Suguha wiped the sweat off her brow, furrowing it in fierce concentration as she beat the shit out of her onii-chan. They may have been doing kendo, but Suguha didn't need her mask and armor to beat her recently hospitalized brother Kirito. What started as a small argument over who would do the dishes after dinner devolved into a rather one-sided slugfest with Suguha as the clear victor.

Kirito wiped the sweat off his nuts, continuing to jack off in fierce concentration as he beat the shit out of his dick. He might have been doing it to loli hentai, but Kirito didn't need to not be under arrest to beat his dick. What started as a slight uncomfortable urge when he saw his sister devolved into a truly pathetic sight with no one as the clear winner.

"Stop hiding your phone, Onii-chan! I know full well what you're doing!" Suguha screamed. "Fight me with your actual sword, not your 3-inch long butter-spilling knife!" She was an expert on driving masochistic men like Recon wild, using her magnificent bust and shapely thighs to seduce men and women alike.

"Stop hiding those milkers, Suguha! I know full well what's under there!" Kirito screamed. "Fight me unprotected, not without your 6 inch bosom uncovered!" He was an expert on observing the female body like Shirou Emiya observes swords, thinking with his dick and not his brain for nearly every situation.

The reason for Kirito's sudden interest in the female sex arose from a dating simulator he played prior to his hospitalization. The dating simulator was created by Kayaba Akihiko's digital copy, and it was a remaster of the genius's favorite game I Love You Colonel Sanders. After playing through the 600 hours Kayaba provided, Kirito became motivated to learn more about reproduction and the pleasure a KFC Chicken Sandwich Combo would bring to his wife Asuna. He ejaculated two years of semen and entered a coma.

The reason for Suguha's sudden interest in beating the shit out of her brother arose from a dating simulator he played prior to his hospitalization. The dating simulator was created by some retard who uploaded his brain to a computer, and it remastered a game made by FUCKING KFC. To her, this dumbass played it for 600 hours, and then became motivated to learn about sex solely because of A FUCKING CHICKEN SANDWICH. She tried the sandwich and it tasted like shit, jack in the box made a better one.

"Drown in your KFC and die, Onii-chan!" Suguha screamed. "You were in a coma for a month, and half of that time we couldn't even find you in your room because of how much semen there was in it! You almost got my Animusphere dirty!"

"Shut up, you Jack Off the Cocks fan!" Kirito screamed back, nursing his wounds by rubbing his Cowper's fluid over them. "I was perfectly willing to die right there! After reaching the true ending, my life has no meaning. I have no regrets, so can you please send me off to the next life?"

Suguha looked at him and nodded. She began to chant, and as she did, the house around them began to shake violently.

"I am the Bone of my Sword(Art Online)

Steel is my Body and Fire is my Blood.

I have created over a Thousand Blades,

Unknown to Death(Gun),

Nor known to Life.

Have withstood Pain to create many Weapons(Blacksmith girl from season 1 reference)

Yet those Hands will never hold Anything(Just like I will never get laid).

So, as I Pray(to Allah)- Unlimited Blade Works."

"Noooo! Stop it! You can't unleash this power!" Kirito hollered. Never before had he shown such strong emotions. Deep within his heart, he knew that he, as a harem protagonist, could never beat the power of eroge. His instincts screamed for him to never open a sex game other than SAO, for they knew that he and eroge main characters were like oil and water, with polygamous sex as the boundary between them.

Step 1. Rain

Step 2. Cover yourself in oil

Step 3. Oil floats on water

Step 4. Fly

Kirito realized this, and he began to fly towards the heavens as it began to rain. His cock pierced the roof of the house and the house collapsed in on itself and the area around the house, and where the house stood before was now a pile of rubble where the house used to be.

"Goodbye, cruel world. This experience has enlightened me, and I will seek the realm beyond realms. Colonel Sanders, I'm cumming for you." Kirito sang a mournful, yet tranquil song. Angels heralded his ascent to God, and Asuna (who arrived at Kirito's house to flex on Suguha's virginity) weeped for the husband she lost, yet she knew without a doubt that this would be better off for Kirito.

Suddenly, God took mercy on Asuna, and she ascended to the heavens as well. Jesus needed a bride after all. That's right, Kirito was Jesus all along. His initials spell K.K, which is no coincidence. Phonetically, the closest letter in the English language to K is C, and the physically closest letter location wise on a keyboard is J. Take those two letters and what you get is CJ. Arrange that backwards because SAO is a backwards show and what you get is JC. The initials for "Jesus Christ." Yes, this is real and it was under our noses this whole time. Unbelievable, I know.

This, however, meant that Suguha was Hong XiuQian, the brother of Jesus Christ. A blinding light enveloped her, and her soul glistened brightly. "Onii-chan! I'm going after you!"

