Luck of the Acolytes
"Whew, what a day," Pyro commented lugging a bulging pair of grocery bags into the Kitchen. "That was one of the longest shopping runs we've ever had."
"Well, it would have been a lot shorter if the first place we went to carried decent bell peppers, andouille sausage and okra," Remy noted following after him toting his own set of bags. "And if you hadn't insisted on setting half of the frozen foods sections on fire."
"I had to, mate. They were all instant frozen dinners," Pyro insisted. "Nothing but overly-processed blobs of slime and hunks of gunk packed with more chemicals than a science lab. Those mutilated monstrosities were a crime against gastronomy!"
"For once I agree with your opinion, if not your method," Piotr admitted trailing his teammates while pushing a platform cart piled high with groceries. "I do not understand how anyone would ever want to eat such things instead of real meals using fresh ingredients."
"Eh, it's a trade-off," Remy pointed out as the three Acolytes began putting away the food. "Not everyone has the time or ability to prepare full meals themselves, so easily reheated frozen foods help fill the gap."
"I suppose," Piotr said unloading the cart. "Thinking about such things makes me realize how fortunate I am to be able to eat and enjoy freshly prepared food."
"For the most part, anyway," Remy noted restocking the refrigerator. "But right now it's late, I'm tired and I'm really not up to making anything big for dinner."
"Neither am I," Pyro agreed. "But that's okay. We'll just slap together something easy like sandwiches."
"Good idea," Piotr nodded. "But what about Magneto? Won't he be upset about eating something simple?"
"Who cares?" Remy waved spreading sandwich supplies out on the counter. "If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to eat it. Besides, he'll probably end up pigging out on ice cream anyway during his usual midnight snack."
"Then it is a good thing we got a dozen gallons of that French mocha silk ice cream he likes," Piotr said opening the freezer. "The more store-bought brands he has, the more fresh homemade ice cream there will be for the rest of us."
"'Attaway, Colossus. At least one kind of pre-processed frozen food will be put to good use this time," Pyro smiled. "Oooh, speaking of which, it's about to start!"
"Huh?" Piotr frowned as Pyro quickly turned on a wall-mounted computer monitor. "What is about to start? And when did we get a computer monitor in here?"
"Mags installed it after the last time he rebuilt the Kitchen," Remy reminded. "Pyro and I managed to convince him to include it along with a bigger central island and the walk-in freezer."
"Ah, right," Piotr nodded.
"It's almost time for the weekly drawing of the Loco Lotto," Pyro grinned. "I picked out a whole mess of tickets during our shopping run."
"Huh?" Piotr blinked as Pyro upended an entire grocery bag filled with lottery tickets onto another counter. "You entered the lottery?"
"Yep," Pyro smiled proudly. "With all these babies I'm bound to win something!"
"Oh geeze," Remy rolled his eyes while continuing to make sandwiches. "Pyro, the odds of winning the lottery are millions, if not billions to one. It's the worst form of gambling because it doesn't rely on any sort of skill by the player. I can't believe you wasted all that money."
"I didn't waste any money," Pyro protested. "I swiped the tickets while the store staff were busy dealing with the burning frozen foods."
"Oh, well in that case it's fine," Remy waved. "Good work."
"That is not how I would put it," Piotr groaned.
"Thanks, mate!" Pyro beamed. "I got a good feeling about this. This week's jackpot is seventy-two million dollars!"
"Really?" Remy raised an eyebrow. "That's a nice pile of cash, but don't get your hopes up."
"Yes, like Remy said the odds of winning are very low," Piotr reminded. "Do not feel too disappointed if you lose."
"No worries, mates. It's not all about winning. It's about having fun!" Pyro smiled. "It's the thrill of the game! The rush one gets when everything seems to go your way and makes you feel special!"
"That does seem rather appealing," Piotr admitted.
"Besides, I've already won the gene lottery of Life by being a mutant with the awesome power to manipulate fire!" Pyro went on. "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if there was a mutant who could manipulate luck?"
"Yeah, right. Like that could ever happen," Remy snorted. "Though if there was, I'd definitely want to partner with them on a trip to Las Vegas and Monte Carlo."
"Okay, the numbers are in!" Pyro grinned eagerly watching the monitor. "The winning numbers are 3, 19, 37, 50, 64 and 128. Help me find a match!"
"3, 19, 37, 50, 64, 128. 3, 19, 37, 50, 64, 128," The three mutants quickly scanned through the tickets.
"Well, this pile is a bust," Remy declared. "Not a single match on any of 'em."
"I found one ticket that had three matching numbers," Piotr held it up. "Is it worth anything?"
"Yeah, two bucks," Remy checked the payout table. "Same as the price of a single ticket."
