The Ultimate Parodies
Chapter 2: Toadsworth needs life Alert!
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Inspired Girl
StoryMaster64,
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Disclaimer- I don't own Life Alert, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Saturday Night Live, lawyers, Nintendo, or anything else used or parodied, nor will I ever, unless I am extremely lucky.
Life Alert was made for a good cause; it's just an idea that popped into my head to make fun of the commercial.
Toadsworth was in his house, a lovely little 2- story that looked like a mushroom, but with the coloring of his head. Today, Saturday, was his 1st day off in 180 years. Yeah, he was old, but Peach made it so that people in the MK would never age, or they would very slowly. (Yeah, that's my theory anyway. How else would everybody be alive for 2 Star Festivals, each 100 years apart?)
He got up to refill his tea, when suddenly a large group of people invaded his house. Ohh, if only I had Life Alert or Bridgestone Security Services. They grabbed him and left, without leaving any evidence…
On the way to Some Weird Room Inside a Basement Somewhere (P.S. Toadsworth was in a bag.)
"Sir we are going to use you for our commercial," said the director.
"Wait a moment! So you (A broke into my house (B kidnapped me and (C just so you could use me in a commercial. You, sir, no you don't even deserve that. You could've asked! You do realize that you could be jailed for this, right?" Toadsworth was furious at these people. How dare they do this to me! And on my 1st day off too!
"Well duh," began the producer. "That's why we have kidnapped all that are near and dear to you."
"Really? You did that? How dare you!"
"No, but we will burn down your house-"
"NOOOOOO!" (dramatic pause) WHYYYY?"
"Okay then…" continued the producer. "Anyway… as I was saying… you get 500 coins out of this commercial too."
"Really?" Toadsworth asked, a gleam in his eyes. "That's more than my yearly paycheck!"
"Huh?" asked the director. "Really?"
"Nah, I get paid like 100,000 coins a year."
"Really, how are you so rich?" cameraman #1 proceeded to ask.
"I work for the Princess, and there are magical floating boxes that give out coins. Duh!" Toadsworth said as if speaking to an incompetent child.
"Now that you have agreed, I will be charged to handle things. All you have to do is say 'Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!'" The strange, obviously burly man dumped Toadsworth on the ground.
"Wait I never agreed to any of this!"
"Yeah, yeah whatever, we won't hurt you."
Toadsworth's POV
He said, "We won't hurt you."
Almost as soon as those words were uttered I was roughly shoved on the floor. I still hadn't agreed to do this, but I guess I have to… nah, I don't. I left wherever the heck I was by using a portable warp pipe, but told them I'd be back tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow… Morning, not afternoon, Morning
I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right.
Oops wrong story…
Anyway… I woke up in the morning light, as do most people, except my mom… BACK TO ADVENTURE! Once again, anyway… I woke up this morning, the glare of the TV glinting off my glasses. The 1st thing I saw was a commercial starring me (?) for Life Alert… Wait, starring me?
I know I stayed for a little bit, but c'mon this was overboard. I know for a fact I did not do the commercial yesterday. Well today is another day off (I have the whole week off.) and I intend to give those advertisers a piece of my mind. Of course that's after I gain control of the airwaves to put in my own commercial in place of that one.
*One Casting Crew, Double, Celebrities, Studio, Airwave Control, Pleading to the Princess over said control, and 100,000 Coins later*
Ready! Action!
"Live from outside… somewhere. His house I think (?) is Toadsworth and his parodying of Life Alert." the announcer said in a typical, loud, kind of but not really obnoxious voice that announcers are commonly associated and stereotyped with. Y'know, like the Saturday Night Live announcer. Yeah… that kind of stereotypical announcer voice.
As he was saying… "Why is he on tonight instead of an interview with Toodles, the fabulously wealthy Toad who met Mario in the Glitz Pit during the events of an invasion of Rogueport and the surrounding areas?
*Cutscene to Toodles*
"I felt so abandoned around this time, before the young, husky man wooed me at the Glitz Pit-"
(The power shuts off, she is informed of her interview being cancelled, and everybody leaves.)
"NOOOOO! After all these years! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?" Her upper-class accent gone, she's almost hysterical at this point.
*Back to the Main Story…*
I don't really know… Uhh, yep, mhhhm, sure… Now I do! We apparently have nothing better to show…
Toadsworth was hobbling down the path, when an armed robber knocked him to the ground and followed a lady into an alleyway, with a large stack of money. He probably just robbed a bank… we'll get to that later.
A voice from beyond *coughcoughthecameracoughcough* said "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"
Toadsworth got up. "I can get up easily, see…"
"Have you fallen and couldn't get up?"
"Nooooo…"
"Yes you have."
"No I haven't."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"No."
"Yes?"
"Hah, you admitted it."
"Admitted what?"
"That you can't get up."
"But I can… see I'm standing right now. (gets shoved to the ground) Well, I was anyway. And see, I can still get up perfectly fine." Toadsworth argued as he got up.
"No, I don't see… I'm a voice. Ooooooo scary."
"I can see you." Toadsworth said wittily and impatiently.
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Now?"
*Hears gunshots in the distance, followed by sobs and police sirens. They seem to be coming from the alley.* "Why are you helping me, coughnotreallycoughcough, when there are obviously people who need your help more than me?"
