Chapter 4: Break Time is Over
There were times over the next few weeks that Ahsoka really did regret that Nan and Greg were back, or at least that she'd let them help with the rebellion. Nan and Greg were not much good at the routine, humdrum exercises Ahsoka sent them on. What they lacked in discipline they made up for in attitude. It was hard to believe Greg had ever been in the military, what with his childish lack of focus and desire for everything to be fun. Ahsoka threatened to have them demoted to janitors, but she suspected they'd find some way to mess even that up or just malinger. She put them on routine surveillance until some other operatives told her they weren't getting any reports. Ahsoka flew to Nan and Greg's outpost and found them doing shots of cheap vodka and playing Who Would You Rather Do.
"Are you enjoying break time?" She asked. "Because it ended three hours ago!"
"Ahsoka, darling, join the debate," said Greg. "We're trying to figure out whom we would rather do, Emperor Palpatine or Jar Jar Binks."
"I'd go with the Emperor," said Nan, "because I suspect Gungan foreplay is just one big joke to anyone who isn't a Gungan."
"Yeah, but can you imagine if the Emperor's nether regions are as shriveled and withered as his face?" Said Greg. "I don't want that anywhere near me."
They looked at Ahsoka until she snapped, "The Emperor is an evil Sith, of course I'd choose to suffer through Jar Jar's nonsense!"
Nan and Greg wanted to kick ass, not watch stuff. Ahsoka felt like she was dealing with teenagers. Commander Ackbar, one of her most trusted soldiers, suggested that she kick them out every other day. This could be due to Nan's unfortunate nickname for him, The Sardine. At other times Ackbar told Ahsoka to do as Nan and Greg asked and send them to kick ass somewhere in the hopes that they wouldn't return. Ahsoka, however, had the beginnings of a plan, and it depended on the Empire not finding out that Nan and Greg were rebels.
For a while now, there had been talk of the Empire having a secret weapon. Actually, there was always such talk. The Empire fostered such talk to scare people away from joining the rebels. This time Ahsoka felt there was truth behind the rumors. After Hartwald betrayed them[1], Ahsoka had to act fast to change their communication codes, hideouts, and favorite routes before he set traps. She was not fast enough in one instance. One of their stations was attacked by a Sith wannabee. The Sith was barely trained and Ahsoka's intervention was not needed to take her down. The rebels captured the Sith apprentice and took her in for questioning, but she just ranted some kind of nonsense and then killed herself with a hidden poison capsule. Ahsoka, Nan, and Greg arrived too late to find her alive.
"Quite, quite mad," said Nan.
"When exactly does the Emperor find time to train all these kids in between ruling the Empire and scratching his ass?" Asked Greg.
Nan and Greg chuckled at the reminder of their old prank when they made droids repeat funny lies about people. Ahsoka searched the Sith apprentice's body. The rebels in charge of the questioning apologized for letting the Sith kill herself.
"It's no use now," said Ahsoka. "Play us the recording of what she said."
The rebels turned on the hologram. It showed the Sith apprentice, dribbling in an unpleasant manner and repeating the same things.
"The end is near, the end is here. Soon the glory of the Old Ones will be restored and power shall flow through the vanquished heart. The Force will burn, tearing down the fabric of the universe. Children will cry in the streets and then there will be silence. All this shall come to pass when the book is opened and time is ripped apart. The Old Ones will rise again! Speed it up! Speed it up! The end is near…"
"Oh my god," said Ahsoka.
"Cheerful stuff, that's for sure," said Greg.
"I've heard this before," said Ahsoka. "It was on one of the oldest Jedi holocrons. I listened to it in the temple when I was just a kid. Master Yoda told me it is a prophecy from long ago, from before there were Jedi or Sith."
"It sounds like your typical apocalypse claptrap," said Nan.
"It's not a joke," said Ahsoka. "The holocrons did not record nonsense. Most of them were destroyed so if this random Sith is repeating the prophecy, it must be time for it to come to pass."
"Can we speed this up to the part where we go home and get something to eat?" Asked Greg, already making light of the whole thing.
A few weeks went by with no sign of impending doom. Everything that Hartwald knew about the rebel's secrets was made obsolete, as far as Ahsoka could tell. Nan and Greg started a softball team. They also did research on Gary Harwald, though Ahsoka told them she was not out for revenge. Still, it couldn't hurt to get all the juicy details about his past. Nan found out that his mother was a distant relative of Padme Amidala. His parents were among the rich and famous on Naboo. His father owned a series of resorts throughout the universe called The Catalyst Resorts and Spa. Although Hartwald was officially dead, he kept in touch with his family, in particular with his sister, Martha. Palpatine had sensed that the Force was strong in him when he was a child and recommended he go off the grid to hone his powers.
