?"
Harry Potter got up, took off his invisibility cloak, and started running back to Slughorn's party in shock.