"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low
Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know"
-Lauren Daigle

Chapter 15 Decidedly Insecure

Robby had frozen to the spot where he stood. All prior information that he had wanted to convey melted like snow in a summer's sun. If they weren't both caught up in the moment and all the emotions something like that brings, and she had asked him what he was about to say before, he didn't think he would have been able to tell her.

He was happy, of course he was. They would be parents! His palace of bliss was being extended and his perfect family unit was being expanded to become even more perfect, as hard as that was to even comprehend. They laughed, they cried joyful tears-he worried over how she felt as she shrugged and said she felt a few symptoms. They hugged, kissed, and he placed his hand over her yet flat stomach basking in the future of what was to come. It was a beautiful evening, and Belle let her eyes and words tell him all the dreams she had for their future child. It was all smiles, and love, and laughter.

And then the night came. He could feel the panic rising as his father's voice invaded his thoughts. Uncertainty over the future had been a point of concern as he had researched the little shop and thought about the prospect of working for himself again. This time, the voice was stronger, laced with spitting disgust and the constricting feeling in his chest made him want to curl up in on himself, and he might have, if he didn't have the warmth of Belle's body there and the overwhelming sense, despite all of the other emotions warring in his soul, that he didn't want to wake his precious beauty. Instead, he allowed the thoughts to wreak havoc in his mind.

You think you had capacity for failure before, just wait until you are responsible for another person. You! Responsible for another human being. Your child will hate you, just like you hate me. All they'll see is a cripple, weak, pathetic fool. Who would want anyone like you for a father? It's a wonder that Belle hasn't left you yet. Sure, you've been able to provide for her up to this point, but remember the way she has to gently squeeze your hand whenever you go anywhere new or different? You think you've gotten better? She just humors you-and she won't have time or energy to humor you when the baby comes. She'll be too busy to coddle you, and then she will see just how weak you truly are. As your child grows they'll wonder just what horrible thing they did to deserve being shackled to a pathetic human such as you.

'Robby?' Belle's calming voice broke through the hateful voice in his head. He felt her arm bringing his own squeezing it closer.

'Yes?' he whispered, his voice shaking and ears still struggling to hear properly with the ocean like noise in his ears still rushing, his heart still thumping, and his breath coming in short gasps.

'You're going to be a wonderful father, you know that right?' His body stilled.

'How did you know?' He was ashamed that his thoughts were so loud that even Belle could hear them. If she even knew half of what his father whispered to him…

'I can always tell when the panic gets too heavy for you-your heart rate and breathing is scaring me a little. You always think so little of yourself when you get those sort of attacks, and with the news of today-well, it doesn't take much to put two and two together, you know?'

There was silence-guilt for his thoughts and guilt that Belle would have to speak through the panic to help it still. After all this time and panic could seize him and bring him to his knees, well, his proverbial knees anyway.

Neither of us have had the best examples. It will be an adventure, Robby, just think of it that way. Anyway…' She turned to face him, taking her small fingers and tracing and then cradling his face. He shut his eyes, soaking in the comforting touches, a tear escaping his attempts to reign in the overwhelming self doubt and worry that had tried to crush him. Belle, being her normal self, extending comfort-wanting him to once again to be comfortable, gave of herself when he should be showering her with comfort. 'I know you'll make a wonderful father to our child, just as you've been a wonderful husband to me. You are kind, you are fiercely protective of those you love, and you love better than anyone I know. Robby, please don't let those thoughts ruin our joy. I hate it when you think of yourself so low.' The knot of guilt and shame clenched stronger, even though the panic was lessened considerably. It wasn't the first time that she had talked him through the voice in his head that told him he was worthless. It was probably why she could figure him out so quickly now. 'You are a wonderful husband, you take care of me so well, and I know-I know, Robby, that you'll be a wonderful father.I believe in you, and if you can't trust yourself then trust what I tell you now.'

'Oh Belle' he whimpered, and they held each other until he was soothed into a more peaceful dreamland.

It turned out that he wasn't the only person struggling with their wonderful news. A week later (and he still hadn't told her about the little shop-even though he knew they needed to make a decision about it, even though it added to the rising panic he experienced each night before he went to bed), he walked into the house and found Belle in a tearful, huddled mess on the kitchen floor. Worried that she had cut herself or somehow hurt herself some other way, he limped quickly with a frantic 'Belle!' on his lips. He went down with a groan onto his knees, wincing in pain, but too worried about Belle to care. He took her hands, looking for injury but finding none, and then went to search her tear streaked face.

'What's the matter, sweetheart?'

'Its-It's going to hurt and I won't have my mother with me.' She sobbed, her hands going back to her face, her hair tangled around her, the oven blaring that her supper was on the brink of being ruined. Unsure of what exactly she was talking about, but sensing it had to do with the little person in her stomach and not a knife accident, he felt some relief and pushed her hair gently away from her face.

'It will hurt?' he repeated the words she said, trying to make them make sense

'The birth-the labor. I've been reading up on it, and the ladies at my work-they-they talk about their mothers, how they helped relieve their fears, how they could ask them a thousand questions, how they were there for them when they gave birth. They don't know I've lost my mom-they weren't thinking when they said such things, but -but -All I have are books! I-I wish my mother was here.' And she collapsed into fresh sobs. He pulled her closer, his leg protesting the entire time, but he tried to rub her back, trying to give a bit of the comfort that had been dished out to him time and time again.

