Just a note to a Guest: Just because we didn't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen. If you don't think Sam and/or Andy cared about each other, I disagree and I really don't think you're going to get much enjoyment from mine or many other stories in this section because we tend to be Pro-McSwarek around here. If all you're going to do is complain about how little one or the other cared, please don't bother reading or reviewing my stories. It's obviously a waste of your time and mine because you're not happy and at that point neither am I. Oh, and please don't presume to know why I've chosen certain actions because your opinion is probably skewed and likely not where I was coming from.

A note to all others, I apologize for my rant but there aren't too many options when someone doesn't sign in. I'm not naïve enough to think that everyone will like my story; I'm sure there are many that don't. But I am of the mind that if you like a story, tell the person. If you can see a way for them to improve the story because of grammar, spelling, punctuation, continuity (something constructive), tell them; we all want to do a good job. But I don't believe in telling someone how wrong the story is just because it doesn't suit my feelings or beliefs. This is how the writer sees it or perhaps hopes it will be and there is nothing wrong with that and nothing to fault in that.

If you don't like an idea, don't read it. My hope is that my story brings a smile because that is why I do it to make me smile and hopefully you too. If it doesn't make you smile (even through tears sometimes), find a story or fandom that does.

All that said, this chapter got more emotional than I thought it would. Sorry, may be a few more tears shed.

My thanks to SairsJ for the read over, it is greatly appreciated.

He could hear the disappointment in her voice. But there was no way he wasn't going and as much as he didn't need someone else to bear witness to his fall from grace, he knew he couldn't say no. "You busy right now?"

"What?" She was definitely not expecting that.

He gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and blew out a long breath before finally putting the truck into gear. "Meet me at McNally's in fifteen."

Traci's car pulled up behind Sam about twenty minutes later. She didn't even have it in park before he was out and halfway up the sidewalk to the entrance.

She had to jog a little to catch up with him and when she did, she put a hand on his arm to slow him down. "Sam…"

When his pace continued, she tugged him to a stop.

"What? I thought you would want to do this too."

Traci fidgeted from foot to foot; she did want to do it but... "Listen, Sam, if you're thinking of picking the lock, I really don't think…"

He slipped his arm from her grip and continued towards the door. "I have a key."

Traci stuttered to a stop and was frozen to her spot on the sidewalk. "You what? How?"

Sam turned around to face her but continued to walk backwards towards the door. Instead of answering her, he simply held up his keys and jingled them. When he reached the entrance, another occupant was just leaving and Sam spun around in time to grab the door and hold it open for them. He smiled at their thank you and then motioned Traci into the building.

She furrowed her brow as she walked through. "Those look like your keys."

"Not all of them," he answered before pushing the button on the elevator and staring straight ahead.

Traci was quiet for a moment and when the elevator doors opened she followed Sam in. She let the doors close before voicing her conclusion. "She put her key on there?"

Sam gave a curt nod.

"And she didn't…"

Sam was pretty sure he knew what she was asking. "I'm guessing she forgot."

Traci's brow wrinkled in uncertainty. "She wouldn't forget when she got home though. How would she get in if you had the key? And why wouldn't she ask for them back when she realized?"

Sam had been wondering the same thing, but he didn't want to question it too much. He hoped that it meant they still had a chance. He took a quick glance over but when he found Traci still staring at him in question, he couldn't hold her gaze. He focused back on the elevator doors before answering. "I don't know."

The rest of the elevator ride passed in silence and when the doors finally opened, Sam wasted no time in getting out.

Traci grabbed his arm again as soon as she was clear.

He turned to her in frustration. "What now?"

She looked at him nervously. "You would have called me right?"

"What?"

"I mean, if I hadn't called you, you would have called me to come with right?"

Sam blew out a long breath. "Yes, Nash, I would have called you. I was pulling out my phone when it rang."

Traci studied his face and even in his annoyance, he must have seemed sincere enough because she let go of his arm and then motioned him forward with hers.

When they got to Andy's door, this time it was Sam that took pause. He turned to a startled Traci who looked at him in question; he had been on a mission since they got there so why would he delay now?

The second Sam saw the door, he couldn't help but try to recall the last time he had been there; it bothered him that he couldn't really remember, that he didn't know exactly when it was and what they had been doing. And so he had to wonder; if she was here, would he be welcome. Would she want him here? He hoped she would, but couldn't say for sure. And as much as he wanted to go in, he didn't want to do anything that would be an issue when she got back.

"She'd be okay with this, right? I don't…" He hadn't thought about how Andy would feel until right this moment. Or maybe he just wasn't ready, he wasn't certain.

