Life After You [A Trilogy] – The Past

Last time we talked, the night that I walked

Burns like an iron in the back of my mind

I must've been high to say you and I

Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time

Oh, why did I ever doubt you?

You know I would die here without you…

Grimmjow liked watching Ichigo sleeps. The peaceful face of the teen somehow relaxed him, made him forget all the troubles, took him away from all the violence that he thought he loved, the violence that was supposed to be a part of him but it was not entirely true at all.

He never thought he would be able to meet Ichigo like this day after day. If it weren't due to the fact that soul society had been able to deal a major blow to Aizen's army, enough that it had put the haughty overlord in a position that had him rethinking his plans—who would have thought it could happen—Grimmjow wouldn't be able to roam the real world freely like this, Tosen and Ulquiorra, aka his watchdogs, too busy with their increased responsibilities to pay him any mind.

Although it should have pissed Grimmjow off that he was deemed too unreliable to actually be placed with any important duties, Grimmjow was far from angry. In fact, he thought it was the stupidest, yet favorable, thing Aizen or anybody could ever do for him. He now had free time. And as long as he wasn't causing any ostentatious uproar or loud disturbances that would stick him under the radar of Las Noches or Soul Society, Grimmjow was left alone to do whatever he pleased.

It had got to be the most satisfying feeling any person could have.

"Grimmjow?"

The sexta snapped his head forward at the call, his musing disappearing quickly at the sight of Ichigo grumpily blinking sleep from his eyes and looking at him with a disapproving frown.

"Shinigami," he returned the call, a slight nod to his head. Then a smirk.

And this was how they greet each other when they couldn't do so with their fists, with curt acknowledgements and short "What the fuck are you doing here?" and "Get out of my room" from the teen's part.

Even though it was so normal for them, to talk when they couldn't fight, to find enjoyment in the close proximity of each other's presence, Grimmjow was initially surprised that he was fine with the situation as it was. He didn't hope for more and he didn't regret their meetings. What came as a shock to him was the fact that he found his pride oddly intact, without even a hurtful scratch on the ball of ego or his arrogant ways, even when he was taking comfort in their encounters.

These things were supposed to make him seem weak, to render him into a harmless "house cat," a term that Ichigo liked to use as an insult whenever he got annoyed at him, a term that Grimmjow hated but also found endearing coming from the teen and coming from the teen alone. If anyone else were to come that close to offending him with stupid nicknames like that, well, he'd have one for them too, and it'd be "Six-feet-under."

Ha. Six.

He had taken a liking to that human expression. It basically had "Owned by Grimmjow Jaegarjaqeus" written all over it.

"What do you want?" Ichigo's tone was snappish. Grimmjow sneered at the teen but assumed that last night's hollow attacks probably took a lot of energy out from Ichigo. He would know. He was there, but more as a spectator than anything, even as Ichigo was yelling at him to get his ass up from the swings and help.

And no, he was not swinging; he was sitting there because there was nowhere else to sit, considering that Ichigo pretty much damaged the park's benches and anything else within a 100 meter radius beyond repair.

The shinigamis would just fix them up later, so it wasn't his or even the teen's concern, though shorty did sometimes stop by to give the berry an earful whenever he had gone overboard, and while that amused Grimmjow somewhat, he didn't appreciate the damn woman taking Ichigo's time away from him.

His time with Ichigo was already short as it was.

And Grimmjow knew this wasn't going to last forever, whatever this was.

Grimmjow had to admit he had grown spiteful of Ichigo somewhere along the way, perhaps in the middle of their brief timeline of planned spars and late night visits. He didn't know why, but he just seemed to realize something one day, and for a while, things had gone nowhere but downhill for both of them.

As always, it was him who started it, and it made Ichigo scowl in a way that Grimmjow never saw before.

"So, you're going to simply leave?" the orange-haired teen asked with a twitch on his lips that Grimmjow could see was forced to be as inconspicuous as possible. Ichigo was irritated. Grimmjow had learned every facial expression, every small and typical habits of the teen that would have been lost to others but not to him.

The muscles around his shoulder and neck tightened, his own frustration twisting under the movement, and Grimmjow was sure that Ichigo saw through that very angry demeanor he wore to hide his internal struggle.

Grimmjow wasn't used to someone knowing him so much, so intimately, that he let out a growl Ichigo wanted to mistake for violent urges coming from the man, but he knew it was something else. And Grimmjow refused to tell him.

