AN: This is a new addition to the story, not originally planned as part of this fic, but I got to thinking about Barney's young life. He was a geeky kid, who had zero experience with women, a virgin until past college. That combined with his active and elaborate imagination, I figured he must have had all these fantasies as a hormonal teenage boy (which may help explain his obsession with the equally teenage Robin Sparkles).

Then in "Cleaning House" (which is what I used for the descriptions here) there is a very quick exchange when they're all upstairs cleaning out Barney's old room that made me think, "Wow, there is a story here". Barney thanks them for helping pack up his stuff and Lily says, "It gives us a rare insight into the makings of Barney Stinson." Barney simply says, "Hmm", and then immediately looks over toward Robin and smiles at her, seeming to imply that there's an inside story there, or at the very least that she has some secret insight into "the makings of Barney Stinson". And so I thought, perhaps Robin has been in this room before…..

Adolescent Fantasies

It's already mid-September and it's hard for either Barney or Robin to believe because that means it's now officially been four months – four whole months – since the two of them starting doing this. Four months of sleeping together. Four months of sneaking off to meet each other. Four months of afternoon hookups, of overnight stays and surprisingly cozy mornings after. Four months of slowly building a routine they're both comfortable with. Four months of discovering one another in a whole new, more intimate light.

Barney now knows what side of the bed Robin likes to sleep on and she knows that, while she enjoys a pretty nightgown, his talk of suitjamas is mostly myth as he prefers to sleep entirely in the nude. They've been close friends for years so Barney already knew how Robin takes her coffee and her scotch, but he now also knows her favorite brand of makeup, shampoo, and body lotion. Robin's discovered Barney has an absolute obsession with obscenely expensive shower gels – which is probably half the reason he smells so good all the time – and that he equally enjoys rubbing them into her skin; she isn't sure if it's making her smell like him that he likes so much, or if it's simply the rubbing itself.

Barney now knows when Robin is feeling stressed she likes to have her feet and legs massaged, and he's more than happy to oblige because it always leads to something more. Unlike most women he's known, Barney's learned Robin absolutely hates his Jacuzzi. She calls it a cesspool of disease, which he thinks is funny since he hasn't been with anyone but her in four months– a personal record – and she knows it too, but since she also knows it was one of his prime seduction spots, she has an automatic dislike for it that he finds sweet.

Robin, however, has taken like a pro to his sex swing, despite its prior use. And while it comes as no shock to Barney that he's taught her a thing or three, he's pleasantly surprised that she's come up with several new and enjoyable variations all her own; consequently he's named them after her.

She's now familiar with his habit of making his frequent calls home to his mom in the early afternoon; for some reason it's both their favorite time to talk. And he, in turn, has gotten her to show him every place she's hidden a gun in her apartment – and his too.

They both enjoy taking showers together. Warm relaxing water and nudity make an excellent combination. But she learned early on how much he loves it – seriously loves it – when she washes his hair. With her fingers rubbing gentle circles into his scalp through the shampoo suds it's the closest Robin's ever seen Barney to ecstasy outside of actual sex.

But of all the things they've discovered about each other in four months' time, of all the ways they've opened up to and accepted this newfound intimacy, the thing they're most proud of is that somehow they've managed to keep this all to themselves. Because still, after all this time, none of their friends have the slightest clue they've been together the entire summer and now into the fall. Besides all the obvious problems the group finding out would cause, they both rather like having this secret between the two of them and keeping this world of Barney-and-Robin private, just for them.

With that in mind, they have it all planned out to spend the entire day and night together on Sunday. They've announced excellent excuses to the gang – Robin's going out with that same guy they invented earlier in the month and Barney's busy at an out-of-town laser tag tournament. Everything's all set and they're both particularly looking forward to it too as Saturday was a 'girl's night' for Lily and Robin and Claudia, so a lonely Marshall had a 'bros night' of beer and football at Ted's apartment. Neither one of them was able to break away without rousing suspicion from their friends, making for one frustratingly long night for two people who have grown accustomed to sleeping together at least once a day.