Traci could see the apprehension in his eyes and was pretty confident she knew why. She placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and offered him a sympathetic look. "I know she would be fine with me here; I do. I wish I could say she'd be fine with you too, but I truly don't know." She pulled her hand away and took a step back. "You really hurt her and I didn't get to talk to her much that day, but it was still pretty fresh even after a month and a half. I mean, Sam…does she have any idea how you feel? It's obvious that…" She paused as Sam's eyes grew wide. "I mean does she even know that…" She broke off again at the slight panic in his expression; she was going to have to tread lightly. "When was the last time you even had a real conversation?"

Sam moved his eyes to study the hall behind her. He was avoiding her gaze but not because he hadn't told Andy like Traci thought. "She knows," he whispered.

Traci's mouth dropped open. "What?" She hadn't had a chance to talk to Andy right after the bomb and then she was just gone. "How?" She heard Swarek had gone in the hotel after her but was pretty sure that Nick and Epstein were there too and there's no way Sam… "When?" Then the realization of what that meant hit her. Her voice quieted as the blood seemed to drain from her face. "And she left…"

Sure Nash, kick a man when he's down. She knew and she left, alright? Sam cleared his throat as he turned his back to her and focused on the lock. She didn't need to see how much that hurt. "Yup."

"Sam, I'm…"

He didn't even look up but she could see the tension in his neck. "Just… don't okay? Are we going in or not?"

Traci placed her hand on his shoulder. "I know she would want people to have the gifts and she would trust me…"

She felt Sam's body flinch under her touch and she started to stammer. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

Sam held up his hand to shake her off. "It's fine. I… it's fine."

Traci cleared her throat. "This is something she would want. So I got your back okay; we're in this together."

Sam blew out another long breath as he opened the door in front of him. He motioned Traci forward and took a couple of seconds to compose himself before following in behind her. She was right; with her here… well he was glad he had asked her. He could satisfy his need to feel a part of Andy and hopefully not make any waves.

When he got through the entry, Traci was already wandering over to the window with her nose wrinkled. She shifted the lock and then pulled it open to let in some fresh air. It was chilly but necessary. "That's better," she said taking a deep breath. She then ran her hands over her arms. "But don't let me forget it's open."

When Sam didn't answer her, Traci turned away from the window to look behind her. He was staring down at the side table along the back of the couch. She had no idea what could be so enthralling but he hadn't moved or made a sound in a while.

"Sam?"

He cleared his throat and looked up at her. "You check the closet out here and I'll check the bedroom."

If the living room had him in a daze, she could only imagine what memories the bedroom would dredge up. And she knew for a fact, where Andy kept her presents. Maybe she could save him from himself by going in there and bringing it out. "Are you su…"

The matter was dropped when his keys hit the table and he marched past her into the bedroom.

Oh-kay then. With a quick peek towards the bedroom, she slid over to the table to see what had caught his eye. The only thing she really saw was the glass tray where Sam put down his keys, but she quickly realized that they weren't the only set there. Andy's extra ring of keys were also in there, but that would mean she would have had to… Traci picked them up and twirled them on her finger. The key chain was new. She turned it over. The Who?

Sam came out of the bedroom. "Did you hear me?"

The keys fell from her hand when her head shot up. "Sorry, what?"

"Was there…" He looked from her to the tray and back. "Did you even get to the closet?" He huffed.

She glanced towards the entry before focusing back on Sam. "I, uh…"

He shook his head. "Don't bother I think I found something." He darted back into the room without waiting for her response.

"You did?" She called back trying to sound casual.

He was sliding a big box from the closet when she walked in. He glanced over his shoulder. "Big box stuck in the back marked Top Secret," he muttered sarcastically.

"You didn't notice it before," she fired right back at him.

Sam straightened up and glared at her from under his eyebrows. "Not really the type to go rooting through boxes in other people's places."

Traci dropped her chin and raised her eyebrows.

Sum huffed out a breath. "Whatever. The writing was against the wall, and now we have a reason so…"

Traci held up her hands in defense. "Hey, I'm in no position to judge."

'Damn right' she heard him mutter as she tried to hold back the smile.

"How do you want to…" He stopped mid-sentence when he noticed her continued amusement. "What the hell is so funny?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm excited okay," she tried. His skeptical look told her that she wasn't very convincing but she wasn't about to admit to what she was really thinking. "Open it up," she ordered.

She waved away his glare and smiled again when he began to pull open the top.

