Sometimes, he dreams about her. Nothing very serious, what she would have looked lke on their wedding day, what she would say at night.
They were sort; too short. Long enough for him to live it and short enough to cut him away.
Ianto knows –is it in his eyes?- and they end whatever they had. It hurts less than he wouldnhave thought.
Even though he sees her everyday, it isn't long enough. He still wants more of her, to own her like no one else would. It scares, him the longing he feels.
Sometimes, he day dreams about what it would be like to with her. To have her hair between her fingers. To die with her- he can't die- and love her and live with her.
The nights when he dreams are cold, solitary, seperated from the rest of the world, alone. Then, the only thing that keeps him sane is her, her voice. Her smile. He dreams of her lips on his, her body against his. It's sad, really, how much of his life is in dreaming –is it worth it?- but it doesn't matter.
He thinks they know –he hates Toshiko's knowing looks- he wonders if she knows –would it be so bad?- and sort of wishes she did.
He's so far away from her, so far that is physically hurts him. There is a constant ache in his heart. The only thought that keeps him sane is the thought of coming home to her. He would get to hug her and smell her berries and cream scent. He loved that smell –was it because he loved her?- and couldn't wait to see her again.
The dreams get worse –better?- and becomes more intense – I love you- and it hurts to wake up. His cheeks are always wet with tears and he can't believe he ever wanted to leave Torchwood –leave her-.
Through hazy eyes he watches what goes on around him, but he only sees her. To him, it hers footsteps he hears coming closer, her voice that talk to him. They can easily see the haunted look in his eyes –wasn't that their motive all along?- and the slump in his shoulders.
All he wants is her.
He's back and much happier. He told her of his thought –my only thought was coming home to you- and now his dreams are lighter, more loving. He can see something in her eyes and askes her about it but she doesn't tell him the truth –is there a truth?- and wishes she trusted him.
One night he can't remember anything. His dreams are full of hope and he wonders what happened.
He thinks his heart is broken.
There are new dreams, colorless and heartbreaking.
It's a gray afternoon and he sees Rhys walking with another woman. He asks her about and she tells him. He holds her while she cries and he cries too –he can't help it- and wishes her pain away. Her eyes are bleak and sad and he wants to hide her from the world and keep her safe, but he can't. She's strong- and so is he- but they all need someone to lean on.
He wonders if she dreams.
There is something in the air, something that has his stomach twisting with dread. He isn't quite sure what it means, but he watche her.
His dreams are fast and hard and painful and he wakes up sobbing. He doesn't like it, and worries.
He sees the alien tear at her and his world freezes. His gun fires and and he picks her up. He isn't aware what he's saying –please, no, not her, please, no, not her- and he thinks he's crying.
"Hey," she says and he looks at her and can see it in her eyes. She won't survive this.
She hands him a book the color of her hair.
"I will always love you," she says and her eyes close.
"I love you, too. Please, no, come back, not her, please not her!" He collapses and can't feel is pain, absolute pain.
His heart is shattered.
It's been a day and a half and he read her dream journal. It's like his dreams, and he loves her –so, so much- and he wants to die.
He's pretty sure his dreams are the only thing keeping him alive.
He can't die.