"I never thought my mother would outlive my father. I barely even knew the man and statistically, I shouldn't grieve someone I hardly knew. But Hotch, I can't help feeling this profound sadness." Reid said as Hotch handed him a cup of coffee. Well, it was more sugar than coffee, but Aaron Hotchner could never forget how Spencer Reid liked his coffee. It had been several years since the two men had met in person. Of course, they would call or send letters or even text one another on occasion. There was usually an event that would reignite their sporadic communication when Jack won his first science fair for example, but lately, these events were fewer and farther between. Although they didn't always keep up to date on the other's life, Reid still considered Aaron to be one of his closest friends and mentors. If anything, Aaron was more of a father than Spencer's real father ever was. Spencer couldn't help but wonder if that was why he showed up at the Hotchner home after he got the news of his father's passing.

Aaron smoothed his tie as he took a seat on the sofa opposite the one Spencer was seated at. He hadn't heard from Spencer much recently. In fact, the last time he had any kind of contact with him was when he sent Jack a leather-bound edition of C.S Lewis' The Screwtape Letters with a brief happy birthday note scribbled on a napkin and a check for $500 tucked inside the front cover. Aaron smiled to himself when Jack opened the book on his 16th birthday last year. It was just like Spencer to spend so much time pondering the most thoughtful gift imaginable but to completely forget about a birthday card until right before he needed to send the gift. It had been a few years since Jack had seen Spencer, and Aaron unconsciously kept most updates about Jack brief whenever he called Spencer. Aaron was never surprised by Spencer's uncanny ability to remember every single detail of their conversations, but he hadn't thought Spencer would have recalled when Aaron told him about how Jack took after his mother and had a natural talent and love for theatre, especially not when purchasing his son a birthday present. Nevertheless, it was a welcome surprise when Aaron answered a knock at his door earlier that evening to find a slightly rain-soaked Spencer Reid at his door.

"Reid! What are you doing here? Is everything alright?" Hotch answered the door, assessing the young man on his front porch. After staring for a moment, Hotch realized it had started to rain and Spencer's hair was starting to plaster itself to his forehead. "Why don't you come in? I'll put some coffee on for us. Jack is out with Jessica and Roy this evening, but he will be back later. I'm sure he will be happy to see you stopped by. Of course, if you are able to stay for a while."

Hotch shut the door behind him as he ushered Spencer in, taking his wet jacket and bag.

"Do you have a dry change of clothes? If not, I'm sure some of Jack's clothes should fit you just fine. He's gotten taller recently." Aaron questioned from the kitchen where he had started to brew a fresh pot of coffee.

"Thanks, Hotch." Spencer replied, "I had dry clothes in my bag, but I think the rain got to them." He continued as he pulled a damp outfit from his bag.

"Jack's room is just down the hall. He keeps some sweatshirts and joggers in the middle left drawer. Socks are on the top right. The bathroom is next to his room and towels are in the cupboard above the sink. Why don't you dry off and change while the coffee brews? I'll toss your wet clothes in the dryer so you have them for later."

"Thanks again Hotch, I appreciate it. Are you sure Jack won't mind me borrowing his clothes?"

Hotch chuckled softly, "That boy has so many clothes I'm not sure he would notice unless you pick something with his name on it." With Hotch's reassurance, Spencer wandered down the hall to change into something dry. It felt weird being welcomed without an interrogation into Aaron's home. Retirement from the Bureau had somehow relaxed the formerly overly rigid and serious man. Spencer was glad to see how returning to being a civilian had softened Aaron, he looked happier and Spencer was confident that he truly was.

Spencer wished he could say the same was true for him. Shortly after Rossi's retirement and Garcia leaving, Spencer's mother's condition started to worsen. Spencer decided to retire from the BAU and accept a full professorship at CalTech. There was a highly rated and reviewed facility specializing in schizophrenia nearby. On weekends, at least twice a month, Spencer was able to have his mother and a nurse come stay with him at his apartment. Even though it wasn't necessary, Spencer made sure to furnish his mother's room exactly how he remembered it being when he was a child. Initially, it was frustrating seeing how his mother had deteriorated while he was away. After a few months though, his mother started to improve significantly. Even her team at the facility was impressed with how well she was doing. In fact, they had begun discussing the possibility of having her stay with Spencer without a nurse there. Ordinarily, Spencer would have been ecstatic and jumped at the opportunity however, ever since he had left Quantico, there was a dangerous emptiness gnawing at the back of Spencer's mind. He started using again briefly but managed to seek help before it got out of hand. His doctor prescribed him antidepressants and Spencer knew they helped, but he often opted to skip them most days. Somehow, it was easier to feel nothing than it was to feel happy these days.