"Why should I stay?" The words cut through his throat as sharply as it did Ichigo's heart, and Grimmjow could hear the sound of something breaking from far away, somewhere deep and coming from his own hollow hole.

The hole wasn't located on his chest, or where his heart should lie, but it still held something important, a place where he had lost something, his soul maybe, but whatever it was, he had gotten that something back because of Ichigo.

And now, he was tearing it out again.

"There's a limit to how naïve you can be, shinigami," Grimmjow claimed. A weariness that wasn't quite there before now settled on his body, and it was heavy, too heavy. Grimmjow let out a sigh. "This is it. This is the limit. We're at war, and I'm going to fight you for real eventually." He turned to look at Ichigo, realizing that for the majority of this interaction, he hadn't once truly met the teen's eyes, afraid of losing his resolve to end the happiness that was going to die sooner or later anyway. He just chose sooner.

"Someone is going to die." He let the words hang there for Ichigo to predict and prepare for what was coming next.

Wanting to close his eyes but knew he shouldn't, Grimmjow stared right into the brown orbs that had the ability to always straighten him out whenever he was stuck with a problem, whenever he had the tendency to kill, whenever Ichigo wanted to.

And when the thought occurred to him, Grimmjow knew he had fallen hard. He also wasn't sure whether he could pick himself back up without leaving a piece or two behind.

"It sure as hell isn't going to be me."

Suddenly overcame by the idea of leaving before hearing the teen's voice, Grimmjow sharply turned his heels and faced the window. But it wasn't fast enough, because within seconds, Ichigo already knew what to say, even though Grimmjow was hoping he had left him in shock, or at least impeding anger, long enough for him speed off.

"Get out."

Ichigo's tone was smooth and calm. There was no crack in the words. It was resolute, and immediately Grimmjow leaving was not his own will anymore. From two simple words, it made Grimmjow's intention of a sonido seem out of place, like he was running away or commanded to do so, not because it was his choice.

He assumed it was the teen's aim, to rouse him, to nick at his pride. If he were to leave now, his pride would be shattered. Both Pantera and his instinct urged him to stay and fight it out with the teen, unable to take the insult.

Instead, Grimmjow gritted his teeth and jumped out the window without glancing back, all the while reasoning that he was going to teach Emotion and Feelings a lesson before anything else. One step at a time.

Grimmjow just couldn't bother to deal with the teen right now, not when he had himself to fight with first.

Ultimately, Grimmjow died.

Not in a physical sense of the word, no. He was in conflict with himself when he returned to Las Noches, and the ball of guilt that had been lodged somewhere deep in his brain was there to stay.

Eventually, it reached a point where Grimmjow wanted to kill everything in sight. This included himself whenever he saw the familiar shade of blue of his hair and eyes in any kind of reflective surfaces, colors that seemed to become duller and darker each passing day.

So, he attempted to kill the part of him that was still prodding him to go back to the human world, to Kurosaki Ichigo, to the half-human-half-shinigami that wouldn't leave his mind alone.

Grimmjow just refused to think about the teen for a couple of days.

It couldn't be done without the help of Ulquiorra and Nnoitra, of course, so he would have to eventually thank them, though he knew they wouldn't appreciate such gestures given that he viewed them as recipients of (for Ulquiorra) his irksome remarks and (for Nnoitra) his fists.

And because he was brooding—not that he would ever admit that really—Grimmjow came back from annoying the two higher ranking espadas with more bruises, both mental and physical, than he had hoped.

This was his version of alcohol. Because liquor was for the weak.

And it did make him forget, though. For a while.

This was up until he was sent back to the human world one day, Tosen finally coming up with something for him to do—that blind bastard—to go stir up trouble for the shinigamis situated there. Apparently that was all he was capable of in Tosen's eyes—ha!

He cracks himself up sometimes.

But, really, Grimmjow knew he was assigned this "mission" more to keep him busy than to kick around some low ranking shinigamis. The captains were all back in soul society now that they have more time to plan for an attack of their own instead of being on the defense all the time like before. And Aizen obviously wanted Grimmjow out of his hair as well since he had been doing nothing useful but causing ruckus everywhere he went.

This wasn't about them, though. It wasn't even about him.

It was always Ichigo.

