Derek had always been weird with feelings. In fact, most of the time, he didn't even understand his feelings. And sometimes, his feelings about things were contradictory…such as his feelings for a certain keener step-sister of his.
He remembered when his dad and Nora had introduced all of them. The first thought he had when he saw Casey was "Holy shit how am I going to live under the same roof as this girl without getting a boner every time we sit down to dinner" and his second thought was "Holy shit how am I going to live under the same roof as this girl without permanently wearing ear plugs" and it sort of just continued from there.
Sure through the years, they had gotten closer (not that either of them would admit it to anyone else), but it wasn't until they had been alone in their kitchen, flipping through university catalogs and doing one of their usual bits that he had admitted to himself that he had feelings for her. He'd known for a while, it had been hard to ignore when his usual sexual fantasies about her had turned into fantasies that included the "after" part of them going at it. One day he had suddenly found himself thinking about what it would be like to introduce to people as his girlfriend, or what it would be like to see her in his hockey jersey. But he'd been able to ignore those thoughts and push them into a deep dark corner of his mind, until that stupid night in the kitchen. And now-
"Dodged a bullet this morning, huh?" Edwin asked, interrupting Derek's internal monologue.
"What?" Derek asked, glancing over at Edwin who was in the passenger seat. Casey had opted to ride home from the lodge with the rest of the family, and Edwin happily volunteered to ride with Derek.
"Uh duh…ya know with how Casey's not going to Queen's anymore?" Edwin asked.
"Oh, that. Right," Derek replied, his hands tightening on the steering wheel.
"What's up with you?" Edwin asked, sounding offended.
"Nothing. Had a weird night," Derek replied.
"What happened?" Edwin asked. Derek glanced over at Edwin's intrigued gaze and then looked back at the road. For a moment, he thought about telling him everything. Mostly because he had been internally screaming all morning. He couldn't believe she was really going to New York. Then again…he had told her to.
"Nothing. Hey, let's play the quiet game," Derek jabbed sarcastically.
"Roxy turn you down or something?" Edwin asked.
"Something like that," Derek replied, hoping his tone would get Edwin to stop asking questions. It did. The car was too quiet so Derek turned on the radio and blasted the volume up. Edwin said nothing and they continued that way for the rest of the drive.
…..
The rest of the day felt endless. As soon as they had gotten home, George and Nora sent everyone to unpack. Casey had claimed she wasn't feeling well immediately upon stepping foot in the house and stayed in her room for the remainder of the day. He kept replaying the events of the night before in his head and it was driving him insane.
Because they'd finally done what he had wanted to do for so long. And then he ruined it. The look of hurt on her face when he had told her to go to New York would be burned into his brain for the rest of his life. And sure…he'd hurt her feelings before. But nothing like this. This officially made him the worst person ever.
If anyone noticed how uncharacteristically quiet they were at dinner, no one said anything. He'd tried to bait her into some sort of argument a few times, but she hadn't even so much as looked at him. He got so desperate, he had even thrown a dinner roll at her at one point. She just asked to be excused and went upstairs. So when the last of the bedroom lights in the house had turned off, he found himself tip toeing across the hall and knocking on her door. She didn't answer so he opened the knob and stepped in, quickly and quietly closing it behind him.
He'd barely turned to face the room when she addressed him in a quiet but firm whisper.
"Get out, Derek,"
He saw the outline of her in bed and made no move to leave. Instead, he flipped the light switch on and she groaned.
"Again?" she hissed. He shrugged and she sat up, glaring at him. Neither of them said anything for what felt like a very long time. He cleared his throat and then turned and locked the door behind him. When he turned back to her, she was looking at him as though he'd just flashed her.
"What?" he asked.
"I don't know what you're thinking is gonna happen, but I assure you, a lock isn't necessary," she whisper yelled. He sighed and sat down on the edge of her bed.
"Der-ek, I said leave!" she snapped. He put a finger to her lips and her eyes widened with shock. It was only then that he realized how red rimmed and puffy they were. She'd been crying. And he knew it was because of him. It felt like an arrow to the chest- after all in recent years he'd become hell bent on not being the reason Casey was crying. He loved how blue her eyes were, seeing them sad sucked.