However, all the planning and anticipation comes to a halt when Barney's mom gets sick. She's had a bad case of the flu for at least a week now but she refused to see a doctor. Apparently it had gotten bad enough yesterday that she went into the ER to get checked out. She only just called Barney that morning to tell him she'd been in the hospital and in fact has a "slight case of walking pneumonia" or he certainly would've been there already. Barney's devotion to his mother is something that Robin has found absolutely adorable ever since she first learned about it that winter. So she certainly doesn't blame him for wanting to go check on her, especially with James out of town.

It does however mean they'll have to break their date – or meet up; they always avoid the word "date". But then everything changes when Barney asks Robin if she'd like to go with him. Going out to Staten Island, bringing medication and chicken soup to a guy's sick mother, is definitely girlfriend stuff and it ought to send her running to the hills, but for some reason she finds herself accepting the invitation. It isn't exactly what they had planned, but it's still spending the day with Barney.

And that's how they end up on a Sunday afternoon, standing on the front porch of his childhood home. After giving Robin a tentative smile – because this is uncharted territory, though neither will say so out loud – Barney opens the front door.

Loretta is sitting on the couch in her robe, her hair pulled loosely back, honestly looking a bit worse for the wear, but her face lights up in a broad smile when she sees her son at the door. "Barney," she beams, getting up to hug him. "I told you, you didn't have to come."

"And I told you I was coming. Of course I was coming," he says, pulling back from the hug to examine her. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine, Barney. You don't have to worry about me. They gave me the first round of antibiotics in the ER, and now that you've brought me the rest I'll be back to normal in – Oh." She cuts off when she sees Robin beyond Barney, still standing awkwardly at the door. "I didn't realize you had a guest."

Barney motions for Robin to come over, which she does, though it's clear to him she finds the whole situation a little uncomfortable. "Mom, you remember Robin."

"Yes, I certainly do. Hello." She glances toward the empty table behind them. "If I'd known you were coming I would've prepared something. Maybe I can still – "

"Oh, no, you don't need to do that," Robin jumps in. For the first time, she remembers what she's holding and thrusts it forward. "We brought soup," she offers lamely.

Loretta takes the bag from her, smiling. "How lovely. I'll just get some bowls and spoons and we can all eat together."

"No, mom. I'll do that. You sit down," Barney says, leading his mother over to a chair at the table.

Robin looks down at Loretta's bathrobe and slippers and feels all the more awkward. "I'm sorry to intrude this way, Ms. Stinson. Barney didn't tell me this was a surprise visit." She glares over at him as she says the last part. He merely shrugs, indicating it isn't a big deal, but it certainly feels that way to her.

"Please, dear, call me Loretta. And it's not an intrusion. I'm always happy to see Barney and his friends. He seems to hide them from me, though I hear about you all the time. I'm just sorry he dragged you along to look after me. I can think of much better ways to spend a Sunday afternoon. But then Barney's always been a bit of a mama's boy, the way he – "

"Mom," Barney interrupts, with that look of panicked warning all children give their parents when they're embarrassing them.

"Well, it's true, Barney," she chuckles, patting his arm.

Robin nods her agreement, and there's a teasing smile on her face as she says to him, "It really is." She turns to his mother and adds, "He has such a thing about calling you at the same time everyday."

"One o'clock on the nose," Loretta chimes in. "I think of him as my own version of Old Faithful."

Barney looks back and forth between the two laughing women and he isn't quite sure if it's safe to leave them alone together, but eventually he hurries into the kitchen for the dishes and silverware.

The rest of lunch goes much the same way, with Loretta regaling Robin with stories of Barney's youth, which he knows full well she's storing away for later – and his mother is certainly giving her enough fodder for teasing and blackmail to last for years to come. But it's good to see Robin loosen up and enjoy herself, and it's equally nice to see his mother laughing along with her. He doesn't want to let himself admit it, but it's very important to him that his mom approves of Robin – which is ridiculous because she's not even his girlfriend, not really. They don't use those terms or define their relationship. They just are what they are. But still, it matters to him.

After the table is cleared, Barney somehow manages to convince his mother to go upstairs and take a nap, and he and Robin do the dishes together. It's an itchingly domestic scene, but it's not like he's never seen her do household chores before. He knows how much she hates washing dishes in particular, but once he bought her and Ted that dishwasher it hasn't been an issue. Still, even though she offered as much when Loretta was there, he's not going to expect her to wash his mother's dishes alone. Not that she would ever let him.