Yet, Grimmjow continued to be pissed off about a certain situation he refused to acknowledge has anything to do with a certain substitute shinigami. It was getting on everyone's nerves. It was getting on his nerves!

When he stepped out of the garganta, the sky was now a brilliant shade of dark blue and orange. With the day fading away and the night slowly seeping in through the seams, Grimmjow couldn't help but think about all the times he visited the teen, now that he found himself in front of the Kurosaki clinic.

They never got a chance to hang out during the day for obvious reasons, and Grimmjow himself wouldn't like the prospect of it either way, the sun being too hot for someone who lived under the cold moon of Las Noches every night and day, and the street being overcrowded by humans he never wished to make contact with, no matter how accidental.

Grimmjow approached his usual entrance with caution, a hesitation he never knew he possessed before freezing his movements briefly before he scoffed at himself and made a move to open the window.

He had expected it to be locked, a sign that he was deemed forever an uninvited guest, but the window was, oddly, not. In fact, it was even left open. Grimmjow found it encouraging, but the frown still marred his face. He was the one who walked out. And now he was coming back…really, just like a domesticated house cat.

That thought alone stopped him from stepping inside the room. His pride didn't allow him to be in such a state. What weakness. How upsetting. He was a panther, not a cat. He was free, not chained. That's what he was right now, wasn't it? Chained. Held back.

Grimmjow scowled. If he made a decision, then he should stick with it. No going back. Ever. He could never take back those words, after all. Doing so would not hurt only his pride, but the damned teen's as well. It wasn't fair to either of them. For Ichigo to forgive him so easily.

For Grimmjow to expect he would be able to come back and everything would be fine.

"Grimmjow?"

The voice shook him from his own mindless thoughts and mental conflict. He never knew that his resolve could be so shaken with just one word—no, his resolve was entirely broken with just one word.

He wanted so badly to grind his teeth.

Grimmjow had been ready to leave when Ichigo's face greeted him. Not from inside the room, but outside the teen's home. And Grimmjow had to wonder how long Ichigo had been there.

He was quick to recompose himself and narrowed his eyes, the usual sneer back on his lips when he finally spoke. "Shinigami?" Grimmjow eyed the man without much interest. "You still alive, huh?"

At this, Ichigo answered back with a frown of his own, and it was different than the one he always wore, misplaced and filled with confusion. "Oh? I thought that should be my line?" His lips tugged down even further in an attempt to show the utmost displeasure. Ichigo hoped it would be passable because honestly, he was nothing but shocked at the moment. "Months of absence and now you show up, I thought I was going to have to set up a grave for you."

Grimmjow laughed. "I didn't know you care, shinigami."

Ichigo scoffed. "No one else will. Asshole that you are."

They were back in the same pace, arguing, mocking each other, and it was the closest they have been for a long time. Grimmjow couldn't help but smirked mentally at the flow of conversation, and Ichigo couldn't help but smiled in the same way at the never changing, arrogant man.

"I'm surprised Aizen didn't dispose of you the moment you went back." Ichigo appeared jaded. "Or at the very least cut off your arm. Again."

An eyebrow lifted up in both irritation and amusement. "As far as anyone knows, I haven't done anything caustic in the human world—."

"You using big words now?"

"Shut up and listen to me, why don't cha?"

Ichigo scowled. "All I hear is barking, so I don't know why I should stop talking."

"You…" Grimmjow's lips twitched in frustration. "You've gotten cheeky, haven't you?"

"I don't know, maybe," Ichigo shrugged. "Did you become more of an asshole?"

"Look, brat, I don't want to hear that coming from you."

Ichigo narrowed his eyes. "I wasn't the one who walked out, Grimmjow."

Suddenly the atmosphere seemed tenser, a heavy weight in the air settled down around the two and Grimmjow was sure this wasn't how he meant for it to go. In fact, they weren't even supposed to see each other again, not like this. They were only supposed to fight in the battlefield, nothing more, nothing less.

And then one of them would die.

Grimmjow watched the teen and took in the fury he saw in the brown eyes. His own rage at the teen's words dwindled down into ashes as he glared into the shinigami's soul. If he wasn't fooling himself, Grimmjow would think the only thing he saw was hurt and betrayal. Surely, Ichigo wouldn't be angry at him because of sorrow alone. It was selfish for him to think that.