Even though he wasn't actively using, Spencer couldn't help but miss the comforts of his addiction. Of course, he knew it was an irrational feeling and it was just his addiction talking, but he would be lying if he said he never thought about one more, just big enough to go to sleep and not wake up the next morning, dose. The thought was usually in the back of his mind, and it never really worried him enough to tell anyone about it. But when the delivery driver had him sign for the letter from his father, something in him changed and that thought seemed to be the only one he could think of. Almost as if he were on autopilot, Spencer rescheduled his visit with his mom and found himself on the first plane back to Virginia and then the bus to Hotch's street. Even though the walk from the bus stop was almost a full mile, Spencer didn't notice, even when it had started to rain, that he made it to Hotch's door until he was being led inside and instructed to borrow some of Jack's clothes so Hotch could dry his.

Staring at his reflection in the mirror, Spencer realized how just how tired and worn out he looked. It had been a while since he had truly looked at his reflection, looking at least long enough to take in the state he was in. Spencer traced the sadness around his eyes in his reflection. He could always say he was tired from the flight and the walk from the bus if Hotch asked, but Spencer knew there was no way he could get away with that excuse. Suddenly remembering why he was in the bathroom, Spencer quickly grabbed a towel, aggressively tosseled his hair, and threw on the borrowed outfit. Wrapping his wet clothes in the used towel, Spencer finally exited the bathroom, worried Hotch would comment how he must have been in there long enough for the coffee to grow cold.

"Ah, good. The clothes fit you perfectly. Here let me take those. The coffee is almost ready, why don't you take a seat at one of the sofas over there." Hotch stated as he took the clothes and towel from Spencer, gesturing to the cozy family room behind them. Spencer shuffled over to the closest leather sofa as if his motions were completely on autopilot. He sat there staring at the pictures of Jack, Aaron, and Haley decorating the wall. Aaron looked so happy in the ones where it was the three of them, then the light in his eyes was gone for several where Jack was younger. In the most recent pictures, the charismatic twinkle had returned to Aaron's eyes, and Spencer was truly happy for him. With everything he had been through since Spencer had first met him, he was glad that light hadn't completely died. Spencer hadn't realized he had started to silently cry until Aaron was handing him a cup of coffee and taking a seat across from him.

"So Reid, what brings you ou - Spencer, what's wrong?" Aaron could hide a lot of his emotions from most people, years at the BAU and in the prosecutor's office had taught him how to mask exactly what he was thinking and feeling quite well. But with Spencer there, crying silently on his sofa in his home, after all these years, the worry was evident.

"It's my dad, Hotch. He died." Spencer mumbled shakily as he choked back a sob. Hotch gently set his coffee on the coaster in front of him, as he briskly moved next to Spencer's side. Wrapping his arm around his shoulder, Hotch pulled Spencer into a comforting embrace. Aaron couldn't ignore his own worry about how defeated Spencer's posture felt next to him. Aaron had never thought of Spencer as too strong for his own good, but the fragility Spencer was showing at that moment concerned him greatly.

"I'm so sorry Spencer. I know it's hard" Hotch said, tightening his embrace. "When my father passed, I wanted to be angry at him, but as much as I disliked that man and all he put my family through, I couldn't help but feel sad. It's okay to grieve Spencer."

Spencer wiped the tears from his face and turned to meet Hotch's steady gaze. Searching his eyes for any sign of disinterest and finding none, Spencer continued.

"It's not just that Hotch. I started using it again a little while back when I saw how poorly my mother had been doing. She's better now Hotch, but I can't help but think about it all the time. Actually, it's all I can think about nowadays."

"Think about what Spencer?" Aaron asked, already knowing the answer just by looking at Spencer. Even after all of the worst cases they had worked together and all the things Spencer had been through as an agent, Aaron couldn't recall a time he looked so broken.