'I'm sorry, Belle, so sorry.' He whispered. 'You are the strongest woman I know-she would be so proud of you, sweetheart, I'm sure of it. And I know-I know I'm not a substitute, but I promise that you'll never be alone-I'll be here every step of the way.' He had no idea if what he was saying was helping-it was most likely making it worse, and he inwardly cringed that perhaps he was inept to do any sort of comforting at all. The sobs continued for a bit, but she finally seemed to either gather herself or tire herself out. She blinked through the remnant tears, seeing the scene in front of her as if for the first time since he had come in.

'Oh Robby, your leg! Oh I'm so sorry!' They helped each other up and she erupted in fresh sobs. Robby's heart was hurting for her. 'How can I be so selfish?'

'You? Selfish? Never, my Belle. You are dealing with grief and worry, and I would be the last person to deny you your tears, after all the times I have burdened you with mine.'

'Never a burden' she whispered, though she seemed satisfied with this answer. Suddenly she started. 'And I've burned the food!'

'No matter!' He said, grabbing an oven mitt and getting out the singed casserole. 'That's something I can solve.' He was glad to be made useful, and fought through the panic rising in his chest. He wrote both of their orders down on paper, as well as everything he would need to say. It seemed ridiculous, when normal people, like Belle, would only need to pick up the phone and call without all the extra crutches. Belle had gone upstairs to freshen up, knowing Robby would only be more nervous with her there (any other time she would be the help and comfort he needed, but she knew she was more help not with him, not looking over his shoulder-it was silly, he knew, but he was thankful that she never commented on it).

When it was over, and she had come down, dark circles already forming over her exhausted eyes-pregnancy fatigue had hit her hard and fast-she said nothing about his wildly beating heart, or his struggle to lengthen his breaths, but pulled him into a hug instead.

'Thank you, Robby-I don't know what I would do without you. And I'm sorry…' she chewed on her lower lip. 'But I'm afraid emotional outbursts may be a frequent thing for the next nine months.'

'Like I said, I'm here for all of it, sweetheart.'

It was another few days before he was brave enough to tell her about the shop. She was beginning to be sick in the mornings, and would fall asleep on the car rides home from work, that he was beginning to think they might never get to speak in their old way again-it was worth it, he knew that, but he couldn't help but sigh over the old way they would talk over their days in the evenings. Belle could sense it too, and when she had a slight burst of energy on a Sunday afternoon, she insisted that he make them some tea and they sit and talk in the library, instead of him going into the study to tinker. Forgoing any sort of worry over work that could be done, he excitedly got things prepared to spend time with his wife.

He chuckled as he noticed Belle was already trying to nod off on the chair when he came back. He kissed her forehead, causing her to jolt awake, and then she was giggling over her own fatigue, while Robby assured her that the work of making another human must zap all of her energy.

They had taken a couple of sips of tea, hers ginger, though the nausea wasn't as bad in the afternoon. She could tell, heavy eyes and all that there was something on his mind. She was looking at him with those deep knowing eyes, waiting for him to gather his words.

He began telling her about the shop going on the market, and its value, and the two other buildings that neighbored it were an all in one deal-rental money if they could manage renters and the upkeep the buildings would bring.

By the end he was pulling his hands through his hair, and she was wide awake, deep in thought. She got up and got a notebook and began scribbling. He loved watching her, nervous though he was over the whole thing. He loved how, in between scribbles, instead of holding onto the pen, she would slip it behind her ear like she did when he watched her from afar in the art and humanities building. Here he was, her husband!, getting to watch her without being deemed a lurker, the rings on their fingers declared that it was alright.

'What did you make before you lost your shop?'she looked up at him to ask. He told her, she scribbled some more, this time tapping the pen on her lips instead of hiding it behind her ear, meaning that there was much more scribbling to be done.

'I think we can do it.' She finally said as she shared her scribbles with him. There's projected revenue, fixed expenses and the variable ones that will fluctuate as they gain more revenue, the possible income from leasing out the other two buildings, and then what it might take to keep them up.

'I don't know, sweetheart.' He isn't denying what she's said. He would never do that. Her father had done that to her plenty enough. 'There's the house payments to think of, and the baby on the way. What if I can't make enough? What if I can't provide for you-for us?' The whispers in his mind were having at it again. You can't do it. It will end in ashy failure just like the last one did, and then where will you be? Where will your wife be-your baby?

'I-I think I could stay on at the library, at least until the baby comes, and then we will see how things are and take a step from there. I want to help you as quickly as I can, but it might be good to have one steady paycheck between the two of us for the first few months as we make it to our breakeven point.'

He nods, showing her he is listening, rubbing his neck nervously as his stomach does somersaults and his heart beats erratically. To have a baby and start a new business venture at the same time makes every sense he has alight on fire.

'Hey, hey' Belle is suddenly in front of him, rubbing his back, holding him close, and he feels the panic start to dissipate, a little anyway. This is more overwhelming than he thought it would be. He thought Belle would tell him that they would have to wait, try again once they got back on their feet after the baby was born before trying for a new place, a place that wouldn't be as quaint, and adorable, and right, as the little teal shop. Instead she told him, in her own worrying and nervous way, that she thought that they could do it, and though he was scared out of his mind at the thought, he believed her.

Author's note:

Sorry for so much angst and all the woobiness that Robby still experiences, but hopefully the fluff made it worth it :)
I hope you enjoyed the chapter! As always, I appreciate the comments so, so much!