Hey everyone – it's been too long. Apologies at the bottom.
As always, massive thanks to my beta jacobsangel88 for offering her beta services even though she's super busy and should be doing other (and more important) things.
This is for Lola. Happy belated birthday, babe.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
On the first page of our story
the future seemed so bright
then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
even angels have their wicked schemes
and you take that to new extremes
but you'll always be my hero
even though you've lost your mind
~Rihanna feat. Eminem (Love the Way You Lie Part II)
Chapter 3
A month had passed since I'd made up my mind. This would work out; if only I made sure I didn't make Edward angry.
Everything had gone surprisingly well, the exception being a small fight three weeks ago.
~X~
"Bella, you don't understand. My mother painted them!"
"But they look awful –"
"I don't care if they look awful! It's my mother."
"Edward, you need to let go."
"I don't need to let go of anything," he scoffed, crossing his arms after flailing them for the past five minutes. His nostrils flared slightly, and his eyes bore into mine like he was daring me to challenge him.
I couldn't. I moved my gaze to his black polished shoes.
"It's been twelve years," I whispered.
He snorted. "You really don't want to go there, honey."
Somewhere inside, I snapped. Suddenly, I had to fight to keep the words on my tongue inside my mouth.
"No, I don't," I said slowly. "What I do want is to repaint the damn cabinet doors!"
I didn't succeed in keeping the words inside though.
He groaned in frustration. "What is it that you're not getting? I've already explained that my mother painted them!" he shouted.
"And I said that it's been twelve years! Twelve. Years!"
The screaming was taking its toll on me. My breathing came in ragged gasps and I could swear I was sweating. The kitchen seemed too small, and it felt like the cabinet doors were practically mocking me.
What had I done?
Edward had started pulling at his hair, but froze when I started screaming at him. His eyes changed, and I instantly knew what was hiding behind them. What he was hiding.
He tilted his head slightly to the left. "Twelve years since what?" he asked innocently.
I blinked frantically, opening my mouth to form a response but quickly closed it again. I stared helplessly at him, trying to make him see that I couldn't respond. I couldn't say the words. I just couldn't.
His face quickly changed from innocent to furious, his body suddenly towering over me even though he was standing more than five feet away. I gulped as I realized that he actually looked like he wanted to kill me.
"Twelve. Years. Since. What?" he asked through gritted teeth, clearly controlling himself.
I forced the words out, seeing no other choice. "Since she … died."
His blazing eyes stayed focused on mine, his sharp, defined jaw clenching so hard I thought it would break.
I wasn't even aware of the fact that I was trembling, until I couldn't stand looking into his eyes anymore and once again moved my gaze to his shoes, thus noticing my pale, trembling hands. I drew a shuddering breath and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for his next unpredictable move.
I heard Edward exhale exasperatedly, and as I opened my eyes I saw his retreating form a moment before he slammed the door closed.
~X~
I was now walking the streets of Brooklyn, looking for everything and nothing.
Edward had been right – I was going crazy staying at home, having nothing to do. I had cleaned the house more times than I could count, cooked food so often that I was surprised neither me nor Edward were starting to get fat, and I'd applied for jobs I knew I had no chance of getting just for the sake of doing something. Since my attempt to make a change in the kitchen had failed, I'd worked with what I had.
Despite it being unusually cold outside, I had decided to go for a walk. Edward was working, as always, and I'd spent most of the day polishing all of the silverware I owned to perfection. Afraid of developing a fetish, I had grabbed my coat and stepped out of the door into the cold, yet refreshing, air.
I'd sauntered through Prospect Park for a while, stopping to watch a few kids running around in the park. A little girl was being chased by two older boys – presumably her brothers. Their laughter echoed among the trees, and I found myself smiling at the thought of one day seeing my own children laugh while chasing each other.
Leaving the park, I strolled and entered a few shops that looked interesting enough. I was just considering going home when I saw the familiar bookshop sign, and made my choice by thinking that it would only take a few minutes.
The bell over the door chimed when I entered, and I felt a little like an intruder when I broke the peaceful silence in the shop. Closing the door carefully, I let the smell of fresh air mixed with books fill my nostrils. A bright orange armchair placed in the left corner demanded my attention, but my gaze involuntarily – as if pulled by an invisible force – moved to the endless shelves filled with books.
I went straight to the classics section, looking and flipping through every book I could possibly find; both books that I had read, and hadn't read. Thumbing through Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, I whipped my head to the right when I heard someone clear their throat nearby.
"Can I help you?"
A short old man with a mustache was looking expectantly at me, his hair gray – almost white – and his blue eyes looked like they held secrets only years of experience could reveal.
"No, thanks, I'm just looking," I said, smiling apologetically at him.
He chuckled. "Very well," he said as he turned around, preparing to leave. "I'll be in the back if you need me."
