Authors note: People actually read my Everlark fic! I'm so pleased. Granted, not many of them reviewed but that doesn't matter. If people read it, then it's worth writing it. So, I wasn't sure whether to add this to You and I or whether to keep it separate and decided to add it on. It's not so much a story as such, but more a series of moments after the war etc. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this. Please, pretty please, review if you liked it? If you review and have tumblr, tell me your url (through here or tumblr) and I'll promo you. Lol. Yes. I went there. Thank you :)
It was her blue eyes that changed it all.
Katniss wasn't sure what to expect with Peeta and herself looking so different. She was sure the baby would look like Peeta because with each kick, each movement, she felt his strength. Throughout the pregnancy, from the very first moment, she had felt it inside her. Strong, determined to be out of its temporary home and it was that that scared her but also reminded her of Peeta and his determination to get back what he used to have.
And they did, though it took some time. But once they were back there, it felt right and Katniss was no longer afraid of Peeta's words. They helped each other through the nightmares and now, 16 years after the war, the nightmares had begun to subside. They would never leave, and both Katniss and Peeta knew this, but they were easier to deal with now.
But the pregnancy seemed to bring them back for Katniss. While Peeta's nightmares had all but disappeared and it was only brief moments where he would be paralyzed with fear and Katniss would have to soothe him, recite to him where he was and reassure him that she loved him, most of the time he was there with a smile, reminding Katniss again and again why she did love him. It was harder for her though.
The games still haunted her memory, the thoughts of her own children being forced into a sick tournament to compete to the death, losing yet another person who she loved. It took plenty of convincing, not just from Peeta, to turn her around to the idea of having a child. Haymitch played his part too though his words were slightly more forceful than Peeta's, they still had an effect.
The physical transformation of her body shocked her slightly, as if it was all a dream until that moment when she could see herself changing, making way for the small child that was growing inside her. On the mornings when Peeta would be busy baking, the smell of fresh bread wafting through the house, she would stand in front of the mirror naked, analyzing every inch of her protruding stomach. Sometimes she would cry, sometimes she would just stare at the bump, wondering what would come of it.
When she was almost full term, the panic attacks started. They would seize her unexpectedly at any moment, whether in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning and she could become overwhelmed with fear, tears falling down her face and unable to escape the anxiety. Visions of her children being forced into the games, of Peeta being forced back into the games and having to watch it all swum in front of her eyes and she would cry out for Peeta, for Prim, for all that she had lost. It was as if there had not been any time between the war and now, and the panic attacks brought back everything as if it was just yesterday.
But Peeta was always there. He would hold her until it had passed, whispering her list. Every act of kindness, every good thing she had seen someone do, until the feelings of unbearable fear were gone. They only ever lasted a few minutes but Katniss would feel drained for the rest of the day, unable to relax for fear that another attack would grip her again.
When she had little but a few weeks to go the real panic began to set in. The reality of what was going to happen to her, of what she was bringing into the world and how it would change both her and Peeta forever seemed to finally hit her and she woke one morning to find herself trapped in an immense fear that had her paralyzed as she lay in bed, tears forming in her eyes in a second. She couldn't move, couldn't find the energy to even make a sound and wake Peeta, but lay there with silent sobs wracking her body.
She cried for so much, for so many people. The faces of those she had lost swum before her eyes but the most prominent was Prim and it was when she closed her eyes and saw Prim's smiling face that she cried out, certain that the birth of this child was a bad idea though she couldn't make the connection to Prim. Peeta woke instantly at the sound of her and moved close, cradling her carefully so as not to hurt her severely swollen stomach.
"Katniss, it's okay." He soothed, his voice falling over her but had no affect and she continued to cry, whispering Prim's name to herself. Peeta pulled her even closer, his kisses on the top of her head calming her only slightly. "Was it a nightmare?"
Katniss could only shake her head; the pain was too raw and too real at that moment for her to talk and Peeta accepted this, holding her tight. It felt worse than what her nightmares usually consisted of. She would come out of nightmares quicker than this, convince herself that it was a dream and nothing else but Prim's face had been right there, as if she was in the room with Katniss and that's what had affected her. But again, it confused her as to what Prim had to do with the child inside of her.
"It was Prim." Even speaking her name caused fresh tears to form in her eyes but she took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. She sat up slightly, Peeta moving with her, his arms never leaving her. The look of concern on his face sent a rush of emotion through her but she ignored it and focused on her sister, her beautiful sister. "I saw Prim and it was so real Peeta. It was so real."
"Maybe it was in a way, Katniss." He said quietly and she looked at him, confusion on her face and he shrugged slightly. "I don't know. My father used to tell me stories of things that went on years ago, before the Dark Days." He paused, wrinkling his forehead and Katniss knew he was struggling to remember the memory, forcing more recent, darker memories aside to retrieve this one concerning his father.
"Your father worked in the bakery with you, remember?" Katniss prompted, temporarily forgetting her pain as she helped Peeta work through his thoughts.
"I remember. He told me all sorts of things but one always stuck with me. He said there were certain people back in those days who were said to be able to see people. People that have passed, I mean. At the time I didn't believe him – I was only a kid, I thought he was just trying to scare me. But in our first games before you found me at that river, I thought about it a lot." He paused again and Katniss realised she was hanging on his every word, desperate for the next as if he would somehow say something that would enable Katniss to bring Prim back, ridiculous as it sounded. "The thing is Katniss, you loved Prim more than anything. And she loved you the same. She would never really leave you."
