Isabel. Farlan.

They were always first. But the list of dead kept getting longer.

Dominique. Trish. Marc. Oliver. Yma. Ana. Franz. Abram.

The pain never dulled. The list never stopped growing.

Every expedition.

Levi played their last moments over and over in his head like a terrible children's story. Johan and Callen, riding with the squad. A Titan plucks them from their horses. Levi rappels up to save them, but the Titan squeezes them in its fists before tossing them into its mouth. Like it's juicing a lemon.

The end.

Levi had been close enough to catch a spray of blood on his cheek from one bloated Titan fist.

He'd killed the ugly motherfucker, of course, but upon extricating the two Scouts' bodies from its smoking corpse, the survivors hadn't even been able to tell who was who. Crushed beyond recognition.

Levi rode all the way back to Shiganshina with the blood still crusting on his face.

He deserved it, wearing the ghastly red like a badge of shame.

The return to headquarters was a blur. Levi led his horse to the stable, unsaddled and brushed her, and even allowed himself a moment to stroke her nose while she ate—a moment of peace and solace before the fresh deaths began to gnaw at him anew from the inside out.

He wandered out of the stables, aimless and dazed.

"Levi."

The deep voice cut through him like a knife. Levi stiffened.

Not now.

Despite having just returned from the expedition, Erwin's appearance was immaculate. He wasn't disheveled or blood-splattered like Levi. His clothes were clean, his hair perfectly coiffed. The only sign of untidiness was the spackle of mud on his boots.

Had he even used his gear? Had he just watched as his comrades were eaten, smashed?

Bastard.

"Levi, you're shaking."

No, he wasn't.

Was he?

"Come." Erwin's hand closed over the back of Levi's neck. Guiding him. Towing him, when Levi's numb body refused to move on its own.

"Your section took heavy casualties today, I hear."

The blood on Levi's cheek tingled.

"That's never easy. My condolences."

His voice was smooth. No emotion. No sympathy.

Levi's teeth snapped together. His legs stopped. His shoulders rippled, throwing the bastard's big hand off. "Don't want your shit apologies."

Erwin didn't look surprised. Or deterred. "I'm offering them anyway." He took hold of Levi again, this time around his upper arm. Levi shivered at how the bastard's huge hand engulfed his bicep with ease.

"Come. I've got tea in my quarters. Would you like some?"

No thanks, Levi wanted to retort. I was just on my way to do literally anything else. His brain hurt and his face was still bloody and he wasn't in the mood to be scrutinized, as Erwin always made him feel.

Even when Erwin kissed him, or fucked him, or jerked him off, there was always an intentionality to it, like he was taking stock of Levi's responses. And how does this make you feel?

Right now, he didn't want to feel anything.

But although he'd asked, Erwin didn't actually seem to be waiting for an answer. He strode back toward HQ, dragging Levi along by the arm.

Before he knew it, Erwin was lighting the lamps in his quarters and closing the door behind them.

Levi did not deign to sit. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall, watching Erwin busy himself with the tea kettle.

Nothing in the captain's actions gave away the fact that they'd returned from a devastating expedition with heavy casualties and no progress. There was no slump to his shoulders, no defeat in his eyes. No indication that he was screaming inside, as Levi was.

"Did you even lose a single man?" he hissed. Would you even care if you did?

Erwin looked at him. Calm. Serene. "Not today. We were fortunate."

Fortunate. Meanwhile, Levi had been unfortunate. Less skilled, less prepared, somehow. Did that mean Johan and Callen and the rest deserved to die?

His first expedition flashed in his mind. Isabel's severed head. Farlan's bloody, broken torso. And Erwin's smirk amidst the steaming Titan corpse. You're a sorry sight.

Levi's jaw set. Erwin hadn't even been in his wing during this expedition, but Levi was determined to blame him anyway.

Erwin straightened from the kettle and walked toward Levi. A damp cloth was in his hand.

Levi shrank back into the wall. Away from that cold face with its blank mask of benevolence. He'd almost prefer smugness.

"Let me." Erwin smoothed Levi's hair back from his face. His eyes were on the bloodstain.

Levi flinched away. Erwin's thick fingers were clean. Too clean.

"What's wrong?"

Everything, Levi wanted to say. I'm alive and they're not.

"You," he spat instead. He kept his eyes cast downward. "You're too…you don't…care."

"On the contrary. Every loss drives me forward." Erwin turned Levi's head to one side in a gesture more forceful than before. "You must learn to do the same."

Forward…to what, Levi wanted to say. "Why," was all he could manage. Flat. Toneless.

Something wet touched his face. For a moment, Levi thought it was Erwin's tongue—but the bastard was merely cleaning his bloody cheek. The damp cloth was startlingly warm.

"You are exceptional. Your talent far exceeds the rest of ours." Erwin tilted his head, focused on his task. "I have no doubt that you'll still be standing long after the rest of us have fallen. That's the burden you have to bear."

