Note: Thank you for reading this story! It's coming to a close, with only 2 chapters left, and I'd like to thank SpikeyGirl for her review.

Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club.

The Thinking Days

Kai's sleep was not peaceful. He woke up multiple times in the night, the memories chasing after him every moment, replaying themselves in his head.

The people were gathered to celebrate Dr. Segawa, a man who was taking the medical world by storm. I had been a kid then, only seven years old, so I hadn't thought much about what the party was for, only that it was boring and my parents wouldn't let me find some other kids to play with. I was beginning to think there weren't any other kids there.

But I was wrong, and I found that out the hard way.

There had been security, but that hadn't stopped the man. It was all very quiet in the beginning. I saw a little girl, about my age, maybe a year younger. I watched her as she held on to the doctor's jacket. She must be his daughter. My parents were just heading in their direction when the man walked up to Dr. Segawa. He seemed serious, but not violent. I kept walking toward the three people. It wasn't until I was only a few feet from the girl that I realized my parents had stopped. I didn't care. I had found a kid, even if it was a girl.

Everything after that was very distinct.

Dr. Segawa looked angry, and so did the man. As the stranger turned and walked by, he shoved his hand into his pocket. I saw his eyes lock on the little girl, and I felt myself take another few steps toward her. His eyes frightened me.

The man stopped his retreat at a safe enough distance. I took another step.

The man turned back toward the doctor. "I hope you feel the same pain I do."

Another step. Silence. The man pulled something black from his pocket.

Three steps, quickly. The angry man pointed the black thing at the girl I had wanted to befriend.

I didn't think. I didn't know what made me take that running leap in front of her, but I knew I had to do something. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew the man's eyes were cruel when they looked at her. Moments later, I wasn't wondering what had happened to me. I barely felt the pain before I was unconscious.

Kai's eyes flew open. That was when it had all fallen apart. He would never regret what he did, though. It opened his eyes, and he didn't think he could have lived with himself if he hadn't done anything. When he woke up in the hospital, he was terrified and in pain. Only his sister was there, left to watch her little brother while her parents were at work, wondering if he was going to die. Kai had figured out that that was why she felt so much bitterness toward him. He didn't blame her, he just wished she realized there was nothing he could have done to change it. She saw him awake and called him an idiot, then called the doctor. Kai wasn't pleased to see Dr. Segawa.

His parents, he knew, had also been affected by his thoughtless action. Kai knew they were afraid, and that was why they weren't there. They were cowardly, but they didn't hate him. He knew it hit them hard that they could have lost him, and sometimes he thought they blamed him for their pain. So they distanced themselves, and they lost him anyway. He didn't blame them. They were only trying to protect themselves. It was an instinct. He just wished they realized they could be stronger than that.

Still, he didn't regret jumping in front of that girl. Maybe the reason he had done it was because he could take everything that came with it, and she couldn't. Maybe she would have died. Maybe he had to have the strength that she didn't have. Either way, he never saw her again. He didn't blame her, either.

The one person he did blame was the man who had pulled the trigger. That man had pulled the trigger on the gun, and more than a bullet was set into motion. If Kai looked for the place everything started to morph into the strange half-reality he lived in, it was the moment the lead pierced his skin. He acknowledged his plans for world domination were strange, and highly unlikely, but for some reason, he couldn't dislodge the thought that it was still going to happen. He couldn't get rid of it.

And suddenly, desperately, Kai wanted to forget it.

-o-O-o-

"Hey, we saw your brother in the host club, Saya!"

Kai's sister, Saya, was sitting in her room on a comfortable chair. Her two best friends were also in the room, relaxed on various peices of furniture. "Yah. It's weird."

"I guess," said one girl. "I never would have expected it, anyway. He's always so quiet when we see him at your house."

"But he's so cute!" exclaimed the one who had spoken first.

Saya made a face. "Ew. Don't forget this is my brother we're talking about."

"I know. And that's the only reason I don't go and sit with him. See how loyal I am?"

"Stop it, Himeko, you're creeping me out!" Saya said, trying not to laugh.

"What? Do you think Sakura would be a better match?"

Saya pushed Himeko teasingly. "You two are off limits to my brother."

Sakura looked between Saya and Himeko. "I don't know that it's your brother you have to worry about."

Himeko's expression became curious. "Where is Kai, anyway?"

Saya shrugged. She couldn't tell them where he was. It was yet another part of her life she had to sacrifice for Kai. She had to be careful of what she said to her friends.

-o-O-o-

"It's given you purpose for most of your life, Kai. You were so shocked by those traumatic events that you had to find something that you could do to fix it. You blamed the man, and as you grew, you blamed the rest of the world. Your fear made you distrust everyone, made you believe that everyone was just as bad as him. I'm right, aren't I, Kai?"

Kai's eyebrows were drawn together and his jaw was clenched. He felt like his insides were shaking. He had told his parents to make an early appointment with Dr. Koga. The desperation to be rid of his thoughts and desires hadn't gone away, and he hadn't slept.

