Charming

Chapter Eleven – Let It Out

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Disclaimer: I still don't own anything but the plot.

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Hermione didn't speak to Draco again for a whole week after the events in the Charms classroom.

Firstly, she wasn't given the opportunity. The only times she did see him were across corridors or classrooms, and every time she caught his eye he hurriedly looked away before disappearing through the nearest exit.

Secondly, even if she had been presented with a chance, she had no idea what she'd say. Hi Draco, we haven't spoken in a while, I don't know if you remember the last time we did – we kind of kissed and I was already preoccupied with you and now I really can't get you off my mind. So. Done that Arithmancy essay yet?

Yeah, that would go down so well. And her dreams – both magical and unassisted – certainly weren't helping her state of mind. Every day and every night, Hermione was visited by a Draco Malfoy in varying degrees of shirtless-ness that seemed bent on either snogging her senseless or ignoring her completely – which was ultimately just confusing. Even when she resolved not to use the Daydream Charms any more, she spent entire lessons with her cheek resting on her hand, staring at the back of someone's blond head and contemplating the mystery he presented.

He still seemed so sad – as far as Hermione could tell from the glimpses she got of him – and more determined to be distant and solitary than ever. But why? Surely socialising a little would lift him out of his depression? It had seemed to, when she'd talked to him in the past...

Hermione sighed. Awkward as any encounter between them was sure to be, maybe she ought to try to scrape up the courage anyway. But... I just don't know what to do.

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Granger was everywhere. For an entire week following that day, whenever Draco turned a corner, she was there and looking at him. And every time his cheeks would light up bright pink because of course all he could think of was the stupid Mistletoe Charm incident. Which is idiotic because of course both of us would be better off completely forgetting that it ever happened, he thought.

For all Draco knew, Granger had already done just that – but he couldn't. Suddenly all he could think of was how unbearably soft Granger's lips were, and how deep and huge and brown her eyes were, and the little gasp of surprise she'd made when he kissed her the second time – purely out of necessity, of course – and how inexplicably nice she'd been to him since the start of the school year.

It was all a mystery. He knew what everybody else thought of him – he heard their whispers in the hallways – but Granger... She seemed to be different.

And that's the only reason you're such a mess about her, he told himself. You're stupid enough to think she doesn't hate you just because she hasn't tried to hex you yet. Her skin probably crawls every time she thinks of your filthy Slytherin lips touching hers, if she even thinks about you at all. As if she would. Nobody in the world cares about scum like you now. Why would they? You're pathetic.

So whenever he caught her eye by accident he'd look away, knowing that a worthless piece of dirt like him didn't deserve to even think about her. And when he watched her grin at Potter or Weasley, chuckling as she shared a joke with them between classes, he just fought back the prickling behind his eyes and sunk further into the shadows.

I don't deserve anything that makes me happy.

~oOo~

Hermione was on her way to the Library on a Friday afternoon, determined to find some book or other to distract herself with, when it happened again. Stepping briskly along the frigid corridors, she heard the quiet but unmistakable sound of sniffling.

She turned the corner and came face to face with the doors to the old Charms classroom. Cautiously, she pushed one open... and there he was, sitting on a desk, head bowed, sobbing.

"D-Draco?" she breathed.

He looked up and drew his wand instantly; it was shaking at least as badly in his hand as she remembered from the memory in Harry's Pensieve. He sniffed and tried to wipe his eyes with the sleeve on his other arm. "What do you want?" he asked, his voice shaking too.

Hermione was overwhelmed by a wave of mixed emotions. Her heart went out to the tear-stained boy standing in front of her – it was impossible for her not to feel compassion for his distress – but at the same time she felt confused and curious, as well as embarrassed about their last encounter in this very room, and a little worried by his aggressive response besides.

There was a pause while she tried to sort out her feelings and he stared at her. "Put your wand down – I just found you by accident," she finally replied.

"Am I really supposed to believe it's coincidence that you keep happening to find me?" Still he kept his wand pointed at her chest.

"Well," she said cautiously. "Why else would I be here?"

He said nothing for a few long moments. Then: "Why do you keep seeking me out? Are you trying to do my head in?" His eyes were a little clearer but his voice still trembled.

"No," Hermione said, suddenly annoyed. "If anything I'm the one who should be on edge here, considering I'm the one having the wand pointed at me!" It was true enough, but she regretted saying it the moment she spoke.

Thunderclouds seemed to roll over the Slytherin's expression. "This is because I was a Death Eater, isn't it?" he burst forth angrily.

"Of course it's not—" Hermione began, but he cut her short.

"You're just the same as the rest of them!" he cried. "That's why you're being all nice to me, isn't it? Trying to get under my skin so you can expose the Death Eater at Hogwarts, aren't you? Well it's not going to work, so you can run right back to your stupid scarhead boyfriend and leave me the hell alone!" He seemed to be fighting tears again, and there was a note of desperation in his voice as though he was trying to make sense of everything but barely knew what page he was on.

Hermione did her best to keep her tone level and logical. "I'm trying to be nice to you because you look like you need it, Death Eater or not. And—" she added quickly before he could cut her off again, "Harry is notmy boyfriend. He's with Ginny, you know that."

"Hah!" the Slytherin spat. "I'm not that stupid. I've seen you with him... the Boy Who Conquered Everything. Closer than Kneazles in mating season."