Ahsoka fretted over the prophecy. Nan, as a woman of science, insisted it was all bullshit until she thought about it and realized that perhaps there were some clues to be found.
"Power shall flow through the vanquished heart," she said. "That already suggests Hartwald has something to do with it. But then there's the repetition of speed it up. That could be referring to The Catalyst Resort, which his father operates. Or it could all be horse dung!"
Ahsoka paused and tried to sense what the Force was telling her. Nan's observation felt right. Nan herself, now a Force-wielder, suddenly felt a chill and put down the shot glass she was about to lift to her lips. Greg looked at them and guessed intuitively that Hartwald was involved.
"So let's go find him and beat him shitless," he suggested.
"I don't think it will be that simple," said Ahsoka. "Nobody has seen or heard of Hartwald since he revealed himself to me. However, the rumors of the Empire's secret weapon do seem to converge around one point. They all suggest that the weapon is being developed by the scientists on planet Meyershand."
Nan chuckled in an annoying manner. Ahsoka glared at her, wondering if it was wise to ask what was so funny this time, but finally gave in and asked.
"You said Hartwald revealed himself to you. Is he well-hung?"
Greg snorted with laughter. Ahsoka sighed. She'd already said no to their questions about whether or not she'd been sleeping with Hartwald but that didn't stop them from implying it again and again and again.
"Guys, shut up," she said. "For weeks now you've been driving me up the wall but I finally have a task that I hope will be worthy of you. Nan, you have worked in a top secret science facility most of your life. You can pass any test they throw at you. I want you to go undercover to the Meyershand facility and find out the nature of this weapon. Greg, I want you to find Hartwald before he can use it."
Over the next few days, Nan and Greg suddenly lost the desire to drink, play cards, or make fun of Commander Ackbar's face. The tasks they were assigned turned out to be more difficult than they had imagined. Meyershand was not just any science facility. It topped S3F in confidentiality. Scientists who applied to work there had to go through a rigorous screening process and once they started working there, they could not leave until their project was either implemented or trashed. That could take years. Scientists who tried to leave were taken care of the Empire way. Finding Hartwald could also take time. Greg decided it would be best to get to Hartwald through his family and that meant making friends with affluent Empire-supporters. Clearly the rebels wouldn't be much help with that.
Nan did not want to admit it, but she was terrified of going to Meyershand. Firstly, she'd be separated from Greg and secondly, she felt evil oozing from the very name of the planet. She spent a few days coming up with a fake past for herself. She was going to be Nancy Neuman, widow and space explorer. She had been beyond the boundaries of the known galaxy with her husband for 20 years, studying animals on a distant planet, until her husband died and she decided to return and devote the rest of her life to high impact science. She applied for the job and got an interview after passing the online exam.
Nan and Greg's last day together was spent at a relay station. The rebellion was short on people and Ahsoka hoped and prayed that Nan and Greg would not mess up such a simple job. All they had to do was receive messages from one ship and send them to another ship. The relay was meant to confuse the Empire if they intercepted any messages. It was expendable. If the Empire received their message, it would only know the locations of one ship and the relay center but not the other ship. It was also really boring.
Greg didn't like being crammed into the small house on an asteroid. He tried everything to alleviate his boredom, but Nan was being very glum and didn't want to play games.
"Let's at least doctor some of these messages," he said. "I'm sure it will really brighten someone's day to hear that…let me see…"
He pointed at a message on the screen that said, "We've lost sight of the Empire's cargo ship," and suggested its contents be changed to, "We've lost sight of the Empire's butthole."
Nan cracked a smile and it was done. The message confused some people, but others figured "butthole" was a new code word for "cargo ship," since previous messages had been about a cargo ship. Greg received another message and asked Nan how they could make it "better." The message was from Commander Ackbar to a group of young cadets. He was going to meet them and train them soon and he included a map of where they were to find him (even though this defeated the point of the relay).
The original message read: "Dear cadets, it will be my pleasure to train you next week. It makes an old soldier proud to see so many dedicated young fellows wanting to return freedom to the galaxy. I am going to teach you how to fight on land and in the sea, so bring your scuba gear! Together, we will make the Emperor pay for all the damage he has caused. Best, Commander Ackbar."
