Chapter Two

Baby Steps

The gel that was squirted against her abdomen was shockingly cold, and Lisa Cuddy felt the muscles there contract as the doctor continued to squirt a generous amount on her belly. She gasped a little, and her doctor, a petite woman of Asian decent, laughed, her British accent lightly tinged in the sound. She used the wand from the ultra sound machine to spread it around on her stomach. "You never get used to that, eh?" she comment to Cuddy with a smile.

"No," Cuddy admitted, taking a deep breath as her heart started beating faster. She leaned back on the table, the paper underneath her crinkling with every small movement. She knew the ins and outs of this procedure, having performed it a half of million times herself as a doctor, and having went through it as a patient the previous fall. Her mind flashed back to that time, and how hopeful she had been, then. Now, she was cautious and anxious. How she wanted this baby, almost more than life itself, but, the hurt from losing the child earlier was still there.

"How are you feeling?" her doctor, Elizabeth Chang, asked, her dark eyes flickering back and forth from the ultrasound screen to Lisa, her voice soothing.

"A little nauseated," Lisa admitted, "usually in the morning. Sometimes in the late afternoon and evening, depending on what I've eaten."

"Any cramping? Bleeding?"

Cuddy shook her head. "No, not yet," she said with trepidation. "I've actually been fine." She swallowed. "So far."

Chang smiled back, nodding. "Good." She continued to move the wand over Cuddy's abdomen, then turned the screen around for Cuddy to see, hitting a button on the machine. A few seconds later, a soft whoosh, whoosh sound filled Cuddy's ears. She watched the grainy image on the screen, making out the various parts. At eight weeks, it still resembled something from the Alien movies rather than a human being, but it was there, moving, growing within her belly.

It was her baby.

Tears stung at her eyes at the sight of the grainy image, and she had to fight to keep them at bay. She was happy that Chang was watching the screen so intensely. "Everything looks great," she finally pronounced, happily. "Are you having any problems? Any complaints so far?"

"Just some heartburn," she admitted. "Worse than usual. Other than that?" she asked. "I'm doing great."

Chang nodded, then rustled in some of her printouts, finally isolating the one she wanted. "I'm certain you're already aware of these, but I'm giving you this list anyway. It's a list of all the baby safe OTC drugs you can take for minor complaints like heartburn and joint and headache pain." She began to scribble something on a prescription pad. "And this is for your prenatal vitamins."

Cuddy accepted the printout and the prescription, tight-lipped about the fact that she had already obtained a print-out from the PPTH obstetrician department, and that House had already written her the same 'script two weeks ago, the day after her pregnancy test turned up positive. "Thanks," she said, smiling.

Chang smiled back. "Take care of yourself, and listen to your body," she informed Cuddy, gently. "Pushing yourself right now to do more than your capable of doesn't do yourself nor your baby any good." She handed Cuddy a paper towel to wipe the gel off her abdomen while she turned off the machine.

Cuddy wiped the cold gel off of her belly. Her baby. Once again, she felt her heart jolt before settling down again. Her baby, her mind repeated as she tugged her top down. Her baby.

For now, anyway, a nasty voice echoed in the back of her mind. She bit her lip, refusing to give in to the increasing anxiety threatening to well up within her again.

She scheduled her next appointment, determined to take her pregnancy one step at a time; one appointment at a time. Now, more than ever, she didn't want anyone to know until they absolutely had to. She knew that the possibility of losing this child loomed over her, and she couldn't go through that again with anyone but House knowing. And House wouldn't tell anyone except maybe...

She bit her lip. If Wilson knew, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but she'd rather him not know. She placed a hand protectively over her abdomen as she walked to her car. She wanted to be a mother, to have a child and to raise it; it had always been a secret, seemingly unattainable dream. Now, there was a nagging feeling tugging at the back of her mind that, nearing forty, this might be her last chance of obtaining that dream.

Not that House had been around lately. It hadn't surprised her, not really

She unlocked her car's driver-side door, and she slipped into the seat, placing her purse in the passenger's seat next to her. She put the key in the ignition, but before turning it on, she glanced over at her purse, and she reached over, plucking the grainy photograph of her ultrasound. She sat back, and, taking a deep breath, she took a moment to study the fuzzy image. After a few quiet minutes, she put the photo back in her purse, exhaling slowly.