"Draco, Harry's my friend. That's all he's ever been. I mean it." But why does that matter to you? she wanted to add.

He looked at her for a long moment before dropping his wand. His shoulders slumped as he sat back down on the desk and he sounded tired when he said, "It makes no difference whether you're with Potter or Weasley or whoever. You can stop pretending to give a damn about me and go back to them. You're wasting your time."

Hermione considered him in silence, long enough that he looked up at her again, confused. He opened his mouth and she took a few uncertain steps towards him. "Draco... Whether you believe it or not..." She took a deep breath in and bit her lip; her next words tumbled out almost too fast to be understood. "I don't know what's going on but you just seem so miserable all the time and it doesn't make sense but I do care and you're interesting and I've been wanting to talk to you and I want to help and I would if you'd just let me."

He blinked at her incredulously. "What?"

She took another couple of steps, stopping several metres short of the desk he sat on. "I just want to talk to you because I care, not for any other reason. Death Eater or not, you're still a person."

His eyes were very wide, and his next comment was very quiet. "I'm no more a Death Eater than you, now. Look." And he pulled the sleeve of his jumper up, exposing his left forearm.

Hermione stepped forward tentatively, and saw to her amazement that where the Dark Mark should have been – where she knew it was – there was only pale skin.

"It's gone," she said, looking up at him with astonishment written across her face.

"It faded after he was killed," said Malfoy quietly, still subdued. "After a few months you could only see the outline, and now there's nothing unless you look very closely. So I'm clean. Effectively." He turned to look at her suddenly. "But it doesn't change anything." He didn't wait for her to reply, looking away again. "People still treat me the same, if not worse. And they're right. It doesn't change what I've done." He hung his head in his hands. "I'm a horrible excuse for a human being, I... I hate myself."

"Draco." Hermione's heart was beating painfully in her chest; she was at a loss for what to do, very aware that he'd just admitted something very deep and dark to her that no-one else had heard before. She closed the remaining distance between them, sat on the desk beside him and placed her hand on his arm.

He looked up very suddenly at the contact. "Why are you...?" he whispered. "Why aren't you running away? I— for Merlin's sake, I fucking tortured you last year. Why are you still here?" He seemed almost afraid.

Hermione shrugged, looking at her feet. Bringing that up was confusing. "I don't know. Last year... That still hurts, but it wasn't your fault. So... forgive and forget, I guess? Look, I'm here because I know the real Draco Malfoy is there underneath that guard you're always trying to hide behind. And... I'd like to get to know him."

She sneaked a glance at him and he was spluttering. "But— I— I'm—"

"Maybe it'll help if you let it out," she suggested softly. "I'll hang around."

"Hang around?" he whispered. "In... in what way?"

Hermione felt herself beginning to blush, and focussed her gaze firmly on her shoes. "In whatever way you like." I wish I knew what he's thinking! I can't tell if he means what I think he does.

"What—what about Weasley?" he asked.

"Ron? What about him?"

Malfoy was silent for a minute, examining his own shoes. "Or whoever you're with."

Oh. "You know we're not together anymore," she replied, understanding. "We're too different; it would never work."

"And we're not that different?" he shot back. "Hermione—" She repressed a reaction to his use of her first name and he went on, "—I'm practically your polar opposite."

She was beginning to have concerns for her frantically beating heart; was Draco really admitting that he liked her? "Are you trying to find an excuse to stop... whatever this is from happening?"

"No," he said. "It's just..."

"Why would you tell me all of this, just to push me away again?" she asked quietly.

He looked up then, and his eyes were shiny with tears again. "Maybe I think you deserve better. I'm not worth it. I..." he stopped again and closed his eyes, causing new tears to roll down his pale cheeks. Silence.

Hermione couldn't stand it any longer. His eyes snapped open in surprise as she wrapped her arms around him, and they sat there awkwardly for a few moments before he shifted and relaxed against her side, his head nestled against her shoulder. Slowly he reached an arm around her, too, and screwed his eyes shut as he sobbed. They stayed like that until Draco had cried himself out.

"Bit better now?" Hermione asked gently, making no move to shift away from him.

He nodded against her collarbone. After a pause he spoke, his voice still slightly thick from crying. "It's just... it's always been hard. And now I've got no-one anymore, not even my parents... I just feel stupid and helpless and worthless all the time. And alone."

Her grip on his shoulder tightened slightly, sensing how hard it must be for him to say that. Her breath ruffled his hair gently as she said, "You don't have to be alone, Draco. I can be there for you, if only you'll let me in."

"Aren't you worried about what everyone else will think?" he asked quietly.

"No," said Hermione simply. "I'm not."

~oOo~

Author's Note: OH MY GOODNESS SO MUCH ANGST! Sorry about that... it was sort of necessary, though. Draco is a bit broken, after all. He'll take a while to heal.

Also! UPDATE, YES! :D And we're nearing the end now, finally, and a lot sooner than I thought we would! (Thank goodness for long weekends.) I have one more chapter to write, but I could technically leave it here if you guys wanted me to.

So, do you want another chapter, or rather not? (It would likely be a slightly shorter chapter since this one became so long, but still.) Please review and let me know!

Lastly, thank you to everyone who has been reviewing! I've replied to all the ones that had reply links; to the anonymous reviews or anyone I've missed, a big thank you too. Each of your reviews makes me smile. :)