"Will you please just let me talk?" he asked. When she started to protest, he put his whole hand over her mouth and the anger in her eyes flared up. Now THAT was a look he was familiar and comfortable with.
She pried his hand from her mouth and leaned back against her headboard.
"Fine. Talk," she said.
"I'm sorry that I kind of…freaked out. Last night. After…" he said trailed off. She crossed her arms.
"You mean after we fucked?" she snapped quietly, quoting him. He simultaneously felt guilty for the way his words had bothered her and…extremely turned on but her using the word "fuck" in reference to them.
"Yeah. That," he replied. She rolled her eyes and motioned for him to continue.
"I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan any of that. Us sleeping together, telling you to go to New York…it wasn't like…I wasn't trying to be a dick," he said quietly.
"Oh well if you weren't trying to be one, I guess that makes it okay," she replied sarcastically.
"Casey, I am really trying here, okay?" he said, a little louder than he'd meant to. She jumped at the volume of his voice and her eyes widened. He didn't say anything for a minute and instinctively looked to the door, afraid someone would walk in. When he looked back at her, she was wearing a smile that he found both intimidating and relieving.
"Why so frazzled, Der?" she asked. He wanted to throw one of his usual witty comebacks at her but instead he took a deep breath and shut his eyes. She was leaving for a year. He couldn't let her leave thinking he didn't care.
"Look, I'm not playing some kind of game, right now, Case-" he started, but he was cut off by her suddenly lurching forward and kissing him with so much fervor that he almost fell off of the twin bed. At first he didn't kiss her back because he was so caught off guard, but once she didn't pull away, he couldn't help but respond eagerly, slipping his tongue into her mouth and wrapping her body up in his arms.
Kissing Casey was just as good as it had been the night before. He'd been wanting it for so long, so fucking long and even though he'd been with his share of girls, not one single one of them even came remotely close to her. But he couldn't let her know that. Not now. It took every single ounce of will power he had to pull back from their kiss and when he did, she instantly tried to reach for him again.
"We need to talk, Casey," he whispered, half convincingly.
"I don't want to talk," was all she said, and kissed him again. He, of course, knew better. This was Casey. Of course she wanted to talk.
"Casey," he said again, gently taking her wrists in his hands and placing them at her side. She frowned and turned a deep shade of red. Fuck, he hadn't meant to embarrass her.
"So you really do find me disgusting then?" she asked, and he assumed she'd meant to sound careless but she sounded hurt. He hated it.
"Yeah. Really disgusting. That's why I jumped your bones last night," he snorted. He'd meant to say something reassuring but he also didn't want her to know how he felt and- fuck. This was going to be harder than he thought.
"Why did you even come in here?" she asked, sounding as though she was about to cry. He felt his chest constrict. Why had he come in here? He wanted her to know that he meant everything he…hadn't actually said last night. But he also didn't want to tell her the truth which was that he'd hadn't been able to get her out of his head for a long ass time now and it was frankly exhausting.
"I just…I know last night was your first time and," she looked away, pink spreading across her cheeks. Instinctively, he reached out and tilted her chin back so she was looking at him. She stared back with her big, beautiful blue eyes and man, if she only knew what those eyes did to him.
"And?" she asked.
"And I'm sorry," he replied, half in a daze from looking so closely into those eyes.
"You're sorry?" she asked. He nodded. She shrank away from him, pulling her face out of reach.
"So you regret it then?" she asked.
"No!" he blurted and she looked at him, utterly confused. This was not going well. This was why he didn't do feelings.
When it became clear to her that he wasn't going to elaborate, she sighed and ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. He sympathized. He was frustrated with him too.
"Why did you tell me to go to New York?" she asked quietly, after the silence had become uncomfortable.
"Because I think you should go," he answered. Was that not clear? Wasn't she supposed to be the smart one?
