"They all think I did it, don't they?" muttered Tetch as he saw the other inmates gathered at the opposite end of the cafeteria at dinner, eyeing him strangely. Crane was the only one who sat next to him, not that this was particularly unusual.
"No, Jervis, I'm sure they're just…not in a chatty mood," said Crane slowly. "None of them are particularly effervescent people, except Harley, and she's not unless the Joker is here. Which he isn't, thank heaven for small blessings," he muttered. "Anyway, I doubt attempted murder is a particularly shocking idea to any of them."
"This attempted murder is," snapped Tetch. "We are lunatics, Jonathan, we have nothing else but our personalities. The only thing that never changes about us is our characters. They're dependable as clockwork. And if they believe that my personality has changed so much that I attempted to murder the object of my undying affection, then they begin to suspect they don't know me at all. They begin to think I'm some stranger in their midst, and they don't like it. I don't like it either. You can't have any idea what it's like to know that you've done something, but to have no memory of it, no control over your own actions. You begin to fear what you're capable of, and what you'll be made to do next."
"Do you think it's your mind control technology?" asked Crane.
"I don't know what else it could be," retorted Tetch. "Unless I've completely lost my mind. And even then, I would never harm Alice."
"Do you have any idea why someone would want you to?" asked Crane. "Any enemies of yours or hers that you can think of?"
"I doubt the child could have enemies – she's so sweet and beautiful," murmured Tetch. "I say she is…I don't even know if she's still alive. If she dies because of me, I will never forgive myself…"
"Now, calm down, Jervis," said Crane, gently. "Don't fear the worst before it's confirmed. Fear is bad enough on its own, but groundless fear is even more inexcusable."
"Yes, I'm sorry, Jonathan," whispered Tetch, burying his face in his hands. "It's just…all so horrible."
"Where is he?!" shouted an angry voice, and a second later, the door to the cafeteria was kicked open, and Billy Dodgson burst into the room. His furious eyes fixed on Tetch and the look in them turned murderous. "You!" he shouted, rushing at him. "You sick freak! You disgusting monster! I'll kill you for this, do you hear me?! You're dead!"
He began punching Tetch mercilessly while Crane tried futilely to pull him off. The Arkham guards who descended on Billy a moment later had much more success. "How could you do this to her?!" cried Billy as Tetch slowly struggled to his feet, gasping in pain. "She was genuinely trying to help you, and you repaid that kindness by trying to kill her?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"I don't know!" shrieked Tetch, clutching his head. "I don't know! I don't know what's wrong with me! I didn't mean to do it! You have to believe I didn't mean to do it! I would never have hurt her, never!"
"You did!" he shouted. "You almost killed her! And I swear to God if she doesn't make it, I'm gonna make you pay for her life with your own!"
"Promise me that!" shouted Tetch. "Yes, promise me you'll kill me if she dies, because I'll have nothing left to live for! Swear to do me that kindness, and grant me that mercy, because if I have to continue on without her, I will be living in hell!"
He seized a gun from one of the Arkham guards. "Let him go!" he shouted, pointing the gun at them. They obeyed slowly.
"Jervis, what are you…" began Crane.
"Stay out of it, Jonathan," hissed Tetch. "Do not attempt to interfere!"
He placed the gun in Billy's hand. "Do it now!" he hissed. "Having to live with the fact that I attacked her is already too much for me to bear! End the misery of my existence now, if you have the nerve! Kill me!"
Billy held the gun, pointing it at Tetch, but did not pull the trigger. "Kill me!" shrieked Tetch. "Kill me or I swear to God I'll make you!"
Billy's finger tightened on the trigger. "Do it! Kill me!" cried Tetch again.
"Is someone wanting to be killed?" chuckled a familiar voice. "I'd be happy to oblige!"
Everyone turned to see the Joker standing in the doorway under an armed escort and next to a very shocked Dr. Leland. The Joker had just been returned to the asylum, and Dr. Leland had been interviewing him when she had heard the commotion from the cafeteria.
