5:15am 28th July 2010

You know something Light? Today when you hugged me, I had tears in my eyes. Not because you hurt me, quite the contrary if truth be told. I really don't know how to put this, but I resent physical contact. It has something to do with my upbringing but that is a story for another letter at some other time. You were going away for the whole day for a debate competition and then you hugged me. I know I froze, and that that upset you but please don't judge me for that. I am not quite the social person that you are and the hug took me by surprise, considering how badly we fought just the day before. I know what is like to be hurt by the ones we love; it destroys the fabric of our reasoning and emotions take over, which is a weakness but we promised we would be there through thick and thin. I know when you were upset and masked it with aggression; I know I should have seen right through and been there for you. But I am not perfect Light. Please don't expect something from me that I am not and can't be. Not you. When people place their expectations on me, I usually am not bothered enough to care. They are simpletons and to match to their expectations is not only moronic, but a disgrace. But not you Light. Not you. You are the only one who is my equal. So I beg of you not to place me on a pedestal I cannot possibly reach and hurt you. I refuse to hurt you, even though it didn't seem like that yesterday.
Light-kun, in your rage, you yelled exasperatedly why we should even fucking bother and why be moral because the world is a rotting place anyways. Your little sister was hurt. Little, eight-year old, innocent Sayu. I agree. The world is rotting away but that is even more reason for us to uphold our integrity and morality. I refuse to let you stoop down to these low-lives. Trust me, Sayu will be fine. She is a Yagami after all. And she has you, Light. She will be alright. But I am worried about you. The strange gleam in your eyes, the raw fury, molten and undisguised, scared me.
I have been thinking a lot about your question. Why be moral? Is it to justify our actions to ourselves? Or is it due to social pressure? Or even due to the Divine Command? No...Spiritual reasons...it still comes down to explaining our actions. The spirituality maybe the path but the destination is feeling good about one self, to explain our actions and to ease our guilt. You thought you would be able save your sister if you hurt the person who hurt Sayu. But that is you rationalizing because even you know you are not Justice. I guess we are all moral because we all have some principals we base our actions on. But as per the our perception of the world, only some are outwardly recognised as "moral" as they conform the most to the societies "morals" that are actually just methods to co- exist peacefully.
I am sorry. All I am trying to say that hope is a tricky, complicated thing, but sometimes we ought to hold on because that is all we have. We have to be moral and keep hoping. Even if it gets tough. I promised I would be there to comfort you but making you see reason was even more important. I could have easily agreed with you and eased your rage but it is when we are angry that we do not pretend. And even though I was scared, it wasn't for me. It was for you. I am your friend Light, and if the need be, I will protect you from yourself. So I am sorry for yelling back at you, hitting you and not giving the comfort you sought. But some things are more important.
I was almost tempted to believe that you saw my reasons when you hugged me but I am not going to be deluded. I knew you disagree with me but that is alright Light-kun. I will be there, always, to remind you of who you are, even if it means you hate me. When you hugged me today, I cried. Because that simple gesture gave me hope. And I intend to hold on it.

Heil Fuhrer

-Years later, when L did indeed become Justice, he read this letter every night before going to bed. And he shed a tear or two every time.-

11:37pm 4th September 2010

It is been a long time. I hope this brings a smile on your face. I just read the first ever History Text (1) known to exist. I was about to cry thinking about us, happy tears though. Tomorrow is Teacher's Day in India. I would say you are a nice mentor. From an early age I have been a lonely kind of a kid. Friendly but lonely. I can get along with people if I want to but I always felt pretty...insecure may be the right word.

You have mentored me into a better human being. Out of all of the people in the world you are the only one who is capable of making me do anything. And that is because I not only trust you a lot but also because I have learnt through experience that you are very good at giving advice and handling situations. I seriously consider you my role model. According to me you are perfect. You have also helped me with everything, if not physically then mentally and emotionally. You are my only source of ever-lasting strength, self-confidence, happiness and most importantly mental peace. Before meeting you I never knew that I could write stories or poems. It is like I can express myself completely around you. I have never been so open and truthful and comfortable with anybody in this world. You are like a katana. Hard iron on the outside but soft iron on the inside and that is what gives it strength. It takes a little effort to penetrate the hard iron but reaching the soft iron is worth the effort.

