Chapter 2.
"I would have assumed with you're farm girl upbringing, and giving nature, that you'd be a lot better at this. I thought that you'd at least know the basics of changing a diaper." Amy commented and watched as Penny practically gagged for air as she held Poppy, while Amy riffled through the child's belongings for diapers and wipes. Penny had outright refused to change the baby for her. So she guessed she's have to step up and do it.
"What the hell has your cousin been feeding this kid!" Penny replied. She felt sick. Why on earth would anyone willingly chose to have a one of these things. The baby was gnawing on it's fist and looking a little bit too pleased with itself.
"Well all I can find is a couple of diapers and an empty packet of baby wipes, that were once if I'm not mistaken, lemon scented. You are going to have to go shopping." Amy shrugged and pulled out a sheet which was presumably some kind of nappy changing facility. "Obviously I can't go. Amber neglected to leave any sort of infant travelling contraption. The nerve of that woman!"
"Yeh she has a nerve all right…What? Oh no no no. I am not getting roped into this. You are on your own with this one." Penny screwed up her face and then realised that if she did infact agree to go to the store, she would escape the putrefying smell.
"Wait! scratch that. I'd be happy to pick up what ever you need . "
Amy nodded and grinned. " I thought so. Thank you bestie. Now give me back the infant. She is showing signs of separation anxiety. I guess you just don't cut it."
Penny gladly held up the struggling kid, and it quite happily went back to Amy. When Poppy was held against Amy's shoulder the baby gave Penny what could only be described as a smug look, and then rested it's head.
Penny gaped. The baby seemed to have bonded with Amy but it seemed to hate her.
"Amy you're an natural.." Penny said, astounded. She had never really seen Amy as the motherly sort.
"Oh I wouldn't say that." Amy blushed slightly. "What can I say, infants do seem to love me. This one does at any rate. Although I'm still not comfortable with the way she is looking at my breasts. If she thinks these are full of milk she is sadly mistaken. This bosom is not for milking."
"Yeh. Anyway. I'd better get going. " Penny narrowed her eyes. "Don't worry, what ever baby needs I'll get it."
"Thank you again. I can not believe that Amber has done this. She has forgotten to provide her own child with the proper changing accessories. Frankly she disgusts me. Amber and her Neanderthal husband should be locked in a cage. They obviously raise their daughter as one does a monkey. Although it's not surprising since Amber and her brother Dillon were on drugs by the age of 10. " Amy ranted as Penny quickly left the apartment.
Half an hour later Penny had returned and was unsuccessfully trying to set up a travel cot as Amy attempted to change Poppy.
"This is a lot harder than I had envisioned." Amy whined as she tried to fasten the diaper for the fifth time while Poppy kicked. "Please do try and stay still."
"Speak for yourself. This thing is impossible. Easy to set up my ass." Penny wrestled with the device which was refusing to bend to her will.
"I can understand why these contraptions may be foreign to you. Sheldon told me that you slept in a drawer until you were 2." Amy said matter of factly as she finally managed to get the diaper on so it looked reasonable. Poppy was now smiling up at her with those adorable blue eyes.
"I can relate. While left at my aunt's house on a regular basis, she would make me in the dog's bed. While the dog was still in it."
"Well Sheldon is talking bull." Penny grunted. "Actually it was until I was 3." She admitted, biting her lip and pulling on the travel cot until it finally snapped open.
"When I was a child I never had dolls." Amy began, changing the subject completely "I saw other little girls pushing their proportionally sized perambulators around the neighbourhood. All I could think was. What on earth were they thinking. Dolls are made of plastic, and rubber. And frankly I found them off putting. But thinking about it now, perhaps they were simply preparing themselves for motherhood."
"I guess. I never really played with dolls either." Penny nodded. Seemed like a reasonable explanation. "So anyway. I think you have everything covered here. I got every size there was in the diaper department. Formula, food, pacifiers, blankets, cream. And you can tell Amber when you see her that she owes me 89 dollars. Oh and you make sure you tell her that it is not ok to take advantage of you like this!"
"It's not a problem really. I'll pay you of course. Amber hasn't the money or the notion to pay for things. She's been in jail you know for stealing a horse and riding it bare back with Rocky, naked.. If only I could persuade Sheldon. Hmmm. But he didn't seem very keen when I proposed it." Amy picked up the freshly changed Poppy and looked at her. "That's a lot better. I know you must feel terribly embarrassed. But not to worry. I'll look after you. Until your whore of a mother returns."
Poppy smiled and gurgled.
"Amy!" Penny exclaimed. Suddenly picturing Amy and Sheldon on horse and feeling kind of dizzy.
"Well. I think she is old enough to know the truth. Amber Richardson is what we scientists refer to as a crack whore bitch!" Amy exclaimed. "Not that it is any reflection on you as a person Poppy. I am just stating a fact." she added and Poppy laughed. "See. She agrees with me."
