I don't own Naruto, but anything else that shows up is my own idea.
She bit her lip uncertainly and a light red dusted her cheeks, "I-I don't know… about this…"
"Come on, baby," the man cooed soothingly, moving to her side to comfort the woman.
Shizune watched the pair nervously from the side of the room, not believing the situation she was finding herself in. It was bad enough that the two were even considering doing this, but did they have to involve her? Didn't they care that she was right there, watching their whole exchange?
"But what if someone finds out about this…" But the woman's tone of voice betrayed her thoughts. She was almost there, he only needed a little more prodding before she gave in.
The man put his hand on her shoulder and flashed her a warm, winning smile, "Who's going to find out? How?"
Anger and embarrassment rising from uncertainty, Tsunade slammed both hands on her desk. "They'll find out Jiraiya, because you'll tell them about it. Hell, knowing you, you'll run around the village screaming it at the top of your lungs!"
"Yeah, probably," the white haired pervert shrugged, not a hint of shame in his words. Damn! One more push and he would have ended up one of the happiest men in the world. But still, it was no worry if she resisted a bit at first. He was never one to take no for an answer, and by God, did he have the restraining orders to prove it.
"I can't believe you almost talked me into this, you old lecher! If you even suggest this sort of crap to me, I'll beat you within an inch of your life and rip off your sorry excuse for a di-"
"Yo."
The door opened, saving Jiraiya from the mental image of Tsunade's threat as Kakashi and the rest walked in. On the way to Tsunade's office, they had picked up Asuma. Gai and Lee just happened to show up too to challenge Kakashi. They decided this was more important, so they forgot about the challenge. It definitely had nothing to do with Kakashi making a better shadow puppet. Not that he did.
Naruto still wasn't in any shape to walk yet, so Sasuke had "volunteered" to carry him there. Hinata was still freaking out over Naruto having a kid, so Sakura had to carry her, too. Entering the room, Sasuke threw the blonde on the couch before taking a spot by the wall with the other guys; Sakura placed Hinata gently next to Naruto.
"What is it," Tsunade growled. "Jiraiya and I supposed to be discussing the Akatsuki's movements right now!"
Shizune rolled her eyes and scoffed. 'Discussing the Akatsuki, huh? Yeah, that's what you were talking about.'
Jiraiya raised an eyebrow at the pouting blonde girl next to Kakashi. "Naruto, have you been playing "Ultimate You" again?"
"This is Naruto's daughter," Kakashi said calmly, waving the hand not holding porn over to Naruko.
"Screw it, this is more important. Naruto, explain," Tsunade ordered, discreetly putting Jiraiya's…"proposal"… underneath her desk.
Still feeling pretty woozy, Naruto tried to get up. "I don't know! I mean how can I even have a kid?!"
The Hokage rubbed her temples and sighed, "Ugh, do we really have to go through this again? When a man and woman love each other-"
"Or get drunk," Jiraiya interrupted.
"Or stressed out," Asuma said, sneaking a quick glance at Kurenai.
"Or… ya know… bored," Kakashi said absently, not looking up from his book.
"I know how! …Bored?" Naruto turned to Kakashi, who just shrugged. "I mean, how can I have a kid? Look at her; she's like almost the same age as me!"
"She could just be insane," Tsunade suggested.
"Nah, we had Ino take a peek at her brain," Kakashi replied. "She's not crazy; at the very least, she really does believe that she's his kid, and I wouldn't exactly argue against the resemblance between the two."
"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Naruko whined. "I happen to be from the future."
"The future… right…"
"Got a problem with it, Grandma?" Naruko glared at Tsunade indignantly, before catching something off with her sentence.
"Wait… Grandma? Granma!" Naruko yelled as she suddenly dove head first into the busty blonde's chest.
"Nice," Jiraiya commented, nudging Kakashi.
"Granma, it is you! Awesome!"
"Hey! Wha- what do you think you're doing?" Tsunade managed to stammer as the younger blonde started poking and pulling at her skin.
"You look exactly the same! You haven't aged at all. That is so awesome!" She exclaimed as she stretched out the Hokage's cheeks. "Here," Naruko said fishing something out of her pockets.
"What is it?" Tsunade said, taking the small slip of paper.
"You gave it to me to give as proof to you now so you'd know that you sent me here," Naruko said cheerily, like she hadn't just said the most horribly confusing thing ever. "Take a look."
Tsunade took a peek at the slip of paper, then immediately pulled the girl back into her chest. "Come here, Sweetie! Anything you need, you just ask okay?"