Just as he was leaving, something red in the shop window caught my eye. I took a step forward to take a closer look. Squinting, I suddenly realized what the sign hanging in the window said.
"Wait," I said, my hand lifting of its own accord and reaching for him, as though that would stop him from leaving.
The old man turned around. "Yes?"
The expectant look in his eyes was even more evident now, and the corners of his mouth were tugging up into a small smile.
Don't screw this up now, Bella.
"Are you hiring?"
~X~
I walked home feeling proud of myself. I'd actually managed to get a job; a job that I had no doubt I would enjoy. Spending my days amongst books – so often that my clothes would reek of the smell of them – was appealing to me. And by the way, my clothes wouldn't reek. It would be more like wearing an old perfume that I loved. Okay, that was weird. But still, I wouldn't mind it because I was sure I'd grow to love this job.
It felt like I'd finally done something for myself. I deserved to have a job that I enjoyed. Sure, I'd been very dedicated to my last job and I'd worked very hard, but did I love it? I found myself immediately answering "no".
I walked home feeling carefree and happy. This was a new start. And it had to be something very, very good.
~X~
The feeling didn't last for very long, though. The smile that had been plastered on my face quickly faded when I noticed the Vanquish parked in the driveway.
I hadn't even thought of Edward, or the fact that he may have wanted to know about my decision to start working at a bookshop. Gosh, I really couldn't do anything right, could I? He would be really mad, surely.
I should have thought carefully about a big decision like this.
Sighing, I walked up the driveway and stopped right in front of the door. I tried to pull myself together, trying so hard not to freak out. I had done a stupid thing, and he wouldn't let this go easily.
My head ran through all the horrible things he could possibly do. Make me quit, make me get another job or not allow me to apply for any more jobs, so I would have to stay home all day. I would go insane.
Or he'll be really happy you got a job.
The optimistic side of me told me Edward wouldn't get mad. That he would be happy for me. And a tiny part of me actually believed that. The last few weeks had been good – great even. The cabinet doors remained unpainted, but our relationship had gotten better. I wasn't naïve; I knew our relationship couldn't get fixed in a matter of weeks. It needed months, at least. But I couldn't help feeling like I'd managed to screw up.
Squaring my shoulders, I prepared to face Edward. I reached for the handle, but my hand grabbed thin air when the door suddenly opened.
I gasped, my other hand automatically covering my chest in sudden surprise.
Worried green eyes looked into my own. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," I breathed, my hand slowly returning to my side again. I gave Edward a hesitant smile.
He flashed his lopsided grin. "Then why, if I may ask, are you still standing outside in the cold?"
I blushed, finding myself momentarily unable to respond. "I don't know," I blurted out.
"Come inside, then," he said suggestively, taking my hand and practically dragging me inside.
The sudden change in temperature made my cheeks bloom even redder, and I giggled nervously. When Edward noticed my rosy cheeks, he tentatively reached out his hand and stroked my cheek tenderly.
His warm hand felt wonderful against my cold face, making it feel as though it was burning. I sighed dreamily, enjoying the tingle I always got from his touch.
"I've always loved your blush," he murmured.
"Mmhmmm," I responded incoherently, losing myself to the feeling of his skin against mine.
"Bella…" he mumbled, his eyebrows furrowing.
"Edward?" I said questioningly, meeting his gaze.
He swallowed loudly, his mouth opening and closing, struggling to say something. "I … I've …"
"What is it?" I asked, smiling encouragingly.
"I…" he tried, but sighed frustratingly when his voice failed him. "I … I missed you," he said softly but hastily; as though he'd been afraid of uttering the words, and when he finally overcame his fear the words came out in a rush.
"Oh, Edward…" I tilted his chin up, making sure his eyes were looking into mine before I, slowly but steadily, said, "I missed you, too."
His face lit up immediately, the corners of his mouth quirking up in a smile that took my breath away. I had no idea how long we just stood there, smiling and staring at each other. But somewhere along the way the tension in the air shifted, and suddenly I became aware of how close we were standing to each other. He was standing just a few inches away – I could feel his warm breath fanning my lips, and I swear I could feel the heat radiating from his body.
It seemed like Edward, too, had noticed the closeness. His eyes kept flickering down to my lips, and his strained breathing matched mine. It felt like there was a barrier between us; a barrier that had been here for years, and both of us were terrified to break it down. We were safe on our own side, but still – the hope that there might be something better on the other side of the barrier had never faded.
It had escaped my notice that I'd subconsciously tilted my forehead closer to his, and my breathing hitched when Edward's tongue slowly darted out to lick his bottom lip. I hazily looked up and saw that his eyes were still locked on my mouth. It was all the invitation I needed.
Teeth clashing, hands roaming, tongues sliding, our lips locked in a kiss so frantic that an outsider seeing us may have thought we hadn't kissed in decades. We tore the barrier down, piece by piece, and at that precise moment it was the easiest thing to do in the whole world.