The cameraman looks around the area to detect trouble. Then, in an oddly robotic voice, states, "There is no danger. All danger has been terminated." Meanwhile, right in front of his scanner, soo… technically behind him, a street gang, 4 Bandits, Brittany Spears, Jason, Nanna Montana, Occupy Toad Town, Al Koopa, Bowser, the Grassland Cartels, and Boos all passed.
Toadsworth, mouth agape was speechless for once… "REALLY, you did not just see that? Any of it? At all…" Well he was speechless for a short time anyway.
Then, the camera switches to an innocent passerby, Luigi, who was passing by. (Well what else do passerby do? Lay down?) He was eating sunflower seeds, and was on his way to feed the ducks. Then, out of nowhere, a Bandit walked up and pushed his jaw up, so he would swallow and potentially choke on the seeds.
Instead, he bit his tongue.
"Outch, what te heck wat tat for?"
"Haha!"
"Hey Luigi!" a Goomba girl yelled out of nowhere. "That scum took half your coins! You need to look out here!"
"Do I… know you?"
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm… nooooooooooooooooooooo…"
"Thanks, I guess." Luigi said really slowly.
"Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! I talked to LUIGI! I am sooooo awesome. I can't wait to tell Bethany and Victoria and Johnathan and Danielle and everybody else!" Then she ran to her house and couldn't turn the handle, because she had no hands.
"Dang it!"
"Ummm… okay then… that was awkward."
Then Daisy walks out from behind a bush, and walks straight to the Goomba girl. "I know you ain't tryin' to get up on my man. He is mine, all mine. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"Ma'am yes, ma'am!"
"Good. Now drop and give me 20!"
The Goomba did 20 pushups and immediately ran as far away from Daisy as she could. She went over the river and through the woods, all the way to Goomba village, where she got married and had 2 kids. She named one Goombario…
Anyway, Daisy walked up to Luigi and excitedly waved and yelled, "Hey sweetie!"
"Oh, hey-umph." She had completely tackled him, right in the middle of the park's path. Then she got up, spun around faster and faster, until she was just a blur. When she stopped, she wore a gray jacket over a white blouse, with a gray skirt. She looked just like a lawyer, glasses, pearls, and a notebook in her arms.
She then walked up to Luigi and said, "Have you ever gotten hurt during a commercial you didn't know you were in?"
"Ummm-"
"Yes, yes please hold your opinions until the end of the commercial." Then, she pops up, anime-style, next to Toadsworth. "Have you ever been blamed for a crime that you didn't commit, because your Life Alert answerer, or cameraman, didn't listen to you when you told him that someone ran into an alleyway and gunshots were fired?"
"Noo-"
"I said shuddap, jeez."
Meanwhile Toadsworth was being dragged away, hysterically yelling, "Noooooo, it wasn't me, I swear! Whyyyyyy?"
"Any other objections?"
She then hears a cricket chirp, and proceeds to step on it with her heel.
"Ummmmm… Daisy? Where are you in there?" Luigi nervously states.
"I'm not Daisy, I'm Lazy (lawyer Daisy) and I am the best lawyer the Mushroom Kingdom has ever known. I have never lost a case… ever." She said creepily. "And you will not ruin my commercial, k' cutie."
Then she goes up to the camera (yeah… it was on this whole time) and proceeds to say calmly. "Hello, I am Lazy, from the I-Wouldn't-Help-You-If-I-Were-A-Better-Lawyer-But-I'm-Not-So-I'll-Help-You-Anyway-Even-Though-I-Probably-Shouldn't-Because-Why-Would-You-Have-Been-By Yourself-In-A-Dark-Alley-Anyway Corporation. But we don't only defend people who walked into an alley, we help people who worked at uranium plants and didn't wanna wear protective suits, people who committed a crime with more than 5 witnesses, people who didn't share their toys, and people who walked into the wrong part of the wrong conversation, among other nearly impossible to defend crimes. We also do very easy-to win cases.
*5 hours later*
Daisy had returned to her normal self, after losing every single case.
"But, Dais, you said you hadn't lost a case yet…" Luigi said nervously after losing 783.29 coins to the person that made him bite his tongue and another coin to Bowser.
"Ummmm… I hadn't even taken a case… soooo I wasn't technically lying…"
"Okay, then, bye Daisy!"
"Bye Luigi!"
So there was Toadsworth, all by himself. He then remembered that he had to go and give the Life Alert company a 'piece of his mind.' So he ran, as fast as he could, and somehow made it in time to the Next live recording. Everything was running smoothly until…
"Hey, old farts! What is a hologram of me doing? Is he really talking about how he recommends it?"
He didn't know that nobody heard until one idiot said, "You realize they hear you as background noise against the commercial, right?"
"Shutup idiot!"
""Hey, Hey everybody! I'm Toadsworth! That's not me!" He was grabbed by security and forced away, but not before saying, "You wouldn't beat up an old man! I say, I work for Peach as her caretaker!"
The next morning, the company was shut down by popular demand and Her Highness Princess Peach Toadstool.
This is why companies don't make their commercials live. Ever. Sorry if it's a little sloppy, I wrote it at like 2 in the morning. Soooo… please review :D Oh, by the way, Goombario isn't the same one from Paper Mario. Hah, fooled ya! xD