Ah, late night convos about Twilight
Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga presents part 2
ft. my best friends, Voxy and Cordial Craig
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Voxy: Shall we discuss the Pedowolf, i mean seriously, who falls in love with vampire spawn baby?
Major Dover: That sh*t is only suppose to be on HBO at night, not in a childrens book.
Voxy: Its quite disturbing. Imagine Jacobs thoughts when the demon spawn becomes of age, he thinks nasty things
Cordial Craig: Yea Edward is sitting there, reading a newspaper, being an old grouchy bitch, when he starts to hear Pedowolf picturing his daughter naked
Voxy: Revolting. I bet Edward goes apesh*t too, like "Jacob, could you please not think of my beautiful perfect daughter that way, techinally she is only seven, even though she looks 18"
Major Dover: "Yes, Jacob I know she looks of age, but shes still a child, I don't know why Jacob, ask Stephenie Meyer"
Voxy: You know Emmett just thinks this is hilarous. He gets LULZ out of it.
Major Dover: Oh yea, he just sitting there watching Pedowolf make goo goo eyes at the demon spawn, while Edward looks murderous.
Voxy: I bet you he provokes Edward even more like "Hey Edward, did you know that Jacob was touching Nessies boob today, lulz, guy doesn't even know how to grab one properly"
Cordial Craig: Yea him and Jasper constantly f*ck with Edward over Jacob and Nessie, they probably take pictures of Nessie and Jacob on dates and paste them all over Edwards room, and add captions like "Jacob is seen here, slipping Nessie the tongue"
Major Dover: It makes Edward so furious to the point he breaks like Emmetts favorite game, and then curses himself to hell for letting himself get out of control, then locks his self in his room as a punishment
Voxy: "I must punish myself, for I am a monster with no control, leave me to wallow in my darkness!"
Major Dover: Emmett just stands in the hallway like "Yo bro, I got a ton more games, come out, you've been in there for a week listening to that Owl City sh*t, it's starting to scare me"
Cordial Craig: He totally listens to Taylor Swifts when he is feeling all emo and sh*t
Voxy: "He is the reason for the teardrops on my guitarrrr!", Emmett is like "Dude, shut the hell up already! No one blames you"
Cordial Craig: You know, the only time he wasn't emo was when he "fell in love" with Bella
Major Dover: I could see him skipping home with rainbows,butterflies and unicorns surrounding him, "Lalalalalalalalalaalalalalala I'm in love, I'm in LOOVVVEEEEE!"
Voxy: He comes home and starts giving out like free hugs, Emmett and Jasper are like "dude, stay the f*ck away from me" and Rosalie just punches him in the balls
Cordial Craig: "Oh, my dear sweet loving family...and Emmett...I have finally found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with"
Voxy: Emmett just snickers "Buying a blow up doll doesn't count as finding your true love"
Major Dover: Then Emmett and Jasper do a high five
Voxy: Edward is too "in love" to care, he is like "Today, I will look past your immature deeds, Emmett, for I have found Gods greatest gift, in the form of Bella Swan..." and he just goes into a long epic love tangent speech
Major Dover: After 2 hours even Alice and Esme have to stop listening to him and kindly sneak out. Emmett left like...an hour and 55 minutes ago, Jasper left about 10 minutes after that.
Cordial Craig: Rosalie didn't even bother staying she left as soon as Edward came in all happy and sh*t
Voxy: You know Esme,Alice and Carisle supported him about Bella, Rosalie and Jasper were agaisnt it and Emmett just really didn't care like "Bro, I'm glad you found a GIRL in all, but could you please stop belting out "Can you feel the love tonight" it's starting to scare away the local wildlife"
Major Dover: Haha, I can totally see him like screeching love songs as they hunt, and Emmett and Jasper are getting pissed because it's scaring away all the deer and bears and sh*t
Cordial Craig: "EDWARD! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP THAT HORRIBLE SOUND THAT IS COMING FROM YOUR MOUTH, IT IS DESTROYING MY EARS AND SCARING AWAY MY DAMN DINNER!" rraaggeee!
Major Dover: "EMMETT I AM IN LOVE! HOW CAN YOU NOT EXPECT ME TO SING OUT MY FEELINGS?"
Voxy: Jasper just stands there, f*cking with Edwards emotions to make him like depressed and emo again
Major Dover: "Jasper!, Do not think I do not know what you are doing!"
Cordial Dover: Then fed up with him, Emmett and Jasper tie Edward up to a tree with like steel chains and leave him there with duct tape on his mouth
Major Dover: Ha. I bet you that Emmett teased Edward about stalking Bella at night, watching her sleep
Voxy: "Listen Edward, your a vampire, not a pedophile, you can't go around sneaking into peoples window and watch them sleep, you know her dad is like a po po right?"
Major Dover: "Do not be so crude Emmett, I only go into her room because I find her sleeping fasinating"
Cordial Craig: "Bro, you can watch people sleep on TV, in real life, it's just f*cking creepy"
Voxy: "It tis not creepy for a man in love to watch his dearest one slumber under the skies at night, it is romantic Emmett"
Major Dover: Edward go so fed up with Emmett calling him a pedo that he left in sobs and went to watch Bella take poop
Voxy: Edward probably watches Bella do everything. Like shaving her armpit hair, taking a shower, plucking her eyebrows, stuff like that
Cordial Craig: He probably peeps in the window "Oh, Bella" he whispers to himself "so lovely the way you shave your body hair, such gentle strokes, you truly are a remarkable creature"
Voxy: When he comes come home from watching Bella, Emmett and Rosalie are having hot sex and making loud nosies to piss of Edward
Major Dover: "Do not think I cannot hear you Emmett, you sound like a sick walrus, it is not going to annoy me tonight since I have just watched a most beautiful creature sleep and dream"
Cordial Craig: And Emmett yells back "PEDOPHILE!" and resumes making loud walrus sex noises, like shaking the whole house
Major Dover: Edward stomps to his room and blares Snow Patrol and writes in his pink unicorn dairy. LULZ
Voxy: "Dear Diary, today I watched Bella pluck her nose hairs, it made me cry, it was so beautiful"
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Are you not entertained?
More LULZ in our next feature, till then, feel free to review, even if you hate it.
Cia~Major Dover, Voxy & Cordial Craig