Chapter 4
I don't know how long I sat there but I realized that I couldn't sit there any longer. I stood up and walked to my car. I decided that I needed to go home and think. Right as I got to my car, I heard someone call my name. When I turned around, Chibs was walking across the parking lot towards me. "Hey, where you going?" He asked me.
I couldn't tell him the truth. "Hey. I'm suddenly not feeling to good." I told him. "I think I'm just gonna go home."
"You sure?" He asked me. I nodded. He leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Well, maybe you'll feel better tomorrow."
I gave him a half-smile. "Yeah maybe. I'll call you." I said, before getting in my car and heading home. I couldn't believe this. I'd let Gemma get in my head. Something that I never did. When I walked into my house I went straight to my freezer and grabbed the bottle of whiskey that I kept in there. I walked back into my living room and sat down on my couch and rolled a joint. As soon as a finished rolling it, I heard my front door open. There were only two people in this town that would just walk into my house… my brother and Lyla.
After I heard the front door close, I heard "Are you okay?" It was Lyla. She knew that I didn't normally miss a Saturday night party at the clubhouse so if I did, something was wrong.
I shrugged as she walked around my couch and plopped down beside me as I fired up the joint. "I don't know. I let Gemma get in my head after Jax showed up today." I told her.
I took a couple hits from the joint and then passed it to Lyla. "What happened there?" She asked me.
"Jax showed up this morning and told me that he and Tara broke up and then when he picked me up from jail this afternoon he confessed his love for me." I said.
"Wow. That's some heavy stuff."
She handed me the joint back. "Yeah. I don't know what happened when Jax got back to the clubhouse but when I got there, Gem met me out parking lot and put a lot of information in my head. Which I never do. Now she's got me doubting everything. I had to lie to Chibs about why I came home." I said.
"I kinda figured." Lyla said putting the joint out. "When he came back in, he saw me and said that something seemed off. He knew that I was the only one that knew about the two of you from the beginning so he knew that he could trust me."
Lyla and I both lit a cigarette. "I don't know what to do, Lyla. Gem's got me doubting everything that I know. I mean, you know that I've always had feelings for Jax… but it's like he didn't even give it a thought that I'd moved on and started seeing someone just because I haven't broadcasted it around the entire club. And then there's Chibs. He sent Fiona divorce papers and she signed them and in 30 days he's gonna be divorced." I told Lyla.
"Girl, the only thing I know to say is that you need to follow your heart… whether it means that you choose Jax or you choose Chibs." Lyla said.
"I know your right, it's just that right now my heart feels conflicted." I said. I poured myself a shot of whiskey and downed it. "That's not even the worst part. The worst part is that here lately every morning when I wake up there's been somebody different here." Lyla raised an eyebrow at me. "No and not in a slutty way either." I said. "I woke up one morning and Ope was here and then this morning Jax was here." The more that I talked it out, the more conflicted my heart felt. I needed to figure out a way to sort through all of the conflictions.
Lyla stayed for a while before she headed home. There was only one place where I did my best thinking… my dad's cabin. When Lyla left I decided to call my dad. I explained everything that happened… Chibs… Jax… even Gemma. He was the only person other than Ope that knew that the cabin was my thinking place. After talking to my dad, I packed a bag, locked up my house and headed to the cabin. I figured that a few days of solitude should help me be able to clear my head and heart.
The next morning when I woke up, I made some coffee and sat on the back deck. This had always been one of my favorite spots. Sitting on the back deck, I decided that I needed to start trying to sort through some of my feelings. I decided to start by sorting through my feelings for Jax. Ever since Jax had shown up and told me that he and Tara broke up, part of me was so happy. It was something that I had wished for since I was 15. I'd wanted nothing more than for Jax to realize his feelings for me and kick Tara to the curb. And then it finally happened… But only after I had found someone that made me happy. And Chibs did, he made me happy and I hoped that I made him happy. Chibs and I had come so far since that first day that we made-out. It wasn't a secret that Chibs and I hadn't been exclusive but something I hadn't told Chibs (or anyone else for that matter) was that I'd actually been the one to call things off with Kozik. I knew that he was primarily in Tacoma and that there was no way that he would remain faithful no matter what he would tell me. It didn't matter though, Chibs and I were already seeing each other when I'd decided to call things off with Kozik.
I thought about the weekend that I'd ended things with Kozik.
***Flashback***
8 months ago…
I'd called Kozik this morning and told him that I'd decided that we shouldn't see each other anymore. He seemed confused when I'd told him but I wasn't sure that I could tell him the real reason that I didn't want to see him anymore. The truth was, Chibs and I had been seeing each other kind of on the regular for almost 2 years now. Hell, the only reason that I'd even gone out with Kozik was because Ope had been pushing me to start seeing someone again. It had been 3 years since I'd dumped Hale. I'd dated… I just didn't tell anyone, except for maybe Lyla. Speaking of, she was the only one that knew that Chibs and I were even seeing each other. She was always good for an alibi when I needed one.
That night when I showed up to the clubhouse, Ope, Jax and Lyla were standing outside when I got there. I was wearing my black ruffled mini-skirt and with my burgundy strapless shirt. This also happened to be the rare occasion where I was actually wearing heels. It was something that none of the guys were used to… including my brother. When I walked over to them, I could hear some of the random guys whistling at me. "Hey guys." I said when I walked over.
"Your all dressed up." Ope said.
I glared at him. "You look nice." Jax said catching my attention.
I turned to him and smiled. "Thanks Jax." I said, then I turned to Lyla. "I need a drink." I told her and she smiled.
We walked inside and went straight to the bar. We ordered our drinks from Juice, the prospect. "So," Lyla said turning to me. "What's up? You never wear heels." She said.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Chibs standing nearby talking to Tig and Bobby. "I broke up with Kozik." I told her as Juice handed us our shots and our beers.
"Really? Any particular reason why?" She asked.
I glanced over at Chibs, before looking back at Lyla. I gave her my scheming grin. "Let's just say I'm keeping my options open." I said.
I hung out at the clubhouse for a little while before I decided to head home. When I pulled in my driveway, Chibs was sitting on my front porch. I walked up the steps to my front porch, I couldn't help but smile on the inside. "Hi." I said, barely above a whisper as I reached my front door.
"Hi, did you have fun tonight?" He asked me.