"Oh. Too bad," Piotr sighed.
"3, 19, 37, 50, 64, 128. 3, 19, 37, 50, 64, 128," Pyro continued to pour through the remaining tickets. "3, 19, 37, 50, 64, 128. 3, 19, 37, 50…YES! I WON!"
"WHAT?!" Remy and Piotr stared at him in shock. "No way!"
"Yes way!" Pyro whooped hopping around. "Read it and weep, baby! Yeah! Yeah!"
"Lemme see that ticket!" Remy nabbed ticket and carefully checked the numbers. "I don't believe it. They really do match…wait a second…"
"What?" Piotr asked. "Is there a problem?"
"You bet there is!" Remy exclaimed. "Pyro, you idiot! You looked up the numbers for the Loco Lotto! These tickets are all for the Cuckoo Lotto!"
"They are?" Pyro blinked checking the tickets. "Oops. My bad."
"Oh my," Piotr braced himself against the kitchen counter. "I really thought you had won for a moment. How disappointing."
"Here, these are the winning numbers for the Cuckoo Lotto," Remy manipulated the monitor to a different lottery screen.
"Ah, got it, mate. Thanks," Pyro stared at the screen. "Awww, these numbers are all different. None of them match my tickets!"
"Of course they don't match. The old ones were for a complete different lottery," Remy said holding out a ticket. "These are the matching numbers for this lottery." He immediately did a double-take. "WHAT?!"
"Huh?" Piotr gasped, stunned. "Are you serious?"
"Oooo, lemme see! Lemme see!" Pyro peeked over Remy's shoulder and swiftly checked the numbers. "Alright! The new numbers match! Wahooo!"
"I don't believe it," Remy fell into one of the Kitchen counter stools in shock. "Pyro finally beat the odds. This has to be a dream…wait. Hold on. This ticket's for a different lottery so the jackpot isn't for seventy-two million dollars."
"You're right," Pyro glanced at the monitor. "According to this the current jackpot for the Cuckoo Lotto is ninety-six million dollars!"
"WHAT?!" Remy nearly fell off the stool. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
"Nope!" Pyro grinned. "It's true! I won! I won! Yay!"
"Um, maybe not," Piotr quietly spoke up.
"Huh?" Remy and Pyro turned towards him. "What are you talking about?"
"The winning numbers match up, but they are for the wrong date," Piotr pointed at the screen. "These are the winning numbers for last week."
"What?!" Pyro gaped. "No! Say it ain't so!"
"It's so," Remy sighed in resignation. "Dang. I should have known it was too good to be true. The lottery really had me going there."
"I almost believed it myself," Piotr placed a hand over his heart while taking several deep breaths. "I do not believe I can take any more excitement."
"But if these aren't the real winning numbers, what are they?" Pyro cried.
"Here they are," Remy turned to the correct screen. "The actual winning numbers for this lottery for this week."
"Alright. It's on now!" Pyro declared checking tickets like mad.
"You bet it is!" Remy agreed joining him. "After having two false hopes crash and burn, one of these tickets has to be a winner…aw, nuts!"
"Bloody all!" Pyro cursed a minute later. "All these tickets and not a single matching number! I'd go to the store and demand my money back if I'd actually paid for any of them!"
"Um, guys?" A frozen Piotr croaked while holding a single crumpled ticket.
"What? Don't tell me you actually matched the winning numbers," Remy drawled glancing at Piotr. One look said it all. "No way!"
"Wait, really?" Pyro cried as he and Remy quickly huddled next to Piotr.
"The numbers…they all match," Piotr finally managed to get out.
"They're for the right lottery," Remy double- then triple-checked the ticket. "For the right week."
"And for the right jackpot," Pyro finshed. "Which means…"
"YOU WON!" Remy and Piotr howled in triumph. "PYRO WON!"
"WAAAHOOOOO!" Pyro whooped and did a happy dance. "I WON! I REALLY WON! WHEEEEEEEEE!"
"I don't believe it! Pyro's rich! Pyro's rich!" Remy and Piotr cheered.
"We're rich!" Pyro corrected grinning wide. "I'm splitting the money with ya!"
"What?!" Remy and Piotr froze and gawked at Pyro, stunned. "You will? Why?"
"Because you're my mates! My pals! My fellow mutants in arms!" Pyro smiled giving them a group hug. "I wouldn't wanna be rich and alone without ya! That wouldn't be fun."
"Really? You mean it?" Piotr's eyes were wide.
"Yep!" Pyro grinned happily. "We're winners together!"
"Aw, thanks mon ami!" Remy smiled and kissed Pyro on the forehead. "That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! Well, almost…"
"Ew, bleah!" Pyro yelped wiping his forehead.