We backed down the hallway, stumbled up the stairs and into the bedroom, all the while kissing and clinging to each other as though we were drowning. Somewhere in the far back of my mind a warning bell sounded, but I chose to ignore it and focused all of my attention on Edward.
Somehow we'd ended up lying on our bed, Edward hovering over me as we continued to kiss. My hands were exploring his body: playing with his soft hair, cupping his face, shakily unbuttoning his shirt… I was rediscovering it after having forgotten; recalling only vague memories.
It felt as if I was in a dream; moving in a fog, intoxicated by his presence. He hadn't touched me like thisfor so long. This couldn't possibly be real, could it?
He moved on to my neck, peppering it with kisses when I had to come up for air. Closing my eyes, I reveled in the feeling of his lips on my skin. It definitely feltreal, at least. The sensations he provoked woke a fire within me, and my body screamed for more. I couldn't help a sigh of pleasure escaping from my mouth.
"I think I know what your next profession could be," Edward chuckled quietly against my neck.
My eyes flew open. "What?"
"We don't really need the money, you know," he murmured, pressing a kiss to my jaw. "Let's live a little. We could have so much fun." And to emphasize just what kind of fun he meant, he slowly trailed a finger along the side of my body.
Suddenly the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd been purposely ignoring grew stronger.
"Edward…" I warned.
His eyes glinted with mischief. "Come on, Bella. What do we have to lose?"
"Everything!" I cried. "We're gonna run out of money eventually, if neither of us works."
"We'll be fine."
I pushed him off of me. "No, we won't be fine," I snapped. "I will not let you quit your job, you've only just started! And just because you want to 'live a little', that doesn't mean I'm just gonna accept it and become your own little doll made for your entertainment."
Who did he think he was? Hugh freaking Hefner?
"I didn't mean –"
I cut him off. "That's exactly what you meant! But you know what? You don't need to quit and live life, because I've already gotten a new job and I sure won't quit!" I paused, gasping when I realized my mistake.
"You what?" he hissed angrily.
"I-I got a j-job," I stammered.
"Where?"
"At a bookshop," I said softly, averting my gaze to my lap.
"Don't you think we should have talked before you made a big decision like this all on your own?" he asked incredulously.
I looked up and met his dark eyes, noticing just a hint of what looked like contained fury in them. Feeling my heart hammering in my chest, I tried to shrug it off and said casually, "You said we didn't need the money. Why would whether, and where, I have a job matter?"
Edward let out a sigh of frustration. "It doesn't matter; I just thought we were supposed to share this kind of stuff with each other!" he yelled. He stayed silent for a few moments, almost looking vulnerable for a second before putting a blank mask on his face. "Were you even planning to tell me?"
"Of course I was!" I exclaimed desperately. "I just got … distracted," I added quietly.
He pushed off the bed and stood, raking a hand through his hair.
"You've got to start talking to me, Bella. Sometimes … it feels like you're not here when I talk to you, like you're someplace else." He paused, his nostrils flaring. "Is there somebody else?"
My eyes widened. "No! Of course not!" I quickly scrambled out of bed, and once standing in front of him I grasped his hands and repeated a soft, "No."
Frowning, he finally gave a curt nod.
I stroked his knuckles slowly with my thumbs, hoping to soothe the rising he was fighting inside.
"I'll try," I whispered. "I'll try to be more open," I clarified when I noticed Edward's questioning eyes. I took a deep breath. "But please know that I would neverkeep anything from you. Ever. You must know that."
Hesitation, then another curt nod.
"Good," I breathed, still stroking his knuckles.
Just as I was starting to relax and enjoy our little moment, he abruptly drew his hands back out of my reach.
I started blinking frantically, my mouth falling slightly open in surprise. Before I could react he swiftly whooshed past me and went out the door, closing it carefully.
I gasped, choking on air and let out a strange, strangled noise, before slowly sinking to my knees in exhaustion. The bedroom floor was hard and caused some discomfort, but all I could think of was the fact that Edward always seemed to be leaving.
Then another thought hit me – a thought so alarming that if I wasn't already on the floor, it would have made my legs go weak and I would've dropped to it:
I wonder when he'll leave for good.
I am so sorry for how long this has taken me to write. Honestly, I didn't quite expect school to affect my life so much. I wanna be a lawyer (in case you didn't know, it's really hard to get into law school), and so in the end I decided to focus on school instead of writing. I hope you all can understand that, but I'm really sorry for just going AWOL.
I can't really promise when the next update will be because, besides deciding to focus on school, I am also lazy and a very slow writer. All I'm asking for is your patience (even though I shouldn't ask anything of you). What I can promise you though is that it definitely won't take me this long again!
In case you're interested (or want to send me hate messages, guilt me into writing or just chat) I'm on Twitter: OneHellofaShow.
Thank you so much for reading.