"But why?" she asked. He looked up at her again. She'd pulled her knees to her chest and was curled into a little ball. She looked like she was in defense mode. Defending herself from him. So she was still the smart one afterall.
"Because…because I know you, okay? Better than you think I do. And I know that, while you are the biggest Keener in all of North America, you also don't like change. And the unknown scares you. And you're a really fucking good dancer. And I knew you'd be too scared to go so I figured I should tell you to go. I didn't think you'd listen to me but-" she leaned forward suddenly, causing him to recoil with surprise.
"So you don't want me to go?" she asked. She sounded eager and looked eager and it made his heart do that "ouch" thing yet again. Because while Derek had come to terms with how he felt about Casey a long time ago, it was evident to him that up until recently, she didn't feel the same. But he'd keyed her in and now he was pushing her away because he had to and- ugh. Fuck feelings.
He considered lying. He considered telling her that he wanted her to go so that he wouldn't have to see her around campus or so that he could date a bunch of sorority girls (all at once) and not have her there to pester him about it. But something about the way she was looking at him made him unable to lie so he simply sighed and shook his head.
"No. No, I don't want you to go…" he admitted. He felt one of her impossibly dainty soft hands reach out and take hold of one of his.
"But you have to. You're…so talented. You gotta do this…" he said. She had seemed to calm down a bit when he admitted he didn't want her to go. Now she just looked sad.
"You think I'm that good? I thought I was Klutzilla," she said, picking at a thread on her bed with the hand that wasn't holding his. He was still looking at their entangled hands and knew he should pull away, but just couldn't bring himself to. Because last night was all they would ever have and because he may never get to hold her hand again.
"Oh, don't get me wrong. You are definitely Klutzilla. Most of the time. But when you get on stage…for some reason your Klutzilla tendencies disappear. You're great," he said, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. If he was the kind of guy who used phrases like "his heart ached", the way she was looking at him in that moment definitely would have made his heart ache.
"I do love it…" she murmured, quietly. He realized he'd been rubbing his thumb over hers absentmindedly and slowly pulled his hands out of hers.
"Exactly. So…going is the right choice. And I'm sorry that I went about telling you the wrong way. And uh…yeah," he rushed out, then abruptly stood up and started for the door. It was too much. If he kept looking at her, kept touching her…he'd end up saying some very un-Derek like things and begging her to go to Queen's with him and he couldn't do that to either of them.
"Derek?" she called after him in a somber whisper. He froze…so close to being out the door, and stood there, in the door frame.
"Stay with me," she breathed. He knew he should close the door behind him and go back to his own room. He knew that they would be hundreds of miles apart soon and that they had no future and that it was a bad idea to stay. But he'd spent his whole life following bad ideas, so what was one more?
Wordlessly, he closed her bedroom door, and turned back to face her. She was biting her lip eagerly, anxiously awaiting his next move. He remained silent as they just paused in that moment, staring into one another's eyes, both wondering what the other was thinking. Derek slowly reached behind him and clicked the lock on her door.
"We shouldn't do this," he said, his voice cracking at the end. She shook her head.
"I know," she replied, but she was scooting closer to the edge of bed, toward him.
He flicked the light switch, causing the room to go dark. In his head it had been smooth, but for a moment, both of them were rendered blind by the sudden shift in light.
"Derek?" she hissed.
"What?" he asked.
"Are you going to come over here or…?" he rolled his eyes, glad she couldn't see. Always bossy.
"Can't see. Hold on," he whispered back. He took a tentative step forward, then another, then tripped over her rug and stumbled forward, smacking right into Casey, who had stood to attempt to guide him.
"Der-rek!" she hissed again, grabbing onto him for balance and sending them both toppling onto the floor. She landed on top of him and her head hit his chin and it hurt but he found himself laughing like an idiot.
"Shhh!" she shushed him and threw her hand over his mouth. He tried to hold in his laughter, but it only made him laugh harder and he thought to himself that he must be losing his mind. Nothing about this was funny. It only got harder to stop laughing when he heard Casey giggle softly next to him, before she too was laughing as hard as he was.