Working together, they complete the task surprisingly quickly – and he was right earlier; she spends the entire time teasing him over all the things she's just learned at lunch.

Setting the last dish back in the cupboard, Robin turns to him and says, "I still think Ted and Marshall and Lily really need to hear about how you joined your grandma's sewing circle."

"That was all Nana's idea," Barney answers defensively. "And it only lasted for a week. Plus I was six years old."

"Oh, I'll conveniently leave that part out."

"Okay, Sparkles. They still haven't seen 'Sandcastles'. I bet they'd just love to watch your follow-up video slash wanna be tampon commercial."

Robin laughs. "Alright, alright. Truce."

"That's what I thought," Barney laughs along with her. "Now come on," he says excitedly, taking her hand. "I wanna show you my old room. My mom left it exactly the way it was when I was a kid."

At Robin's insistence they tiptoe up the stairs and through the hallway so as not to disturb his mother. When she crosses the threshold into Barney's old room she has to laugh because it is shockingly untouched. It's a weird concept for Robin because the very minute she moved out of her father's house to go live with her mom, her bedroom was instantly changed into a showcase for all her old hockey trophies. She thinks of it as a kind of shrine to the "son" that's now dead to him. And later, when Robin moved out of her mom's to go on the mall tour, she got rid of all of her stuff too. There were three weeks between the end of Robin Sparkles and the beginning of college when she came back to find everything gone and that really she now had no home at all. She and Jessica became roommates after that. So it's a little hard for Robin to wrap her mind around such parental devotion as this, to not touch a room even all these years later, just so Barney can see it as it used to be whenever he happens to visit.

"Wow," Robin marvels, shutting the door behind them so she won't feel the need to whisper. "You were not kidding."

"Nope," Barney grins. "Mom left everything just how I had it when I moved out."

Robin steps further into room, taking it all in. The walls are a deep blue, so is the carpet and dresser, which makes sense as she knows it's his favorite color. The bed has a tie dye comforter and blue plaid pillows, and there are a few autographed baseballs and two sports trophies. Collectively those are the only "manly" things about the room. Everything else is an ode to the adorably geeky inner nature he works so hard to hide.

Directly next to the door is a bookcase filled with trinkets, including old-fashioned paper 3D glasses, a horde of little plastic dinosaurs, a survival handbook, and a magical card deck that she runs her fingers across and smiles. Adjacent to the bookcase is a little desk, sporting a model plane, a small globe, a stuffed tree frog, and a large metallic robot.

"Someone was a little bit of a nerd, wasn't he?" She rubs his shoulder playfully before crossing to the other side of the room.

"I wasn't a nerd….per say. And there's nothing wrong with being academically inclined."

"Didn't say there was."

"That's how you get a killer job, like the one I have at GNB."

"Yeah. Absolutely," she agrees with a smirk and he can tell she's mocking him.

"No, it gets you more than just a great job. It, in fact, is what makes me so awesome. Ladies don't go for no stupid guy."

"But ladies go for this, hmm?" she asks, pointing to the large poster of the solar system framed and hanging on the wall. She bends down to look into the telescope that's aimed out the window, but even adjusting the scope she couldn't really see much of anything. Rising back up, she turns to him with a teasing smile. "I bet you used this to actually look at the stars, right?"

Robin can tell Barney's about to launch into some dramatic and entirely false story, but then he looks down and concedes, "Most of the time."

She laughs and moves on to stand before his dresser. There's another dinosaur on top – this one a large T-Rex – as well as a model rocket ship and racing helmet. And then there's the standout. She picks it up and shows it to him. "What is it with you and stormtroopers?"

"Uh, they are only majestic imperial guards, Robin," he says, taking the toy from her and carefully returning it to its place of honor.

"Right." She turns her attention to the posters on either side of the bed. A tiger, a picture of the moon's surface, a reproduction of an old circus flyer. But the one that's her clear favorite is the poster sporting a collection of colorful guitars. "Now that's impressive."

Barney looks up at it and smiles. "Mmm. 'Rock N Roll'," he reads the poster's emblazed title. "Bon Jovi, You Give Love A Bad Name. Classic."