The first thing he lifted out was a jacket. His eyes met Traci's in surprise. Andy had said there was nothing for him in there but it appeared as if she was just trying to throw him off. It was definitely his style and a dark rich brown that Traci thought matched his eyes almost perfectly.

Sam was speechless; he didn't know what to say. It was a great gift. Traci watched in awe as he ran his hand across the front of it. Neither of them said a word as he moved to put it on.

She could see the feelings swirling around in his eyes until he just stopped short and furrowed his brow. She glanced down to see that he couldn't even get the jacket across his shoulders. It didn't fit.

He looked almost heartbroken that Andy could get the size so totally wrong. Traci was at a loss; she wanted to comfort him but she just didn't know him well enough to know what would be acceptable. She took one small step forward but his glare stopped her in his tracks. "Just… don't okay? She might as well give the damn thing to Epstein."

Traci's head rolled back as the realization washed over her. And this time she couldn't hold back the laughter. Sam's scowl grew the longer she snickered and that just made it all the more fun for her. When she finally calmed down, she started towards him again.

He was still glaring at her. "Don't even…" She took another step. "Nash," he warned.

"I needed that," she announced breathlessly.

"What the hell…"

She walked with purpose directly towards Sam smiling at his obvious discomfort about what she might be about to do. Instead of going to him though, she walked around him and picked the jacket up off the bed where he had tossed it. Sam watched as she reached into first one front pocket and then the other.

"Aha." She pulled a small piece of paper from the pocket and nodded as she read it. "God I miss that crazy head of hers," Traci announced.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Traci held up the note for him to see and there was one word scrawled on it - Dov. "It's not for you," she reiterated.

Sam shook his head. "Epstein doesn't wear stuff like that."

"No, he doesn't," Traci agreed before confirming what she knew he was thinking. "…you do."

Sam still didn't get it and Traci could tell by the look of confusion that remained on his face. "You're his man crush."

"His what?" Sam yelped.

"Man crush…"

"What the hell… Epstein likes… but he…"

"Oh for Pete's sake," she blurted, "he idolizes you okay. You're the kind of cop he wants to be."

"So he should dress like me?"

Traci started laughing again. "Of course not, but Andy knows how highly he thinks of you and this was her way of helping him along, giving him a little swagger. It's just… it's Andy. It's sweet and it's mocking all at the same time. She knows Dov will love it simply because it emulates you and the rest of us will get a kick out of it because he'll just be so giddy about it."

Sam still didn't quite get it but it did sound like Andy's logic.

"And now I know what I can get him," Traci boasted proudly.

Sam wasn't sure he wanted to hear this, but he didn't have a choice.

"A deep red, short sleeve t-shirt," she announced proudly.

Sam was shaking his head profusely. "I don't think so, Nash."

She could see the tell-tale twitch of his lip though so she pressed her luck a little more. "And Gail could get him a pair of aviators…"

The look on Sam's face told her that he was not impressed and it was time to stop; he wasn't getting near the enjoyment out of it that she was. "Fine, whatever, I already have his anyway," she conceded.

She was still chuckling quietly though when Sam pulled the tab back from the box again. But if she thought he was grumpy before, the next item to come out pulled even the smallest trace of humor from his face.

"Guess we know who this is for," he muttered holding up a camouflage stocking.

This was part of the reason why Traci wanted to be here; she needed to stop him from jumping to conclusions. "Don't read anything into it," she cautioned.

He peered into the box. "I don't see one for… anyone else in here."

"He's new, alright?" She explained. "He would need one… well, I guess not now but…"

She stopped short at the look of hurt that crossed Sam's face. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" Any attempts at making him feel better seemed to do the exact opposite so she tucked the rest of that away.

"We draw names okay. We each draw one name and buy a larger gift for that person. For the rest, we buy a small stocking stuffer. It was Andy's idea from when we were at the academy. She said she couldn't just get the rest of us nothing so she came up with a compromise that wouldn't be too pricey. She bought all stockings that year so I'm sure she just figured it was up to her to get Nick's; that's it."

She flipped the box back open and started to dig herself. "See."

She pulled out four items and began to flash them one at a time at Sam. "Book on raising a kid, has to be for Chris. Desk plaque with Dee-tective Nash on it," she bragged, accepting a proud but reluctant smirk from Sam. "Red lipstick, Gail. Oooh, that's a nice shade."

Sam cleared his throat to get her back on task.

Traci giggled self-consciously. "Sorry." She put the three items down on the bed and shifted the last one to her other hand. She opened the box again and rummaged around some more to make sure she had the last one right. She hated to think it, but it seemed a little too impersonal for something Andy might get Nick.

