Welcome back to Chez Me. Tonight we're offering one gross violation of HIPA laws with a side of Jailbait. Please let us know if you need anything at all!

Bella was clearing empties and wondering if she had the guts to go talk to the pianist when Jake came up behind her. "How you holdin' up, Shorts?"

"Just fine," she said, smiling at him. "Good crowd?"

"Good crowd. Those guys aren't bad." He scanned the bar. "They sure brought the hot, horny coeds out to play."

"Mmm. The estrogen is thick in the air."

"So, you look like you're picking things up fine. I was a little worried after your first day. I thought maybe you didn't have the stamina."

"Bite me, Bigfoot," she said indignantly. "I have plenty of stamina for this pansy-ass job."

Jake laughed. "Yeah, I see that now. You're doing great."

"It was a little hard at first. It's been a long time since I worked so much. It took a few days to get used to it."

"Jobs were few in Phoenix?"

She shrugged. "Life happens."

"So, I was wondering." Jake slid into the booth and leaned toward her. He barely had to look up at her from his seated position. "I don't want to cross any lines here, and I really don't want you to feel uncomfortable or anything, but I was wondering if you might let me take you out to dinner sometime. You know, show you around town."

Bella blinked, taken aback. She had not seen this coming.

"It's okay if you're not interested," he said hastily. "I really don't want to make our working relationship awkward or take advantage of you, or anything. You can feel totally free to say no, and we'll just forget the whole thing. I just –"

"Jake!" She giggled a little. "Don't freak out. I'd love to. Thanks for asking me."

"Really?" He perked up. "Because I know I'm your boss and everything, but I'd like to get to know you better –"

"Do you speak English?" she asked him, smiling. "I said I'd love to. I'll have to make sure I get the time off from both my jobs. When do you want to go?"

"Uh…" He seemed at a loss. "Well, you're off tomorrow from here. Are you working your other job?"

"From eight to three. After that I'm good."

"Awesome. How about five o'clock?"

"Perfect. I can take a little nap and a shower." She dug her phone out of her apron and handed it to him. "Plug in your digits, boss man."

He grinned and started tapping keys, eyeing her mischievously. Before she knew what he was up to, he lifted the phone and spoke into it. "Shit! Hide!" he said in a mock whisper. "The boss is coming!"

Bella shrieked with laughter. "Did you give yourself a ringtone? Jake!" She snatched her phone back from him and pulled up her contacts. He had named himself Boss Man.

"Oh, awesome," she said, rolling her eyes. "Now I feel totally comfortable with our relationship."

He looked at her anxiously. "I was just joking, Bella. I wouldn't –"

"Are you always this insecure?" she demanded. "I'm kidding."

"Fine. Five sharp, Shorts, or I'll write you up."

"Got it."

With a grin, he squeezed her arm gently and left her to finish busing the table.

Smiling, she went back to work. How's that for fast work? she thought to herself. You've been in town for two weeks. Considering you haven't had a date for the past two and a half years...

She shot a look over her shoulder and caught sight of Edward talking to the guitar player, whose name she couldn't remember. They were both turned with their backs to her. Sighing, she shrugged to herself. True, she would have preferred if he had asked her out, but Jake was a nice guy - handsome, funny, built like a god. She could definitely do a lot worse.

When she got home at three a.m., she was so exhausted she could barely stand up. Her head was pounding and her feet were killing her. She toed off her shoes, shrugged off her jacket, and collapsed onto the couch. She didn't even turn out the light.

When she dragged her ass into the coffee shop the next morning at eight, running on four hours of sleep, Esme was busy pulling mochas and lattes and running the till. There was a line of four people. Groaning, Bella dumped her stuff off in the back and quickly washed her hands.

"Bella, thank God," Esme said with relief. "Seth called in sick this morning. Sounded like the vodka flu to me. Get me a large cap with two shots, will you?"

"Only if I get to keep it for myself," Bella said seriously.

"I'll fight you for it," the waiting customer said.

"Choose your weapons."

"A set of car keys and a tire iron."

"You win. I relinquish your coffee." Bella bowed her head in defeat.

When the shop was cleared, Bella hopped up on the counter and sipped the drink she'd finally had a chance to make for herself. "Why didn't you call me in this morning?"

"I knew you were at Jake's last night. What time did you get in?"

"Three." Bella leaned her head back against the wall and allowed the caffeine to soak into her internal organs. "Thank God I have tonight off."

"Any plans?"

Bella's eyes snapped open and she eyed Esme suspiciously. The little blonde was innocently wiping down the espresso machine. "Why? What have you heard?"

Esme turned, a surprised look on her face. "Nothing!" Then her eyes narrowed. "Wait, so you do have plans? Spill! Did you let some goofy frat boy turn your head?"

