Disclaimer: No, I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does. I haven't made a single cent off of it and I never will.

I got rid of all the mirrors in the squad two barracks when I became captain. Not just yours, that full length you kept in the corner of your office by the window, but all of them. Every single one. It wasn't cathartic. It didn't give me any relief, but it was a purge.

It wasn't because I found them superficial. It wasn't because squad members would waste their time in front of them, pruning their faces instead of their techniques. It wasn't even because they reminded me of you.

I just couldn't stand all the things I saw in them.

I doubt you would understand, Yoruichi. I don't think you've ever had a problem with who you were. Maybe with what people called you, maybe with how they treated you, maybe with your nobility and captaincy, but never with who you were.

But I'm not you.

After you left, all I saw was a broken girl. A worthless girl. I was a discarded servant, a guard too weak to do her job, to be trusted with her job. I was someone not even worth saying goodbye to. Something subhuman.

Sometimes, I would catch myself passing a mirror and wonder who was that husk glaring back at me. My hair was ragged and stringy. I didn't take care of myself. I just threw my body into training. Training everyday.

Suzumebachi would scold me, hiss at how I treated myself. She locked herself up. All those hours, nights you spent holding my hand, training me to hear her voice were wasted. I couldn't even use my shikai until I broke her. I broke myself.

I didn't particularly mind that. After all, I didn't really care what happened to me. What did it matter? I was already a tool that was trashed. Who would care if I broke? I just hated being reminded of that fact, that no one would. Because it wasn't like there was anyone left to care. Not you, not me, not my brothers or parents or the rest of the Stealth Corp who loathed how close you were to me. And in the end, even that closeness wasn't nearly enough.

But I guess somewhere deep in my mind, I thought that if I could become a captain, I could forget about you too. Maybe then I could finally look at those stupid pieces of glass and see someone, someone no one could deny was worth something. I'd be a captain, a cornerstone of the Gotei 13, indispensable.

I was so very wrong.

Because then, I didn't just see myself in the mirror, I saw you. I saw you in all the ways I wasn't you, would never be you, could never be you. I saw just how makeshift and cobbled together I was, like caulking stuffed into a gaping hole.

"Good enough."

Good enough to be squad two's captain. Good enough to be the leader of the Stealth Corp. Good enough to smooth over Shihouin Yoruichi's betrayal.

But never enough.

Not enough to be Soi Fon. Not enough to be anything except what you weren't.

I didn't measure up physically, never had your height or presence. My body was gangly and malproportioned, my skin was sick and pale. My eyes didn't inspire loyalty or joy like yours, just fear. My hair was plain. Maybe I was perfect for blending in, but how I wished to see you looking back at me in the mirror instead. I wanted to be someone, someone they loved and respected and admired, not this puny, angry woman that had clawed her way up through the ranks, screaming at rumors of favoritism and abandonment.

I even started paying attention to ridiculous things. Things that didn't matter, except in a mirror. Vain would have been me in a word if I had ever had the chance to hold a bit of pride in my appearance. Why did I care about my breasts and butt, things that only got in the way of combat. Why be insecure about them? Those were the worries of teenage girls, and I didn't have time to be an awkward adolescent. I had a division to run. I had to be an adult, despite the fact I had no idea how to be one.

But I was a child. No matter how much I tried not to be, that's what I was, a child left to fend for herself. And like any child, the more I tried to prove that I wasn't, the plainer it was that I hadn't grown up. I didn't give myself the time to before I cut myself to ribbons on honorable things like training and battle and each looking glass I broke.

So the scars that you trace in bed, asking the story behind each one, I loathed them. Who should care about them? I survived their wounds, I healed, and yet, every single one was a testament to my carelessness, my pride, my arrogance.

My pain, my fear, my inferiority.

I didn't have your flawless complexion. I wasn't skilled enough. I wasn't beautiful enough.

In the end, all I could see was inadequacy, so I got rid of them.

I ordered them gone, just for the chance to forget about you.

And of course, it didn't work. I could never forget about you…

How could I forget how you made me feel, how you believed in me, how much I wanted to be something more than I could ever offer you as a low-ranked noble and a bodyguard? But I tried, dammit.

You must have known that, right? That's why you threw me off Soukyoku Hill.

It makes me laugh, looking back at it…

Stop it! I know what it looked like from your perspective now, okay? But I'm glad we can talk about it now too…

I never thought we'd be able to do that, to be this close again.

Yeah, okay, closer.

…

You must be wondering why I'm spouting all of this nonsense now, right?

… I don't really know.

I think I'm telling you these things so maybe you understand how I feel, so you'll understand why I stiffen whenever you call me beautiful or hold me close. Maybe you'll understand why I don't believe you when you say my eyes are a shining silver or that my body fits perfectly in yours, why I turn away when you caress my skin.

I'm telling you so you understand how much I need you to keep saying those things, why I need you to keep whispering lies to me. Because sometimes I can't take it any more, and your words mean more than anything I could think of myself. Because you're my goddess, my idol, my everything, Yoruichi, and if you say it, maybe I can pretend for a small while that I'm someone worth being held in your arms and feeling like you love me, even when you have to leave in the morning, and I wake up alone. Even if it's just for a moment, I want to feel your body pressed against mine, your warmth.

Do you know how much I love this? How much I love you holding me this close? How much I love you? Because you're the only one that gets through to me, the only one I could ever say these things to.

I know I'm being childish. I know I'm being selfish. I don't want to share you, even though I know I alone could never satisfy you. But you make me feel like I can be a child again, that I can start over, that I can be better, and it's so hard letting go of that.

I know, I know. I'm being stupid. I just-

I love you too, Yoruichi.

A/N: Okay, I know I promised that I'd write something fluffier, but at least they're together in this one, right? (Boooo) Yeah, okay, I deserve that, but I wanted to get this off my chest. Justice for Soi Fon! Which means, for me at least, understanding her thought process. I can only imagine the kind of pain, the kind of inferiority, she must have felt in those 110 years between Turn Back the Pendulum and the Soul Society Arc. I wanted to give her a chance to explain herself. It starts small and spirals out into everything she's been holding onto, the kind of talk you meander into late at night when you're hurt and can't control yourself, even when they're really not the kind of topics you should be laying on your partner.

It really is a one-sided conversation, isn't it? Yoruichi doesn't have any dialogue, but I think at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. What matters is how Soi Fon is feeling, and more than that, that she's admitting how she's felt to Yoruichi, finally letting herself be vulnerable. It's complicated. She doesn't mean to guilt-trip her, but at the same time, it's not like she can unpack all those emotions cleanly. It's not healthy, but I think there is some comfort in the fact that she's letting herself speak and that Yoruichi is actually there for her this time.

Anyway, if you enjoyed reading this fic, leave a review, and I promise (for real this time) that I'll upload something happy (eventually).