"Baby steps," she told herself, as she started her car. "One day at a time."

[H] [H] [H]

Cuddy sat behind her desk, trying not to doze off while she tried to read the Chief of Surgery's performance reviews on his staff. The man was an arrogant ass, who was worse than House in some ways, but he knew his people well.

Too bad the reviews were boring as hell to read.

A knock on her office door roused her from her daze, and she realized that she had put her head down on her folded arms, cushioning it from the hardwood of the desk. She tried to compose herself quickly, reaching in her purse at her feet for the small compact mirror. She flipped it open, and she made sure that she didn't look sleep hazed. Satisfied, she finally called, "come in!"

The door opened, and Wilson popped his head in the crack. "Is everything okay?" he asked in wide-eyed innocence.

"Yeah," she answered, a little taken aback by his question. "Do you need something?"

"Uhm, yes," he finally conceded, coming in her office, shutting the door behind him. He walked over to the desk. "About that fundraiser?"

"The one you want to have to raise money to remodel the children's oncology ward?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he answered, grinning nervously.

"Okay," she smiled. "What about it?" she leaned back, folding her hands across her belly, her gray eyes fixed on him.

"Well," he rubbed the back of his neck, his nervousness not easing. "Well," he began again, "I was thinking that we could do a silent auction." His eyes kept falling on her abdomen, under where her hands were folded.

She sighed, rolling her eyes, reading his reactions well; he wasn't trying all that hard to hid them. "House told you," she said, matter of factly, raising her eyebrows at him.

Uh, yes, uhm, no," he stammered, finally caving. "Yeah," he sighed, waiting to be reamed out by his boss.

She waved her hand vaguely. "It's okay. He needed to share the news with someone," she sighed. She brushed a long strand of dark hair out of her eyes. "I'm worried about him, too," she admitted.

"You are?" Wilson asked, astonished.

She gave him a look. "Of course I am," she smiled wearily. "This is a big change. For both of us." A dark shadow clouded her features. "He really doesn't handle change very well." She exhaled slowly. "I'm worried that he might do something stupid," she said softly, thinking about the not-so-distant past. The too close for comfort past. "Like he did the last time."

Wilson's head snapped up. "Last time?" he asked, puzzled.

She hadn't realized that she had spoken aloud. "I mean, he's always been known to..." She tried to explain herself, faltering over her words. "He'll always act..." she trailed off, the words not forming.

Wilson was able to piece it together easily. "You're pregnancy last fall wasn't from IVF, was it?" he asked, his look wide-eyed and vacant as his brain worked to complete the puzzle. He kept his tone gentle. "It was House's baby, wasn't it?" he asked, softly.

Cuddy bit her lip, wondering how much she should reveal. "I..." she hesitated, swallowing as she chose her words. "I was starting IVF," she began. "He was helping me with the ** injections."

"And some other injections?" Wilson asked archly.

She gave him a dark look. "He'd been ridiculing me over some of my possible donor choices." She drew in a deep breath. "He told me to pick someone I liked."

"And you picked him?" Wilson was dubious. "So he was – is – just your sperm donor?"

"Yes. No?" she sighed, rubbing her temples. "I don't know. It started out like that, then I became pregnant, and he-"

"Panicked?"

"Ran away." She gave Wilson a dirty look. "He made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the baby, or me, and I wasn't going to force the issue." She began to toy with a ring on her index finger; a gift from her mother, making sure she didn't look at him. "Then I miscarried," she said, softly, shaking her head and closing her eyes. "It was painful, for both of us, I think," she whispered.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Wilson studied her closely.

She pressed her lips together in a thin line while her brows furrowed together in thought. "I'll go on, one day at a time," she said finally, her gray eyes opening and looking deep into Wilson's. "It would be easier if House would cooperate, but," she said with a wry grin, "that would like wishing for an interesting one of these." She held up a performance review.

Wilson chuckled, though his own thoughts were churning. It bothered him, how much happiness House had dropped into his lap, if only he would open his eyes and see it. He nodded in understanding. "I'll be there if you need any help."

She gave him a small smile. "I know." She plucked an ivory colored folder from a pile on her desk. "Now, about that fundraiser..."