"No. I meant this," she says, pointing out the silver revolver in the upper right hand corner, just under the word 'Roll'. "See, this is why you're a natural shot." She nods her head approvingly as she moves past him.

He truthfully never really noticed there even was a gun in the poster, but he's not going to tell her that.

Robin stops in front of the small elementary school baseball team photo hanging next to the dresser. She squints down at the picture and easily finds Barney in the crowd. "Aww. Look at you with those adorable blond curls."

"Hey, you like my hair."

"Oh, do I?"

He gives her a wicked look. "You certainly like to grab onto it when I – "

"What are these?" she interrupts, knowing full well where he was going with that. She shows him the two pieces of framed art on the other side of the window. The top one appears to be a man wearing a mask or a hood of some sort and looks like a kind of quasi-super hero.

"That's from this series I used to read."

"Comic books too? Be honest, Barney, did you make your own?"

"They call them graphic novels."

"'They' can call them whatever they like. It's still just a comic book."

"With an attitude like that, you'll never see The Remarkable Adventures of Barnabus."

Robin laughs, looking down at the second picture. It's another reproduction of a classic flyer, this one from a magic show. "The Amazing Renaldo." She shakes her head, smiling. "You sure had a lot of magic stuff. Were you accidently setting things on fire back then too?" she asks teasingly.

Barney gives her a look of mock insult. "I'll have you know I was a master magician by the age of ten."

"Sure. Of course you were."

"I was. And at the age of twelve I was asked to perform at the governor's mansion."

She looks at him with wide, innocent eyes. "Yeah? And how did that go for you?"

He hems and haws for a little before admitting, "It turns out I couldn't make it because there was a last minute mix-up with the limo they sent for me."

"Yep, that happened."

"It did," he insists. "I can show you the invitation to prove it. It's on official letterhead with the governor's seal and everything," he boasts, "so that proves it right there. It called my skills – and I quote – 'world renowned'."

"Mm-hmm, yeah. That's awfully big talk for a man whose initials are B.S."

He smiles, despite himself. "Oh, that is it," he says, grabbing her around the waist and tackling her down onto the bed.

They both fall into helpless laughter as he tickles her mercilessly. By now he knows all the most effective spots. "Do you take it back?" he asks. "Say you take it back?"

"Nope. Not gonna happen," she counters, trying to squirm out from under him, but he has her held tight.

And somewhere in all the wrestling around the mood changes. Barney stops tickling Robin, and just looks down at her instead. They both feel that charge between them. There's always been that zing there, all the more when they're playing together this way, teasing and one-upping each other and generally having fun together.

Smiling, he bends down and kisses her. It's a soft kiss that soon grows until his tongue is in her mouth and they're both reminded that it's been too long since the last time they were together. He sinks into the kiss, drawing a soft murmured sigh from her. Then his lips gradually trail from her mouth to her jaw line and down to her neck as his hand creeps up her bare leg.

"What are you doing?" she asks breathlessly. His hand is caressing her knee and his teeth are gently biting her neck, and it's good – it's really good – but it'll be hours before it can go anywhere.

"If you don't know, I'd better try harder." His fingers slip beneath her skirt and his mouth continues further down her neck.

"Barney, we can't. Not here."

"Why not? We're on a bed. That's more than we can say for at least half the places we've done it." He pulls back to look at her. "And this bed actually belongs to one of us," he says, with a wink.

She looks at him warningly. "Ted can never know about that."

It hadn't been planned. Three days ago, Robin went into Ted's room to toss in another of his architecture books that seemed to be everywhere around the apartment nowadays with his class starting in just a couple weeks. Barney followed her and one thing lead to another. He can't deny, though, that there was something exhilarating and primal about making her come multiple times – making her say his name – in the bed of her former lover. It was like it erased the past, like it never happened, like the only one she'd be remembering in that bed from now on was him.

He grinned, his hand continuing higher up her skirt to dangerous territory that was going to make it very hard for her to say no to him, which was exactly his plan.

"Barney," Robin protests, sitting up. "You know that I normally like – "

"Wild, crazy hot sex in inappropriate places." He sits up too, his mouth nuzzling just beneath her ear. "Outdoors, at work, half in public, with the thrill of getting caught at any moment."