Casey calmed down first and tried to silence him by putting her hand back over his mouth and holding herself up over him. Her hair tickled his face and her scent made his mouth water. She smelled fruity and sexy and like HER. Derek licked his lips.
"Derek, we have to-" she started to scold him but he cut her off, tangling his fingers in her hair and pressing his lips to hers. She moaned softly and deepened the kiss almost instantly, moving herself to straddle him. She broke the kiss to kiss down his jaw and his neck, nipping at the same spot he'd marked her on. She continued down his chest, planting kisses there, down his stomach, to the waistline of his pajama pants. The lightness with which her lips brushed his body sent shivers down his spine in the best way.
She experimentally dragged her tongue along his waistband and Derek bucked his hips involuntarily. Casey giggled and Derek let out a weighty, strangled chuckle.
"You like that, Princess?" he asked teasingly, voice husky.
"Not as much as you do," she replied, in a voice that almost made him cum right then and there. He felt her slide her hand up his thigh and settle at the top of his pants. She started to pull them down slowly before there was a loud knock on the door.
"Casey?" Nora's voice called out softly. Both Casey and Derek froze, neither of them too scared to even move an inch.
"Yeah?" Casey called back, trying to sound casual.
"Were you…laughing just now?" Nora asked, confused.
"Oh! Yeah…I'm just um…watching a movie. A funny one. With headphones in!" Derek sighed, classic Rookie lying-to-the-parents mistake…too many details.
"Okay…well…try to keep it down, please," her mom said. Derek and Casey remained silent and still as they listened to Nora's footsteps go down the stairs. When the sound was gone, Derek was about to pull Casey into another kiss, when suddenly, she got up and stood above him, arms crossed. Eyes fully adjusted, and with the moonlight coming in from the window, Derek could see she looked nervous.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Seriously, Derek? My mom almost just walked in on us!" she whispered.
"No she didn't. The door's locked," he replied. She frowned.
"You know what I mean!" Derek sighed.
"Yeah, okay, I guess. But look, she didn't. It's fine," he said, trying to convince both of them.
"This is just…this is a lot right now. Maybe you should…" she trailed off. Derek knew she was asking him to leave. He chose to pretend he didn't.
"Maybe I should…get you back into this bed," he whispered. He put his hands on her hips and gently nudged her back toward her bed. She let herself fall back onto it and he crawled on top of her.
"Maybe I should…kiss you some more," he continued, leaning in and pressing a soft, lingering kiss to her lips.
"Maybe I should," he continued, moving his lips up to her ear, "spend all night, making you moan my name," he murmured, breath hot on her ear.
"Der-ek!" she gasped and sat up.
"Exactly. Like that, just louder. And happier," he smirked and sat up. But Casey wasn't smiling. She looked scared all over again.
"I'm tired. We should go to bed," she mumbled, avoiding eye contact with him. Derek felt stung. Which was not something he was used to feeling and it didn't quite sit well with him.
"Come on Space Case, only a couple more weeks of being able to have all of this," he said, hoping he sounded as confident as he usually did.
Casey let out what sounded like a cross between a miserable laugh and a whimper and still kept her eyes on the ground.
"Please get out," she said, voice barely above a whisper. Derek opened his mouth to argue, or make a joke, or beg her to let him stay in her room…but nothing came out. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how they'd gotten here from the original conversation or how he'd been in there for a long time and nothing had gotten resolved. So instead of saying anything, Derek turned and walked out in silence.
That night he cried for the first time in as long as he could remember. He never would have admitted it to anyone, but he did. He laid awake in his bed, in his own room, and cried. Because Nora had almost walked in. Nora. His step mom. Casey's mom. The woman carrying his father's child. Because whether they wanted to admit it or not, no one would understand if they got together. And so they could never have anything beyond random hookups in silence and secret. He cried because she deserved more than that. And he'd never be able to give it to her. Not that it mattered…they were about to be living in different countries. By the time he finally fell asleep, the sun was already started to rise and they were one day closer to New York.