"So because the world was now trying to harm you and everyone you care for, you had to control it, so you could stop it. It is a defense mechanism, something our minds do to keep us feeling safe. I think, for you, it was also to give yourself strength; to keep you from feeling the pain that comes with all that you experienced. Your mind was helping you hide from the pain."

Kai stood suddenly. "I don't want to hate them for what they've done to me."

"Then don't. You can let go of this and still not hate them." Dr. Koga leaned forward, his eyes and voice more serious than Kai had ever heard them. "I've been waiting for this day, Kai. This is where you have to choose if the pain of life is worth the happiness. This is where you choose what is more important: being safe from pain, or living."

-o-O-o-

Kai didn't go to school for a week. He didn't go to Mr. Kaneshiro's either. He didn't go anywhere. He hardly ate, and he hardly slept. He lay on the couch and stared at the ceiling. Despite his immobility, he did accomplish quite a bit.

His first accomplishment came when his sister walked into the room, her arms crossed and her expression annoyed. "Hey, you're starting to get on my nerves. Stop moping around and get off the couch. You aren't the only one who lives here, and I'm tired of seeing your depressed face. It's bringing me down."

Kai didn't look at her. He just continued to stare at the ceiling. "I don't blame you for hating me."

He turned his head just in time to see the flash of surprise and uncertainty on her face. He guessed she just thought he was trying to get attention.

"Um… I just want you to get up. Go see your friend or something."

Kai met her eyes. "I'm not talking about laying here."

"Oh." With that, she sat down, head angled toward the floor. He thought he could see tears pricking at her eyes. "Well, what is it?"

Kai smiled slightly. "These past three days, I've been thinking. And at first, I was angry with you. You know I didn't do anything wrong by jumping in front of that girl. And I guess you didn't really hate me. But you were bitter. You hated that you had to watch me all the time. I stole your life, and I didn't even realize it."

"Yah, well, you didn't realize a lot of things, Kai. Do you even know what it felt like to sit in that hospital? Do you realize how much you hurt everyone when you started acting this way? Why are you so stupid?" By the end, she was yelling.

"I do understand how you felt... but have you ever thought about me?"

His sister avoided the question. "Do you even care about us anymore?"

"If I didn't, would we be having this conversation?"

The girl sighed. "We used to get along so well, Kai. How did it get this bad? Where did I screw up?"

"It might help if you tell me about it."

The young woman across from him seemed very sad, and very confused at the same time. Where was all this coming from? Kai hadn't spoken to her like this since before the accident… The girl mentally slapped herself. She was starting to sound like her parents. It hadn't been an accident. What he had done was an unappreciated act of bravery. She had thought that at first, but it was soon drowned out by her own problems. She stopped caring. "I was scared, Kai. We all thought we were going to lose you, and I was all alone. And because you were the one in front of me, you were easy to blame."

"I know. That's why I've forgiven you."

Her eyes lifted to his, and a tear fell out of its place in her eye. Kai was surprised when she flew at him and hugged him, crying silently. "I missed you so much!"

Kai just smiled slightly and patted her awkwardly on the back with one hand. Why is she crying? I thought she was happy… Must be a girl thing.

But Kai was happy, too. They weren't going to be perfect siblings; they still had a lot of ground to cover. But now they understood each other, and they could start to heal.

That had been on the third day. On the fourth day, someone had come to the door. Kai still didn't move from the couch, and his sister answered the door.

Tamaki stood there, a concerned look on his face. "Hello, Kai hasn't been to school for a while, and I was getting worried. Is he alright?"

The girl smiled at him. Had this happened four days ago, she would have invited him in immediately and tried to manipulate his time so he would be with her instead of Kai. But this day she said, "Thank you for asking. He's here, he's just been a little out of it. I'll let him know you stopped by, but I think he needs some rest. Maybe you could come back another time, when he's feeling better."

Tamaki nodded. "Yes, princess, I'll do that. Thank you for setting my mind at ease."

Even outside of the host club, Tamaki had a way with his words…

On the fifth day, Kai was sitting up and talking to her. Finally, she asked a question that had been bothering her.

"Kai, where did this all come from? What happened?"

Kai looked thoughtful. "At school, I met this girl… Later, I found her name was Akani… Akani Segawa."

"The one…?"

"Yeah."

-o-O-o-

Once the weekend passed, Kai went back to school. On his way, he stopped in to see Mr. Kaneshiro and let the man know that he was alright, and he would explain more after school. Something in the boy's face made Mr. Kaneshiro smile.

Kai still didn't make it to class on time, though that was partly due to how many times he was stopped so someone he hardly knew could ask him what had happened to cause him to be gone so long. Kai just told them he had been sick, which was, in its own way, the truth.

Finally, he heard a voice he actually recognized. "Hey! Kai! You're back!"