Bella shifted her eyes. "Um…no. Jake asked me if I wanted to go out."

Esme didn't say anything. Finally, Bella peeked back up at her.

Her eyes were wide as dinner plates, and her mouth was hanging open.

"What?" Bella asked uneasily. "Is he like a sex offender or something?"

"No! No, nothing like that. He's a really nice guy, Bella." Esme turned back to the machine and began scrubbing it with manic fervor.

"Esme…"

"No."

"You can't look at me like I've grown another boob and not dish. Come on."

"It's none of my business."

"It is if he breaks my heart. I'll start skipping work and skimming cash from the till. I'll go on a self-destructive shopping spree. I'll buy Uggs."

"Oh, dear, we can't have that." Esme tossed her rag into the sink and sighed. "Promise you won't tell that it was me who told you?"

"Swear." She held out her pinkie, but Esme ignored it.

"Um, Jake is kind of…emotionally unavailable, I guess you could say."

Bella snorted. "What, like he has communication issues? Commitment phobia?"

"No, not exactly."

"Gay?"

"No!" Esme rolled her eyes. "He's head over heels in love with my husband's receptionist."

"Huh?"

"I swear on my mother's false teeth. Carlisle is a pediatric doc with a private practice a few blocks away. Jake brought his little cousin in a few months ago, and Carlisle said that when he caught sight of Nessie, he nearly tripped over his own tongue. Cute girl." Esme tilted her head and looked at Bella critically. "He must have a thing for redheads. Anyway, he's been hanging out around the office ever since. You know, skulking in the parking lot. Coming in to 'chat.'"

"Skulking? Esme, Jake is too damn big to skulk."

Esme giggled. "That's why I know about it, actually. Carlisle says it's really funny to watch him try to hide behind the ficus tree and watch her."

Bella frowned. "I don't get it. If he's so hot for this chick, why would he invite me to dinner?"

"Well, I can't say for sure, but my guess would be that he doesn't feel right asking Nessie out. She's only twenty-one, and Jake must be – what? – thirty five?"

"I'm only twenty-five."

"Still. Would you go out with a seventeen-year-old boy?"

Bella shrugged. "Depends on how hot he is."

Esme smacked her shoulder. "As I've said, Jake's a good guy. You're out on your own; you've clearly lived a little. Nessie still lives with her parents. I can imagine how awkward it would be for her to introduce her six-foot-eight, thirty-five-year-old boyfriend to Mom and Pops."

"Hmmm." Bella chewed on a hangnail. "So, this date of ours may be an attempt to distract himself from Jailbait Nessie?"

"Let's not call her that, and we won't have a throwdown. Nessie's a sweet girl. I think she likes him, too."

"Damn it!" Bella chugged the last of her cappuccino. "My first date in two years, and I'm Rebound Girl. That's just perfect."

"Two years?" Esme clearly didn't believe it. "I don't believe it. You're a hot ticket, sweets."

Bella laughed, blushing. "Um, thanks. It's been kind of a dry spell."

"Well, call me tomorrow and tell me how the date went. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just obsessed with the artwork in Carlisle's waiting room. You know that generic abstract shit that all doctors seem to buy in bulk?"

Bella snorted. "I know it well."

When Bella got home at three-thirty, she was too jazzed on java to take a nap. She figured it was for the best – she'd be able to sleep for a solid ten hours that night before going in to the shop and maybe get on an even keel schedule-wise. So, she took a shower, did her hair in a soft twist, and even painted her toenails before picking up her phone and calling Jake.

"House of Pies," he answered with a very bad Brooklyn accent.

"I'll have a cherry to go. With whipped cream."

"Sorry, we don't do takeout orders. I can only deliver."

"Well come on over, then, and bring enough for two."

He laughed and hung up.

"How did you know where I live?" she demanded when she opened the door five minutes later.

"I looked at your job application, genius."

"That's creepy and wrong. You could have just asked."

"Why?"

"It would have been more polite."

"I'm rarely polite, Bella."

"Point taken. Okay, where are we heading?" She shrugged on her jacket and slung her purse over her shoulder.

"I thought you might want to head down to Pike Place Market. There are lots of places to eat, and it's fun to walk around. How does that sound?"

"Sounds great. Lead the way, Bigfoot."

On paper, it was a great date.

After watching the guys throwing the fish, letting Jake buy her a gigantic sunflower, wandering around the marketplace, and sitting down to a completely sinful Florentine crepe with fresh strawberries on the side, Bella leaned back and regarded Jake with a dispassionate stare.

"What?" he asked nervously, wiping at his lips. "Do I have something on my face?"

"No. I'm trying to figure you out."

"Yeah? You making any progress with that?"

She slowly shook her head.