Unfortunately, she was right and she knew it when she came upon his real gift. "And a picture frame for Collins," she declared hastily waving it in the air before picking up the other three items and moving towards the door.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking them home so I can wrap them," she stammered without turning back. "Andy would want everyone to have them."

"But you don't have them all; are you…"

"I'm just getting a bag so I can carry them," she explained taking another step away.

But why couldn't she leave them here when she did that? She looked way too nervous. "Just leave them here and we can get the bag later."

"No, it'll be easier to pack them now."

"Fine, get the bag, but leave the presents here," Sam bartered pretty certain she was hiding something.

"Sam."

His patience had just run out. "Show me the damn frame, Nash."

Traci knew she had been caught red handed and reluctantly handed over the item.

Sam took a deep breath bracing himself for the disappointment of seeing a picture of McNally and Collins looking way too chummy. When he turned it over, he almost giggled in relief.

Traci was shocked; she was sure it was going to put him over the edge after his reaction to the stocking. "You're not mad?"

"It's fine, Nash. I had uh heard he was her… I knew." Sure he felt bad that she even needed someone to help her through it but a Break Up Buddy of the Year Award was so much better than seeing a picture of her smiling at someone other than him. A tiny grin fought its way onto his lips. Sure it was personal but not even close to what she gave him for his birthday, and at least she had someone when he was too foolish to be there. For some weird reason, it was a comfort.

Traci shook her head while she went to the cleaning cupboard to grab a garbage bag. She really did not understand Swarek's thinking.

When she came back in the room, Sam was rummaging through the box again. "What if she missed someone?"

"Huh?"

"Do you know everyone she buys for? What happens if you give out gifts and someone doesn't get one or what if you can't figure out who it's for?"

Traci started brushing the idea off immediately. "She's my best friend. I'll be able to figure it out. And if I see someone who's obviously missing, I'll just buy them something and put her name on it. Anyone else will have to understand. So who's next?" She wondered.

Sam pulled out a canvas type bag with a picture of a pop up tent on the outside of it. "Uh…"

Traci's smile was back in full force. She took the tent from Sam and tucked it into the bag before following it up with the other things they had tossed on the bed earlier. "That's for Leo. She promised him a camping trip next summer."

Sam nodded thoughtfully and Traci watched him in interest as she continued with her explanation. "She asked me if I wanted to go, but I'm not really much for camping. They'll probably need a ride at the very least, maybe someone with a truck to take all their gear," she suggested.

Sam huffed out a small chuckle. Nash was good. He had been thinking about what he would do if Andy invited him, but when he thought of being with her out under the stars, a tent and a 7 year old were not generally part of the picture. Still he would be willing to try… if she asked.

Traci grinned as she studied Sam deep in his own thoughts and when his face softened she knew he was imagining being with Andy. That part of him, the part that really loved her friend, that part was not hard to read.

When he realized Traci was staring at him, he cleared his throat. "You uh, had something else in your hand earlier."

"Oh, yeah," Traci realized. "It was a Timmy's card. I didn't think it was for… I'm thinking maybe for Oliver or my mom."

Sam shook his head. "I doubt she'd get anything for Shaw…"

"But she did write ou…" Traci changed her thought midstream. "Do you usually get him anything?"

"Not really. We always play poker at least once over the holidays, but Jer…" Sam's voice faded off but Traci wasn't sure if it was for her benefit or for his.

"You can talk about him in front of me, you know?" She encouraged softly.

Sam swallowed hard before trying to clear his throat. "I don't… it's not…" he finally settled with, "I know."

"I just wanted to make sure," she stated. "So what happens at Christmas poker?" She continued hopefully.

Sam cleared his throat again; he really wasn't good at this. It had been months, but he still missed Jerry as if it were yesterday. "Not much more than usual really."

Traci dropped her chin in disbelief. "Come on, Sam, you were going to say something about Jerry."

Sam rubbed his hand along the back of his neck before letting out a long slow breath. "He just uh never listened when we said no gifts."

Traci offered him a soft smile in gratitude; it wasn't much but she knew how hard it was for Sam to even give her that. "That sounds like him," she whispered.

Sam nodded, "Yeah."

They stood in silence for a few more seconds before Sam reached into the box again. He started to pull out a large bag that was quite heavy but still sort of collapsed in his grip. He used his other hand to reach under the bottom of it to lift it out. He set it on the bed to free it from the bag. As he tugged it from the confines, he could tell by the texture that it was some kind of mat. Traci gasped before he even had if fully free.