"What on earth is going on?!" Dr. Leland demanded angrily. "Who is this man, and why has he been allowed armed into this facility?! And why is he being allowed to threaten my patient?! No! Nobody speak!" she snapped, holding up her hand as everyone began talking at once. "Take our visitor to my office where he can explain himself. Guards, return to your posts. Mr. Tetch, sit down. Joker, get some dinner," she muttered, turning and striding away.
"Righty-ho, Doc!" chuckled Joker, saluting. "Hope you've improved the food in my absence, but I ain't holding my breath!"
"Puddin'!" shrieked Harley Quinn, no longer able to contain her excitement as she leapt at Joker, throwing her arms around his neck and choking him in a suffocating embrace. "You're back, you're back, you're back!"
"Yeah, take it easy, kiddo!" he gasped, shoving her off in irritation and massaging his throat. "What are you trying to do, kill me? Cause I'm taking you down with me, you dumb blonde!"
"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" sighed Harley, cuddling him adoringly.
"Hatty, heard you stabbed your girlfriend!" chuckled Joker, smiling at Tetch. "You're an inspiration to the rest of us! I mean that, really."
"Joker, can't you see he's in no fit state to be mocked?" snapped Crane, patting Tetch gently on the back as he sobbed into his hands.
"Aw, c'mon, Johnny, a little joke will be just the thing to cheer him up and put a smile on his face!" laughed Joker. "Hey, Tetchy, what do you call your girlfriend if she lives through your attack? A paraplegic!" he laughed.
Tetch sobbed and rushed from the room. "Go after him, for goodness sake!" Crane shouted at the guards. "Make sure he doesn't do anything desperate!"
"Why should he? He's the one who stabbed her," shrugged Joker, helping himself to the remains of Tetch's meal. "Shouldn't have done it if he was gonna feel guilty about it. I know I never do anything I feel guilty about."
"That's because you don't feel guilt," snapped Crane. "And he didn't do it – not consciously anyway. Jervis believes his mind is being controlled by someone else."
Joker laughed hysterically. "Yeah, remind me to use that defense sometime! No, really, Bats, it wasn't me! I was being mind-controlled! Blame the voices in my head! Also, I see dead people! Look, there's Hatty's girlfriend now!" he giggled, pointing to a corner.
"Well, how else would you explain Jervis suddenly turning on the woman he loves like that?" demanded Crane.
Joker shrugged. "He's crazy. Crazy people are apt to be a little randomly homicidal, or so I hear. No personal experience of that, of course," he chuckled. "Maybe it's the sexual repression – I hear lack of sex drives people to do crazy things. Unless you and he are…y'know," he said, making a series of inappropriate hand gestures.
"No, we're not!" snapped Crane.
Joker shrugged again. "Well, that's what I blame Batsy's insanity on. The lack of sex, not being gay. I ain't homophobic – there's no reason gay people can't be as crazy as straight people. I embrace insanity of all persuasions," he chuckled.
"You're such a sweet, generous angel, puddin'," sighed Harley adoringly.
"I still believe mind control is the most viable theory," said Crane. "Jervis was working on some sort of new technology before he was dragged back here – there's no reason someone couldn't be testing his own invention on him. Although to what purpose, I haven't the foggiest."
"Me neither," agreed Joker, nodding. "I can't imagine why Tetchy would be important enough for anyone to pay attention to him, let alone make him the target of some conspiracy. Either he's being used to get to someone else, or your theory is wrong, and he's just plain nuts."
"I think you're jumping to ridiculous conclusions with no evidence whatsoever," snapped Crane.
Joker reached into his pocket. "I'll bet you twenty bucks that if there is a conspiracy going on, it ain't about Tetchy. You taking it or leaving it?" he asked, holding out the bill.
Crane glared at him, but took the money. "Easiest twenty bucks I'll ever make!" chuckled Joker. "Like taking candy from a baby!"
"Speaking of candy and babies, puddin', your little girl is in the mood to lick your lollipop," murmured Harley, licking Joker's cheek.
Joker chuckled. "'Scuse me, Johnny, but I know better than to ignore my baby when she's in the mood!" he laughed, standing up and carrying Harley away. "She might start trying to kill me!"
"One can only hope," muttered Crane, as Joker's mocking laughter disappeared down the hall.