I do not own Red Dwarf or any of its characters
enjoy!(:
"He's gonna get it. If it's the last thing I do.", said Lister holding his stomach.
"I agree, we'll get him back alright if it's the last thing you do.", said Cat curled up in a fetal position. Lister shot him an annoyed glare.
"Any ideas sirs?", asked Kryton with a little excitement.
"He put laxatives in the curry supply, what could we ever do to match that level of despicable torturous vile putricity?", said Lister.
They all thought for a moment of schemes and things.
"I've got it! Tomorrow morning before he wakes up, let's put him into the artificial reality! Somewhere horrible and he'll think he's really there like we dumped him or somethin!", said Lister with mischievous laughter.
The others boys laughed at the idea and began to plot immediately.
That night for the first time ever they were excited to wake up early. Well to them it would be like the middle of the night considering they usually woke up at noon.
Hours later Cat and Kryton came in and with an easily persuaded Holly's help, they fed the artificial reality through a remote machine to connect to Rimmer as he lay still asleep in his bunk.
"Alright, payback time baby!", said Lister in a whisper with an excited grin.
The boys gathered around the tv monitor ready to laugh as they watched Rimmers consciousness enter the unreal reality.
Rimmer snapped open his eyes as he heard his thumping heart beat warm in his ears. His arm shot up to protect his eyes from relentless flakes of ice and frigid howling wind. A blizzard enveloped him within the dark night air as he struggled against it to stand.
Laughter from the boys grew seeing the distressed Rimmer so immediately miserable.
Around Rimmer layed flat terrain painted black, white and midnight blue. His mind raced with fear and questions as his eyes darted around him. His shivering legs stumbled forward as his unoccupied arm cradled his torso.
If his eyes were telling the truth there was a river a hundred feet or so ahead of him. If there was a haven in the form of flesh or shelter, it would likely be there. At least that's what his frozen mind hoped.
His body creaked toward it's destination as the heavy cold pulled down on his hollow bones. The rude awakening still left a tremble in his body, out-shaken by the shivers from the frozen air against his bare skin. Goosebumps spread over him accompanied by aching temples that were peirced by an unmerciful frost. Flakes of snow burrowed in his hair and sat on his eyelashes, his body not being warm enough to melt their delicate form.
"Em, maybe we should take him out now buddy. This one's a little harsher than we expected.", said Cat looking at Lister.
"Yea I agree Hol, Kryten, take him out. Boy are we gonna hear about it for a while.", said Lister putting his chin in his hand with disapointment of the failed prank.
Krytons eyebrows...well the place where his eyebrows would be scrunched with an expression of confusion as he attempted to disconnect Rimmer.
"Holly do you know why I can't disconnect mister Rimmer from the A.R.?", inquired Kryten.
"Yea it looks like theres a malfunction in the reverse connection. It wont let you disconnect him because the power relays are shorting out since we re-routed the connection to the quarters instead of directly to the console in the artificial reality room.".
"Oh dear. I'd better get to work on a solution.", said Kryton doing just that.
"Yeah especially cause we don't know what's gonna happen in there. Maybe we should'a read the summary.", said Cat.
Lister just rubbed his face with stress and continued to watch the monitor.
As Rimmer neared the river the blizzard lightened to half as much wind speed and thickness of snowfall. He would have been thankful but with this change came thick eeriness. Now that the howl of the winds were quieter, small sounds around him in the night air crept over his skin with threats.
He looked as if he was about to say something but the fear in his chest and stiffness in his frozen throat decided not to.
His feet stopped at the brim of the slow river. For the first time he looked down finding he was wearing chain mail armor with a heavy hood on his back and silver metal conducting more cold than he needed. How he'd gotten into the outfit and why was almost more mysterious than how he'd ended up where he was. Somehow he could understand waking in a random place by alien kidnapping or some strange mindgame. It was just the Red Dwarf curse.
His thoughts were interrupted as faint sounds came from within the black of night. He looked all around at every inch of charcoal air, looking for imperfection.
Suddenly white vapor rose from the pores of the ground. Rimmers eyes widened as he watched with shock. The vapor whisps molded the shape of men who suddenly became flesh and bone. Their apparel was all the same looking similar to his own, but not quite the same. Their beedy eyes looked through helmets at him and he realized he was surrounded. The sword on his hip was pulled from it's sheath as he stood tall holding it with a threatening stance.
Saying anything was obviously useless, you could see in the dead pupils of the men that they were soul-less soldiers.
Their swords were raised as the fighting began.
Metal clanged metal that wrang through the barren land. His sword moved swiftly and strategically as it punctured and slashed man after man. Blood stained the air, dripping from fallen armor of empty vessels. What began as defense turned to determination of the enemies loss.
What seemed like hours later, grunts and yells escaped Rimmers lips with every cut and hit whether given or recieved. The few soldiers left backed Rimmer toward the river as adrenaline coursed through his veins. The water splashed up as his sword swung harder and the men fell quicker. The tip of his sword pointed out the back of the last man as Rimmer pulled it out, letting the hollow soldier hit the rivers surface.
Rimmers heavy breath left him in a mist. His chest heaved in and out as he barely noticed his sword drop from his fingertips by his side. His knees broke the surface of the water as he stared blankly forward with his mouth slightly open desperate for air. A thin line of crimson followed his cheekbone along with a deep bruise on his other cheek. His ruffled hair peaked over his wearied bloodshot eyes as his skin didn't register the freezing water that crept over him.
He slowly fell back as the black water took him under.
"HURRY FA SMEGS SAKE!", yelled Lister at the computer and mechanoid.
"Almost finished sir!", said Kryton hurriedly.
Suddenly Kryton stopped as he looked at the hologram with anticipation.
With a sharp breath Rimmer sat up and opened his wide eyes. He looked down at his torso, running his hand slowly over the bloodless surface in slow confusion.
They were relieved, though more worried about giving an explanation and what they'd receive in return.
"Rimmah, you alright?", asked Lister.
He took a moment to respond looking around surprised.
"Y-yes. Yes I believe so. How did I get back on the dwarf?".
"Well buddy it's really a funny story.", started Cat.
"Oh yes really it is sir.", said Kryton nervously.
"Look Rimmer this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't pranked us first.", said Lister as the other two boys agreed.
"What? What would have never happened?", asked Rimmer less impatiently than expected.
"We were pranking ya by immersin ya in the A.R. without ya knowin. But we didn't know the one we picked would be so creepy and brutal. How do you know how to use a sword by the way? Anyway you put death in the curry so we're even!", said Lister.
Rimmer raised one eyebrow with confusion. "It wasn't real?...I should've guessed that I suppose.", he said underwhelmingly in almost a mumble.
The boys looked at each other surprised and back at Rimmer.
"To answer your question I took fencing through my youth. Wait what did you say I did?", he asked.
"You put laxatives in the curry supply sir. Cat has lost ten pounds and Lister hasn't been able to touch the stuff since!", said Kryton with his normal dramatic effect.
"What? That wasn't me!", said Rimmer wanting to laugh.
"What?!", said the other boys.
"Yeah it was a leak from a broken pipe that sent particles of hydroxilin into the food storage.", said Holly nonchalantly.
"What why didn't you tell us?!", asked Lister.
"It was a bit more fun this way wasn't it?", she replied.
"HOLLY!".