"'Kay!" Naruko replied, hugging her back.
"What's on the piece of paper?" Jiraiya asked, although he already had an idea.
"The lottery numbers for the next three months!" Naruko said from under the busty Hokage's chin.
Tsunade held the girl at arm's length, "All right, dear, what are you here for? Are you here on a mission; to warn us? Is there something coming, like an attack on the village or some sort of disaster?"
"Is someone else gonna try to kill me today?" Naruto groaned from the couch, still having trouble getting blood back to his head.
Naruko shook her head. "No. I am on a mission, but it's not that. This is way more important," she took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm here to look for my mom; it's just me and dad at my house and I want to see her."
"But sweetheart, why did you come all the way here?" Tsunade asked, eyes a little wide in confusion. "Doesn't your mother visit?"
Naruko turned to glare over at Naruto. "If she did, I couldn't tell."
"What's that for? What did I do?"
"More like 'who' than 'what,' ya fuckin' perv."
Naruto looked like he had been punched between the eyes, "Whah?"
Naruko walked across the room and smacked her 'father' upside his head. "Every night, it's the same, damn thing. You come home reeking of booze with some girl. Usually two or three!"
Jaws dropped to the floor and Asuma's cigarette fell out of his mouth. Kakashi looked up from his porn. Hinata looked like she was going to start crying. Sasuke passed the popcorn back to Neji. Jiraiya started shaking.
"That's my boy!" Jiraiya cheered, gazing proudly at his pupil, totally ignoring Tsunade's appalled look. There was no way she was ruining this moment. He knew the kid had it in him! He knew it was only a matter of time before Naruto joined him in his sweet, glorious way of life.
"Even if Mom does visit, I wouldn't be able to recognize her. And do you know why?" Naruko grabbed Naruto by the front of his jacket and lifted him close to her face, before continuing in a dangerous voice, "Do you know how. Many. Women have been in our house?!"
Turning red with amaz- prid- embarrassment as he was lifted in the air, Naruto managed to come up with an answer. "N-no."
"Neither do I! I stopped counting after 100!" Hinata burst into tears.
"Yeah, baby!"
"Jiraiya, shut up!" Really, really not wanting to have to hear any more about this, Tsunade changed the subject, "So why did you come here, Naruko?"
"Easy, I'm 17 years old," She declared, putting her hands on her hips.
"So?"
"I'm from eighteen years in the future… Get it?"
…
…
…Oh…
…Oh, God.
"Oh my…" "Whoa…" Looks of shock and awe and Sakura's disgust filled the room as everyone turned to look at the other orange clad blonde.
Naruto crossed his arms in confusion, still missing the big picture like the idiot he was. "I don't get it," he pouted, staring at the girl in front of him. "What's that got anything to do with anything?"
An eye twitched from underneath pink locks. "YOU IDIOT!" Sakura shouted, shoving Naruto to the ground and putting her hands around his neck. She started turning redder as she began strangling him, "It means you have to- have to-"
"That's right, Daddy, sometime in the next two weeks, you have to get LAID," Naruko smiled sweetly, relishing this new chance to torture her 'father,' decidedly ignoring Hinata's increase in sobbing, before turning to look over at Sakura, her smirk growing slightly bigger. "By the way, keep going with that, it'll help get the job done quicker."
Jiraiya folded his arms, nodding sagely, "Ain't that the truth."
Sakura stopped, her face ablaze as she freed her hands from Naruto's neck, allowing him enough chance to scoot out from under her and get up.
Naruto waved his hands in front of his face in protest, "Uh-uh! No way! I'm not ready for that kinda thing… I-I've never even…" His voice dropped real low, barely being able to say the last part.
"I'm sorry, Naruto, what was that?" Sasuke said, putting a hand to his ear. He was enjoying the show, and he was definitely enjoying watching Naruto suffer. "Could you speak up?"
"I've…never…" Naruto looked down, trying to hide how red his face was turning, painfully aware that every eye in the room was on him. God, did he have to say this in front of everybody here?
"Yes?" God, was Sasuke enjoying this.
"I've never even…k-kissed…a girl…before."
Everyone stopped in that moment.
Now, there were a lot of things that could have happened that could have made Naruto feel even worse than he already did. They could have laughed, or pitied him, or given him some B.S. to convince him that it was alright. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. What actually happened was far, far worse than any of these.
Every girl in the room, besides Sakura (who already knew as much and couldn't be bothered to give two craps about it) and Hinata (who didn't know, but was still trying to get a hold of herself) put their hands together and up to their faces.
"AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"
"AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"
Yup, truly one of the most soul crushing moments of Naruto Uzumaki's young life. The guys in the room coughed uncomfortably and looked away, awkwardly trying not to meet his eyes; none of them even had it in them to laugh. Even Sasuke almost felt vaguely ashamed of himself. Almost.
Naruto stood there, too embarrassed to even move, his head so far past red it was turning purple. Or maybe he was just trying to kill himself by holding his breath, not that you could blame him.
Hinata, on the other hand, looked about ready to break out into song and dance. She was just as red as Naruto, but on the bright side, had stopped crying when she realized Naruto's lips (along with some other equally important bits) were still up for grabs. All she had to do was make sure it stayed that way… at least until she got them herself.
A thought occurring to him, Kiba stood up, putting an end to this god awful moment. "Hey, you already kissed someone, remember? It was that time at the Academy with Sas-" Kiba stopped midsentence as he found himself suddenly pinned against the wall by a sudden rush of sharp metal, one particular knife landing just millimeters from certain sensitive equipment he kept on his person.
"I'm sorry, Kiba… What were you saying?" Naruto and Sasuke asked together, each pulling out more kunais from their pockets. "I didn't hear you…"
The Inuzuka swallowed hard and decided he'd rather not sympathize with Akamaru's trauma with vets any further than this. "N-never mind. I-it was just my imagination."
"He's right ya know," Kakashi cut in. "You have kissed people before, at least-" a kunai zoomed past his head, catching a messenger hawk midflight, causing it to drop dead onto one of the building's roof tops. "-like that actress from the Snow Country," Kakashi added quickly.
"And Anko," Ino chimed in, remembering that incident from the Chuunin Exams.
"And me, remember?" Tsunade pointed out.
"That's not the same thing. They were all old-"
"Excuse me?" Tsunade interrupted in a very dangerous voice.
"-er than me," Naruto continued quickly. "Plus Anko didn't kiss me; she just sort of… licked me. Anyway, they weren't real, ya know? They weren't… special."
"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW!"
"SHUT UP!" Naruto yelled, turning red once again.
Kakashi coughed, "Right. So… Naruko. Given Naruto's… situation, how are we supposed to find your mom?"
Naruko's face brightened, glad that things were getting back on track. "I have just the thing. I thought this might happen, so I brought this to help me look for her," she said, fishing out a small book from God knows where and handed it to Naruto. A small, red book that looked a lot like…
Kakashi almost dropped his own book. "Is…is that a new Icha Icha?"
"That's not supposed to be out yet!" Ino gasped, then covered her mouth when she realized what she said.
Sakura shot Ino a shocked, accusing glance. "How the hell do you know that?!"
"Uh… my family's shop is next to a book store?"
"You mean that dirty place with no windows that always has creepy, fat guys ducking into it?"
"Umm…"
Naruto held the book gingerly, like it was going to go off in his hands. "How is this supposed to help us get anywhere?"
Naruko couldn't help grinning evilly. "Check the cover."
"'Icha Icha Tactics.' So?"
She pointed towards the bottom of the book, still smirking like a maniac. "Check out the whole cover. Look who wrote it."
"I already know who wrote it," Naruto snorted. "It was the Pervy Sage. 'Icha Icha Tactics by Naruto Uzumaki' Se-WHAT?!" The room started to spin as he double checked the book again to be sure. Yup, that was his name. On the cover. Of a porn novel.
"Yup, your first book," Naruko declared, crossing her arms and striking a triumphant stance. "The biggest bestseller in Konoha history."
"NO! THAT'S A LIE! YOU'RE LYING! IT'S NOT TRUE!" A look of horror was etched onto Naruto's face as he clutched his hands to his forehead in pain. "This CAN'T be real! I would never write anything as DISGUSTING and perverted as the Pervy Sage."
"Hey." Jiraiya crossed his arms, looking slightly offended. His books weren't disgusting or perver… well they weren't disgusting. Most of them, at least.
The poor boy dropped to his knees, still screaming at the top of his lungs. "IT'S A FAKE! FAKE I TELL YOU! FAAAKKKKKEEEEEEE!"
Author's Note: Yeesh, this was a pain in the ass to write. This chapter was so long I had to split in two. What's in the book, you ask? How will it help them find Naruto's future lady-friend? Well stop asking and just wait and find out next chapter.
Reviews always appreciated. Peace bitches…