Even just his words send a little bubble of excitement through her blood. "Yeah, sometimes," she admits. So what? So she has a little kink to her. He already knows that. "But not by your mom."

"My mom is sound asleep. She isn't gonna know." He reaches down and pulls her shirt up and over her head. She lets him but he can tell she's still holding back, so he sets his lips to her shoulder, kissing his way across her bare skin. "It's easy to forget with the sex god you now see before you," he says, his open mouth trailing down over her chest – and he was right; her hands are already fisted in his hair, "but I was a….." Barney pauses, whispering the next part like a dark, shameful secret. "….virgin….until twenty-three."

"I know. I remember when you tried to convince us all the plot of Dirty Dancing was your first time," Robin smiles.

He lifts his head at her amused tone. "So I embellished a little."

"A little?"

"The point is, I was an unfortunately late bloomer. A little shy, a little socially awkward."

"Aww."

The last thing he wants when he's trying to get her to have sex with him is her pity, but it's actually kind of working for him because her arms are fully around him now, pulling him closer against her.

"But I was still your average teenage boy. And like any hormonal seventeen-year-old, I gained a lot of wrist dexterity in this room," he says, smiling at the memory. Robin makes a face but shakes her head fondly, so he continues. "And with the flair for storytelling I have, there were a slew of fantasies to go along with it."

"Like what?" she asks, her interest clearly piqued.

But it's hard for Barney to concentrate when she's down to just her bra, and he allows himself to finger the lace. "Having you in here, even completely clothed, would've blown my mind," he tells her, slowly slipping the straps down her arms, and he can see she's on the edge of giving in. "Come on, Robin," he coaxes, with that puppy dog look she just can't resist. "Do it for Teenage Barney, all alone, night after night, really needing to get laid."

"Alright, you win," Robin says, against her better judgment. "If this is a fantasy of yours, I'll make it happen."

With an amorous grin, Barney starts to reach for her but she surprises him by moving off the bed. Her eyes are on his as she unzips her skirt, letting it fall to the ground. Stepping out of it, she returns to him in only her underwear, skimpy lingerie she'd clearly chosen that morning with the sole thought of him taking it off at some point during the day.

"So how does this go?" Robin asks, slowing straddling him, just beyond contact. "Am I the aggressor? Do I slip through your window in the night and take advantage of you? Or am I the shy, inexperienced girl you've talked into messing around in your room while your mom's away?"

He groans as she finally lowers her body fully down against his. "The second one."

Her lips quirk into a smile, then she puts her hands down atop her thighs, her fingers nervously drumming against her skin. "I don't know, Barney," she says, adopting a more innocent, youthful voice that's close enough to Robin Sparkles it's almost it for him then and there. "I've never gone this far with a boy." She bites her lip, her eyes full of curious innocence. "What happens next?"

For a minute he just grins, because she's really committing to this and he knows it's going to be far better than anything he could've come up with as a teenager. The he jumps into the game.

"Don't be nervous, baby. I'm gonna take real good care of you," he says, his hands sliding up and around to unhook her bra with a practiced ease he never had at that age, but he's too eager to get her naked to care about authenticity. The black lace flutters to the floor and he nudges her hips closer. "I'm gonna make you feel so nice, Robin. You're never gonna want it to stop."

Robin's leaning over Barney, moving with him, and he was right; she doesn't want it to ever stop. But she's afraid they're going to have to because whether it's his childhood room, or the role play, or the night spent apart, he's wild and completely unrestrained, making love to her with such enthusiasm she's about to cry out and shout his name and generally scream the roof off like the cheesiest porno but this, amazingly, is entirely real. Which would be fine at his place, but is not at all okay with his mom just down the hall.

"Barney, Barney. This is so good. Ohh, this is too good."

"Yeah, it is," he grunts. A small moan escapes her, but it only encourages him.

"Barney, you've gotta….we can't – " Another longer moan comes out, and she purses her lips to stop herself. "You keep….that up….I can't – ahhh – I can't be quiet."

He smirks and does it again – this time he can't help but groan along with her because she's right; it is so good – and he's only satisfied when Robin completely loses it, although at the height of it he's thoughtful enough to offer her his mouth as a kind of muffle.

