Cordial Craig, Major Dover and Foxy present
Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga part 3
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Cordial Craig: So, the little imp, Alice, she has visions right? Well I wonder if she has visions of like peoples sex life
Voxy: What a disturblingly interesting thought. It's like "Ok, so today Emmett and Rosalie will have hardcore sex and break down Edwards wall"
Major Dover: Haha Edward is all pissed like "Why are Emmett and Rosalie making love in my room? Do they not have a room of there own?"
Voxy: Ha, yea, Edward totally calls it love making when all the others call it sex, or in Emmetts case "scrumdaliumptious F*cking"
Major Dover: "Oh my Emmett, must you use foul language?" Edward gets all prissy about Emmetts cussing
Cordial Craig: "Must you be so gay Eddie?"
Voxy: "DON'T CALL ME THAT! IT'S EDWARD, EDWWWAAARDDD! NOT EDDIE, DAMMIT EMMETT YOU ARE SO IMMATURE"
Major Dover: Then he covers his mouth, because he swore 'Oh no, oh no, I do hope I haven't offened any of you with my foul languege, Emmett just brings out the worst in me"
Voxy: "I must go wash my mouth out with soap, No, Esme, i must, for I need to punish myself"
Major Dover: Edward goes into the bathroom and then all the other Cullens hear him screaming "Oh, it burns, IT BURNS, IT BURNS HOT ON MY TONGUE, IT IS WASHING AWAY THE FILTH IT HAS PRODUCED"
Cordial Craig:Jasper is like "Should someone go check on him?" as Edwards screams fill the house
Voxy: "Oh the burn in my mouth, it is cleaning away the sin, THE SIN!"
Cordial Craig: Pretty soon the nieghbors who live like 5 miles away come knocking and ask if there is a woman being murdered.
Voxy: Oh dear, you know Edward is like an epic perfectionist too, stomping around the house all day, cleaning things that don't need to be cleaned
Major Dover: "I must scrub every inch of this house, for it is filthy, so filthy"
Voxy: He owns like a red cleaning apron and wears it around, Emmett silently heckles him behind his back.
Cordial Craig: "Emmett, I can read your mind, I know you are making jokes at my expenese, and could you please stop?"
Voxy: Emmett just burst out laughing and intentionally leaves his dirty clothes around the house
Major Dover: "Emmett! I have found yet another pair of your digusting socks, we are vampires Emmett, not dirty hogs, clean up after yourself"
Voxy: Emmett starts to leave his boxers around the house and just for good measure, puts like mud in them so it looks like skid marks
Cordial Craig:" YOU HAVE SOILED YOURSELF, AND LEFT IT WHERE IT COULD INFECT THE ENTIRE HOUSE, DO YOU WISH FOR YOUR FAMILY TO CATCH SALMAMONELLA? DO YOU?"
Major Dover: "Oh chill out bro, it's mud, see?" and then he puts some in his mouth
Voxy: Edward nearly faints at this "did...did...you just put that,,,,i-in your ...mouth?"
Cordial Craig: He then wipes some on Edwards face and shirt. Oh Eddie gets all sorts of pissed
Voxy: "This is a new shirt...h-how...how could you?...I don't even..."
Major Dover: He then calls for Esme "Mother, this is the last straw, he has wiped this gunk on me and has soiled his trousers, I AM THROUGH WITH HIM!"
Voxy: Edward then decides to leave for a week "I must get away from Emmett, he will be the death of me"
Cordial Craig: Emmett doesn't care "whatever bro, just so you know, when your gone, I'm going to use your room to practice my kung-fu"
Voxy: Edward then proceeds to heavy duty lock his room with barb wire and steel chains and sh*t
Major Dover: He comes home in a week all refreshed "I am home!"
Voxy: Haha he goes into his room, nothing seems to be out place, and then Emmet comes in grinniNG like an idiot.
Major Dover: "Hello Emmett, how are you brother? I hope you have matured over this past week" Emmett just nods and walks away. Then the other Cullens hear a scream from above
Voxy: "EMMETT! WHY HAVE YOU LABLED ALL MY CDS "GAY FAIRY MUSIC", AND DE-ALPHABITZED THEM?"
Cordial Craig: Emmett just falls over laughing, "Welcome home bro"
Voxy: Edward locks himself in his room and sobs, "OH, WHY MUST I PUT UP WITH EMMETTS SHENNIGANS?"
Major Dover: He comes out like 5 hours later, calmed down "Ok, I have decided to put this behind me Emmett, I am sorry I screamed at you"
Cordial Craig: Emmett isnt listening, he has headphones in singing "Your love is my drug" by Kesha
Major Dover: "Because your love, your love is my drug!" Edward just stands there like O.O
Voxy: He then proceeds to start "partying boying" Edward, who runs way in terror
Cordial Craig: you know Emmett sends Edward retarded text messages like "whattzz crackalackin bro, you still being a beoyootch?"