Pleased with how they'd doctored the message, Nan and Greg sent it on. They also changed the map to something a tad more amusing. This particular message got intercepted by the Empire. Its contents were perused by perplexed hackers. They couldn't make head nor tail of it and sent it higher up. The message traveled up the ranks of Imperial officers, causing confusion and some repulsion in its wake until it actually reached the office of the Emperor. By then, Imperial agents were sure it was an extremely elaborate code.
"Read it aloud for me, Vader," said Palpatine.
"Dear cadets, it will be my pleasure to sodomize you next week," Vader started reading and paused. The Emperor nodded at him to continue. "It makes an old soldier horny to see so many pretty, rosy-cheeked boys dedicated to satisfying his carnal urges and restoring pleasure to his galaxy. I am going to teach you how to satisfy me on land and in the sea, so bring BDSM equipment of choice! Together, we will make the Emperor want to join in our orgy too! Best, Commander Fuckbar."
Vader held up the picture that went with the note. It was a photo of Kevin's ass that he had accidentally sent Greg as a going away present.
"This is complete nonsense," said Palpatine. "Punish everybody that thought this was a code. I will have those images in my mind for a long time."
"I wouldn't put it past the rebels to come up with a disgusting code like this," said Commander Tarkin, who was also present.
"So then what do you make of this?" Asked Vader, holding the ass photo with the tips of two fingers as if it was somehow dirty.
"Twi-lek ass," said Commander Tarkin with certainty.
"How do you know?" Asked Palpatine.
"I've been around."
Palpatine and Vader eyed him for a few seconds, then wondered about the message some more. Despite Tarkin's ideas, Vader did not believe the message was from the rebels.
"It feels like a silly prank," he said. "Do you remember how, during the Clone Wars, the droids were made to say ridiculous things about you, Dooku, and Anakin Skywalker?"
"Yes, I do recall the incident," said Palpatine. "There was a statement about General Grievous too and he was the one responsible. That whole situation was odd and not to my liking, but at least Dooku took care of it. Odd how someone as evil as Grievous turned out to be a traitor."
Vader recalled General Grievous while Palpatine recalled the unfortunate aftereffects of the droids' statements. For weeks he was forced to keep his hands on his desk lest people thought he was scratching his ass underneath it! It was a long, itchy time. Tarkin also remembered the droids' statements.
"As far as I'm concerned, not all those statements were false," he said. "The one about Dooku was spot on. During a formal dinner he gave at his house a while after he killed the first Grievous, Separatist reporters found some high quality Hutt porn in his bedroom. It created quite a scandal, even among the Hutts."
"How did Separatist reporters get into Dooku's bedroom?" Asked Palpatine.
"What makes you say it was high quality porn?" Asked Vader.
Again, Tarkin just enigmatically said, "I get around."
Nan and Greg had been disappointed before they died because they never found out if the Hutt porn they planted in Dooku's house was discovered. They were happy when they woke up to find out it had been and had caused Dooku a lot of trouble and several offers of "acquaintanceship" from Hutts that were into weird stuff. It also led led to numerous assassination attempts organized by Jabba, whose son was slow to develop and after learning of Dooku's "proclivities," Jabba decided Dooku must have abused and traumatized his child during the kidnapping at the beginning of the war.
After Commander Ackbar's outrage over the message died down and it was revealed to him that by sheer coincidence, the smut saved his and the cadets' lives, he felt a bit more sympathetic toward Nan and Greg. He didn't even object to a party. Nan did not drink, because she had to be sober for her interview, and Greg could down liters of beer to no ill effect by then. Still, he was kind of tipsy when he and Ahsoka followed Nan to the small spacecraft she would take to Meyershand.
"That was beer like we haven't had in a while," he said.
Ahsoka rattled through a list of Do's and Don'ts that Nan didn't listen to. Nan did not want to go very badly, desperately, because she felt that she was going to her death again, but she had no choice. She pressed her face against Greg's head and smothered a whimper in his mane.
"Grievous," she still called him by his old name sometimes, "don't do anything stupid while I'm gone and don't try to marry that rich girl. I can tell from her profile that she's not a self-deceiver like your ex. And try to find Saati and Beck, okay? And be nice to Ahsoka and even Commander Ackbar because I think he's going to fire a blaster at your ass soon."
"And you…," said Greg.
He seemed at a loss for words and Ahsoka snapped, "Just say you love each other already!"
"That's obvious," they said.
Greg sighed and added, "Try and stick to a diet, Nan. Those science places are bad for your health."
Footnote
[1] Is "betray" the right word if he was never on their side to begin with?