Afterwards, Robin collapses on top of him, completely out of breath. "You were right….That was…..incredible. Completely amazing."

Barney's lips stretch into a satisfied grin. "It more than lived up to the dream."

She happily sighs as he softly strokes along her spine. "If living out adolescent fantasies is this good, I should take you back to my childhood home and we'll do this again for me."

"Mmm, the daddy issues most multiple there. Ordinarily I'd never set foot in Canada but, for that, I am so there."

Robin laughs. "Barney, for sex, I think you'd go anywhere."

He brushes her hair back, gently cupping her face. "For sex with you, yes I would."

She kisses him then, and it's soft and sweet and still filled with the afterglow. But, lingering just a moment longer, she starts to stir. "Come on, we've got to get up," she tells him, moving off of him, but he pulls her back to his side.

"Wait, I had another seventeen-year-old fantasy. In this one you're tied to the bed, naked and helpless, and I'm free to do with you as I will. Just give me five, ten minutes tops, and then we'll start." He looks around the room distractedly. "I know I have a handkerchief around her somewhere."

He tries to roll her underneath him but she holds firm. "Barney, no," she laughs. "It's been almost two hours. We have to go check on your mom."

"She's sleeping. We have time," he cajoles, his hands sliding over her body to sweeten the deal.

But, before Robin can respond, the distinctive sound of Loretta calling Barney's name travels through the closed door.

"See, I told you," Robin says, scrambling off the bed. She gets up and goes about the room, frantically gathering her scattered articles of clothing.

Barney just lies back on the bed, watching her avidly. "And this was another fantasy: a hot, naked chick walking around my bedroom."

"Idiot," she laughs, redressing as quickly as possible. "Here." She throws him his boxers while she slips back into her sandals. "I'll stall your mom. You get dressed."

Five minutes later, Robin finds Barney's mom downstairs, sitting on the couch.

"Um, Barney will be right down," Robin tells her. "He was just showing me his old room, all the stuff from when he was a kid. And he, ah, he spilled his drink. Yeah, so he's…cleaning that up. Did you need something?"

"No, I just thought you both might want to play a game of cards before it's time to go back," Loretta says, indicating the card deck sitting on the coffee table. "We have a five card draw tradition that goes years back."

"Um, okay. Sure," Robin agrees, picking up the deck and handing it to Loretta before sitting down on the couch beside her.

"So," Loretta begins, opening up the box and sliding the cards out into her hand, "how long has my son been giving you the business?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Barney. How long have you two been having sex?"

Robin gaped at her. "I – I don't…. we, um, we're friends. Remember? I'm one of the friends he talks about on the phone."

Loretta smiled at that. "Robin, I haven't always been the person I am now. I've done some things. I've lived in this world." She gets a faraway look in her eyes as she goes on. "Once, out in an open field, I took part in a booze-fueled orgy beneath the star-filled Midwestern sky. There were men, women – all races and colors – living free and enjoying each other's bodies. There's nothing quite like the thrill of making love to a complete stranger while everyone's watching and the Grand Funk Railroad's playing "Some Kind of Wonderful" live on stage." Robin has no idea what to say to that, but Loretta shakes herself out of her reverie on her own. "Anyway, I know how these things are. I've lived them. And I know you're sleeping with my son."

"But – why would you think – "

"It's obvious," Loretta interrupts pleasantly. "Any fool could see it. Plus the walls are thin and you're rather loud, dear."

"Oh. Oh." Robin can feel her face heat and she pretty much just wants the earth to swallow her up.

"Don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault. It's the Stinson curse, I'm afraid. We're just that good. I once made a man howl – actually howl, like a wolf at the moon – and I wasn't even half trying."

Barney comes down the stairs then, immaculately suited up and somehow completely wrinkle-free despite the fact that neither of them was very careful how or where his clothes fell. "Mom, you've got some color back."

"Barney," Robin exclaims, jumping up from the couch. "Thank god you're back."

He gives her a funny look. "Of course I am. I was just still looking for that old magic set we've been trying to find." He turns to his mom. "Yep, that's what we've been doing. Couldn't find it, though."

Robin winces because they just gave two completely different excuses, but apparently the jig is up anyhow. "I'll go make your mom some tea," she offers. When he pouts at her, she adds, "And you too. I'll make us all some tea."