Amy was infact starting to get angry and she rarely did. It was not herself she was concerned with now, but she was concerned for Poppy. In seven days time her so called mother would come to reclaim her. The diaper that Amy had just changed was soaking wet and nearly bursting at the seams as well as being soiled. it looked like she hadn't been changed for at least a day.
The infant had a rash and all the bottles Amber had prepared were filthy, they certainly hadn't been washed properly. Amber obviously cared more about Rocky and his unattractive buck teeth than she did her own child.
"That's not the point. You really need to calm down." Penny insisted, frowning.
"I am calm. Perfectly calm. It was supposed to be girlfriend and boyfriend sing-along night tomorrow. But I guess you'll have to join us now. Know any good nursery rhymes?"
"Wait. What." Penny spluttered, envisioning a night of listening to Shamy sing twinkle twinkle little star. She loved them and everything, but was not hoping to join girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night any time soon. She just hoped that it wasn't some new code word they had come up with for sex, but knowing the Shamy it was very unlikely.
"Well you can't leave me. " Amy insisted gesturing towards the baby. "I can't cope on my own! I'd do the same for you if Leonard ever knocked you up I mean. I'll even be your birthing partner if you want."
"Thanks. I think." Penny shook her head. "I have work tomorrow and Leonard and I have plans tonight. If you know what I mean. I'm sorry. But hey, you are coping brilliantly. Just look at how Poppy has taken to you already"
"She has seemed to have bonded with me. But don't think Sheldon isn't going to take this well at all. I think he may be allergic to infants under the age of 5." Amy was beginning to panic. Yes the baby was adorable. But she didn't know what to do. Granted neither did Penny, but it would make it easier having her bestie to help her out. "You can leave as soon as Sheldon gets here tomorrow at six. Please. You're sordid night with Leonard can surely wait. I am begging you here. If you want me to go down on bended knee I will."
"No. please don't." penny begged and then relented. "Fine. I'll stay. But I'm taking the bed. And you can stay here with Poppy. I am not being wakened in the middle of the night to the sound of a screaming baby. I get that enough already with Leonard."
"Agreed." Amy smiled and kissed the baby's head. " I knew we could talk her round. Me and you make a great team." she attempted to high five the youngster and it grabbed on to her hand instead.
So adorable. Amy thought. Why had she always believed that infants were simply an inconvenience. She had talked about having one with Sheldon. But that was just an idea. The real thing was so much more rewarding, even if Poppy wasn't a genius. She could spend all day watching that kid chew on it's own hand, and gurgle.
"Penny. I think you'd better make up some formula. She's starting to eye up my breasts again.."
Sheldon attempted to process the text message he had just received from Penny. It was odd even by her standards.
Amy hs a surprise for u. bring over a teddy. Non optional. Lol
A surprise indeed. He didn't like surprises. He was going over there under the impression that it would be a simple girlfriend- boyfriend sing-along night. The song choices including. "Summer lovin. "
"You're the one that I want." And "There are worse things I could do…"
Amy had recently become obsessed with the film Grease. Unfortunately.
What on earth do you mean bring a teddy. That would mean that I would have to take time out of my day to go and purchase one. What would Amy want with a teddy bear anyway!
Oh. U will see. Dnt worry. Jst do as ur told and bring th teddy bear.
Penny's reply was vague at best, and horrendously misspelled.
"Leonard!" he called, rushing out of his bedroom and into the dining area where his friend was sat eating his breakfast.
"Yes." Leonard looked up from his bowl of cereal.
"Where was Penny last night. You should know. Seeing as you two are now engaging in regular coitus."
"Oh she called and said that she was helping Amy with a diaper related issue. I didn't ask any further questions as frankly I didn't want to know." Leonard replied, shaking his head and continuing to eat his breakfast.
"I feared that this would happen. Amy has obviously regressed far beyond her years. She has been doing so socially since she starting hanging around with Penny. If I am not mistaken, Penny has some how turned my girlfriend into an infant. Why last week, I could swear that Amy was behaving like a teenager, and now she has gone so far back that we may not be able to save her!" Sheldon clutched his chest and began hyperventilating. "Get your woman in line Leonard.!"
"Or… They are babysitting." Leonard offered. Now feeling very ill indeed. He set down his spoon. "You have officially put me off my breakfast.. Thankyou!"
"Well. It would seem like a more plausible explanation." Sheldon mused. Calming down slightly. "She's babysitting. As my mother would say.. Thank sweet Jesus for that."
Ah yes. It was probable that Amy had family visiting. Buying a gift for the child in question would be the socially acceptable thing to do.
And then he could make up a suitable excuse as to why he couldn't be around the infant. Perhaps he could pretend that he was ill. Although it would be a challenge, he was sure that he could pull it off.
If he ever had offspring of his own it would be raised in a Skinner box, untouched by human hands. Skinner's wife had obviously been the reason why Skinner himself had never been able to raise his own offspring this way.
Babies were unhygienic.
Thankyou for the reviews. I only started watching the show a few weeks ago. I am trying to keep them all in character. But it's hard.
Yes I know I suck at punctuation. I have tried to improve.