Voxy, Cordial Craig and Major Dover present Comedy Roast of the Twilight Saga: Part 4

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Voxy: You know that fight scene in Eclispe was pretty badass, they were going all Jackie Chan kung-fu on those newbie vampires

Major Dover: Hah, I can hear Emmett now, "All my training on Call of Duty has lead up to this, lets go beat some vampire noob ass!"

Voxy: "Gear on, armor up, let's do this, LLLLEERRROOOYYYYYYY JEEENNKIIINNNNSSSS!"

Cordial Craig: Of course, Edward didn't fight, he had to project Bella, just in case she tripped and like somehow impaled herself with a twig

Voxy: Bella is pretty accident prone, I mean she could be doing homework and stabs herself with a pitchfork, because she just attracts weird sh*t like that

Major Dover: Haha, Edward would totally wrap Bella in bubble wrap if he could get away with it

Voxy: Yea he would try to hold Bella down and wrap her in it like "shhhssshhh, it's ok Bella, it's for your own protection, it will all be over soon"

Cordial Craig: Why do you think Bela is so attracted to Edward in the first place? He looks like a creeper, like Pedoward.

Voxy: Cause he is a vampire duuuhhh, he's all sparkly and sh*t. And he owns a volvo, what's not to love? (insert vomit here)

Major Dover: I bet you Emmett asked Bella the same question like "Why do you like Wardo? He is kinda a flamer, if you know what I mean"

Voxy: Bella would blush, mumble and stumble around until Emmett was even embarrassed for her

Cordial Craig: Like "Ok, sorry I asked, your not going to cut yourself now are you? Your not a cutter right? Cause,well,that ain't goona fly with Wardo"

Voxy: Irrooonnnniiiicccccc

Major Dover: Do you think Edward ever tried out for a sport those 5500 something years he was in school

Voxy: If he did, he would probably like golf or tennis or some gay sh*t like that.

Major Dover: Emmett would play like hardcore football, whilst Edward was listening to Snow Patrol while smacking balls around, you know, tennis.

Cordial Craig: "I play tennis because it is relaxing Emmett, so much unlike football, which is very dangerous, and I do not feel comfortable with men smacking my gluttons"

Voxy: "Just say ass Edward, it's ok" Lulz.

Major Dover: I see could Edward golfing too, with like horrid plaid golfer pants and a gay polo.

Voxy: "I must focus, be the ball, be the ball, focus, foocus, foocccuuuusss...EMMETT I CAN HEAR YOU BEHIND THOSE BUSHES!"

Cordial Craig: "I do not appreciate you making innapproiate nosies whilst I try to hit my golf ball"

Major Dover: "That's not the only balls you hit huh Edward?"

Voxy: "I'm not a homosexual Emmett, just because I like to dress nicely, and not look like a gorilla, like you, Emmett, yes, you look like a hairy gorilla"

Major Dover: Edward comes home from a relaxing day of golfing, finds Emmett browsing the computer.

Voxy: "Emmett, I do hope you are not looking at that filth you call porn"

Cordial Craig: "Duudee, Eddie, did you know they sell midgets on Ebay?"

Voxy: Edward is not amused. Goes off to play some gay piano.

Major Dover: "Hey Rose, babe, whadda think about buying a midget?"

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We are not the author of Twilight.

More to come soon

Cia~ Major Dover, Voxy and Cordial Craig