The force that slammed into his side unbalanced him and nearly knocked him off his feet. The blonde blur was enough to tell him who it was. Kai pried Tamaki off and moved him a safe distance away, but he still looked at him cautiously, as if planning what to do if the high-spirited boy tried to hug him again.

"Yeah, I'm back."

"What kept you so long? Your sister said you weren't well."

"I wasn't. I had to work some things out."

Tamaki smiled in understanding, and Kai found that it no longer made him want to punch the expression right off the kid's face.

"I heard you stopped by. Did she really invite you back over?"

"Yes indeed!" Tamaki exclaimed. "The whole club should come, I think. Wouldn't that be-"

"Hey… Did you tell them?" Kai asked.

Tamaki looked confused. "Tell who what?"

"Your friends. Did you tell them what you found out about me?"

"Oh, no, of course not. I figured you'd tell them if you felt like it. It's not my secret, after all."

Kai raised an eyebrow. "It's not your secret to tell, but it is your secret to dig up?"

Tamaki's eyes widened, and he opened and closed his mouth a few times.

Kai rolled his eyes, trying to hide a small smile. "You'll catch flies that way, you know." He smacked the blonde's chin up so his mouth would close as he passed. "You should head to class or you'll be late," he called over his shoulder.

Tamaki recovered from his embarrassment and jogged to the taller boy's side. "I'm thinking maybe I should live a little dangerously. What exactly do you do while you wait to be late for class?"

Kai gave Tamaki the most serious look he could muster. "I climb to the second story… from outside. With no harness."

"Uh… Actually, I think I'll pass this time. Plenty of time to live dangerously later!"

Kai smirked when Tamaki was out of sight. Yah right. Like I would ever do something like that.

-o-O-o-

Host club duties were infinitely more enjoyable now that he could try and relax a little. The only thing he wasn't sure he was ready for was seeing Akani. She didn't seem to be with his group today.

"Oh, Kai, we missed you so much!" squealed Gorgeous.

"What can I say, I'm a free spirit. Sometimes I must simply take care of other matters. But as they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"What were you doing?" asked Sweetheart.

Kai winked at her. "Come now, let me retain some of my mystery, or you girls will get tired of me."

There were cries of "no" and "never" and then Kai said, "I'll tell you this: I thought of you often while I was away."

"Oh, I'm so happy!" said Sugar.

"You all made my dreams… sweet." Not that he had dreamt at all.

They erupted into giggles and blushes and he imagined them melting into puddles of pink and yellow goo.

"Kai, have you ever ridden a motorcycle?"

Kai raised an eyebrow. "Can't say I have, but I've certainly thought about it."

"Oh! I'd like to see that!" exclaimed Gorgeous.

"My only regret is that if I did get a motorcycle, you lovely ladies wouldn't be able to join me."

"Why?" called one girl.

Kai leaned toward her. "How would I be able to concentrate on the road with your arms around me, Lovely?"

-o-O-o-

Kai left with Tamaki and Kyoya. The twins, Honey, and Mori had already gone. As they were walking, they heard small footsteps start up behind them, and Tamaki glanced over his shoulder. Kai turned around when Tamaki stopped.

"Hello, princess, can we help you?" the blonde boy asked.

Akani met Tamaki's eyes before moving on to Kai's. "I was hoping to speak to Kai."

Tamaki gave Kai a questioning look, and he knew the host club 'king' was asking him if he wanted them to leave the two alone.

Kai nodded. "Sure. I'll see you tomorrow, Suoh."

When both Kyoya and Tamaki turned the corner and were thus out of sight, Akani looked at her shoes. "I'm sorry. I've just wanted to talk to you for so long."

Kai took a few steps toward her and leaned against the wall a few feet away. "I kept asking if I could see you," he said flatly.

She looked up in surprise. "I didn't know. No one ever told me."

Kai shrugged. "I guessed that eventually."

"I know this is so late, but… thank you."

Finally, Kai smiled. "Don't thank me. I'm just glad you're alright."

The girl laughed a slightly nervous laugh. "I suppose we're making up for lost time right now?"

"If you want. I just thought you were thanking me for saving your life."

The nervousness leaked out of her smile. "There's something I had wanted to do when I was little. I was always into stories, and I was certain I was going to have my chance…"

"What is it?"

"This." She walked up to him and kissed his cheek, blushing furiously as she did so.

Kai smiled. "That's not a bad idea you had. Though I think I appreciate it more now than I would have when I was seven."

"Oh really?" she asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Yeah. I probably would have told you to take your cooties back or something. That would have been embarrassing."

Akani laughed. "Well, perhaps things worked out for the best, then."

Kai started walking toward the exit again, looking over his shoulder at her. "We'll see."

-o-O-o-

Kai was exhausted when he got home. Changing his ways was hard work, and he had only begun. It was a new challenge, a new purpose, to find himself again. It was going to take time, hard work, and patience from those around him, but he felt the effort would be worth it.