Back in Volterra after months of seasonal and hormonal changes, the fat lady sings...
In a dark room filled with candles, Jane stabs a thin needle into the arm of a wailing, squirming human.
Jane: (smirks) sing, piggy, sing!
Fat lady: (cries out in pain) you freaky demented child of piss!
Jane: (shrugs and snaps the woman's neck) meh. I don't need your insults. (She rises from her kneeling position and fetches a lighter to set the still mass on fire, watching the flames with interest.) Pretty, bubbling flesh...
From the doorway, Aro stifles a girly shriek. Alec nudges him then shakes his own head in dismay at his sister.
Alec: master?
Aro: she's bloody lost it! Sure, she's a vampire bitch from piss, but since when do we actually get sexual thrills from stabbing overweight people with sharp things? Madness!
Jane: (overhears the boys and snaps) leave me alone you voy eurs!
Aro: eeeps! (He runs off down the corridor in fright.)
Alec: (mumbles) but sister...you need...help! (He suddenly collapses to the floor in pain as Jane used her gift on him.)
Jane: (makes her way to stand threateningly over her brother and whispers seriously) I only need help in finding a new victim, brother...
Aro appears outside Caius's room, knocking like mad. When he gets no answer, he presses his ear to the door in interest.
Athenodora: (exclaims) in the name of the moon I punish you, hehe!
Aro: (to himself) oh dear lord, she's got the WOLVES! (Bursting into the room, Aro lunges at Athenodora and tears her head off) leave my Snow Barbie alone, vile harpy!
Caius: What the hell?
Aro: (grins madly) I saved you! I luffles you!
Athenodora: (wails) he asked me to...dress up...as...as...
Aro: (looks back at Athendora and gasps as he sees her dressed up in a tight white top, frilly blue skirt and pink thigh high boots with her hair in bunches. He facepalms and jumps off her to point at Caius) you perve!
Caius: (shifty eyes) it will take us an hour to get my special Sailor to tongue her head back on. Thanks, cockblocker.
Aro: (raises a brow and backs away from Caius' furious glare) how come you dig Sailor Moon but you hate the Children of the Moon?
Athenodora: (mutters weakly) I have a vag.
Aro: (keeps backing away) of course, of course. I should go. Solve my problem on my own. Bye! (He runs away again, trying not to cry like a girl.) How come everyone in Volterra has odd fetishes at the moment? (He passes by a bulky figure that is caressing the grey stone wall and screams) Felix, not you too?
Felix: argh! (His arms drop to his side and he whirls around to salute Aro) hello Master, need any help?
Aro: no! I don't need any depraved help from a human bull like yourself!
After running for hours and bumping into every member of the Volturi doing something odd, Aro sits in the Volterra fountain, basking in the midnight moon. He flicks the water petulantly. The water flicks back at him, causing his hair to dampen.
Aro: (growls) bitch! It took me an hour to straighten and gloss this morning.
Voice: sorry...
Aro: (exclaims) fhfhfjfjfjjff! Talking water?
The head of a pale woman with bright green eyes and flowing golden hair pops up in the water. An ebony tail rises out of the water and fans in the air.
The mermaid: water can't talk, (mutters under her breath) dumbass.
Aro: (grabs the mermaid by her shoulders and shakes her) since when did a mermaid live here?
The mermaid: (kanye shrugs) since I got dumped here by pirates looking for the fountain of youth.
Aro: (fangirl eyes) it's here?
The mermaid: it was here...but then Jack Sparrow broke it. See, you need to learn to watch the movies, dumbass.
Aro: (huffs) I'm not a dumbass. I'm special!
The mermaid: (raises a brow and sighs) have you ever watched Splash?
Aro: (nods like an eager child)
The mermaid: wanna have sex?
Aro: uurrrmm. (He collapses into the water.)
The mermaid: (prods him until he recovers)
Aro: (dazed) how does that work? They didn't do it in Splash. (On realising he's correct, Aro slaps the mermaid and laughs) oh yeah! Owned hookah! Sex with a mermaid doesn't happen unless they have a fish face and human legs.
The mermaid: (spits water at him) fine then. If you wont try...(she drifts back underwater and anchors herself to the bottom, glaring up.)
Aro: (pouts) oh, I do want to try-
The mermaid: (leaps back up and attaches her lips to Aro's)
Aro: (mentally) oh yeah I'm being a deviant now!
When the dawn comes, Aro rushes back into the castle and strides around, causing the members of the Volturi to look at him curiously.
Jane: (curtsies) you look happier today and I want to apologise for my sadistic, perverted actions.
Aro: (whistles) thank you Jane.
Caius: (grumbles) I'm not sorry for my role play but I am glad you would kill my wife to save me.
Athenodora: (rubs her neck and mutters) next time round, I'm dressing up as Buffy and staking you all.
Aro: (beams) thank you Caius.
Felix: (stammers) and I'm sorry for hugging a wall.
Renata: I apologise for tackle raping a cat.
Heidi: I'm sorry for making out with Sulpicia.
Sulpicia: I'm not sorry for making out with Heidi...I mean...I AM sorry.
Jane: so, why are you happier?
Aro: (kanye shrugs) I did it with a mermaid while she still had her tail. I know the secret of where her chamber of secrets lies, therefore I am the most warped and kinky bastard in this whole place. Thus, I'm happy. Owned! (He skips down the corridor singing "Champion" by Chris Brown.)
Caius: (shakes his head and barks) wifey! You dress up as Sailor Moon again. Sul, you dress as Ariel and Heidi you dress as Buffy cause girls, we are going cartoon crazed kinky! (Pulling out a fake moustache, he sticks it on his upper lip and drawls) itsa me. Mario!