P.S. This is the 1st time I am thanking anybody on Teacher's Day.

P.P.S. I hope you rock tomorrow's assembly with your speech. It is truly inspiring.

P.P.P.S. It is raining. This reminds me of the huge smile you have when you feel the little drops of rain.

P.P.P.P.S. This entire mentor thing is completely true but it was partially an excuse for me to give you a history text ;)

Heil Fuhrer

12:01am 19th Oct 2010

Hey, Happy Birthday first of all to the dearest Sayu. It was exceptionally great to know that she is doing better and can begin going to school soon, after her car accident with the drunken driver.

The day I had been waiting for such a long time has finally arrived. Congrats! I am blushing right now. It has finally been a year of 'us.' I wonder what you are doing right now. You must be either sleeping or blushing like me or doing something else. I hope I could hug you right now. As you told me to, I replayed a few moments of this year. I thought about a subtle unordinary thing leading to the most beautiful phenomenon in my life. I thought about our talks about guys when we used to sit together. I thought about your list of the qualities you want in your dream guy and how I do not have any of them. I thought about how fascinating it was to sit beside an artist during art class and see him create masterpieces. I thought about how amazed you were when I got on my knees for you to apologise. I thought about those poems which I wrote in order to see you blush. I thought about how utterly devastated I was when we got separated for our 11th grade and then about how happy I was when a re-shuffling took place.

I thought about the lovely day I could spend with you without any distractions around us. I thought about how dumb I was to not notice your head on my shoulder. I thought about how wonderful it would be if we had kissed that day. I thought about how surprised you were when I proposed you and how long that language class felt when I was waiting for an answer. I thought about my depression when you said no. I thought about that moment when you for the first time said that you like me I thought about how generous and kind you are to forgive me despite all the shit I put you through. I thought about the day I finally realized that you are the perfect one for me. I thought about all of those History Texts (1).I thought about the day I was hugged by you. I thought about the first and simple yet beautiful and meaningful birthday card of my life. I thought about all the little arguments, fights, pranks and pretending- to- be angry incidents that put smiles on our faces.
I thought about all the times you have taken care of me as a brother.

I thought about the heavenly touch of your soft hand on mine. I thought about the school trip. I finally thought about the most beautiful and joyful and cute smile I have ever seen. All of this brings me to the conclusion that I am really lucky to have a perfect best friend, a perfect soul mate and a perfect brother. It has seriously been the greatest honour of my life being your best friend. Well it has been one hell of a journey and you are still just as intriguing as you were when we first met.

Heil Fuhrer

-This letter did not reach Light as L read Light's letter first.-

Light to L~

Dear L,

I am sorry it has to be this way. I did not ask for any of this and I am sure neither did you. I write this letter because I lack the courage to know how much I hurt you and how much I am hurting you now. Even if you do not, your eyes will tell me. I am compelled and a coward, so bear with me, one last time.

Where do I begin? Out first conversation when you gave me the artillery presentation making all those goofy finger guns would be a good start or the time we found our common love for mints? Or even the time I pressed an ice pack on your sprained ankle, when I didn't even know you, but I knew then too that I had to help you, because no one else would. That is my rule of life you know? If not me- then who? I do not why I have to do this but I do need to. Consider part of experience.

Experience. May I tell you that I had the best times of my life with you? What has happened up till now in the last few weeks was yet another turning point in our lives and sadly it does not bring us any closer. People have been falsely saying that we have drifted apart and it is true. You have changed and so have I. Why didn't you notice this L? It was so apparent to everyone else.
Do you remember the time when we cracked the math equations and the little celebrations that followed? I do, and I am still embarrassed about the little, ah, accident. You are the single most wonderful person in my life and that is saying a lot.
L, I wish to keep our memories as happy as we had been with each other and I hope you will be kind enough to ignore me from here on and I will return the favour. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

With my life, and best wishes for your future,
Light Yagami.
(Why did I just sign my full name? It is weird...)
P.S. I hate mints now and I hate you.

A/n
1) Referred to as the History Texts as these letters were passed on to each other hidden between the pages of their History textbook.

2) This chapter has now been beta-ed and replaced.

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