The Losses That Plague You
Chapter 4 : You Keep Me Sane
Shepard awoke, yet again, to an empty bed. For someone who didn't rest easily, he was never awoken by Kaidan getting out of bed. He sat up, stretched and yawned, then he got out of bed. He pulled a fresh t-shirt on and strolled down the hall. He could hear a pan sizzling as he entered the kitchen. Kaidan was leaning up the counter whilst Garrus slaved over the oven.
"Garrus?" Shepard asked. "You're cooking… sausage?"
Garrus laughed, whilst the sausages sizzled away.
"Shepard, the human that runs the local butchers taught me how to cook them. Thought I'd make you some breakfast." Garrus laughed.
"There's not enough sausage there for us though." Shepard smiled looking towards Kaidan. Kaidan returned it with a brilliant smile.
"Shepard I don't eat human food." Garrus laughed.
"I've already ate." Kaidan smiled, walking towards the door. "I'll be in the lounge."
Shepard smiled at him, a smile full of happiness. Garrus glanced at Shepard, he smiled back at him.
"It's good to see you smiling properly after we lost so much, after you lost so much." Garrus' smile faded as he served up the sausage.
"Thank you Garrus, for everything." Shepard smiled.
"It's okay, I know I should be supervising, but I have one more errand to run." Garrus smiled, putting his hand on Shepard's shoulder.
"What are these errands?" Shepard questioned.
"Well, I'm finishing off some cases for C-Sec." Garrus admitted. "Last one today, then I can leave clear of mind."
Shepard picked up the sausages, grabbed some bread and sauce from under the cupboard.
"Good luck with that." Shepard laughed as he made sausage sandwiches.
Shepard and Kaidan sat on the couch watching daytime tv, the news came on and a headline flashed across the screen reading, 'Memorial set for those lost in the fight against Saren', Shepard tensed and Kaidan felt it.
"Shepard… it's okay." Kaidan held onto his lover as the images of those lost flashed on screen. Several faces passed on the screen showing the people of Eden Prime, the people of Zhu's Hope. Shepard reached for the remote as Ashley came up on screen. He quickly switched it off.
"Shepard!" Kaidan shouted.
Shepard squeezed the bridge of his nose.
"What?" He uttered.
"You can't avoid it for the rest of your life!" Kaidan stood and stared down at his lover.
"I can, and I will!" Shepard rose to meet Kaidan. "It's my fault they're dead and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise!" He shouted as he started shaking and pacing, tears filling his eyes.
"Shepard! Please!" Kaidan shouted back, the door to the apartment slide open and Garrus quickly walked in.
"Shepard, I saw the news and just knew you'd be watching it." Garrus admitted running towards his best friend.
"They're all dead." Shepard sobbed as he hugged Garrus.
"They shouldn't have shown his face, I'm sorry." Garrus held onto Shepard, not as friend or comrade but as a brother. Shepard paused for a moment, mind processing what Garrus had said. He pushed Garrus away.
"You said his. Why did you say his?" Shepard questioned.
"I know you and Kaidan were an item, it wasn't a secret." Garrus admitted, sounding sympathetic.
"I don't understand, Kaidan wasn't on the news." Shepard stated, shaking his head as his mind raced.
"He came on after Ash did… Shepard, Kaidan died." Garrus couldn't understand why Shepard was so resistant. Shepard's eyes grew wide as he looked at Kaidan.
"He's right there! How could you say that?!" Shepard shouted pointing at Kaidan.
Garrus turned around and didn't see anyone. Shepard looked into Kaidan's eyes and approached him, he reached out. His hand didn't touch anything solid, Kaidan disappeared in front of Shepard's eyes.
"Kaidan…" He cried.
"When pieces of Sovereign crashed into the Council Chambers, Kaidan was crushed. He died instantly." Garrus got out, almost choking on his words.
"B… but…" Shepard felt his world shatter around him, his knee's gave out as he fell to the floor. "He's been with me these past few days… you… you…" Shepard felt Garrus get to his knees and hug Shepard.
Shepard's mind began to sew the clues together. No indentation in the bed, Kaidan's different smell, Garrus' letter addressed to only him, the way Garrus never spoke directly to Kaidan, and the way Kaidan would rarely be around when Shepard was with someone. He imagined him the whole time.
"I… I imagined him…" Shepard managed to get out as he slipped into unconsciousness.
"Shepard? Shepard!?" Garrus panicked as he opened his omni-tool and phoned an ambulance.
Garrus paced the hall in the hospital, he kept glancing at the room that they had took Shepard into. After several minutes the doctor exited the room and walked up to Garrus.
"He's suffering with an extreme case of Post-Traumatic Stress, which would explain the hallucinations. He's stable and he's coming around, you can go in if you like." The doctor smiled as he walked away.
"Thank you." He muttered as he walked towards the room.
He opened the door and stepped in. Shepard was lying in the bed, various machines monitoring him as he slowly came around.
"Shepard? Can you hear me?" Garrus said softly.
No response.
He approached the bed and sat beside it, holding his friends hand.
"You keep me sane…" He uttered.
Garrus watched Shepard as he began to repeat the phrase over and over again.
"Shepard?" Garrus asked again, but Shepard continued to utter the words 'You keep me sane'.
Garrus shook his head as he stayed with Shepard a while longer. A nurse came in to tell Garrus that visiting hours were over and Garrus took one last look at his friend as he walked out of the room, a single tear rolling down his face as Shepard continued to repeat the phrase.
"You keep me sane… You keep me sane… You keep me sane…"