Grimmjow wasn't the victim here. He never had been. But neither was Ichigo. Ichigo was too strong for the word. For Grimmjow to call the teen as such was disrespectful, and if Ichigo were ever a victim, Grimmjow would never have obsessively sought him out so much.

He would never have grown to love him so damn much.

Grimmjow blinked.

Love?

That was something…new. He hadn't considered that. Why did he use that word just now?

"Grimmjow."

The espada didn't pay any heed to the call. He barely even heard it. The only thing echoing in his head right now were questions and a strong feeling throbbing around his hollow hole. It wasn't entirely painful, but the feeling was resilient. He couldn't ignore it. It wasn't something that went away like a battle wound or became numb after a while due to blood loss. It slowly moved up to his chest, and it still throbbed in that non-painful way it did and Grimmjow didn't know what it was.

He didn't like it.

He didn't like that he didn't like it.

"Grimmjow!"

The teen's voice was loud now, a shout from far away, but when Grimmjow looked up, Ichigo was too close, closer than before. Grimmjow never noticed his gaze left the teen at all, but when he did, he also saw that Ichigo's expression changed. And it wasn't into something worse.

And so he had to ask.

"Shinigami."

Just like that, when Grimmjow's voice returned, Ichigo's scowl came back as well. "What?" A solid, sturdy response.

"You left the window open."

"Yeah?" There was a pause in between.

Grimmjow watched Ichigo, a steady gaze this time with a concentration that wouldn't be given to anything else, not even the reiatsu that seemed to be approaching them with concerning speed, not even when Ichigo finally realized that fact and tried to postpone the issue.

"Grimmjow, someone's coming—."

"Like I give a fuck."

"Grimmjow—."

"Why did you leave the window like that?" He continued without letting the teen's gripes bothering him. "You told me before. That you keep it locked all the time, even after the woman starts staying with you."

"What's with this?" Ichigo raised a confused eyebrow at the words.

"Were you expecting someone?"

"What? No."

"Then why you left it open?"

"I was out hunting hollows, if you haven't noticed," Ichigo answered briskly. "I must have forgotten about it. Besides, I do have to come back in when I'm done, you know."

Ichigo scoffed at the triviality of the question, but Grimmjow could hear a crack in the teen's usually more than confident tone. It made Grimmjow more eager to push on.

"Bullshit. You always told me to close the damn window as to not raise suspicion or some crap. Prude that you are, you wouldn't forget something like this."

"I—."

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Grimm—."

"You were waiting for someone. Don't you dare lie."

At this point, Ichigo merely narrowed his eyes at the accusations and refused to say more. It wouldn't matter anyway. His words wouldn't convince Grimmjow otherwise, adamant that he was. And after all…

Ichigo wanted to sigh in frustration.

Silence, and Grimmjow continued because this was the end of their charade.

"That window was open for me."

…After all, what Grimmjow suspected was true. He had to applaud the espada's intuition, if that was intuition at all, really.

Eventually, Ichigo sighed out loud and clutched his head. For some reason, it hurt real badly.

His heart didn't anymore, though. Ichigo wanted to wonder why, even though he obviously knew the reason.

"Shinigami," Grimmjow said.

No answer, so he called out again.

"Ichigo."

It felt like a huge weight was lifted off his body immediately with just the teen's name alone. Grimmjow felt better. That was saying a lot, he supposed. After months of destroying parts of Las Noches and getting into fights with Ulquiorra and Nnoitra just to get his mind off the teen and end his violent grieving, saying the teen's name and feeling practically at ease seemed like an anticlimactic solution to his turmoil.

But he was fine with that.

"Grimmjow."

The espada smirked. "Yeah?"

Ichigo scowled at the cockiness radiating off the man.

"Get the hell inside before you wake the whole neighborhood up."

Grimmjow laughed. "I'm sure we're gonna wake them up anyway tonight—."

"IN!"

It shouldn't be this easy. Truly, happiness shouldn't be something that could be obtained so easily like this for a hollow who knew nothing but darkness all his life.

But it was.

A/N: I'm back :) and this trilogy is finally finished. I just need to upload the last chapter and we're done! And since I'm leaving for college soon, "The Present" Chapter-which was actually finished before "The Past" and I was just waiting to get off this writer's block and finish this chapter-is going to come sooner than you think. Happy Reading! and remember, R&R!