Voxy: Edward is all formal over text like "After deciperhing your text lingo, I am fine, and please do not use that word Emmett, it is a dirty word"
Major Dover: Emmett just texts back "F*ck,sh*t,B*tch,assmonkey,titties,damn hippos," stuff like that
Cordial Craig: Imagine if Bella was in one of Emmetts classes, like Chemistry or something, I bet you he would mess with her so bad
Major Dover: "Hey ...you...Bella...are and my brother screwing yet? you know he is a virgin right? be gentle with him" and everyone would be staring at them
Cordial Craig: Bella would be like beet red, mumbling something no one can hear
Voxy: "HEY BELLA SWAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I SAID ARE AND MY BROTHER F*CKING YET? HE IS STILL A VIRGIN" he screams at her
Major Dover: The next everybody is laughing at Edward, "Emmett, why is everybody referring to me as the 40-year old virgin?"
Major Dover: Emmett would be like the greatest uncle in the world, the lochness monster is lucky to have him as one
Voxy: In a way I'm jealous of Nessie for having an Uncle Emmett..he would teach her so many life skills
Major Dover: "Ok Demon spawn, this is how you pwn noobs on Call of Duty"
Voxy: Edward gets all pissy, "I told you you Emmett, do not call her Demon Spawn!"
Cordial Craig: "Cmon Edward, your spawn needs to learn how to beat some nooblet ass"
Voxy: Edward is outraged "Do not use such filthy words infront of my daughter!"
Major Dover: Haha I bet you the spawn owns Emmett at a video game and Emmett is like all pissed off
Voxy: "Edward, I don't know how but your demon spawn cheats, there is no way she can kick my ass at my own game"
Cordial Craig: "Emmett, how can accuse Renesemme of cheating, she is only a child"
Major Dover: "Bullsh*t,bullsh*t!, she does that freaky touch your face thing, it's creepy Edward, she is not a child, she is a cheater, cheater, cheater pumpkin eater!"
Voxy: And then the spawn starts to cry and Edward is pissed off again
Cordial Craig: "I hope you are happy Emmett, you have made poor Nessie cry, do you like to see your niece cry?"
Major Dover: "She shouldn't have cheated Edward, cheaters deserve to feel guilty and cry"
Voxy: "Oh my lord Emmett, she beat you at a game of Candy Land, do you really feel the need to win at everything?"
Major Dover: "She f*cked me over at the gumdrop bridge Edward, she was on blue, ON BLUE!, and then when I turned around she was on red, ON RED EDWARD!"
Cordial Craig: Emmett gets so mad at this point, he tosses over the table that they were playing on, and the game pices fly everywhere
Major Dover: "Emmett, you truly are a sore loser"
Voxy: Emmett would teach the spawn how to piss off her own dad, like messing with his Cds and sh*t, oh it seriously piss of Edward to no end
Major Dover: "So spawn, here's how it's going to go down, when your dad goes out hunting, run up to his room and just f*ck around with his Cds, put them all out of order, you got that spawn?"
Voxy: Edward comes back, "Emmett, I sense there is something that is wrong around here"
Major Dover: "I think you been hitting the deers blood a little too hard Edward, there is nothing going on in here"
Cordial Craig: "Emmett...where is Nessie at?"
Voxy: "I don't know, I don't keep track of your spawn Edward"
Major Dover: Edward goes apesh*t and frantically searches the house for Nessie, finally finds her in his bedroom
Voxy: "Oh, Nessie, I'm so glad you are safe, and...w-wait...why are all my CD's in a pile on the floor?"
Major Dover: From up above you hear "EMMETT, WHAT DID YOU TELL NESSIE TO DO?"
Cordial Craig: Oh, you know Edward is mad as f*ck, "Emmett, how could you? Teaching my perfect daughter such horrible habits?"
Major Dover: "Well she got really angry when I tried to superglue her fingers together, so I told her to go f*ck with your CDs"
Voxy: You know Emmett does like the the most random things too, stuff any normal human or vampire wouldn't think of
Major Dover: Emmett texts Eddie "Yo, Edward, don't forget to bring the Vodka"
Voxy: "I thought we were going to Mcdonalds Emmett?"
Major Dover: "We are :)"
Cordial Craig: Haha, he would ask Rosalie the dumbest questions like "Can we hire a DJ to play while we have sex?"
Voxy: Lulz. Emmett and Jasper text each other like two tween girls
Major Dover: Emmett texts like "I'm at the bar with Edward right now, what should I do?"
Voxy: Jasper texts back "Humiliate him"
Cordial Craig: Rosalie would text Edward sh*t like "I love wearing low cut shirts to class, when I get bored ,I can look down and admire my breasts"
Voxy: Alices text would sound like "Today, the weather will be nice enough for you to stalk Bella to class, and Emmett is going to try to shank your pants again"
Major Dover: Oh lord, I fell off my chair laughing, what kind of phone do you think Edward owns?
Cordial Craig: a VIRGIN mobile.
Voxy: Ha, BAZINGA! Could you imagine Edward and Emmett having to hunt together?
Major Dover: It would probably end in Edward running away in tears and locking himself up in room for a week or so.
Cordial Craig: Emmett is THE MAN, he is like the frat boy of the Cullen House and Jasper is his loyal sidekick.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Authors Note: We are not Stephenie Meyer
Ready for part 4? soon my kiddies, soon
Cia `Major Dover,Voxy,Cordial Craig