I was a little surprised at the response to this story right away. Thank you all so much for your support. It appears some chapters will be longer and some a bit shorter, such is life hopefully you all don't mind!

Oh Bella, the most amazing thing happened today!

I was laying in bed, half asleep since deep sleep is no longer an option, when I heard Alice begin to wake up. Instead of crying, though, I heard soft cooing. You know I never understood why they called it cooing until I heard it for myself. It's not quite enough sound to be constituted as babbling but enough sound to make sweet little humming noises.

Somehow I managed to sneak out of bed without drawing attention to myself. Crossing the floor I paused when a loud creek emitted from the wood beneath me. Alice didn't falter though and I smiled quickly closing the gap between myself and her crib. Peeking over the edge of the crib I felt my heart still at the sight before me.

Alice was pumping her legs fervently still making those cute little noises. Her arms flailed around her and I found myself biting my lip like you so often did worrying that she may hit herself in the face. Suddenly she spotted me. Her face broke into a huge grin and I'm pretty sure I completely melted at the sight.

She is so beautiful, Bella, it takes my breath away.

Somehow she has inherited the dimples from Emmett, and her skin is going to be fair like yours. Put that together with her dark eyes and she is beyond amazing. She really doesn't have any hair yet, but I am excited to see what color it ends up. I can already tell I'm going to be in trouble when she gets into high school.

It was such an amazing moment but I found an ache in my heart that I couldn't quite place. I called my mom and Rose to tell them the news, of course they rushed over right away to see if they could get her to smile at them. Leaning against my door frame I watched them interacting on the couch.

I couldn't help but to imagine how different everything would have been had you still been here.

I imagine you would have been breastfeeding her like you always talked about. Instead of running around to make bottles we would nestle Alice between the two of us. While you fed her I would get the diaper and wipes ready to change her.

You would hold her close to your bare skin, patting her back lightly as her cheek rested up against your chest instead of mine. Alice would fall asleep listening to the soft beat of your heart while I would gaze at you two lovingly as you slept, silently thanking you for giving me such a precious gift before holding my two favorite girls close to me.

And this morning I would've woken up before you, pulling you close to me to spend a little time just the two of us before a hectic day of diapers and feedings. You would hear the soft cooing and bite your bottom lip as though to apologize for our time being interrupted. I would laugh at you so eager to get to Alice and smack your butt playfully when you jumped out of bed. You of course would swat at my hand, looking back at me with a finger to your lips telling me not to ruin your moment. I would listen, because when it came to you I could never deny you anything.

I can see you peeking over the crib the same way that I did this morning. It's almost like I can hear you gasp in shock when Alice smiles at you, completely dazzling you. You would wave me over whispering to bring the camera. After tiptoeing over to you I would peer over at Alice myself, thinking I was sly. Of course she would notice me there next to you and grin up at us both. She would be elated to see her mommy and daddy and I imagine even more coos coming from her while she thrashed around wildly.

Her first smiling picture would be whitewashed and Alice would have blinked in surprise, her expression sour and confused after. You would laugh before picking Alice up, holding her close to you making the sour expression on her face disappear while you whisper a sweet "I love you" in her ear. Kissing Alice's cheek I would show you the picture making you laugh out loud at the image in the view finder but it would go in her scrapbook anyway because we can still tell shes smiling and the fond memory will never be forgotten.

But instead I am alone. I don't even know if where you are now you were able to see Alice's first smile. Instead I witnessed it alone with no bad picture and a lump in my throat. This should have been one of the best days in my life of many more to come.

After my mom and Rose left today I found myself not wanting to let go of Alice. Thankfully she didn't mind and seemed to feel the same way. We spent most of the day lounging in the rocker. I was shirtless, and Alice spent much of her time asleep on my chest, her drool tickling me slightly.

Did you know that she snores? I never thought I would find snoring so entirely adorable or enrapturing. With all the scary things we read about SIDS, I find myself grateful. Because as long as she's snoring loudly I know that she's still breathing.

Watching her face I tried so hard to cheer up. To be more excited about her first smile. Maybe in time it will be easier to a see a smile that looks so much like yours and not hurt knowing you're not here to witness it with me.

Sometimes I find myself running my thumb lightly over Alice's cheek. Her skin is so soft, and I am once again in aw at how so precious and vulnerable she is. In these moments I feel my heart clench.

I wonder if Charlie ever sat with you like this. Did he look at you and see so many possibilities? Did he imagine you dancing like a ballerina, or being a doctor? Did he vow to love you no matter what you did in your life or the decisions you made?

I can't even imagine the pain he must have felt at losing you. When I try to imagine it I find myself already shutting down. Maybe it's because I'm already in too fragile of a mindset to think about, but I can't imagine wanting to live for anything without Alice.

Maybe I'll call him tomorrow. He hasn't really seen Alice, although he calls often to check up on us. I imagine it's just as hard for him to see her looking so much like you as it is for me. Maybe it's even harder.

Can I just keep her like this forever? Safe in my arms, sleeping peacefully? I don't want to imagine her out in the big scary world. I think I'm starting to understand my mother's extreme protectiveness of us when we were children.

It never occurred to me, truly, what kind of world we were bringing our child into. Other things didn't matter to me nearly as much, because it didn't effect me. But now I feel like every time I hear about the anything in the news it's full of pedophiles, and parents mistreating their children. I feel my heart stop when I hear about school shootings, and sometimes I want to throw in the towel and say that Alice will only ever be home schooled.

I think about things I did growing up against my parents. Underage drinking, parties, people driving under the influence, friends dying in car accidents, and girls getting knocked up as teenagers. Those are only just the tip of the ice burg and I don't want Alice to be exposed to it. This is another moment when I need you here to tell me to stop being so neurotic.

Please watch over Alice while she grows up Bella, at least when I can't be there to do it.

Tell me mommy's, did you look at your babies and worry about any of these things? I certainly did. I also cried every time I heard anything on the news. It's not as bad for me now but some things still get to me.