Sorry it's been so long, have had oodles of in-law house guests the past few weeks taking up my computer room. This chapters a little shorter than the rest but very emotional.

Happy Birthday Bella.

Today has been especially hard for me. When I think of your birthday last year I remember it as such a special time. We had just recently found out we were going to be having a baby, and everything seemed to be perfect.

If I had known then that you would be taken from me only months later due to a brain aneurysm during childbirth would I have done it differently? Would I have insisted that you terminated the pregnancy?

It makes me sick just to think about it and I know I wouldn't have. That I couldn't have made you terminate a life inside of you just because I would lose you. But maybe I would've spent my time better with you. Maybe we could have gotten it diagnosed and treated sooner.

But I don't want to think about that today. Not on your birthday, because even though you are no longer here to celebrate your birth doesn't mean that I can't.

Charlie took Alice today. He told me it was because he knew it would be hard for me, but I really think it's his way of coping. When I look at things from Charlie's perspective I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose your child. To remember what it was like to once hold their tiny body in your arms when they were a baby. To watch them grow up and go out into the world, and then have them taken away from you so suddenly.

I cannot fathom what that kind of pain must be like. And even though part of me just wanted to hold Alice close to me all day, I know it will be good for him, and her, to spend time together on her mommy's birthday.

Instead I am laying here on our bed, wrapped in the comforter. I didn't bother to get dressed this morning and I can only imagine what I must look like. Nobody has bothered to call me or come see how I am doing today so I guess they're just going to let me have my time to grieve.

For the past hour and a half I have been laying on my side, staring at your empty pillow. I can still remember laying in this exact same pose last year, except you were staring back at me. A soft grin was on your face and your hair was wild from just waking up.

I can still recall running my fingers through the tangles, marveling at how soft your hair still felt. I wish I could run my fingers through your hair now. That you would grab my hand like you had, and pull it down to your lips where you teased my fingers with soft kisses.

Closing my eyes I can still hear your laughter when I had pulled the blanket over my head, disappearing beneath it as I kissed my way across your collarbones. Your skin always smelled so sweet. You were always so soft. The exact opposite of my own rough exterior.

Our limbs were tangled together, your cold toes pushing up against my shins trying to find warmth. You laughed at me when I tried to pull my legs away, tucking your head under my chin with a soft 'please?'.

"Why don't you ever wear socks to bed?" I had asked you more teasingly than serious. Even though every morning you did wake up with ice cubes attached to your feet.

"Because you would miss this." You whispered back to me, running your hand across my chest.

I had no idea how right you would be. What I wouldn't give to have your tiny frozen toes pressed up against me just one more time. I wouldn't even pull away from you I just want to have those times back for just a moment.

The room seems to grow darker, and I open my eyes to see that the sun is starting to set. As much as I would love to stay in our bed well into the night I know that I can't. I force myself out of bed, walking on weak knees to the first of many birthday's without you.

Trudging out to the balcony of our room I plop down into the chair, wrapping the blanket tightly around my shoulders. Despite the safe haven of the blanket I can still feel the cold bite of the metal against my skin. It is our tradition to watch the sunset on the close of every birthday.

"Isn't it beautiful?" I can almost hear you whispering, while I watch the sun disappearing behind the clouds as it makes its descent into the earth.

I close my eyes again, trying to hold onto the memories of the past. I'm not ready for this day to be over, instead I am willing it to be an entirely different day. When I finally concede that I can't my mind tries to recreate the feel of your fingers across my chest as you leaned down behind me, your chin resting against the top of my head. My hand moves up instinctively reaching for yours only to be met with my own cold skin and emptiness.

I don't even try to hold back the tears that are starting to prick behind my eyelids.

Opening my eyes I can see that purples and reds are splashed across the sky. Maybe it is beautiful to someone somewhere, but today I can't see it. Before the sun can completely disappear I am heading back inside, the pain too much for me to bear any longer.

When I fall onto the bed my eyes close in anguish and I wish I could disappear among our blankets. My hand grabs at the skin above my heart, trying desperately to find some release for the hurt. When the sobs finally come I feel like I am smothered. The heat of my own breath and tears engulf me beneath the fabric, so much so that I am finally forced to poke my head outside of the blankets, the cold air assaulting me, almost instantly drying my tears, but I can still feel the jagged lines they have cut across my skin.

Reaching across your pillow I pull the picture that had broken to me, the glass since replaced. Running my fingers over your face I feel the sobs welling up inside of me once again. I don't want to forget this, to forget you.

"I miss you."

Thanks for reading as always.