R&R

29 Palms Marine Base
Base Hospital

Kate Beckett stood in the corridor while the doctor examined Rick and changed his dressing. Lanie was coming down the hall and she was glad her friend was here to interpret the doctor's medical terms and to ask questions she knew Kate needed to know the answers to but wouldn't think to ask.

The doctor walked out and saw Kate and smiled but frowned when he saw Lanie bearing down on him. He liked the little fireball medical examiner but he wished she'd be a little less threatening in her questioning.

"How is he, doctor? Any improvement?"

"Ms. Beckett, it's only been 24 hours since the operation. Even God needed 6 days to make the world." Patients' wives and girlfriends were always the most demanding of improvement, even more so than patients.

"He had a hole in his heart, doctor, and he's still alive. I just need some kind of timeline so I can take a leave of absence from the department. You told Natalie that he couldn't fly for months so I'll need to find a place nearby."

"Uh, it's not my place to criticize the local talent, Ms. Beckett, but you might want to consider San Diego or L.A. if you want top-notch cardiac care, not 29 Palms or even Palm Springs."

Lanie smiled a genuine smile at the doctor and thanked him for his personal integrity. A lot of docs would just look the other way at incompetence of a colleague but not this one. The Marines were lucky to have him and she told him so.

"Just don't repeat it outside this hospital. I'm getting out of the Crotch soon and entering private practice and the local Medical Society already thinks I have horns and a tail."

Kate's cell phone vibrated and she took the call saying to Lanie, "It's Esposito. Maybe they've spoken to Martha and Alexis." Then to Esposito, "Javier, any luck finding Alexis and Martha?"

"Hello to you too, Detective Beckett. Yeah. The embassy somehow got hold of them and they're flying out tomorrow to New York then on to L.A. They'll call you once they get back into civilized territory. I told them just what you told me – that he's alive and doing as well as can be expected."

"Anything else? Want to talk to Lanie?" Lanie glared at Kate but snatched to phone from her hand and walked down to corridor searching for an exit.

Kate took a cleansing breath and walked into Rick's room.

"Hey, Rick, are you awake? I need to tell you some things and then maybe we can just sit and talk like we used to before we go so involved?"

He hated her a little. He told himself this will pass when I don't hurt so damned much but he was afraid, too. What if it isn't transient? What if it's how I really feel now?

There wasn't much he could do so he had no idea what she was going on about. Her voice had a nasal quality he'd never noticed before or was it just his imagination and the drugs?

"Please look at me so I know you're still awake. If you're in any pain, use the management thing and we'll pick up where we leave off later. Please, Rick, I don't want you in any more pain because of me."

She'd unconsciously stressed 'more' in her sentence. He was a wordsmith and knew the subtleties of the spoken and written word. He looked at her with that questioning look that she'd come to associate with impatient curiosity.

"The US Embassy has located your mother and Alexis and they're flying out here to L.A. as soon as they can. I had Esposito lean on some friends because I didn't want them finding out you were dead when you weren't. They'll call as soon as they get someplace civilized."

He hadn't thought about his mother or daughter and if truth be told, he hadn't given any thought to the world thinking he was dead. That surprised him and the more he thought about it, the less like him that it seemed. Beckett seemed to be wrestling with something monumental and he really wasn't up for more of her breast-beating. He was tired even though it hadn't been all that long since he'd slept, aided by his own personal pharmaceutical device.

Her eyes started to fill with tears. This was the really hard part for Kate. Being open and honest about – feelings – especially when she was at fault and needed to sincerely apologize.

"Rick, I've had a lot of boyfriends and I've slept with a few of them, okay, a lot of them – hey, not all that many, really. You were the first one I stayed the night with, the first one I ever woke up next to in the morning and I loved it. You were the first man to wake up in any of my apartments in the morning with me wrapped around him. It just wasn't me, wasn't Kate Becket, who did those things. I always made them leave. But not you. I asked you to stay."

"And now, Rick, I'm asking if I can stay. I'll leave if you want me to. I understand how angry you are with me even if you haven't said you are. I understand how my fears of being hurt, of being betrayed, brought us here, to this point in time."

"I expected you to be just like I thought you were when we first met and when I called and Natalie answered the phone I thought 'yes, he's exactly like I thought he was in the beginning' but I was wrong but never let you explain. I had my evidence and I pronounced you guilty and I lashed out in pain and anger and hurt and betrayal and I hurt you more than I ever dreamed possible and I'm so sorry for what I've done, for being the untrusting bitch I've been."

Castle just looked at her, angry that she would unload all that emotional baggage on him here and now and touched that she cared enough about them to do it.

He started to say something, anything, to stop her rambling because it wasn't necessary but still she kept going on and the more she talked the more he ached for her and the more his heart seemed to ache for real.

"So, Rick, if you want me to leave and go back to New York alone I will. I'll always love you, Rick, but I will understand why it has to be that way. I'll miss you, Rick. I love you with all my heart but sometimes it's not enough, is it?"

"It is enough for me. Stay, Kate, but only if you can throw off all this damned guilt that will kill us if you don't."

He ran out of the strength to speak and just his lips moved trying to say what he felt and she panicked thinking something more was wrong that just the simple fact that he tired so easily.

"Kate!" He tried to shout but it came out as a whisper. He closed his eyes and wondered how long it would be before the nurses stormed into his room, incited by Beckett's panic.

His last thought before he slipped away was that every deep and emotional conversation they'd ever had always been about her.