"Thank you, Pyro!" Piotr smiled wrapping Pyro in a massive bear hug. "I completely forgive you for all the fires and destruction you have caused in the past!"
"Aaaccckkk!" Pyro gasped in Piotr's grip. "Colossus…leggo…you're crushing…my…spine…"
"Oops, sorry," Piotr immediately let go.
"Oh man, this is big!" Remy grinned. "Ninety-six million dollars split three ways! That's thirty-two million dollars each!"
"Just think how many lighters, flamethrowers and candy I can buy with that much dosh!" Pyro cackled with a wicked gleam in his eye. "I'll build my own fire sanctuary where flames and animals of all kinds can live in flamey, burny harmony!"
"I will finally be able to escape from Magneto for good!" Piotr declared. "And get my family a nice house where we will be happy and set for life!"
"I can take Rogue on the shopping spree of a lifetime," Remy eagerly rubbed his hands together. "Along with going on the best date of her life which will finally win her heart!"
"What the heck is going on in here?" Sabertooth growled entering the Kitchen.
"Yaaahoooooo!" The three younger Acolytes linked arms and happily danced around the kitchen island. "Three cheers for us! Hip, hip, hooray!"
"Never mind. I don't wanna know," Sabertooth grunted. "I just want something to eat." He picked up one of the forgotten half-made sandwiches and took a bite. "Mmmm, not bad."
"Come on! What are we waiting around here for?" Remy finally broke off the dance. "Let's go down and turn in that ticket!"
"Yeah! Flames and fortune here we come!" Pyro cheered. "Mags and old Baldy will look like paupers compared to our piles of…" He suddenly trailed off. "Hey, where's the ticket?"
"Huh?" Piotr stared at Pyro in horror. "You lost it?"
"WHAT?!" Remy yelled. "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?"
"I didn't mean to!" Pyro cried. "It must've slipped out of my hand while we were celebrating!"
"Hey, be quiet ya lunatics!" Sabertooth snapped. "I'm trying to eat here!"
"Quick! Find that ticket!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr began frantically tearing the kitchen apart. "Where is it? Where is it?"
"That's not it!" Pyro quickly searched through a pile of lottery tickets while burning the non-winning tickets to ash. "That's not it! That's not it!"
"It is not up here!" Piotr checked all the high shelves. "It is not under the refrigerator either!"
"Aggghhh, this can't be happening!" Remy ranted inspecting every slightly open drawer and cabinet. "Not again! Not when all our hopes and dreams are about to become reality!"
"I don't know what you fools are crying about this time, but leave me outta it," Sabertooth grunted helping himself to another sandwich. "At least you maniacs bothered to make dinner. Ew, yuck! This sandwich has lettuce on it! Tastes pretty stale too."
"Huh? I didn't put any lettuce on the sandwiches yet," Pyro said absently before freezing in realization. "Uh, mates…?"
"What?" Remy and Piotr turned towards Pyro as he watched Sabertooth finish eating his second sandwich in horror. "Oh no. He didn't…"
"Eh, oh well. No biggie," Sabertooth let out a loud burp. "A little lettuce won't kill me. At least I managed to swallow it whole without tasting it too much."
"GET HIM!" The three younger Acolytes leapt at Sabertooth. "GIVE US BACK THAT TICKET!"
"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?! GET OFF ME…YAAACCCKKKKKK!" Sabertooth yelled as his mouth was unwillingly pried open. "HEY, WATCH THE TEETH!"
"There! I see a small torn off piece of it!" Piotr shouted holding Sabertooth's jaws apart. "The rest of the ticket must be somewhere down his throat!"
"Cut his neck! Slice him open! His wounds will heal eventually!" Remy howled grabbing a large carving knife. "As long as he hasn't digested it we still have a chance!"
"GAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Sabertooth howled throwing his teammates off before making a beeline for the door.
"What the devil is going on in here?" Magneto and Mastermind appeared in the doorway. "Are you maniacs goofing off again? When's dinner going to be ready…?"
WHAM!
"OUTTA THE WAY!" Sabertooth knocked down the pair of adult Acolytes before unceremoniously stomping over them. "THESE LUNATICS ARE ACTING EVEN CRAZIER THAN USUAL! HELP!"
"COME BACK HERE!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr chased after him while running over Magneto and Mastermind as well. "WE WANT OUR LOTTERY TICKET!"
"Ow," Mastermind whimpered while sprawled out on the floor. "My back…my spleen…owie…"
"Ohhh, too bad I know which lottery I've won," Magneto moaned crumpled up in a heap. "The endless, overflowing jackpot for insanity!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.