Levi's stomach squirmed. Despite Erwin's gentle touch, he felt…trapped under the captain's hands. Cornered.

"What's the point?"

The warm cloth left Levi's cheek and was replaced by Erwin's palm. "This is what we have chosen. Our lives, when we dedicated our hearts."

Levi's own heart hammered against his ribs. "I didn't choose this." His head throbbed, as if remembering being slammed into the mud, hands chained behind him.

"You choose it every day by continuing to be here. You must understand, I'm immeasurably grateful."

Levi's face grew hot. "It's not…I'm not…" He wanted to claim he wasn't there for Erwin, that the captain wasn't the reason he stayed—it would be a lie, but he still wanted to say it.

"Shh." Erwin was even closer to him now. Their foreheads brushed. "Take your mind off it. Remember, you cannot dwell on things past. Things you cannot change."

With him so close, it was hard to think about anything. Levi was sure that was by design.

"How do you…" he turned his head, whispering into Erwin's palm. "How can you…do…that?"

Erwin's grip tightened. "Look around you, Levi." His voice had hardened. "We cannot be any other way."

Levi chanced a glance up at him. His blue eyes burned.

The tea kettle began to whistle.

Levi flinched.

Erwin's thumb stroked against his cheekbone once before he stepped away, back toward the piping kettle.

Levi slumped against the wall. The place where Erwin had cleaned his cheek was cold. The damp weighed on his skin like a brand.

Erwin poured two cups of steaming water. He stirred the tea leaves with the same focus and intensity as when he stirred Levi's passions.

"What do you see," Levi heard himself ask. "Out there."

Erwin paused. He turned his head to the side, glancing back at Levi. "The same thing I hope everyone sees. Hope. Opportunity."

If you say that damned word…

"Freedom."

Levi groaned. Quietly, but he didn't care if Erwin heard.

Erwin set his spoon on the table and turned to Levi. His brows were drawn into a sharp expression.

"Levi."

He wanted to say so many things. S'not worth it. All those lives. For what? A quick jaunt outside. Maybe a picnic. A night camping, if we're lucky.

But nothing came out of his mouth.

Erwin walked back toward him. His steps were slow, measured. Calculated.

"Do you regret coming here? Joining the Scouts?"

Levi was silent.

Erwin didn't stop until he was toe to toe with Levi. "Joining me?"

He loomed over Levi. Blocking out light from the window, the lamps on the walls.

His eyes seemed to glow in the dim. "Levi?"

Levi sighed. He squeezed his eyes shut.

Fucking hell.

Erwin's breath teased against Levi's lips. "I am here. Until my dying breath, I will be here."

He could still feel warm blood splattering his face. Still hear the cries of his teammates.

With a desperate moan, Levi opened his mouth and let Erwin in.

Anything to block out the dead.

…

Levi slammed into Erwin's desk, barely turning his head in time to avoid his nose hitting with enough force to break.

He braced his hands, lifting his body from the wooden surface to give Erwin more room to loosen his pants and pull them down.

Across the desk, level with his eyes, the two teacups were growing cold.

A mortal sin, in any other instance. But right now, Levi needed to stop thinking at any cost. He needed his brains fucked out.

The tea could wait.

Erwin's large, clean hands pushed up his shirt. Caressed his bare back before encircling his waist, then moving to grasp his ass.

Levi canted his hips, presenting his asshole to Erwin. Put it in me already, you bastard.

So desperate, a voice in his head mocked. So needy. Pathetic.

He didn't care.

Erwin kneaded his asscheeks, coaxing a low moan from Levi's throat. Then he was easing them open, pushing Levi's legs apart so he could—

Something warm and wet brushed over Levi's entrance.

Levi stiffened. His head shot up from the desk. "What the f—"

"Down." Erwin's breath was warm against his cheeks, confirming exactly what Levi had felt against his asshole.

"You just—"

"Relax, Levi." Erwin's voice was low and hard. An order.

Levi rose further, propping himself up on his elbow. "You can't—you—that's—disgusting—"

Erwin's hand landed tight around the back of his head, pushing him none too gently back against the desk.

"You are going to stay there." His voice was calm yet tight. Verging on impatience. "You are not going to move. Not until I've finished with you. Is that clear?"

Levi cringed. The thought of where Erwin would put his tongue before he was finished with him—

"Is that. Clear."

Levi rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Erwin hummed his approval. Although he couldn't see his face, Levi could imagine the smug, satisfied smile on the bastard's face.

Then his hands were parting Levi's asscheeks, thumb brushing over the wet spot he'd already left.

Levi shivered in spite of himself. "Wh—what if I was just about to take a shit? What then—"

Cold air assaulted Levi's exposed asshole as Erwin blew on it. Levi's protest ended in an undignified squawk.

"How juvenile." Erwin's lips skimmed against Levi's ass. His breath ghosted over Levi's skin, getting closer and closer to his—

"What will it take for you to grow up, I wonder."

Levi flinched as Erwin's tongue touched his entrance once more. He was no more prepared this second time—his legs tensed, buttocks clenching in what was no doubt an interesting position for Erwin.