"But Peeta, she's – "
"I know. I know that, Katniss." His voice was patient, calm. More tears stung her eyes now and he took her hands in his, speaking clearly. "But you loved her so much, she is never going to leave you. She's in here." He put their joint hands on her chest above her heart and Katniss let out a sob. "Prim is always with you, Katniss. Always."
That word, their word, did it. But then Peeta's words always had a way of working inside of her and tattooing themselves across her heart, calming her with such ease that Katniss knew without him she would be lost. Their hug was tight, a thousand words passing between them in that moment. Katniss whispered a thank you into his hair, breathing in his scent and in that second, she felt a kick.
Peeta pulled back, his eyes alight and a smile flickering across his face as he glanced down at her stomach. "Was that – "
Katniss nodded, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand and grabbing Peeta's, placing it on the spot the baby had just kicked. They waited for another moment, Peeta holding his breath before it kicked again and he smiled bigger this time. Katniss watched him, a broad smiling gracing his face and the love in his eyes reminded her of why she agreed to do this.
The day she arrived was the first day of spring and although Katniss didn't make the connection until after, it was incredibly fitting. Peeta had spent the morning baking and it was late afternoon when they were sitting together quietly going through the book when she felt the first pain. The contractions had come on quickly and out of nowhere and Katniss had barely been able to direct Peeta. They had arranged a plan a week beforehand and now Peeta kissed her swiftly on the nose, rushing out the door to meet the nurse who he had just finished talking to on the phone. Katniss knew enough that the baby wouldn't be arriving straight away and despite his protests, she had sent him out to meet the nurse so she could have her moment.
Peeta had helped her into the bedroom before he had left and it was now that she sat on the edge of the bed, her hands around her stomach and sweat beginning to cover her body as the pain slowly grew and grew. Taking a deep breath she closed her eyes and almost immediately Prim's face was there. Katniss studied it, taking in the long blonde hair that was so unlike her own, her kind face so full of hope and then her eyes, her piercing blue eyes that seemed to radiate kindness. It was all she needed.
Peeta crashed through the door with the nurse but Katniss was already half way there. Maybe the baby could sense how difficult the whole thing was for Katniss or maybe it was just luck that gave her an easy birth but within ten minutes of Peeta's arrival, the baby was crowning and after a final push, it was over.
Silence. That was the first thing she noticed and dread seemed to fill Katniss until she could see nothing but the nurse, holding the baby carefully and examining it. For a heartbeat, Katniss was sure something was wrong but then the sound of her cries filled the room and Katniss let out the breath she wasn't aware she had been holding.
"It's a girl." The nurse said quietly, a small smile on her face. She wrapped her in a blanket, wiping her face and eyes before moving around the side of the bed to pass her to Peeta when she stopped crying. Katniss became scared once more at the idea of holding such a tiny, fragile thing and watched carefully first as Peeta held her, the love and adoration on his face clear as tears rolled down his cheeks. She glanced down at herself, red faced, sweating and breathing heavily at the exertion of it all and had half convinced herself that she was dreaming.
"Katniss, do you want to hold her?" Peeta asked and she nodded softly, aware that the nurse had left the room. He moved closer, leaning down and carefully passed her over. As he did so she caught sight of a head of dark hair but then the blanket she was wrapped in fell forward and covered her face slightly and with a shaking hand, Katniss moved it aside to see her daughter's face for the first time.
It was her blue eyes. Prim's blue eyes. The colour of them, the shape, everything was the same and Katniss gasped softly at the sight of it. The child lay in her arms, her cries having died out when Peeta had held her and she stared at Katniss. Peeta must have noticed her eyes too but Katniss ignored him, drinking in the face of her daughter and the eyes that would forever remind her of Prim. The dreams suddenly made sense with such clarity that Katniss was unsure as to why she didn't understand before.
The feeling of wanting to protect this small bundle in her arms was as strong as it had been when Prim's name had been pulled from the reaping ball, when Katniss had stepped forward and altered the course of their lives forever. The connection between this child and Prim was because Katniss now felt the same intense love and protection towards her daughter that she had towards Prim and the fear of not being able to do so was prickling at her, as if tempting her to think about it. But the sight of those blue eyes, of Prim's face, of the realization that it was the first day of spring fit together too nicely for Katniss to get lost in worries and fear. This tiny girl had changed her throughout her pregnancy, and now she had changed her again.
"What do you think about naming her Prim?" It was the question she had been about to ask but Peeta beat her to it and she looked up at him then, finally tearing her eyes away from the child in her arms. He was watching them carefully, one arm on her shoulder as he leaned forward and kissed Katniss softly on the head. "She has her eyes, doesn't she?"
"She does." Katniss agreed, turning back to their child and smiling softly to herself. "Prim." Katniss whispered to herself and Prim moved in her arms, curling towards her, her eyes slowly drifting shut. All worries and fear had escaped leaving Katniss only with a love so strong it surprised her slightly. Peeta had been right. But then how often was he not? Prim would always be with her, in one way or another. Always.