The sun is setting in the sky, Volturi-tubbies say bye bye...

Marcus: (slumped on his throne, he closes a velvet red book) dear viewers, you are about to witness a flashback episode since nothing interesting is going on in the present. Unless you count tearing people's faces off as pure fun. Join me in my past, to the day when, Carlisle Cullen lost his virginity...

Harp music plays and Marcus fades away with his chair. Darkness fills the room for a second until it becomes illuminated with light from the overhead chandeliers. Marcus is now standing in the middle of the marbled throne room, wailing to himself.

Marcus: Didyme. I miss you!

Carlisle (awkwardly walks into the room out of concern) Marcus? Are you...crying?

Marcus: (nods) I miss my wife, new friend with golden hair and hamster features. I miss her smiling face, her touch, her...

Caius: (shouts from outside the room) her sex!

Marcus: (sniffs) get away from here you snow queen...

Caius: (cackles) I will. Back to my sexing. At least you aren't alone in your pained celibacy. Carlisle has never done the deed himself.

Carlisle: (bites his lip and looks away from Marcus) he's joking

Marcus: and I'm a Musketeer. (He waits until he hears Caius' walk away before grabbing Carlisle by the shoulders and exclaiming lowly) you are a virgin?

Carlisle: nay! I've had many a wench.

Aro: (calls out from outside the room lightly) lies. You're a good pastors boy. You never penetrated anything when you are alive and now you are dead, you still wont stick your Cumberland sausage anywhere interesting!

Marcus: (sniffs in irritation) get away from here you queen of the desert!

Aro: (laughs loudly) ha I will! Back to my beloved dungeon...

Carlisle: gah! I want a dungeon...(waits until he hears Aro's skipping footsteps fades before replying passionately) my secret shame. Yes! I'm a virgin. I crave a woman's touch. If you ask me, Aro's touch does nothing for me.

Marcus: it does something for me. (He catches Carlisle's look of repulsion and hastily explains) he reminds me of his sister. Of course Aro gives me little hard ons at my more lonely times.

Carlisle: (shakes his head) what I need is a woman. A decent wholesome woman to marry and have crazy sex with, rawr!

Marcus: you can have premarital sex now that you're technically already damned and doomed.

Carlisle: fair point. Ok then, I need a wild fuck with a random girl with big breasts and bigger brains!

Marcus: good luck! (Watches Carlisle sprint off and then slumps against a wall, wailing) while I stand here and jerk off at my poor dead wifeys memory...

After the break...will Carlisle finally get his end-in? Will Marcus let his hidden lust for Aro come to fruition? And will we ever catch a glimpse of the elusive couple Chelsea and Afton? Find out in 3, 2, 1.

Afton: (sits on the edge of the plaza fountain in the twilight, making out with Chelsea)

Chelsea: mmmm (breaks away) hey! We're finally getting some screentime.

Afton: pffft! In a flashback! We're the ignored members of the Volturi. (Blusters) we're too...normal for this place! We should leave!

Chelsea: (pouts) or we can make out some more and accept our fate as named extras?

Afton: agreed. Let's do passionate ye yonder kissing!

Carlisle races past the couple then doubletracks, returning to stand in front of them, staring.

Carlisle: ye gods! I'm going to become way more popular than those two will ever become so why can't I find someone to kissy face with?

Chelsea: (breaks away from Afton again, muttering) rub. It. In. You'll meet your soulmate sometime in the future and have a beautifully self-righteous heroic coven that could destroy ours in a heartbeat.

Carlisle: true...(sticks out his chest in pride) because I am such a hero. But I want hanky panky art thou loving RIGHT NOW.

Afton: yo man. Try one of the wives. They're pretty laidback.

Carlisle: Aro and Caius would kill me...

Chelsea: and Afton, you're forgetting Sulpicia is a sadistic mare and Athenodora is a baby brained brat. (Smiles warmly at Carlisle) try Heidi. She's pretty sane for a vampire.

Afton: hmhmmm, killer legs too. (Gets hit by Chelsea) ouch!

Chelsea: Carlisle you can try ME if this cretin doesn't stop drooling over Spidey Heidi.

Carlisle: (backs away slightly, afraid of Chelsea's intense anger) ahem, I'll try Heidi, thank you. But why is she called Spidey?

Afton: (smirks slightly) because she has a webbed c- (he is smacked by Chelsea again)

Chelsea: CRETIN! Thou art a villain!

Carlisle: ok, I'll find Heidi, bye! (He rushes away, holding his hands over his ears to drown out the sounds of Afton being knocked into the water)

Fountain Mermaid: vampire vampire mermaid threesome?

Afton: hell yeah!

Chelsea: no! (Shoves the mermaid's head underwater and whispers) Afton, we have to keep this a secret. If Aro knew there was a mermaid here, he would freak out!

Afton: (flails) agreed...

Carlisle reaches Heidi's chambers. He knocks enthusiastically and straightens out his cream waistcoat.

Heidi: (opens the door in a thin white chemise) ello?

Carlisle: (seizes her by the waist and barks) will you make me lose my virginity?

Heidi: (shrugs and smirks wickedly) well I'm game for anything. Haven't you heard?

Carlisle: actually Afton and Chelsea told me...(he breaks off and kisses her neck) nevermind that. To ecstasy! To heaven! (Pushing Heidi into her room, Carlisle turns around and locks the door with a triumphant grin.)

Back in the throne room, Marcus is still caressing himself through muted tears.

Marcus: Did-y-me!

Aro: (enters slowly, twitching nervously) Marcus I'm so sorry I killed your wife!

Marcus: whaaaaaat?

Aro: (shifty eyes and stammers) urm, joke my friend, joke. So I see you were, ahem, jerking off. Mind if I join you? Sul is withholding sex. Again.

The sounds of heavy panting and breathy moans can be heard.

Marcus: (drones grimly) so I see Carlisle is getting his wish. Hats off to him.

Aro: yeah, (sighs wistfully) the lucky devil.

Marcus: when you asked if you can join me, did you mean that you wanted to fondle me or that you wanted to fondle yourself in my company.

Aro: when you put it like that both sound really awful. (Cackles in glee) but I meant the second option. I'm not a gay man.

Marcus: really? (Tries to compose himself) but you're so much like Didyme!

Aro: (replies darkly) that's why I killed her.

Marcus: what?

Aro: I said that's why I KEEP her. In my heart. Forever. Now, urm, goodbye (he slips from the room with a light springing leap).

Marcus: (looks down in dejection)

The scene fades to black and slowly grows in brightness again. Present day Marcus is sitting on his throne again, this time closing the book.

Marcus: and now, viewers, that is the story of how Carlisle lost his virginity. Of course he is now happily married to the homely Esme, who would die if she knew her saintly husband had ravished Spidey Heidi, so please keep this knowledge secret. (Pauses and adds frantically) also please don't tell anyone about my secret unrequited lust for Aro! I'll kill you if you do tell. I will give you some fine velvet slippers if you don't tell! Plea-

The end! Tune in next time to see an actual present day episode.