my first ever in first person. and I know it is bad. am a bit..out of things. hope someone enjoys. I would like it though if someone bothers to review anyway...it would be nice.

Back and protection

I was walking behind you. There was nothing unusual in that, but this time I was really thinking about us, and about my life.

I knew you were in front of me to protect me. You shielded me, so the world couldn't bring me to my sorrowful end. For that, I hated you. I wanted to be free, to get rid of all the problems and past I tried to avoid. Yet I loved you for it. I knew you were doing it because you cared about me, something I never had dreamed would happen, and something, even knowing, I couldn't quite believe. You wanted me to grown stronger, to face the shadows of my past, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Those nightmares were intertwined with the most precious times I have had. With my brother, when I was still young and carefree, before everything was ruined. So to face the bad, and conquer it, I should also face the good times, and that was what scared me so. because then I would see all that I had really lost. I knew all I had been through, all the scars in my heart. I wanted to say my past was horrible, to leave it behind and never to look at it, pretend it never happened. Because the happiness that once was there, was something that scarred me much more, it made it plain how badly I had screwed up. But the good things were something my mind didn't bring up involuntarily, I could only recall it all if I tried. And if I didn't recall, I was numb, I didn't know there was anything better. And that's the way I wanted to live, the only way I could. Because behind the smiles, positive attitude and strength I pretend I held, I was shattered. If I would look in the mirror, I would see something that would make me cry. A facade of my good times I didn't want to have.

I sighed. You hear and look me over your shoulder. I shook my head

"Nothing Kuro-chi. Just thinking" you snort and look away. I smile sadly. You shield me from the world, yet you try to break my by yourself, so no one else would see it. That is kind of you. And after watching your back for so long, I want to change too. I know I can't be what I used to. I don't have the hand to hold onto in every occasion, not the one who was with me from the moment we were born. But I am starting to think that maybe it doesn't have to be my brother. Maybe I can hold someone's hand too. I know I won't learn to share everything, but the biggest things, and the little things. Not the regular things that are basis of everything.

I give out a quiet chuckle. My head is spinning. I am not in control, my subconscious is leading my thoughts now, and everything seems a crazy talk to me.

"I can't" I accidentally mumble, trying to shut my mind up.

"Can't what?" Kuro-rin had suddenly stopped and I nearly bumped to him. I smiled up at him

"Think. Makes me dizzy" he tried to look into my head, to understand me. I shook my head. "Never mind. Let's just keep going." you look me a while longer. Because I fear you will crack me if you keep staring me with those red eyes, I tease you "Unless you want to do something else?" I use my best flirtatious voice and lift an eyebrow to you. You roll your eyes, and turn away

"Idiot.." the smile flops, hangs in the corners of my mouth, but I don't care to put it on. I know I look sad now. But it doesn't matter, since you won't turn to me anytime soon as we continue our walk.

I know I have started falling for you. But I don't want to love you. Because there is no way we can never be together, is there? Once the journey is over, I will keep moving through worlds, and you will go to your home. There is no way I can have the closeness I want to, to sleep hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth. And I want to love you. I want to hug you, kiss you, tell you you mean everything to me. Even if makes me seem weak and stupid in your eyes. I want you , and I want to be yours. But I can't promise I can change. Even if you would say sweet words to my ear, I can't promise they will reach my heart. I don't know what could reach it, because I have shut even myself out. All I know is I love you. Whether I want to or not. I can only promise I will try. Try to accept my past, not just forged and dismiss it as unimportant. Even though it is the reason I am what I am. But maybe, with you, I can be okay with everything, since thanks to all the good and bad, I am with you now. Even though I think the future too much, scared to make a move because it could affect the future in a bad way. Albeit I know it could also change it for the better.

"I'm an idiot" I nearly sob out, trying to hold the tears back. It comes out in a strangled sound, which you apparently don't hear, or just choose to ignore. Not like I can blame you, so many times I have pulled a prank on you. I know the way I think is too negative, yet I keep repeating the same path over and over again. I can see it now, and I understand. I can change, because I know the errors. But I need help. Too long I have been like this, I can't steer away. I need someone to support me, tell me time and time again that I am not alone, and that there is more than just bad things to look forward. Because alone, I will fail to grasp it.

I look at your back. So many times, you have tried to guide me. So many times I have pushed you away. I wonder if it's too late. And would you accept me like this, if I just start feeling better. Is it enough for you, or do you want me to stop the teasing and hiding too?

Slowly, I lift my hand. I reach it out to you. I know I could run to you, and I know you wouldn't push me away if I take the steps. But I can't. Because I don't believe you would accept me. To every step to healing, I need someone to help me, to pull me onward. It may mean I am weak, but I don't want to lay my life on a thin possibility. I want to know that there is really something good, that I am not risking my heart for nothing. I need you to hold my hand. I know it is stupid to think you would take the hand. How could you, you don't see me reaching after you.

Then you look me over your shoulder again. You slow down when you notice my outstretched hand. You look from it, to my eyes, and when I stop, there is annoyed, yet somehow pleased look in your eyes.

"Are you sure?" you just ask. I honestly don't know what you mean.

"Maybe" you nod at that

"At least that is not a lie." you took a step back, and reach to my hand, taking a firm grip, but not squeezing. Just a hold that feels comforting, but not forcing. I smile for real. I can finally feel something warm and bubbling inside of me. I would want to hug him because I'm happy, not because I would be drowning or needing the contact, I would want to share the joy with him. So I smile to him with everything I've got. There is a very small curve up in your mouth. "Took you long enough" you just say. I nod to him, that is a truth alright.

"Thanks for waiting" he huffed and turned to continue onward again, pulling me gently along with him.

"I don't think this will be this easy for real" I keep smiling, and peek at him in the corner of my eye

"Does it matter?" you look at me, and grin

"I like challenges." I grin back. Even if only for him, I want to be truly alive, not just a doll that does what others need or want it to do. I want to feel for real again, to break all the restrains I have put in my heart and emotions.

"Good" I say and squeeze his hand a bit. "I try not to let go" you look ahead, then stop us and make me face you dead on

"Even if you do, I will take a hold of you again. Now I know you want it. I won't let you ruin it for us" I smile, and I feel tears in my eyes. The future looks really scary still, but the hand I hold and the eyes I look give me strength. They tell me what I need. That I am wanted, that there is a place for me where I am accepted for exactly what I am. I am not alone. It may hurt, but it may be worth it. Without trying, I won't know, I can only regret. So now I will try. Whatever it takes. When the tears start flowing, you step closer and wrap arms around me. I can smell you scent, and it calms me. I hug you back, sucking in the warmth, the scent, basking in you. I don't think I can stand without you, but with time, I don't have to cling you quite this much. And then we can really be together, when I have, when we have fixed me. I speak in your chest.

"We better get going". You ruffle my hair as we pull apart.

"Idiot" he says fondly. I giggle at that. Things will change, but it is not necessary a bad thing. I only need to remember that, and not always fight back.

Then we continue walking. Not holding hands, but walking side by side, together.

I don't know. it got a bit out of hand and random. it was meant to be a proper thing. sorry for wasting your time.