His eyes were drawn immediately to her and he was shocked to see the silent tears streaming down her face. He had no idea how a mat could evoke such a strong reaction and he was almost afraid to find out. But her hand was pushing to him to turn around, so ready or not…

He pivoted back towards the bed and slowly let his gaze fall to the object she had not yet taken her eyes off of. He sucked in a loud breath that stuttered on its way in. Lying before him was a welcome mat. It was… incredibly personal, totally fitting, and completely heartbreaking all at the same time. The word welcome wasn't the prominent feature, but it was clearly meant for a doorstep, specifically Jerry's doorstep, well Jerry and Traci's future doorstep.

The light brown runner had a full color barber pole running through the middle of it with the words "The Barbers" printed in a curved frame along the top. "Walk In's Welcome" was stamped across the bottom. It was… Sam couldn't even describe to himself in his mind how much thought and care and love went into the gift and he found himself swiping at a stray tear that dared to escape his eye.

He tilted his head to the ceiling as he took in a few deep breaths and blew each one out through his mouth. He tried fruitlessly to shut his mind down; if he even dared to think about what Traci was… He squeezed his eyes shut and swallowed hard before blowing out one last breath. When he finally opened his eyes and lowered his head to glance back at Traci she was running her hand along the top.

Sam cleared his throat. "It's great, you should keep it."

Traci nodded but couldn't find the words to answer him. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I'm just going to uh… water?"

She nodded again and tried to smile her thanks but Sam had already bolted from the room.

After pulling out two water bottles that he knew would be there from the fridge, Sam placed one on the counter and cracked the other one. He leaned against the island as he brought it up to his mouth and downed half of the contents. Unfortunately though, it didn't feel like the lump in his throat had budged a centimeter. He lowered the bottle and swallowed dryly a few more times in an effort to push back all of the emotions that were being held back by the lump. He was staring straight ahead but seeing nothing as his mind fought to keep the tight locks on his Jerry compartment. He didn't even realize Traci had joined him until he heard her bottle slide along the counter. The sound jerked him roughly from his thoughts which caused Traci to startle in surprise and some of her water tumbled out and onto the floor. "Sorry," she croaked out before bringing the water to her lips and drinking greedily.

Sam just shook his head and grabbed a rag to wipe up the floor. When he stood back up, Traci was staring blankly at the window. He really didn't know what he should say or do. He debated going back in and cleaning it all up and calling it a day, but then Traci cleared her throat. "He would've loved it."

Sam could feel the prickle of tears at the back of his eyes and he really, really did not think he could respond to that. When he started this, he did not expect it to be this hard and he especially did not expect to be reminded of the other great loss in his life. Traci placed a comforting hand on his arm and he couldn't help but admire her strength.

"I'm okay now…" she assured him.

Sam still couldn't seem to look at her, but she wanted to get this out and she knew he was at least listening. "It's just… I miss them both so much… I love them both so much," she sniffled.

She felt Sam stiffen under her touch and when he started to turn away, she held on tight to his arm. "It's okay to admit it… to feel it…" she urged. "You can't… you need to let it out sometime Sam. You do. At some point, it's all going to be too much." She swallowed hard and her voice gained some strength. "You can't do it all alone."

Why did his words always have to come back and haunt him? And how could something that came so easily to him on the job be so damn hard when it got personal? He knew Traci was right; he just didn't know how to let her in. But he knew he was going to have to try.

With a curt nod, Sam pushed away from the counter. "You wanna call it a day?"

Traci let her head fall in defeat; clearly the walls were still up and stronger than ever. She didn't really expect him to completely drop his guard, but she really hoped maybe he would give her something. More than that though, she hoped that he figured out how to do it by the time Andy returned. If he wanted her back, he… well both of them really, needed to learn how to put it all out on the table, the good and the bad.

Traci shook her head. "Nope, let's… I'd like to get it all done if we could."

"You're kid, he…"

Traci was a little touched that he even thought of that and she offered him a small smile. "My mom has him," she confirmed, "so it's all good. I'm really lucky to have her; I don't know what I'd do without her really. She helps with Leo, she's there when I need to cry, listens when I need to talk…"

Sam cleared his throat. "Nash..."

She hunched up her shoulders and offered him a sheepish smile as she braced herself for the backlash to the mini sermon she just realized she had been giving. He surprised her again though when she caught a quick flash of the dimples.

"I got it the first time," he muttered shaking his head.

A.N. This is not the end; there will be one more chapter. I was hitting 5600 words and still had a ways to go so I decided to break it up. Don't think the next one will be as long but you know me…