"There's a bottle of bourbon in the cupboard," Loretta suggests. "You might want to add some."

"That is a fantastic idea," Robin agrees, disappearing into the safety of the kitchen.

Oblivious, Barney sits down beside his mother, eyeing the poker deck, out and in her hands. "Oh, are we gonna play a little Five Card?"

"Yes, yes we are. As soon as you tell me more about your girlfriend."

"Robin? Robin's….not my girlfriend."

"Barney, I'm your mother. We talk almost every day. And you slip her name into the conversation more than I think you realize. I've been noticing that, oh, for months now. Truth is, back when I still thought you were married with a son, I was starting to get a little concerned." Barney opens his mouth to argue, but she adds, "And in all these years, other than that fake wife fiasco, you've never brought a woman home."

"It's not like I brought her here to – " Loretta gives him a level look. "Fine. We might be….involved. But she's not my girlfriend. Not exactly." Barney shakes his head. "Actually, I don't know what we are."

"Well I can certainly see why you like her. She's a pretty thing with a hot little body." Barney smiles at that. "And she's got life to her. The way you two were at lunch, I could tell this is real, this is good. She can go toe to toe with you, which is exactly what you need. She can give it back to you, in more ways than one – and quite well from the sounds of it."

"Mommy."

Loretta laughs lightly, patting her son's back. "You have sex with her under my roof, dear, and you open yourself up to my comments."

They hear the teakettle, sounding off and then stilling, alerting them to the fact that Robin will soon be returning.

"Just do me a favor, Mom. Don't say anything about this to Robin, okay?"

When Robin comes back into the room, carrying a tray with three cups of bourbon-laced tea, Barney and his mom are already at the dining room table with the deck of cards in the middle, ready to play.

Barney looks over, sees Robin in the doorway, and gets up to help her with the tea. When he comes close to take the tray, she whispers to him in warning, "Your mom heard us."

Barney smiles and whispers back, "I know."

"She told you? Oh god, she hates me, doesn't she? She thinks I'm a complete slut."

He chuckles. "No, she doesn't. It's okay," he says, touching her arm. "It's no big deal. My mom's a former flower child. She doesn't care. She's very open-minded."

"You have no idea."

The fun of the poker game, significantly aided by the bourbon, helps Robin relax again. That and the little competition she has going with Barney.

When Loretta left the room to use the bathroom, he proposed making the game a little more interesting by having their own private wager over it. Robin was game, creatively choosing her stakes: if Barney loses he has to sing 'Oh Canada' while standing on the bar at MacLaren's. Barney, being a fan of both gambling and sex, of course ups the ante when choosing his prize. If Robin loses, he wins the onetime opportunity to have sex with her anytime, anywhere – while they're out at brunch; in the middle of her show; while Ted's in the next room; in MacLaren's back alley; in the back of a cab while the driver may or may not be watching – it's all up to his choosing, which he can usually make happen anyway but this way he can have some fun with her, teasing the possibility of redeeming his option at the wildest of times, a prospect that will both embarrass her and turn her on.

It reminds him of the time at that GNB party last month. He and Robin snuck off together into one of the executive's empty offices. Robin was sitting at the chair, Barney kneeling in front of her, and clothing had already been removed when Lily walked into the room unexpectedly, forcing him to literally dive for cover under the desk. Luckily, Robin was still clothed from the waist up. It was one of the awesomest things he'd ever experienced in life, knowing Robin was trying her hardest to keep a straight face so that Lily didn't guess all he was doing to her beneath that desk. She scolded him afterwards but it was halfhearted at best; they both knew she loved it.

She gets off on being naughty in public, and he gets off on getting her off. So he figures if he wins, they both win – and he is absolutely not singing 'Oh Canada' anywhere, especially not in a place he ever intends on returning.

In the end, Robin gives him a good run for his money, but Barney is ultimately victorious. She had the better hand, but there may have been a little subconscious self-sabotage involved. After all, there's something incredibly freeing about acting wild and outrageous and shameless and being able to blame it all on Barney.

