Hey guys, ok, now we can get to the actual story, you know all the basics now and the rest should be pretty easy to pick up on if I end up writing something in I haven't already informed you about, so let's get crackin'!

Just a couple reminders:
No I don't own OUAT or any of its characters. Would I like to? Hell yeah. Anyone who would like to have Hook shipped to me in a refrigerator box is more than welcome to. Message me and we will figure something out. ;P

Thanks guys and enjoy!

Chapter 1:

"You bastard, no. No! Get back here!"

They were at it again. It had been going on for weeks now, one thing leading to the next. This time Hook was hookless, chasing a madly giggling Hatter through the town who had it clutched in his hands as all the townfolk watched, certain that sooner rather than later someone was going to lose an eye.

They had passed ridiculous two weeks ago when Emma had actually had to arrest the both of them for having a literal pissing contest on the clock tower in the middle of town in broad daylight, escorting them both into the cramped back of her VW Bug that was still trying to operate as a makeshift police car as Hook tried to whisper innuendos about better things they could be doing with the two of them and some handcuffs into her ear as he leaned forward as far as he could in his seat and Hatter mumbled riddles about ravens and writing desks, and crumbs in butter between proposals for dinner the night after he is paroled. Unfortunately a night in the five by five cell they had to share had not done much to cool their rivalry as Emma walked into the station the next morning to find two grown men thumb wrestling for her affection.

That is when she decided enough was enough, she was through seeing either of them until they decided to grow up.

But her decision did not stop them from trying. And her decision did not stop their fighting either.

She had already been called in to end the usual cock fights, antics, and even a series of midnight duels for her hand or over her honor, or over which one had the right to take her honor (even Hook and Hatter were a little fuzzy over the details of that one). But this, this was getting out of hand and someone was going to get hurt.

It was Snow who came up with the solution.

"You know, dear, they are only doing this because you haven't made a decision or really given them a chance. If this was fairytale land then they would have come to your father or I to ask for your hand and the whole thing would have been sorted out that way, but its not."

"And a good thing too or the only thing being sorted would be someone sorting out what body parts belonged to what man by the time I was through with them."

Snow rolled her eyes at her daughter and continued, "But its not. And they don't really know how to act or do this sort of thing in this world. You know I'm not fond of either man but, please keep an open mind with me for just one moment. Remember that while Jefferson was here throughout the curse he was a little preoccupied with Grace and was cursed by never being able to fully integrate with this world. He had both places floating around in his head as he tried to figure out what the truth was. And Hook? Well he never existed here at all until Cora brought him over. And I highly doubt he ever had to work hard to seduce a woman, even in fairytale land. I mean you see, dear, how the girls react when it comes to him. Besides the fact that he doesn't seem the type to ever have had to court a woman properly before, he's never done it in his home world, let alone here."

Emma opened her mouth to protest but closed it as Snow held up a hand and continued, "I know it's a lot to think about but if you give them a chance it might be easier. Heaven forbid I'm not asking you to marry either of these men, but maybe this would give them the closure they need to move on and bother another woman, or maybe it will help you see a side of them you like. You can't deny that you find them attractive. I know you do. So go ahead. What's the worst that could happen? They can't do anything much worse then what they are doing already."

It was that talk from a couple days before that had Emma walking quickly as she could across the street, tripping Hatter before he could get away, watching him fall flat on his face at her feet. "Em… Em… Emma! Here, a token for you of my… affections" he said as he offered her Hook's pseudo hand like a bouquet of the finest, rarest flowers.

"That's right, love, arrest that miscreant. He is a public menace! He stole my hook! And once you're done with that maybe I could take you out to dinner, a reward for returning my hook to me. And, if you still have those handcuffs and that tube of whipped cream I know you bought last Sunday at two from the grocer's maybe we could have a little dessert and a tour of my ship. Its rather large and I think you'd find the captain's quarters to your liking."

"No. And hell no." Emma grumbled as she accepted the hook from Hatter only to toss it at its owner, not the slightest bit disappointed as it cut a thin line across the man's only remaining palm. "But I have been given some advice so I need to have a word with the both of you. Now. Move it, it's time we sorted this whole thing out once and for all.