It was a delicate operation. But having been forewarned by Esme's bombshell about Jake's extracurricular activities at the pediatrician's office – and God, didn't that just sound terrible – she already knew that Jake really wasn't interested in her. However, there was no way she could just come right out and say it, since she had promised Esme. And if she claimed that a little birdie told her, Jake would be smart enough to figure out who had spilled the beans.

"What do you want to know? I'm a Capricorn, I use Old Spice body wash, I work on cars in my spare time, and I like redheads." He winked at her.

"Uh-huh." Bella took a slow bite of her crepe and chewed contemplatively.

"Bella, you're creeping me out."

"Why did you ask me out, Jake?"

He blinked. "Uh…is this a trick question?"

"Yeah. The trick is that you've got to tell the truth."

She could see him blushing under his dark skin. She so had him.

"I, uh, I really enjoyed hanging out with you the past couple of weeks. I wanted to get to know you better."

"That's cool. I'd like to get to know you better, too. But that's not the truth, Jake."

"This is such a weird first date," he mumbled.

"Exactly." Bella leaned forward. "Admit it, Jake. You're not attracted to me."

"What? Sure I am, Bella. You're a beautiful girl."

"Thank you. But you're full of shit."

"Do you always give guys the third degree like this?"

"Only when they obviously have no intention of trying to get into my pants. When I dropped my flower and bent over to pick it up, you didn't even check out my ass."

"Dude, Bella!" Jake covered his face.

"Spill!"

"I…I don't know what you're –"

"Spill it, Jake, or I'll get the fish guys to pelt you with halibut."

"Aaaagh!" Jake dropped his head into his arms. "You are a horrible woman!"

"Spiiiiilll…"

"Okay, okay!" He kept his head buried, which muffled his voice. "The truth is that I'm an appalling, disgusting person."

Bella smiled. Victory was sweet.

"You are not, Jake," she said gently, reaching over and ruffling his hair. "You are freakishly large, and you need to offer me a dollar more an hour, but other than that you're basically a good guy. So what's the deal?"

"There's this girl," he mumbled.

"Yeah?"

"I mean, like, a girl. I think she's about twenty. Ever since I met her, I've been nuts."

"Hmmm." Bella was having trouble not bursting out into giggles. Men were so cute sometimes.

"She's beautiful, and she's sweet, and she's smart…I mean, basically, she's every girl I've ever been attracted to, right? But there's something different about her. She, like, pulls at me. The longer I go without seeing her, the crazier I feel. Like there's this hole in my chest, you know? And she fills it up."

"Sounds like a crush, Jake."

"That's because I can't describe it right. I feel like…there used to be a hundred things that were important to me. My dad, my friends, the bar, my sixty-seven Mustang. Bills. The Mariners. Sex. All these things used to matter, right? But now…well, they still sorta matter, but the main thing is her. Nothing is important unless she's happy, and she's safe, and she's nearby. As long as she's okay, then life can go on. But life can't go on unless I'm one hundred percent sure."

"Wow." Bella leaned her head on her hand. "That's really sweet, Jake. You should write Hallmark cards."

He rolled his head to the side and glared at her with one eye.

"Sorry. But seriously, you should write that down in a love letter. Deliver it with a dozen roses. She'll be Jello. Strawberry Jello. With whipped cream."

"I can't, Bella. She doesn't even know I exist. And she's just a baby. I mean, I have these dreams…about her…but I wake up and I feel like a total perv. I should be in prison. In the orange jumpsuit, making license plates."

"Jake," she said, holding back her giggles. "Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not like you're planning on abducting her and locking her in your basement."

"I haven't ruled it out."

"You might hold off on that until later in the relationship." Bella took a bite out of a gigantic strawberry and groaned. "You should have some of these, Jake. They're incredible."

"You mock my pain."

"Yes. Yes, I do. I apologize. It's just that…you're blowing this all out of proportion, Jake. Ask her out for coffee. Make sure she's legal, then send her flowers. But not sunflowers." She took the large blossom he'd given her and tapped his head. "Those are just for me."

"I can't, Bella. What if she's totally grossed out by the old creepy guy hitting on her?"

"Then life goes on. And no more with the asking random girls out and breaking their hearts."

He snickered. "Bella, if you're heartbroken, then I'm Wallace Shawn."

"Granted. But only because I'm too smart to fall for your fatal charm." She polished off her crepe and popped the last strawberry into her mouth. "What is this fairy princess's name, anyway?"

"Nessie." He sighed.

"Cute. Come on, Romeo. You owe me a game of Skee Ball."

Just to let you know, the Twinklings Walk of Fame Awards are going on now at .. The Audacity of Change and For Whom the Bell Tolls are both nominees. Get out the vote!