After they clean up the cards and the mess from the tea, it's time to go back into the city. Barney makes sure his mom is settled with everything she needs. He even offers to hire her a nurse, but she'll hear nothing of it. She really does look much better than when they first arrived, so he figures maybe some medicine, good food, good company, and a little sleep was all she needed.

While Barney's making his mom promise to look after herself and get plenty of rest, Robin calls for a ride back home. When she gets off the phone, Loretta turns to her and says, "Whatever he's won today, don't let him hold you to it."

Barney and Robin exchange a look.

"How did you know about that?" Robin asks.

Loretta smiles fondly over at Barney. "My son has a bit of gambling problem. We never play cards without some bet involved. But it really wasn't a far win," she explains, turning back to Robin. "You have a terrible tell. You giggle whenever you bluff."

"Yeah, Scherbatsky, what was up with that?" Barney asks. "I thought you worked on it. The last few times we all played one of Marshall's ridiculous games, you never – Wait a minute." His eyes sparkle with amusement as he looks over at her. "You threw the game, didn't you?"

She merely shrugs, smiling. "I'll guess you'll never know."

"You little minx," he grins.

Robin laughs. "I'll wait outside for the cab," she says, offering him a chance to say goodbye to his mother in private. She subtly skims her hand over his for a moment, her thumb softly rubbing a circle into his palm, before she leaves.

Barney smiles broadly, his eyes following her to the door. When she closes it behind her, he turns his attention back to Loretta, only to find her staring at him in awe. "What?" he asks.

"You're in love with her," she says.

"I, ah….." He fidgets, adjusting his suit coat, but his mom continues to stare him down until he finally gives up. "Maybe."

"Barney, you promised me if you found your someone special you wouldn't run away from it, that you'd try."

He lets out a heavy breath. "Okay. Yes. I am. A lot."

"She loves you too, you know."

"She does?"

Loretta nods, hear heart melting at the hopefulness in her son's voice. "I can see it in the way she looks at you. But she's stubborn. Like I was. She doesn't want to admit it, but it's there." Barney smiles. "Now go make her admit it. Bring me back a real daughter-in-law this time."

He blanches at that. "Whoa, whoa. I'm sorry, Mom, but…." He sighs, still not wanting to disappoint his mother. But she did say she'd always love him, no matter what. "I know this might be hard for you to hear, but I don't think I'll ever get married. Robin either. That's….we're just not good at the whole relationship/commitment thing." He shakes his head. "It's just not us."

Loretta laughs as if she knows better. "Never say never, Barney. Who knows? One day I might be dancing at your wedding."

Barney wants to argue with her further, to tell her how wrong she is, but she's been sick and she's just as stubborn as he is, so he lets it go.

On the ride home, Barney turns to Robin, taking her hand. "Listen," he says, absently running his thumb over her knuckles, "I hope today wasn't too weird for you."

"There were some definite elements of weirdness, yes." Loretta's revelation to her in the living room was one thing she didn't plan on telling him anytime soon. "But I did have fun."

"I'm glad." He pauses, looking back out the window but not letting go of her hand. "My mom really likes you."

Robin scoffs, not quite believing him. "After what we did?"

"I was the one who talked you into it," he points out.

"Yeah, but I was the one she heard."

"You couldn't help it. I'm just that good." Barney gives her a wink accompanied by his signature whip cracking sound.

Robin laughs. "So your mom says."

"What?"

"Nothing." She loops her arm through his, snuggling closer. "You know, Young Barney, with the comic books and the dinosaurs and all the outer space stuff?"

"What about it?" he asks, bracing to get made fun of.

"It's actually pretty cute."

Barney smiles at her, full of open affection and unmasked happiness. "I think young girls who play hockey are pretty cute too." His face changes as he hears the words. "Wait, that didn't – "

"Yeah, you might not want to repeat that."

Barney laughs and so does she. "I just meant we both had a rough start but it made us the people we are now, so…."

"Absolutely. And since we're both so awesome now, that's all that matters."

"Right," he agrees. They lapse into a comfortable silence, holding onto each other in the darkness, until Barney asks, "You're not gonna tell Ted and Marshall about the sewing circle, are you?"

"No. No, I promise I won't," Robin laughs, kissing him. "But tonight we will do your seventeen-year-old fantasy number two."

Barney's eyes go wide with pleasure. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."