Kirito was less enthused by this newfound information. "Dammit, Suguha! Don't come near me! Literally your only character traits are tsundere to me and lovey-dovey to me! You think you're worthy of being part of my harem? Your entire existence is pointless, the way you showed up in Alfheim cemented your character as 'another part of the damn harem', your knowledge on said game, which sucks majorly in being an enjoyable MMORPG, amounts to cheap exposition, and you had the nerve to bring Aincrad, where a majority of the combat relies on a lack of magic system and ground melee combat, to fucking Alfheim! Do you know how much damn PTSD I get when I open chests in purely white rooms in Alfheim? Guess where they would've been if goddamn Aincrad wasn't in the game! That's right! Not in Alfheim! Gee, thanks for making me relive my trauma from a literal life or death situation!"

"B-but I didn't put Aincrad into Alfheim. That was all Kayaba…" Suguha muttered.

Kirito retaliated. "Kayaba remade I Love You Colonel Sanders. He has done no wrong in my eyes." His eyes shone with respect and admiration for the man that trapped ten thousand people, him included, in a death game for two years.

This is what I keep telling people about that Bondrewd Guy. I mean sure he uses orphans as heat sinks for the curse of the abyss, but I mean he has a cool theme song and a funny looking mask. Also, he is a great dad to his children, because he makes sure they are safe from the outside world. None of the scary creatures in the abyss can hurt his children because they have the protection of their cartridge! And its not like he's some overprotective helicopter parent either. He even has an elevator in his home for his children to visit the 6th layer and learn more about the world around them. You know what they all say, nothing changes your life more than exploring the unknown, and Bondrewd makes sure his children never miss out on seeing the wonders of the world around them.

Honestly, I'm fed up with people saying that Bondrewd was wrong. He is just like Kiritsugu Emiya, one of my other favorite characters from any show ever. Both of them are willing to sacrifice the lives of a few to reach the end goal of saving the world. Bondrewd does not mean his children any harm, and we know this because he gives them the best life possible before ending it for the good of humanity. He knows each one of them personally, and he appreciates their sacrifice greatly. What more can he do to achieve his goals? He is doing groundbreaking research to propel humanity further into the depths of the abyss, and all the viewers do is paint him as some sort of orphan killing maniac. I'm honestly fed up with it all. Hit me up at (877) 547-7272 if you want to jump off a bridge, Bondrewd was the last thing I held dear to me in this world and stupid normie cringelord AOT and One Piece fans think he's a "bad guy." Such one dimensional world views are why I hate all people and wish they would die. Such a thing would be SUBARASHII DESU NE?

This briefly flashed through Kirito's mind as he ascended to heaven. He put some new clothes on and then took them off to celebrate the occasion.

During the commotion, the rest of Kirito's harem showed up to say their farewells.

Lisbeth yelled, "I actually dye my hair, Kirito! It's not a natural anime hair color! Also I have no meaningful personality, and the only reason why anyone would sympathize with me is because they fuck up situations as much as I do!"

Silica screamed at the top of her lungs, "I LOVED THAT COLONEL SANDERS GAME! IT WAS AMAZING! THE INTRICACIES OF THE WORLDBUILDING, THE WAY COLONEL SANDERS' SECRET BBQ SAUCE INTERTWINED WITH THE THEMES OF THE STORY, AND THE AMAZING ARTWORK KAYABA DREW ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AT 4AM IN THE MORNING WAS STUNNINGLY BOTH ABSTRACT AND REALISTIC! HE'S AN UNPARALLELED GENIUS!"

Sinon tried to snipe Asuna's head off.

A crowd of Laughing Coffin members bowed before Kirito, floating along with him. They displayed their bare chests in front of him and began to pray before their Lord and Savior.

"We devote our lives to our savior."

"We pledge our murders to our Lord."

"With an ass's jawbone, I have killed one hundred men."

Kirito, drunk on his own victory and blood, smirked at Suguha. "You see, this is the power of a gamer! After Chapter 16.5, my evolution to become a true chad began, though I needed several steps to reach perfection. After SAO, I reached Kayaba, and through several cryptic messages we passed through each other, he began development of the KFC dating sim. SAO 2 allowed me to connect with Laughing Coffin players so they could prostrate themselves in front of me this instant. I also made you addicted to Jack In the Box by giving you a gradually increasing serving of it each day in your meals, and I spiked my own food with aphrodisiacs to increase my horny levels. Then, Kayaba released the dating sim, and I hacked my own NerveGear to allow me to ejaculate large quantities of semen, forcing me to enter my coma. Finally, I made you extremely angry at my newfound horniness, allowing us to enter a situation where you would beat my body hard enough for my memories of Jesus to resurface. From there, my preparations were complete."

[Crossing Field instrumental starts playing]

Asuka said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Butt ass naked Saber said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Cookiezi said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Donald Trump said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Enderman Minecraft said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Freddy Fazbear said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Goku said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Harry Potter said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

IBM Watson said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Joker from Batman said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Kirei Kotomine said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Levi Ackerman said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Morbius said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Notch said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Optimus Prime said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Percy Jackson said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Quagmire said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Ronald McDonald said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Sosuke Bosuke said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Thomas the Tank Engine said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Undertale Sans said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Violet Evergarden Violet said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Winton Overwatch said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Xerneas pokemon said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"

Yorokobe Shonen

Zelda from the legend of zelda said Asuka said, "Congratulations Kirito, you did it!"