Nevertheless, Erwin persisted. His mouth lavished attention on Levi's ass with deft, deliberate movements.

These were no quick, shallow passes, either. With every lick, Erwin's tongue nudged inside him. The intrusions were warmer and wetter than the ones he was used to. Levi squirmed under the alien sensation.

It wasn't…altogether unpleasant.

He relished the burn, Erwin's thick tongue stretching the ring of muscle with every motion.

A familiar, awful heat began to flicker in Levi's core. A low, guttural moan hissed out from between his clenched teeth. "Fuck—"

Erwin's hands encircled his waist, pulling his hips further upward. Levi's breathing quickened. A sheen of sweat broke on his brow.

The bastard wasn't giving him exactly what he'd anticipated, but every lick scraped out more of Levi's raging, screaming thoughts, emptying his head of the cocktail of brewing thunderstorms, which threatened to destroy him if he dared think for a second longer.

Then Erwin made a circling motion with his tongue that had Levi's eyes bugging out of his head. A cry choked in his throat, his legs shaking beneath him.

One hand fumbled over the desk, trying to reach his dick, already starting to ache—

"Stop."

Levi jerked as Erwin's voice rumbled against his ass, warm breath washing over his sensitive skin.

"Don't touch yourself. You'll come through my efforts alone, or you won't come at all."

Levi couldn't suppress the whine that shook through him. He gritted his teeth, pressing his forehead into the desk.

His cock throbbed desperately for friction, for some kind of relief. But Levi had learned that there was no arguing with the person who held his climax in his hands—or in this case, on his tongue.

Erwin's tongue pushed further into Levi than he could have thought possible. Lewd noises flowed steadily from Levi's mouth as Erwin coaxed hot, sparking sensations from him, feeding the fire burning his stomach.

"Shit," he moaned. He leaned further over the desk as his legs trembled so badly he doubted they could hold him. "Hurry—ngh—the fuck—up, you—"

Levi's threat stuttered into an obscene gasp as Erwin's tongue disappeared and was replaced with two spit-slicked fingers.

Erwin sank both fingers in far deeper than his tongue could have reached, nearly burying them to the last knuckle. Levi hissed at the burn, his muscles struggling to stretch, to accommodate this newest intrusion.

He wasn't sure if this was a response to his demand—Hurry up? Very well—or if Erwin just wanted to see him squirm in another way.

The fingers withdrew, then slammed into him again with such expert aim that Levi saw stars.

"Shit," he breathed. "Shitshitshit—"

Erwin's fingers rammed into exactly the right place. Once, twice, three times—and the heat in Levi's core reached a breaking point.

He came in two heated, desperate pulses, without having touched himself once.

His vision blacked out and his breath heaved in deep, uneven gasps. He slumped against the desk, legs quaking between Erwin's fingertips.

Fuck.

Erwin's fingers fluttered playfully inside him before he withdrew them. His hand trailed around Levi's shaking hip to squeeze his spent cock. It was a gentle motion, but Levi still yelped.

Erwin chuckled, deep and throaty. His weight pressed against Levi's back, hands tracing the outline of his back, his shoulders, with a touch that made Levi shiver. The bastard's laughter didn't help, either.

"Our tea's gone cold."

His voice was close to Levi's ear. He'd draped his entire body over Levi's, still bent over the desk.

Levi scoffed. "Didn't—think you'd want it," he panted. "Not after you made a five-course meal of my ass."

Erwin laughed again, lips against Levi's temple. The hot breath on the side of his face brought back a sense memory of earlier that day—the Titan's mouth opening as Levi shot toward it, the shine of fear in his comrades' eyes as they were crushed—

Levi closed trembling eyelids. His cheek rested against the warm wood of the desk.

It had been a brief reprieve. Ten minutes. Maybe fifteen.

Erwin's fingers closed around Levi's wrists. He straightened, pulling Levi up with him.

Levi spun to face him, his pants pooling loose around his knees.

The captain's eyes were bright. If Levi looked closely, he could see a heightened flush in his cheeks, moisture on his lips.

His thumb stroked the skin under Levi's eye—the area that swelled red or purple if he didn't get enough sleep, which he never did.

"Better?"

Levi's heart still thudded in his chest. Pleasure swirled his stomach in the aftermath of his climax, which crooked his legs like Erwin's tongue was still between them.

And the dead still screamed in his ears.

Erwin raised his eyebrows.

Levi seized the lapels of his jacket and pulled the bastard down into another kiss.

More.

He shoved his tongue roughly past the captain's lips, catching teeth and tongue and spit in his quest to feel nothing.

Erwin's arms came around him, pulling him uncomfortably close. Trapping him. He kissed back, just as aggressive, turning the kiss into a contest. As if he knew this was what Levi needed.

More.

It would never be enough. But Levi would take what he could get.

Erwin hoisted Levi in his arms, hands tight around his bare legs, and carried him deeper into hell.