"I think it should have been me that died Hotch. My dad left me a note. I mean, he knew he was sick there towards the end, his cardiologist told him another heart attack would be fatal and I guess he wanted me to know he loved me." Spencer sat up straighter, a look of anger spread across his face. "It wasn't just this though Hotch. I haven't been right since moving back to CalTech. I'm not me anymore."

"I know. Reid, it's okay. You don't have to feel good immediately after returning to being a civilian. It took me a while to adjust, to find how to not feel lost without the team, but it gets easier. Things get better." Aaron's tone was serious and Spencer knew deep down he was right, but that didn't make it any easier to believe him. "And Spencer, you are not alone. I care about you, your mom cares about you, and everyone from the BAU cares about you, even if we don't see each other often anymore."

The two spent a few hours sitting in silence together, sipping their coffees. Spencer began to relax and it felt like a weight was slowly being lifted from him. They would have likely stayed on the sofa for the rest of the night if the silence hadn't been interrupted by Jack's return to the house.

"Hey, dad! I'm home. We had a great time watching the play, even though grandpa did fall asleep and start snoring a bit during one of the quietest scenes." Jack shook the rain off his coat while kicking off his sneaker. After pouring himself a cup of coffee in the kitchen, Jack walked over to join his father in the living room. "I was thinking we could go for a jog in the morning if it's not…. Wait… Dr. Reid? Is that you? It's been too long!" Jack quickly walked over and hugged Spencer. Even though he would never admit it, Spencer had always been Jack's favorite of his dad's coworkers from the BAU. Jack quickly took a seat across from his dad and Spencer, excited to catch up. He hadn't seen Spencer in quite a while, but he hadn't remembered him looking so exhausted.

"So tell me, how is California? Did dad tell you I'm looking to move out there for college? Of course, I won't be at CalTech, I have my eye on UC Irvine, but it will still be close enough to visit once or twice at least." Aaron couldn't help grinning at his son's excitement. He knew he looked up to Spencer. "I want to study psychology. Dad thinks I should be a lawyer like he was, but I'm more interested in being a school counselor. Or maybe a professor, I would make a good professor." Jack continued rambling.

"Jack, buddy. Spencer has had a long day of traveling. Why don't you go get a few extra blankets out in the guest room for him? He can stay here tonight and we can all go for a jog and catch up over breakfast tomorrow."

"Okay dad, I'll go do that. Dr. Reid, it is so good to see you again."

"Please, call me Spencer." Spencer smiled warmly, "And Hotch, you don't have to put me up for the night, I can go get a hotel, it's not a big deal."

"Absolutely not Spencer. Our home is always open to you and it would be an honor to have you stay with us."

With a yawn, Spencer accepted the offer and followed Jack to the guest bedroom to retire for the night. It had been quite a while since he had been able to fall asleep without medication, but once he was under the covers, Spencer had the most restful sleep he had had in weeks.

"Are you going to bed too dad? Jack asked from the entrance of the living room.

"No buddy, I think I'm going to stay up and read a bit. If you want to, you can play some video games in the den, but please remember to turn the Xbox and lights off when you go to bed this time."

"I will dad, I will. And I'll make sure I don't stay up too late or let the bed bugs bite." Jack laughed as he left the room. At least Jack didn't inherit my sense of humor, Aaron thought to himself. He had always loved the lightness and ease with which Haley always seemed to find joy in everything.

With the room to himself, Aaron unfolded and began to read the crumpled letter Spencer handed him.

"Spencer,

I know I haven't been there, and that's entirely on me. You were so strong as a little boy, and you grew into an even stronger and more brilliant than I could have ever imagined adult. If I could go back and do it all again, I would have been stronger for you and your mom. I never stopped loving either of you, I want you to know that. My doctors say my heart is a ticking time bomb and I want to make sure you know I love you and I always have. Please give my love to Diana as well. I wanted to write her as well, but I was afraid of how she would take it. I don't expect you to ever forgive me, but please forgive yourself. You are wonderful and I am proud to call you my son. I have left you as my sole inheritor and my lawyer will reach out after my passing. You will likely receive this after I have passed, but if there's an afterlife, I look forward to eventually spending it with you and your mom.

Love,

William Reid, Dad"